Ask Me Help Desk - Fired from my job at church

I worked for a church as their Worship Director for 3.5 years and was let go this past May. I've been married to an abusive man for 15 years, and long-story-short, I wrongly got myself involved in an emotional affair with another man... someone who understood what I was going through. Another long-story-short, I eventually was fired because of it. I never had a problem with their reason for firing me; my problem is with what the pastor shared with the congregation. He told them exactly why I was leaving my position... that I was having inappropriate communication with men, and that the church did everything they could to help me through it. I was left looking like the town tramp and the church, like angels. Can an employer do that? Can they make a public announcement to hundreds of people, airing your dirty laundry? I begged the pastor not to share that much detail, but he did anyway. He actually shared even more detail than he originally told me he would. I feel like I've been hung out to dry.

And if that wasn't bad enough, just within the last couple of weeks, a few of my emails with this man were found on the computer that I used to use at the church (I transferred them by accident). Instead of the pastor coming to ME, he went straight to my husband and not only told him about the emails, but also gave him a copy of them. They were very hurtful and anger provoking... as you can probably imagine. I am furious with the pastor for doing this behind my back. Should those emails had been any of his business? Did he have the right to do that? I could have gotten hurt because of his actions. My husband can be very unpredictable when angry.

Do I have any sort of case here? Or is the "church" exempt from such law suites? I don't know how I could ever get another job in ministry. Stuff like this travels like wild fire amongst a small town. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

It is easy in most churches, one can be accepted when they repent and show they have turned from their sin. I am not sure that they should have done this, but then if what they told was true, that is a harder issue.

I would ask why you have stayed with an abusive husband for 15 years, why have you not left him

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

It is easy in most churches, one can be accepted when they repent and show they have turned from thier sin. I am not sure that they should have done this, but then if what they told was true, that is a harder issue.

I would ask why you have stayed with an abusive husband for 15 years, why have you not left him

:confused: I'm a bit confused with your answer. What does being repentant have to do with how the church handled this situation? I can repent all I want, but it isn't going to change the fact that they aired my personal life to the whole congregation.

For the most part, what they told was true... they just left out a lot of key information, which left me looking worse. The facts of the situation were twisted into something that worked for the church's best interest. I've never disputed the facts; actually, I've owned up to what I did and have taken full responsibility. How does the "truth" make this a "harder issue"?

If I worked in a corporate office somewhere, and was embezzling money from the business, resulting in my termination, would it be right for my employer to gather all of the employees in a room and share with them the details as to why I was being fired? That just doesn't happen. Sure, rumors and stories get passed along by way of gossip, but it would be unheard of and unacceptable (even illegal) for an employer to do that. Why does it seem to be OK in the church? That's my real question. Can they do that?

As for my abusive husband... it's not as easy as just picking up and leaving. As a Christian, I have always felt that I needed to stay and try to work things out with him... I've always hoped for change on his part. But recently I've come to the realization that he will most likely never change, unless God works a miracle in his life. I know you probably think it's ridiculous that it would take 15 years to figure this out. I think that deep down inside, I've always known... I've just been in denial.

I am currently unemployed, living off his dime. I can't just up and leave. Where would I go? How would I support myself and my 12 year old son? I now understand why women stay in their abusive relationships. They couldn't make it on their own, so putting up with the abuse seems better than being out on the street. Twisted, I know, but nonetheless true.

I hope that helps to clear up any of your questions.

Hello singing:

I think they're guilty of "Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress". I think you can sue them and win big.

Go see the meanest and toughest lawyer in your town.

excon

Quote:

Originally Posted by SingingForHim

:confused: I'm a bit confused with your answer. What does being repentant have to do with how the church handled this situation? I can repent all I want, but it isn't going to change the fact that they aired my personal life to the whole congregation.

For the most part, what they told was true...........they just left out a lot of key information, which left me looking worse. The facts of the situation were twisted into something that worked for the church's best interest. I've never disputed the facts; actually, I've owned up to what I did and have taken full responsibility. How does the "truth" make this a "harder issue"?

If I worked in a corporate office somewhere, and was embezzling money from the business, resulting in my termination, would it be right for my employer to gather all of the employees in a room and share with them the details as to why I was being fired? That just doesn't happen. Sure, rumors and stories get passed along by way of gossip, but it would be unheard of and unacceptable (even illegal) for an employer to do that. Why does it seem to be ok in the church? That's my real question. Can they do that?

As for my abusive husband............it's not as easy as just picking up and leaving. As a Christian, I have always felt that I needed to stay and try to work things out with him.....I've always hoped for change on his part. But recently I've come to the realization that he will most likely never change, unless God works a miracle in his life. I know you probably think it's ridiculous that it would take 15 years to figure this out. I think that deep down inside, I've always known......I've just been in denial.

I am currently unemployed, living off his dime. I can't just up and leave. Where would I go? How would I support myself and my 12 year old son? I now understand why women stay in their abusive relationships. They couldn't make it on their own, so putting up with the abuse seems better than being out on the street. Twisted, I know, but nonetheless true.

I hope that helps to clear up any of your questions.

If you are asking about suing them for disclosing information which you think should not have been made public, here's some info (quoting myself here): "Briefly - Generally in law libel refers to permanent/written statements and slander refers to non-permanent/spoken statements. Defamation (of character) covers both categories.

You must be damaged - and prove damages - in order to recover. The statements (either written or spoken) must be false but presented as though they were true and be beyond offensive, derogatory or insulting. Such statement must rise to a level which actually harms a person's reputation. In general the person making the statement must either know it isn't true or make the statement without attempting to verify if it is true.

The defense to defamation is that the information was not presented as the truth (which covers gossip), that the information was never secret (privileged) and was always public."

If what was said was true and by way of explanation, if it was said to reassure the members of the Church that you weren't dismissed because money was missing, then I don't see that you have an action against the church.

Likewise - and I think it's comparing apples to oranges - if someone steals, yes, very often a general announcement is made to combat rumors.

As I understand this - and please correct me if I'm wrong - you are married; you were a church employee and, therefore, held to a higher standard of conduct; you had a relationship (at best) or an affair with another church member and you are attempting to explain it away because you were in an abusive marriage which somehow made the relationship/affair "okay;" you were terminated; and now the Church has left out key information which makes you look bad and, I suppose, the Church look good.

What information did "they" leave out that would substantially change or justify the circumstances?

I do note you posted about your relationship with this other (married) person in July, stating you spent 2-4 hours a day emailing him and were very emotionally attached.

Was he removed from Church membership and has his name been mentioned?

Hello again:

I agree with my colleagues, in that if you sue for slander, the TRUTH to what was said is a defense, and you'd lose.

However, I suggested you sue for inflicting distress upon you. The LEGAL basis for my suggestion is that the distribution of the "truth" was intended to HARM you.

I don't know if he can do that. Certainly, a lawyer will tell you.

excon

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

If you are asking about suing them for disclosing information which you think should not have been made public, here's some info (quoting myself here): "Briefly - Generally in law libel refers to permanent/written statements and slander refers to non-permanent/spoken statements. Defamation (of character) covers both categories.

You must be damaged - and prove damages - in order to recover. The statements (either written or spoken) must be false but presented as though they were true and be beyond offensive, derogatory or insulting. Such statement must rise to a level which actually harms a person’s reputation. In general the person making the statement must either know it isn’t true or make the statement without attempting to verify if it is true.

The defense to defamation is that the information was not presented as the truth (which covers gossip), that the information was never secret (privileged) and was always public."

If what was said was true and by way of explanation, if it was said to reassure the members of the Church that you weren't dismissed because money was missing, then I don't see that you have an action against the church.

Likewise - and I think it's comparing apples to oranges - if someone steals, yes, very often a general announcement is made to combat rumors.

As I understand this - and please correct me if I'm wrong - you are married; you were a church employee and, therefore, held to a higher standard of conduct; you had a relationship (at best) or an affair with another church member and you are attempting to explain it away because you were in an abusive marriage which somehow made the relationship/affair "okay;" you were terminated; and now the Church has left out key information which makes you look bad and, I suppose, the Church look good.

What information did "they" leave out that would substantially change or justify the circumstances?

I do note you posted about your relationship with this other (married) person in July, stating you spent 2-4 hours a day emailing him and were very emotionally attached.

Was he removed from Church membership and has his name been mentioned?

Yes, you understand correctly. Knowing that I was married and held to a higher standard because of my position, I certainly can't argue with the church's decision to fire me. I never had a problem with that. I only ever had a problem with their decision to share the details as to why I was leaving. I would have liked for them to just say that I was stepping down due to personal issues, and leave it at that.

I never tried to "explain away" the relationship. Sure, I can see reasons I did what I did, but ultimately, I had a choice to make. Unfortunately, I made the wrong one. No amount of information could ever "justify" the circumstances. I did it, it was wrong... period. It's just the way that it was presented to the congregation that has me upset. I guess I should just chalk it up to consequences of my behavior and leave it at that.

No, the other man was not disciplined in any way. He's free to go to the church, serve in ministry, or do whatever else he wants. And no, his name has never been mentioned. Again... I'M the one being held to a higher standard.

Thanks for your reply and advice. Sounds like I should just forgive and move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SingingForHim

Thanks for your reply and advice. Sounds like I should just forgive and move on.

Hello again, singing:

I don't disagree with my friend Judy's advice. I DO, however, believe in crossing all the t's and dotting all the I's. Therefore, before I moved on, I'd pay a visit to a lawyer. If you don't have a case, he'll tell you and he won't charge you.

THEN, I'd move on.

But, if you DO have a case, he'll probably take the case on consignment. That means that you don't have to pay unless you WIN. Furthermore, MOST cases are settled LONG before it goes to court. In my view, the church will settle with you for a LOT of money.

Ok, you were wrong. The Pastor was WRONGER!!

excon

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

Hello again, singing:

I don't disagree with my friend Judy's advice. I DO, however, believe in crossing all the t's and dotting all the i's. Therefore, before I moved on, I'd pay a visit to a lawyer. If you don't have a case, he'll tell you and he won't charge you.

THEN, I'd move on.

But, if you DO have a case, he'll probably take the case on consignment. That means that you don't have to pay unless you WIN. Furthermore, MOST cases are settled LONG before it goes to court. In my view, the church will settle with you for a LOT of money.

Ok, you were wrong. The Pastor was WRONGER!!!!

excon

And I agree with my friend Excon - never hurts to consult with an Attorney. (Unless furniture is involved it's contingency, not consignment - :)).

Thanks to both of you, excon and JudyKayTee, for taking the time to answer my questions and giving me advice. I do appreciate it very much. Thank You! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by SingingForHim

Thanks to both of you, excon and JudyKayTee, for taking the time to answer my questions and giving me advice. I do appreciate it very much. Thank You! :)

I'm digesting why - and I think it changes things - you were invited to be uninvited and "he" is still welcome - ?

I think that very well may change things. It sounds like you are being discussed as some sort of punishment, not to inform anybody of anything.

I'd consult with an Attorney.

The part about the church "finding" your emails on their computer. You left them there. You were using their computer. You relinquished your ownership to the emails when you "accidently" transferred them onto their computer. You are at fault for that portion, not the church. They were just investigating their computer and you left some swell evidence for them to see.

As far as airing your dirty laundry in church in front of a lot of people, I think the pastor was deeply hurt by your actions having a coveted post within the church as Worship Director he felt you were beyond reproach and felt betrayed by you.

Consult an attorney on this one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

The part about the church "finding" your emails on their computer. You left them there. You were using their computer. You relinquished your ownership to the emails when you "accidently" transferred them onto their computer. You are at fault for that portion, not the church. They were just investigating their computer and you left some swell evidence for them to see.

As far as airing your dirty laundry in church in front of a lot of people, I think the pastor was deeply hurt by your actions having a coveted post within the church as Worship Director he felt you were beyond reproach and felt betrayed by you.

Go ahead and consult an attorney on this one.

So what are you saying? Because I hurt and betrayed the pastor, that gives him the right to turn around and hurt me? I understand what you are saying, but it doesn't seem right. It felt more like revenge to me.

As for finding those emails... yes, you are right. I was the idiot that didn't go through all of my files closely before leaving the church. I'm kicking myself for that. Not that I was trying to hide something... I just didn't want to hurt my husband any more than I already had, when I told him about the emotional affair. I wanted all that crap to be in the past.

Those emails were found 6 months after they were written. Why would the pastor choose to open that can of worms again? That's what has me puzzled. What was the purpose? To hurt me? To say, "I told you so"? It's just very disturbing to me... not to mention, hurtful. I just want to move on, but I can't do that if these sorts of things keep surfacing.

Thanks for your reply.