Ask Me Help Desk - How can I be more talkative and less shy?

Well, I'm 20 yo guy and I never had a relationship of any kind with any girl, when I say any kind I mean *ANY*, I don't know how's the feeling of a kiss. I know how weird is to be 20 and never ever kissed a girl... but I like girls and I do feel that "butterflys in my stomache" feeling for a girl...

Last few weeks I was very sad and feeling very lonely, I don't know how to explain... so I'm resolved to change and lose all my shyness... today I was analysing myselft , it's a weird felling, but I think it will help to change what's wrong with me...

I discovered that I'm not just shy with girls, but with everyone I don't know, or know to lightly.

Every time I meet someone new is so unconfortable that makes me want to run away, this feeling eventually go away when I get to know a person, for example my fellow coworkers, when I met them I feel this way, but now I feel comfortable around them. You might imagine how I feel about girls, even *talking* to a girl is mortally scary to me...

Today I managed to talk to a woman that I have seen several times but I've never talked before... I was so "afraid" that the two or three comment I've made , I had to repeat 2 times because I speaked so low that she couldn't understand, it was very embarrassing - and it happens often!!

You want to be more talkative? Well first thing you need to do is to be interesting to a person. So if you are trying to attract a certain girl, find out her hobbies and interests and get active in them so you have something to talk about. Im pretty shy too, but when I have something in common with someone, I can talk to them for hours.

Also, what helps is don't think about it. People always say "Think about what you say, before you say it." Well in my personal experience, the more I think of saying something, the more I don't want to talk. Just say it and go from there.

Also don't forget to make statement-question comments. Lead a person onto another topic just in case you have nothing else to talk about. For example say something like "So have you seen that one movie about football.... Do you like sports?"

If you have 2 questions for someone to answer, you have more to talk about.

Hopefully I didn't make that too confusing

Right I got the intersts part , but what is harder is talking, I mean...

Even when I manage to talk to someone (not just girls), that insecurity feelling comes and I don't know how to keep a conversation... the words come out so low that people ask me to repeat, I know its anoying and when I try to keep my voice high consciousnessly its just don't came out naturally...

Between known people I generally speak normally, and I feel normally...

Hi, Jonny_br!

At the present time, are you in school of any kind?

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Hi, Jonny_br!

At the present time, are you in school of any kind?

Thanks!

No really, I just graduated in college (long explanation) which sincerally is making my "social phobia" worst , because since then I haven't meet one single new soul.

Volunteer at places, join a sport (yes you can still play on a sports team as an adult), get a job where you have to talk to people.

Just try to be around people more. Im in so many clubs that when school ends, I have a club activity everyday. So I'm busy every day and I get to know others better

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
Hi, Jonny_br!

At the present time, are you in school of any kind?

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonny_br no really, I just graduated in college (long explanation) which sincerally is making my "social phobia" worst , because since then I haven't meet one single new soul.

If you just graduated from college at only age twenty, I think that would be quite an accomplishment!

Would you please mind elaborating on that some? I would love to read your long explanation!

I am a person who, for years, has suffered from anxiety attacks. So, I do know something about the way that you feel. Hopefully, sometime we can be on here at the same time because I would really like to discuss your situation and how you feel with you. I have overcome my fears and am now a leader of large groups of people - but, it didn't happen overnight!

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

If you just graduated from college at only age twenty, I think that would be quite an accomplishment!

Would you please mind elaborating on that some? I would love to read your long explanation!

I am a person who, for years, has suffered from anxiety attacks. So, I do know something about the way that you feel. Hopefully, sometime we can be on here at the same time because I would really like to discuss your situation and how you feel with you. I have overcome my fears and am now a leader of large groups of people - but, it didn't happen overnight!

Thanks!

I forgot to say I'm brazilian, so please excuse my many english mistakes.

When I finished high school I was lucky enough to get a scholarship, I've found a 3 years course in Information Tecnology, and I realized I could get a college degree with 20 years and grabed the chance.
It's not the same as doing 5 years on Computer Science, but I can't complain about the college, was fine and I've learned a lot and I was introduced in my actual job , which I really love, through my college teachers. But the factor I think is really attractive about getting "fast and furious" through college is that now I now I can start studying to a higher degree , maybe I can get a master degree soon :)

I think it wasn't this long ;)

It's would be very nice to know more about how you overcome your anxiety and how you learned to speaking in public - a while ago I've missed a nice opportunity because of my irrational fears.
Just talking about "anxiety attacks" have really helped a lot, I've found an article about Social Anxiety and Social Phobia and many aspects described in the article describe just how I feel.

I have the same problem. But talking to them with a friend, or even pretend your talking to a good friend helps. Just have fun around whoever and act like yourself. Coz that shows a girl that you enjoy being fun and that your not completely weird when it comes to repeating things all the time (no offence)

Quote:

Originally Posted by pimp_mah_alpaka

I have the same problem. But talking to them with a friend, or even pretend your talking to a good friend helps. Just have fun around whoever and act like yourself. Coz that shows a girl that you enjoy being fun and that your not completly weird when it comes to repeating things all the time (no offence)

Yes, practice does make a difference!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonny_br

It's would be very nice to know more about how you overcome your anxiety and how you learned to speaking in public - a while ago i've missed a nice opportunity because of my irrational fears.
Just talking about "anxiety attacks" have really helped a lot, i've found an article about Social Anxiety and Social Phobia and many aspects described in the article describe just how i feel.

Hi again, Jonny_br!

Basically, I began to overcome my fears in a forced way because I was offered a teaching position at an elementary school. I would still have anxiety attacks in front of the children, but they really didn't know what was happening to me. So, by being in that kind of environment, where there really wasn't a lot of adult pressure really helped! I was able to practice being in front of many people without it being a high-pressure situation for me.

I realized that I was getting better with speaking and interacting in front of people because I was practicing doing that. So, I sought out other ways to practice interacting with groups of people.

Now, I am a leader of large groups of people and don't have any trouble speaking in front of them while leading them. I can even speak to over 1,000 people without it really being a problem for me, whereas around 22 years ago, if I had to speak in front of even a small group of people and climb stairs in order to get to the event, I found myself walking back down the stairs to avoid the situation. I did eventually make it to the event though. But, another leader did most of the speaking.

Do I still have anxiety attacks getting up in front of people to do something? Yes! But, I'm able to control them much better now.

I think the key to getting over anxiety attacks concerning being in front of people is practice, first with small groups and then moving on to being in front of larger ones.

Self confidence requires a positive self-image. Self-image is a kind of mental picture we all have about ourselves. One way to think about self-image is in terms of what is 'real' and what is 'ideal'. Many people have goals to move their 'real' self as close to their 'ideal' self as they can. For example, the 'real' you stumbles over your words when you meet the boss, whereas the 'ideal' you is cool, confident and articulate.

Problems can occur when people strive too hard to fit with their ideal view of self-image and this can mean they underplay their actual characteristics. The nice guy then finds it hard to reprimand people when they under-perform and the strict guy maybe fails to listen to others and reward opinions different to their own. It can also lead to stress as the person is consciously and with some effort playing out a role.

A person's self-image may be far from accurate. For example, your father may have set very high standards for you to become a professional sportsman. For whatever reason you didn't achieve the standard and this leads you to believe you are bad at sports, despite the fact you are actually pretty good. One poor experience can even spread to other areas of your life so you start to believe you are poor at most things.

Ways to Boost Self-Confidence

Self-image is the mental picture you have of yourself. It is not fixed, it is not objective, it can be changed and you can change it.
Positive thinking is important but the way you behave is important too. Your self-image will feed off the way you behave and will affect others too. Actors know that if they have to play a sad role they quickly start to feel sad themselves. Similarly, if you speak in a measured slow tone your authority increases to those around you and you actually start to feel it in yourself.

Changing behavior is often easier than changing thinking. The brain does not deal well in turning around negative thinking. For example, the moment you think, 'I must not be nervous' is the moment you will actually start feeling more nervous. Focusing on behavior when you are nervous, such as breathing deeply and slowly and relaxing neck and shoulder muscles, will do a great deal more than ruminating on your anxiety.

Breaking up big goals or tasks into smaller and more manageable chunks can help. If you have been set a task that seems impossible, take it apart and even drill it down to hourly steps. As you achieve each step your confidence will grow and you will also achieve a sense of mastery over the issue.

For some people lack of confidence arises through having too little to do. Boredom and lack of confidence are associated. In such cases it is important to boost energy levels by setting some goals for yourself but allowing them to be flexible enough to react to circumstances. If goals are too rigid the first set-back will knock you off track, so build this into your planning.

1. Groom yourself. This seems like such an obvious one, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and a shave can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your self-image. There have been days when I turned my mood around completely with this one little thing.

2. Dress nicely. A corollary of the first item above … if you dress nicely, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. Now, dressing nicely means something different for everyone … it doesn’t necessarily mean wearing a $500 outfit, but could mean casual clothes that are nice looking and presentable.

3. Photoshop your self-image. Our self-image means so much to us, more than we often realize. We have a mental picture of ourselves, and it determines how confident we are in ourselves. But this picture isn’t fixed and immutable. You can change it. Use your mental Photoshopping skills, and work on your self-image. If it’s not a very good one, change it. Figure out why you see yourself that way, and find a way to fix it.

4. Think positive. One of the things I learned when I started running, about two years ago, what how to replace negative thoughts (see next item) with positive ones. How I can actually change my thoughts, and by doing so make great things happened. With this tiny little skill, I was able to train for and run a marathon within a year. It sounds so trite, so Norman Vincent Peale, but my goodness this works. Seriously. Try it if you haven’t.

5. Kill negative thoughts. Goes hand-in-hand with the above item, but it’s so important that I made it a separate item. You have to learn to be aware of your self-talk, the thoughts you have about yourself and what you’re doing. When I was running, sometimes my mind would start to say, “This is too hard. I want to stop and go watch TV.” Well, I soon learned to recognize this negative self-talk, and soon I learned a trick that changed everything in my life: I would imagine that a negative thought was a bug, and I would vigilantly be on the lookout for these bugs. When I caught one, I would stomp on it (mentally of course) and squash it. Kill it dead. Then replace it with a positive one. (”C’mon, I can do this! Only one mile left!”)

6. Get to know yourself. When going into battle, the wisest general learns to know his enemy very, very well. You can’t defeat the enemy without knowing him. And when you’re trying to overcome a negative self-image and replace it with self-confidence, your enemy is yourself. Get to know yourself well. Start listening to your thoughts. Start writing a journal about yourself, and about the thoughts you have about yourself, and analyzing why you have such negative thoughts. And then think about the good things about yourself, the things you can do well, the things you like. Start thinking about your limitations, and whether they’re real limitations or just ones you’ve allowed to be placed there, artificially. Dig deep within yourself, and you’ll come out (eventually) with even greater self-confidence.

7. Act positive. More than just thinking positive, you have to put it into action. Action, actually, is the key to developing self-confidence. It’s one thing to learn to think positive, but when you start acting on it, you change yourself, one action at a time. You are what you do, and so if you change what you do, you change what you are. Act in a positive way, take action instead of telling yourself you can’t, be positive. Talk to people in a positive way, put energy into your actions. You’ll soon start to notice a difference.

8. Be kind and generous. Oh, so corny. If this is too corny for you, move on. But for the rest of you, know that being kind to others, and generous with yourself and your time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. You act in accordance with the Golden Rule, and you start to feel good about yourself, and to think that you are a good person. It does wonders for your self-confidence, believe me.

9. Get prepared. It’s hard to be confident in yourself if you don’t think you’ll do well at something. Beat that feeling by preparing yourself as much as possible. Think about taking an exam: if you haven’t studied, you won’t have much confidence in your abilities to do well on the exam. But if you studied your butt off, you’re prepared, and you’ll be much more confident. Now think of life as your exam, and prepare yourself.

10. Know your principles and live them. What are the principles upon which your life is built? If you don’t know, you will have trouble, because your life will feel directionless. For myself, I try to live the Golden Rule (and fail often). This is my key principle, and I try to live my life in accordance with it. I have others, but they are mostly in some way related to this rule (the major exception being to “Live my Passion”). Think about your principles … you might have them but perhaps you haven’t given them much thought. Now think about whether you actually live these principles, or if you just believe in them but don’t act on them.

11. Speak slowly. Such a simple thing, but it can have a big difference in how others perceive you. A person in authority, with authority, speaks slowly. It shows confidence. A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to. Even if you don’t feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing it a few times. It will make you feel more confident. Of course, don’t take it to an extreme, but just don’t sound rushed either.

12. Stand tall. I have horrible posture, so it will sound hypocritical for me to give this advice, but I know it works because I try it often. When I remind myself to stand tall and straight, I feel better about myself. I imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly. As an aside, people who stand tall and confident are more attractive. That’s a good thing any day, in my book.

13. Increase competence. How do you feel more competent? By becoming more competent. And how do you do that? By studying and practicing. Just do small bits at a time. If you want to be a more competent writer, for example, don’t try to tackle the entire profession of writing all at once. Just begin to write more. Journal, blog, write short stories, do some freelance writing. The more you write, the better you’ll be. Set aside 30 minutes a day to write (for example), and the practice will increase your competence.

14. Set a small goal and achieve it. People often make the mistake of shooting for the moon, and then when they fail, they get discouraged. Instead, shoot for something much more achievable. Set a goal you know you can achieve, and then achieve it. You’ll feel good about that. Now set another small goal and achieve that. The more you achieve small goals, the better you’ll be at it, and the better you’ll feel. Soon you’ll be setting bigger (but still achievable) goals and achieving those too.

15. Change a small habit. Not a big one, like quitting smoking. Just a small one, like writing things down. Or waking up 10 minutes earlier. Or drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Something small that you know you can do. Do it for a month. When you’ve accomplished it, you’ll feel like a million bucks.

16. Focus on solutions. If you are a complainer, or focus on problems, change your focus now. Focusing on solutions instead of problems is one of the best things you can do for your confidence and your career. “I’m fat and lazy!” So how can you solve that? “But I can’t motivate myself!” So how can you solve that? “But I have no energy!” So what’s the solution?

17. Smile. Another trite one. But it works. I feel instantly better when I smile, and it helps me to be kinder to others as well. A little tiny thing that can have a chain reaction. Not a bad investment of your time and energy.

18. Volunteer. Related to the “be kind and generous” item above, but more specific. It’s the holiday season right now … can you find the time to volunteer for a good cause, to spread some holiday cheer, to make the lives of others better? It’ll be some of the best time you’ve ever spent, and an amazing side benefit is that you’ll feel better about yourself, instantly.

19. Be grateful. I’m a firm believer in gratitude, as anyone who’s been reading this blog for very long knows well. But I put it here because while being grateful for what you have in life, for what others have given you, is a very humbling activity … it can also be a very positive and rewarding activity that will improve your self-image. Read more.

20. Exercise. Gosh, I seem to put this one on almost every list. But if I left it off this list I would be doing you a disservice. Exercise has been one of my most empowering activities in the last couple years, and it has made me feel so much better about myself.
All you have to do is take a walk a few times a week, and you’ll see benefits. Start the habit.

21. Empower yourself with knowledge. Empowering yourself, in general, is one of the best strategies for building self-confidence. You can do that in many ways, but one of the surest ways to empower yourself is through knowledge. This is along the same vein as building competence and getting prepared … by becoming more knowledgeable, you’ll be more confident … and you become more knowledgeable by doing research and studying. The Internet is a great tool, of course, but so are the people around you, people who have done what you want, books, magazines, and educational institutions.

22. Do something you’ve been procrastinating on. What’s on your to-do list that’s been sitting there? Do it first thing in the morning, and get it out of the way. You’ll feel great about yourself.

23. Get active. Doing something is almost always better than not doing anything. Of course, doing something could lead to mistakes … but mistakes are a part of life. It’s how we learn. Without mistakes, we’d never get better. So don’t worry about those. Just do something. Get off your butt and get active — physically, or active by taking steps to accomplish something.

24. Work on small things. Trying to take on a huge project or task can be overwhelming and daunting and intimidating for anyone, even the best of us. Instead, learn to break off small chunks and work in bursts. Small little achievements make you feel good, and they add up to big achievements. Learn to work like this all the time, and soon you’ll be a self-confident maniac.

25. Clear your desk. This might seem like a small, simple thing (then again, for some of you it might not be so small). But it has always worked wonders for me. If my desk starts to get messy, and the world around me is in chaos, clearing off my desk is my way of getting a little piece of my life under control. It is the calm in the center of the storm around me. Here’s how.

Before you plagiarize other sources belmondo, it would help a lot if you would at least cite references to them. There is a thing that's called "fair use" concerning copyrighted material. But, you have posted a lot of information here without citing the sources, and what you have posted is extremely large for a posts for things that have been copied and pasted, this would be in contradiction to the rules of this site. Please see Ask Me Help Desk - FAQ: Terms of Service, FAQ and How To Use This Site Specifically,

Quote:

Do not post content that is significantly equivalent to content found elsewhere on the Internet if it can be linked to

Besides that, what you have posted really isn't personally directed in response to what Jonny_br has posted. In short, please don't plagiarize or simply copy and paste things from other sources without giving credit to the sources and if what you would like to post is significant in length, then please post a link to it. Also, please direct your responses to the original posters' questions in order to personally address concerns about what they might be asking.

Thanks!

Apologies:rolleyes::)

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Originally Posted by belmondo

apologies:rolleyes::)

It's okay! Just please learn how to use the site. I know that you mean well with what you post.

Thanks!

The best advice I can give you is to put yourself out there. If you start to talk to someone and you feel uncomfortable that's OK. The fact that you're talking to someone is taking a step in the right direction. Eventually you'll feel less and less uncomfortable. The main thing I'm trying to tell you is that it's OK to be shy. A lot of times it's hard for people to talk to someone they don't know. Start small, talk to people at checkouts. "Been busy today?" or something along those lines. One of my really good friends was super shy and after hanging out with me for about 5, 6 years they totally changed their views on talking to people they don't know because I'm pretty outgoing.

First of all , thank you people, you're so kind helping me - I hope this would help people with the same problems.

As ZoeMarie said , I'll put myself out there, I suggest people with the same problem do it too! Screw the world (in a good way... )

@Clough,
interesting, I refused a opportunity to become a teacher last month because I though I wasn't fit to teach people - I think it was wise because I would probably get so nevous that I wouldn't be able to talk , I need to start small...
but it's destructive to me... I'm running away from good experiences because of my irrational fears...

@belmondo
I would really love to know your source, I love blogs so much =)
I was even thinking about starting one on my experiences in the matter ;)

Hopefully, sometime we can be on here at the same time in order to discuss these things live, Jonny_br!

I do wish you well!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Hopefully, sometime we can be on here at the same time in order to discuss these things live, Jonny_br!

I do wish you well!

Hi, during the week we'll hardly be online here at te same, time because of the timezone...
It would be easier in the weekends. If you want, I may send my msn address too