I would really appreciate any words of wisdom, advice or thoughts that the members here can offer.

I am a 35 year old man, and have been dating a 33 year woman for a little over a year now. I was married previously and divorced five years ago, but I can honestly say that my current partner is the love of my life. I care for her very deeply and want to have a family together. We have an incredible bond that I have never known with anyone else, and she is my best friend in the world.

There have been some complications, though. I am in the Army National Guard, and she was devastated when I left last fall for some training commitments, convinced that I was going to be gone for two years. That did not end up being the case due to an injury that I received, and I was back home within a few months. We picked up where we left off and our relationship grew much deeper during the first half of this year.

However, I am now scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan in the spring and she has been having full-blown panic attacks over the prospect of losing me again and the possibility of something happening to me. As a result, we have been going through difficult cycles of intimacy and withdrawal, since she tends to deal with stress using avoidance behaviors.

This past weekend, she told me that she cannot be in the relationship with me anymore. She was clearly distraught, and said that she did not have the ability to go through next year with me. At the same time, though, this does not seem like the traditional break-up and I am having a hard time knowing how to approach it, how to handle my own feelings, and how to think about the chances of getting back together. The situation is ambiguous because, in the very same conversation, she stated that she still loves me just as much as ever, that she never expected to find love like this in her life again, that there is no other man waiting and that she is not planning to actively look for one, that I am her best friend, and that she is not asking me to break off all contact. On the contrary, she said that she always wants me in her life.

I have not been perfect, and have made some mistakes, but they were just miscommunications on both of our parts and I don’t think that any anger over them will last. Chiefly, while I have tried to express my feelings and to tell her how much I love her, she did not understand that I wanted to have children with her until his conversation. She was aware that I moved back to our hometown this year to be near her, though.

So, some questions:

1. Is this really a break-up or just a way for her to limit the pain of my coming deployment?
2. How can I maximize my chances of getting back together after the source of her anxiety (my serving in a combat unit) is past?
3. What kind of interactions should I seek and avoid, given that she has not shut me completely out and instead said that we’ll “work it out”?
4. Anything thoughts or learnings that will help me to get through this pain.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JonTX

So, some questions:

1. Is this really a break-up or just a way for her to limit the pain of my coming deployment?
2. How can I maximize my chances of getting back together after the source of her anxiety (my serving in a combat unit) is past?
3. What kind of interactions should I seek and avoid, given that she has not shut me completely out and instead said that we’ll “work it out”?
4. Anything thoughts or learnings that will help me to get through this pain.

---

Jon

1. I's say both. She wants to run away from her pain or anxiety by separating from you.
2. I think she needs to figure out this out on her own. But ask yourself if you want to deal with her insecurity every time something happens that causes her anxiety.
3. Best might be to minimize contact while she sorts out her jumbled feelings
4. I can relate a little in the sense that I was in a relationship with a girl where we got along great and she said that this was what she always wanted, etc. It all fell apart when our relationship hit our first big bump in the road. She thought she was pregnant (turned out to be a false alarm). But it stressed her out and make her doubt the relationship. Other stress in her life compounded the issue (she does not handle stress well). We separated while she needs time to sort out her feelings. I was crushed for awhile. But it made me ask... do I want to give everything in a relationship where the girl is willing to give up so quickly anytime there is a rough patch encountered? Is this someone I can count on in the future? Life has a lot of rough patches and it helps when your partner is willing to weather the storm with you instead of cutting and running so easily...

Thanks for your service,

1. Is this really a break-up or just a way for her to limit the pain of my coming deployment?
I can understand her concerns, and they are very real, and breaking up is her way of dealing with the worst case scenario. Its a difficult situation for her.
2. How can I maximize my chances of getting back together after the source of her anxiety (my serving in a combat unit) is past?
I don't think you can, other than letting her go.
3. What kind of interactions should I seek and avoid, given that she has not shut me completely out and instead said that we'll “work it out”?
If that is truly the case, you can reassure her, but honestly understand if you came back differently, or not at all, she would be devastated. You have to see this from her view, as she has no clue how this will change her life, and she doesn't want to go thru it, or prepare for it.
Just to add, a year together is just in the middle of building this relationship, and your service is cutting that short, and that hurts you both. Its you who must decide if its fair for you to have her waiting in fear until you come back?
4. Anything thoughts or learnings that will help me to get through this pain.
I really feel your best bet is let her go, honor your commitments and see how this looks later. Be friends, and not lovers for her sake.

If this is the real deal, let her go, and see what happens when your obligations are over. No way you save each other from the pain of separation though! Sorry!! Having said that I hope you two can work this out, and at least stay in touch, and pick up where you leave off.

Have to spread it again Tal, but I think what you said to this young man is right to the point.

Not all women are able to fathom what one must do when 'duty calls' and what support those that serve need and deserve in their performance and obligation to their country.

One can be run over by a truck, shot by gang members and robbed, and for some reason that is tolerated and accepted more than serving your country willingly.

Realistically, there is no way we can 'protect' those we love from any danger at all. We can only hope that all will turn out well. That includes partnerships, planning children or careers and just finding time to share quality time with someone special without constantly being faced with the dangers lurking out there in the world today.

If she has a stressfull nature, it might help her to join a group of her peers and learn how to deal with such stress. Since 9/11 the symptoms of such stress has more than multiplied and therapists have been kept very busy, along with support groups from various military services for family members.

Since this is unavoidable now and in the future, the only thing we can do is to follow our 'gut feelings' and that's what she is trying to do in a round-about way. She might be there when he returns and things will be fine until her next encounter with stress of similar kind, but if she is going to select a partnership with someone in any service that is dangerous (i.e. military, police, fireman, pilot,etc), she really needs time to learn to deal with her stress. Otherwise, she needs to go out in the country and find a 'safe' farmer who is less inclined to travel on a train, plane, or anything faster than a tractor.

Bigdee.. she needs the time to sort her phobias and fears out and only she can do it. You can try and assure her that things will be calmer upon your return, but she still will not believe it. It will also be her choice to join a group to learn how to deal with such anxieties. So, make a clean break, clear your mind, (I know it will be hard) but it's also a lot safer for you. Then, when you get ready to come back home, contact her and see if she is willing to continue where you left off. But, it will do neither of you any good to nurture false hopes at this time - it will divert you from serious survival instincts which you will need every day.

I have a brother in Irak at present and worry about him constantly. But coming from a military family background, I also know that anything is possible. If one does not grow up in such an environment, I can imagine how difficult it is to deal with this reality on a daily basis. I, for one, wish you and your company all the best and hope you come back healthy and that each of you get the chance for happiness that you all deserve.

As for the pain of breaking up - no recipe (it happens to millions of us), just the hope that you heal and that you have another chance at this partnership when you return.

Bless you!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/14/14_2_108.gif http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_54.gif

There's no ambiguity here. Love feelings are felt apart from mental choices. Breaking up with a wife-beating-foul-mouthed-miscreant would not cause the love that brought them together to be gone, too.

So, stop thinking feelings and decisions go hand in hand. They don't.

You have chosen a military life path. Very noble. Good for you. But as with anything in life, choosing one thing means giving up others. In this case, you cannot make a non-military-minded-girl miserable. You simply can't.

The military is about protecting people. You need to apply that here as well. This girl's affection for you will allow her to hurt herself over you, something you shouldn't allow.

If she's getting up the strength to make this break with you prior to your deployment, you should see that this is GOOD for her, and you want good for her, right?

When you're tour(s) of duty are over, I'm sure you will be able to look her up and find out from afar if she's still single. If so, reacquaint. If not, leave her be.

Thanks for all you've sworn yourself to do.

Thanks to everyone for the responses so far.

It has been six days since the break-up and, aside from a letter I sent to her that night, we have had almost no contact. I say almost because she poked me on Facebook and I poked her back, that's it. In my letter, I told her that my feelings have not changed but that I will respect her need for some distance from the reality of my deployment. I also told her that when I get off the plane, she is the first person I'll be looking for. She responded that she hoped she could be there.

Since then, I have been doing a lot of thinking, being honest with myself and taking stock of the situation. I have realized a few things.

First, she did not ask for a break in contact or for me to leave her life. She made it clear that she still needs me in her life, but must deescalate for her own peace of mind. For how long? Who knows, but I don't think that things will change until I return safe and sound.

This hurts. I know that she is in pain and I want to hold her and help her through it. In this case, though, there is nothing I can do to help her feel better aside from making this easy on her. I.e. being careful with my communications and dredging up painful conversations over and over again.

Which brings me to my second realization. I love this woman so completely that I am willing to be okay with a deep friendship for the next 18 months or so. I want to be involved on terms that work for her not as a way of keeping an option open, or as a sneaky way to win her back, but because she is such an important part of my life that I cannot bear the thought of losing her completely.

So, I am facing a tricky time. I told her that I would get back in touch next week after things have cooled off a bit. I first need to confirm that she was being honest about her need to maintain a relationship with me, because I don't want to expend precious emotional energy beating my head against a wall trying to build our relationship on different terms if it is not really wanted.

If it is, I expect that we'll both be very tentative and I think my best hope is to keep things pleasant and let her see that I am still her best friend, and that I am not going to cause her more stress by crossing any lines. If I can pull this off right, I think that we may actually be closer by the time that I return than we are now.

I continue to welcome your thoughts. This has been very helpful for me.

JBeaucaire, I thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts but must respectfully disagree. Yes, the military is about protecting people. But we in the military are just human beings with a crushing responsibility. We are not warrior monks and our relationships back home are what keep us going. Yes, we must self-edit to preserve our loved ones' peace of mind, but it is unreasonable to expect that we live without love because of our commitments.

The protectors need and deserve the active love of the protected, otherwise it is not worth it and the sacrifice means nothing. I hope that you can understand that. That being said, the current reality is clearly a bit too much for my loved one, and I am going to have to dial things back a bit and pray to God that she is still here when I return.

First let me say "Thank you for your service"
I think you have come to a conclusion on how to handle this. If you can do your job and keep your head and heart straight on these terms, go for it.
Let her deal with this her way and you do what you have to do.
When your tour is up, I hope you find things as you hope them to be.

Jon, I hope you didn't read me generalizing that soldiers should be monks. Not at all. I was responding to your specific situation and to what you presented to us as your specific girl. In that case, the speech I gave about the military life was meant to help you and you alone.

If that's unclear, read it one more time to confirm.

I would never suggest monkhood (no women at all, ever) to a virile soldier-type. I understand soldiers are people, regular people, so do not doubt I am excited to help military folk establish strong and healthy relationships, even during deployment. Absolutely.

But that only works if the girl is of the right ilk. This has nothing to do with who you are, it has solely to do with who she is and what she is capable... and what she is not.

As long as you clearly understand who she is, the decisions become clearer... thus the content of my original post/suggestion.

Quote:

---

The protectors need and deserve the active love of the protected, otherwise it is not worth it and the sacrifice means nothing.

---

Yes, you do deserve love, but the same as non-military personnel, compatibility is key above love for the relationships to work...

... and meanwhile, regardless of individual realities, the sacrifices made by you and yours are worth it, always, regardless. I disagree that anything a long individual here can do invalidates the worth of your sacrifice. Ever.

Quote:

---

That being said, the current reality is clearly a bit too much for my loved one, and I am going to have to dial things back a bit and pray to God that she is still here when I return.

---

Roger that.

JBeaucaire, no worries, I understand where you are coming from now and appreciate the input.

There have been some developments. Last night I received a midnight phone call from a close mutual friend who told me that he has been diagnosed with advanced stage cancer. I had resolved not to contact my GF again until next week, but I finally caved and sent her a text message. It was a funny little thing, since I did not want to guilt her into interacting with me using a bunch of drama. She responded immediately in a playful tone, asked how I was doing, and I gave her the news and we also talked about how she is doing.

After a few messages, she invited me to call her if I wanted to talk. I did, and we had a great conversation for about 20 minutes. I never brought up any relationship stuff, we just talked about our lives and joked around a bit. There was no dark cloud hanging over us. It was as though the break-up conversation never happened, although I did avoid telling her that I love her (much as I wanted to). Before getting off the phone, she asked if I needed anything from her. I thanked her for listening and told her just to keep being my best friend. She responded, "that's what I'm here for." We are going to meet for dinner sometime next week, and I think my challenge will be to make it pleasant so that she doesn't shut me out in the future.

Anyway, I have more hope now, since she clearly meant what she said about wanting to stay active in each others' lives. I am not going to push her or obsess about the future. I am going to focus on today and on keeping our friendship alive. I am going to focus on drawing as much joy as I can from our remaining interactions and let her see that that is my focus. I believe that the rest will work itself out with time and, if I stick to my plan, I won't have to have any regrets regardless of whether we get back together.

I think you nailed that call perfectly. The friend zone is your best course here, so ride that path appropriately.

Well. Done.