Ask Me Help Desk - What do I do?

My ex and I were talking last night after a much needed break. She actually wound up making me have absolutely no contact with my daughter for over a week. She would send text messages to other people wanting to know if I was OK and saying stuff like it hurts her to know the way I must have been feeling about that situation. Let me start by saying that is the worst pain in the world not to be able to contact , see, anything with your child. That being said she finally answered my call last night so I could talk with my daughter. I was a very happy man! She told me that she wasn't a cruel cold hearted person and she wasn't trying to hurt me. She also told me she even missed me a little. Whaen I asked her to explain she said she didn't know if she missed me because she was lonely or if she actually missed me. She went on to say that she missed the comfort of a man arms and that I have been that comfort for the past five years. She agreed to let me see my daughter and I told her that maybe we should sit and talk and see where it goes. She asked me if I have been with or slept with anyone since she has been gon (only 4 months) and I told the truth which is NO. I asked her and she said no but I know for a fact she has thought about it because she even told me she thought about it when she had a crush on a guy she meet in the bar. Anyway, I taked to my daughter and got off the phone. I was laying in bed thinking when the phone rings... it was her! SHE SAID WHAT ARE YOU DOING AND I TOLD HER AND SHE STARTED TALKING TO ME AS IF NOTHING WAS GOING ON . She told me she didn't know what to do that when we talked it complicated things but since she did this with my daughter it made her feel even worst. We talked for about an hour and I told her that I would love to be there laying next to her holding her and she said yea it would be nice. I asked if she wanted me to come over and she said not tonight. I have a lawyer for the child situation but she doesn't know that. She will be served papers soon and I am guessing that will start a whole nother saga.. lol I asked if I could call my daughter today and she said yes. Then I asked if I could call her and she said yes. I even told her I figured that once everything was said and done we probably would not talk and she asked why not. I told her I just figured she wanted it that way and she said NO. This morning I called and asked if she was serious about the things she said last night and at first she said she didn't remember. Then she said it wasn't like she was professing her love to me. When I asked if she was serious about me laying next to her she said no that she just missed a man around. What do I do? What do I believe? Why would she say these things if they were not true? She has been telling everyone that I am harassing her and all this but I was advised to record every phone conversation with her so I did and I have all this on tape to prove it. Is she wanting to be with me or not? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Firstly can I ask how old your ex-partner is? And also how it came about you moving out and splittng up? As there are a couple of scenerios which could be behind why she's acting the way she is. However, all that aside, your main priority must be your child and the impact this is having on him/her and ensuring regular contact is a must. You have been very wise to have found yourself a solicitor and to have recorded your conversation as you do need to protect yourself and I would continue doing this, but the one bit of advice I would give is to tell her about the solicitor as it will be a lot worse her finding out by receiving a legal letter from your representative

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Originally Posted by gemini1969

Firstly can I ask how old your ex-partner is? and also how it came about you moving out and splittng up? as there are a couple of scenerios which could be behind why she's acting the way she is. However, all that aside, your main priority must be your child and the impact this is having on him/her and ensuring regular contact is a must. You have been very wise to have found yourself a solicitor and to have recorded your conversation as you do need to protect yourself and I would continue doing this, but the one bit of advice I would give is to tell her about the solicitor as it will be alot worse her finding out by receiving a legal letter from your representative

She is 29 and she moved out because I have a hard time showing my emotions. I am not right for not showing her how much she means to me but that is why she left. I have not told her about the lawyer because I was advised not too. She also has one she has not told me about. She knows I have talked with one but all that is happening is that we have to have visitation and paternity drawn up since we were not married. She knows this because she requested it. Please , any advise would be great. I think she still loves me and wants to be with me but how can I be sure she is not using me or just telling me bs?

Beside the fact that you two are a lousy fit together, with no semblance of being able to communicate, or work together at all, your parents.

Forget the getting back together, and act on behalf of your child, and otherwise leave each other alone.

Hate to be harsh, but I see no way you two will ever be together.

I believe she still likes you too but you both lack communication skills. As you said, you are not vocal so she ends up reading between lines, assuming and testing.

Communication is basic but often forgotten. Say what you mean, mean what you say, act the way you feel.

Learn this if you consider going back and getting new one or else, things will be the same over and over.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

I believe she still likes you too but you both lack communication skills. As you said, you are not vocal so she ends up reading between lines, assuming and testing.

Communication is basic but often forgotten. Say what you mean, mean what you say, act the way you feel.

Learn this if you consider going back and getting new one or else, things will be the same over and over.

I agree with all of you and actually we are trying. I have learned to take a chance and open up more and she is trying to open up more as well. Its hard for me because I have always felt the world was out to get me and not sure why she closed me off. I have eveb told her that I always wanted that specific part for her to talk with me. I understand both of you but my point is even if you do not see us ever getting back together I believe anything is possible. We were not always like this... actually the first two years were great. So now what? Should I leave her alone to figure things out or what?

You should figure out how to raise a happy, healthy, child, who is loved by you both. If nothing else, at least do that.

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Originally Posted by lonely1

i agree with all of you and actually we are trying. I have learned to take a chance and open up more and she is trying to open up more as well. Its hard for me because i have always felt the world was out to get me and not sure why she closed me off. I have eveb told her that i always wanted that specific part for her to talk with me. i understand both of you but my point is even if you do not see us ever getting back together i believe anything is possible. We were not always like this ... actually the first two years were great. so now what? should i leave her alone to figure things out or what?

Why not write her a letter? Tell there everything. Explain yourself, what you think about your relationship, what you feel about things, what do you want from her, what do you expect.

Always always remember this, women fall in love on their ears.

In writing, at least you can think over and over what to say and how are you going to say it. You don't have to be a poet, just write by your heart. If she doesn't respond back until such time (say 2 weeks), then that's it.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

Why not write her a letter? Tell there everything. Explain yourself, what you think about your relationship, what you feel about things, what do you want from her, what do you expect.

Always always remember this, women fall in love on their ears.

In writing, at least you can think over and over what to say and how are you going to say it. You don't have to be a poet, just write by your heart. If she doesn't respond back until such time (say 2 weeks), then that's it.

I have done this as well. She keeps the letters and last night whie talking she admitted she is still in love with me. She also went on to say that everyone that knew the situation would think she was crazy for getting back with me. I told her that I didn't care about everyone else its our lives that we would have to live and not them and she went silent. She also told me she wanted me to wrap my arms around her while she slept... I just want my family back so bad. Is this even possible? I mean a lot has happened to us in the past 4 months. Her parents don't like us being together because we were raised differently. I hear it in here voice that she wants to try but is scared that it will go back to the way it used to be. I am willing to do anything to be with this woman. Please advise.. Thank you for all your responses so far.

You need a break from this situation, my friend, and I highly recommend you leave her alone for a while. Stepping back will at least let the emotional dust settle so you can put this in perspective. Your whole thinking process needs some clarity.

So you were raised differently.She want's you back but the whole world say's no. Aside from you not being vocal, is there anything more why you are AGAINST ALL ODDS? Just curious.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

So you were raised differently.She want's you back but the whole world say's no. Aside from you not being vocal, is there anything more why you are AGAINST ALL ODDS? Just curious.

What do you mean? We have been seeing each other since the last time I posted anything and she tells me she has missed me and is moving back in with me. We even discussed getting married and she was very excited as well as I am. Things are going a lot better now so now what? Lol
I want to do this once only so how do I keep from making the same mistakes this time? She has not yet told her parents but says she is working on it... that should be intresting seeing how none of them like me at all... what do you think?

I think if you're going to "try this again", don't "try it" under the same roof. You will DECREASE your chances of succeeding and you will INCREASE the misery level if/when it all heads down the same path.

Being real bf/gf from separate addresses, making appointments to spend real time together, making the best of the time together, and then each going home... THAT'S courtship that can actually work out.

That's my advice. Do not repeat old habits, old dating haunts, and avoid the devastating shortcut ideas like living together. That's my advice.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

I think if you're going to "try this again", don't "try it" under the same roof. You will DECREASE your chances of succeeding and you will INCREASE the misery level if/when it all heads down the same path.

Being real bf/gf from separate addresses, making appointments to spend real time together, making the best of the time together, and then each going home ....THAT'S courtship that can actually work out.

That's my advice. Do not repeat old habits, old dating haunts, and avoid the devastating shortcut ideas like living together. That's my advice.

It is great advise but we have a child together so that kind of rules that out if you know what I mean.