I’d like a little unbiased make input on my situation with my man. He and I have been together for 18 months. Right from the beginning we had excellent sexual chemistry. Then that changed about three months into the relationship. He started pulling away in every way. Sex became increasingly infrequent and when we did have sex it was only to shut me up. I’m not, nor have I ever been an “all the time” kind of woman. But I do enjoy sex much more in my 30’s than I did when I was in my 20’s. My fella has always looked at porn on the net. As usual it bothered me, but I learned to let it go. But we’ve been together for a while now and while he’s not looking at gross porn, just pictures of everyday naked women, it is starting to bother me. Not because of the act itself, but because when he looks at it, he leaves the room to go masturbate in the bathroom or before I get home or in the middle of the night. He never shares in this with me and sex has become so infrequent that we’ve only had it three times in the last seven months. I should point out here that I was pregnant and did give birth, but that only put me out of commission for the six weeks. His reason for never wanting to have sex is that he’s tired. But he stays up till midnight most evenings and he has the energy to satisfy himself, so what’s wrong with satisfying me? I’m not asking for a marathon session. But I do need some intimacy. Let me also say that the only time he’s really affectionate is when he’s leaving for work or he’s made me really angry. But those moments pass. And he’s back to looking at pictures of women while I’m left eager for something I’m thinking he’ll never give unless I make a big deal about it. I don’t want sex to become an argument or chore. What should I do? Is he replacing sex with masturbation? Is he tired or bored? I have no idea what to do…and before anyone starts saying that he’s cheating. He isn’t. I know where he is all the time. ALL THE TIME. We have almost the same schedule most work weeks. He isn’t cheating, but I guess he could be talking to someone he works with…what gives?? Okay men…. Let me hear from you.:confused:

Well him wanking off rather than have sex with you isn't normal. If he's ignoring you perhaps there is a yet to be revealed issue or perceived issue on his part. Have you been having any fights... been pressuring him on something? Just trying to figure out what might be an underlying cause of his behaviour.

I see that only Smokey answered your question, so I'll answer even though I'm not a man.

From the information you provided, it sounds like he doesn't really care for you anymore... "He started pulling away in every way."... your words after three months into the relationship.

He may be a more passive kind of guy that lets you run both your lives, and he may feel a little trapped---a new baby so fast. And, after all, you live with him and you both work at the same place! That puts a huge burden on a relationship, in my opinion.

He is now in the position of just placating you when you make a scene. I think the guy is discouraged.

Why not try some couples counselling to see what is bothering him and what your piece in this is.

Getting out the negative feelings makes room for the good feelings. :)

Best wishes,

As smoothy said something in his mind that you may disturbed him... without knowing that you're doing so...

Think of something which make him rise on his blood pressure... make him to sit lonely or think about something..

May be he wants to be move in his own way...

Both of you should talk and discuss this about.. You'll get a good result as you like...

Sorry sweetie but maybe he legitimately has lost interest in you sexually. Masturbation is fun but you don't give up sex for masturbation. That's just not practical. So his perception of you has changed somehow. Maybe you've gained a lot of weight and he's turned off by that. Maybe birth has a affected your vagina and you don't feel as pleasant (I HIGHLY doubt that but I'm just throwing that out there). Has there been any extreme change in you that has resulted in this?

You should have an honest chat with him to see what's up. Don't just ask him why he isn't having sex with you. Ask about everything. Ask 'why' he's too tired to have sex with you but not too tired to masturbate till midnight. And if he doesn't give you any answers then you have to think about whether you want to stay with him or not. I know you have a child to think about but do you really want to be tied down to a man who doesn't touch you? It may suck but those are the facts. If you don't want to leave him and you don't want inquire as to why he's acting the way he's acting, then simply take some initiative to change the way you look. He's probably looking and sexy, trim in cute outfits with their hear done. So, why don't you make it a personal goes to lose some weight and shape up. Over time, He'll start to notice that your waist is smaller and your legs are sexier. Over time he might notice that you actually got your hair done and now you look just like Katrina from Bustybabes.com. Then he'll realize that he's got a girlfriend to jack off to and maybe that'll get him to start having sex with you. And if not... I'd seriously consider leaving him for someone who does care about your needs. It's not an easy solution. But it's a better one.

You can have both. But I agree with the others, it's not normal to give up sex in favour of masturbating. At least not while you are in a relationship. Sorry, sweetie, but I think the wonder lust is on him. Perhaps he is just curious about what else is out there. Maybe you can think of ways to make sex more exciting.

What about the rest of the relationship?? There has to be a reason a guys behavior changes, and that's what you have to find out in order to resolve it.

I'm not against porn or masturbation, as long as its kept in a healthy, realistic, perspective.

You said you just gave birth, so maybe the attention he use to get, and is not getting now is the problem, or he just got hooked on relieving himself.

I don't know, and maybe he doesn't either, but the challenge is, can you talk and listen, and work together to resolve it???

First, thank you SMOOTHY, for delving further into the issue rather than just blaming me. I don't think I was pressuring him about anything when the problem first started to occur. We did have some issues, but not on my end. I found out he was "talking" to a girl at work. Behind my back, calling her in the middle of the night, had made plans to see her on one of his days off. He said he was talking to her about things he couldn't talk to me about. Then he said she kept calling him trying to get him to hook up with her. I finally told him that I was out of the relationship and he ended his "friendship" with this girl. Three days before I found out about this other girl, he had taken me to look at rings. It was hard to get over that hurdle, but I did.

CHOUX, Don’t you think if he didn’t care for me he would have left? He would have told me to leave? He would have said he didn’t want this anymore? He begged me to stay. I tried to leave numerous times because I felt like he didn’t want to be with me. He has begged me to stay at every turn. He loves me. That I know for sure. I never said we work at the same place. I said we have the same schedule. When he’s home, I’m home and when he does have to work a closing, he’s home when he’s supposed to be. He is always where he is supposed to be. He may be discouraged. That was the point of my post. To find out if it was me, him, both? Normal, not normal? I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried being ugly. Nothing works, he just gets offended. If I were a man, I’d be flattered that my woman wanted me on a regular basis. He’s replacing sex with masturbating and that is not healthy.

As for you, IDISH, you don’t even know me and you are assuming I am the problem. I lost weight throughout our relationship. I’m smaller and more tone now, after having a baby, than I was before. Don’t you think that by now I’ve asked all the why’s and why not’s? Nothing has resulted in an answer. I’m not changing the way I look for anyone. As a matter of fact, I look better now than I ever have. If he didn’t like the way I looked then, then he shouldn’t have gotten involved with me. If he wasn’t willing to roll with the changes that life puts in front of you, physical & emotional, he should have hit the road.

BLUEROSE, “Make sex more exciting”…. Seriously?? I have outfits, garters, stockings, and heels. I’m willing to get as nasty as he’s willing to take it, short of another woman or man in the bedroom. I’m plenty exciting. He’s the prude all of a sudden.

TALANIMAN, I’m not against the porn or masturbation either. But I am against it taking the place of sex. And that was the point of my post. The problem started long before I got pregnant. And as for attention, he can’t stand for me to be all over him anyway.

How do you talk to someone about a problem you have with a certain behavior they have without making him or her angry? I’ve tried everything I know and he stonewalls me each time. He’s given me no reason why it’s become this way. He’s not indicated in any way that he wants out of the relationship. When I moved out he followed me. He had the choice to stay where he was and he followed me. So I guess I just need to talk to him in some way and let him know that I won’t tolerate not being touched. I don’t want my son thinking that that is normal behavior.

Jade,

Well it sounds like you know how to have fun. So I doubt it's boredom. I wonder if it is the old thing of you becoming a mother and him seeing you differently. Was it your first child? I've read about some guys becoming effected with what they call the Madonna syndrome. They see you as the mother of their child and hesitate to be open with their sexual requests. Might be something worth checking out. From what I have read it seldom lasts and things return to normal. Good luck, I hope everything works out.

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Originally Posted by bluerose

jade,

Well it sounds like you know how to have fun. So I doubt it's boredom. I wonder if it is the old thing of you becoming a mother and him seeing you differently. Was it your first child? I’ve read about some guys becoming effected with what they call the Madonna syndrome. They see you as the mother of their child and hesitate to be open with their sexual requests. Might be something worth checking out. From what I have read it seldom lasts and things return to normal. Good luck, I hope everything works out.

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That could partly be true. But this is my first child. And the problem started long before I even got pregnant. It's just gotten worse since the pregnancy and birth. He used to be on the same page as me sexually. It's almost like when he realized he loved me and didn't want me to leave, that part of our relationship got very monotonous and then just stopped existing for the most part. I can suggest something we haven't done and he won't even hear of it.

I'm just at a loss. It's very discouraging.:(

I think you might be onto the issue with his fooling around with this "friend". I'll bet there was a lot more going on than you think or he will admit. I think maybe he was trying to decide to stay or leave you and avoiding sex with you was letting see the real underlying relationship (at least how he sees it).

There are guys that bolt when they are bored... or feel pressure, some just fall out of love and there are some that are just comitment phobic jerks. Much the same as many women can be. He can be any of these so It can be very true you have been a model partner and still had this happen. Unless he is willing to confess to any perceived issues he thinks transpired we are all going to guess. You say there has been no real fighting on issues so we know its not something out in the open.

What makes a man disconnect emotionally and physically?? Shame and guilt come to mind. There is something bigger than him going on.

I can only recommend a third party, mediating, and guiding you through the process, of getting to the root cause of this problem.