Ask Me Help Desk - Worried about 19 year old daughter who lies

I am extremely concerned about my 19 year old daughter. She has been caught twice now stealing checks from her father and I, one of those time was from her grandmother. She is incapable of not spending money and will lie about it until we catch her by checking bank accounts, etc.

I have also noticed that she seems to be obsessed with boys. She has to have a boyfriend at all times and has actually cheated on this last one when she discovered a new guy that she liked.

She is currently in college at our local junior college and last semester made pretty decent grades. She also works mostly full time and seems to do a good job based on what we can find out from her employers.

She has always had ADD and has taken meds in the past but stopped when she got out of high school. (We took her out of an expensive private school as a senior due to serious social problems with mean girls with extravagant spending habits, no curfew, and generally different lifestyles.)

I can't tell how far spread the lying is - if it is limited to her spending habits or if she lies to everyone about everything. I am pretty sure she lied to this last boyfriend in order to cheat with the new guy. This seems to be a new behaviour that we have not experienced before. I also think that she makes up or embellishes her stories to make them a bit more interesting.

I know we need counselling - this is hard as her father travels for work (which is not great right now) and I just started a new job with a rather difficult employer. Any ideas that we can work on until we can get to a counselor would be helpful.

God,that sounds just like me when I was 19 years old. Only thing is I never stole anything from anybody ever. If it were me and my daughter,I would find out what she is spending the money on. Ask her to show reciepts to verify her spending . The reason I say to do this,is she might have discovered drugs. Meth in particular. Those girls at the other school , might have been running around in that circle if they had money to burn with nothing to show. I don't think having the ADD has really anything to do with the situation. I had it back then,and still do. That was before they declaired it a medical problem,so I have never taken medicine for it. But,come to think of it, Amphetamines is the drug they treat that with. Dexadrine,Benzadrine are both a type of speed. Did you take her off them,or did she choose to? Maybe she has gone to Meth Amphetamines. That is really expencive,not to mention against the law and addictive. Big time! Good luck

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Originally Posted by sandyspacecase

God,that sounds just like me when I was 19 years old. Only thing is I never stole anything from anybody ever. If it were me and my daughter,I would find out what she is spending the money on. Ask her to show reciepts to verify her spending . The reason I say to do this,is she might have discovered drugs. Meth in paticular. Those girls at the other school , might have been running around in that circle if they had money to burn with nothing to show. I don't think having the ADD has really anything to do with the situation. I had it back then,and still do. That was before they declaired it a medical problem,so I have never taken medicine for it. But,come to think of it, Amphetamines is the drug they treat that with. Dexadrine,Benzadrine are both a type of speed. Did you take her off them,or did she choose to? Maybe she has gone to Meth Amphetamines. That is really expencive,not to mention against the law and addictive. Big time! Good luck

Her father can check her bank account online. She does not cash the checks (well, she did one for 50.00). She deposits them to her account and we see where she uses her debit card. It is lots of clothes, primarily. Lunch out a lot, TONS of nail and pedicure appts. And I called the salon to verify that they are doing her nails, plus they are a different color each time she comes in and just junk in general like that. Nothing every really big or untrackable. I had brothers with drug issues (thankfully they recovered) and I am not seeing any of those signals. She told her father that spending money helped her feel good. I know she is having self esteem issues and this may be a way of coping with those.

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Originally Posted by Marcus1958

I know she is having self esteem issues and this may be a way of coping with those.

This is almost certainly the cause of the issue. She is obsessed with boys because the attention makes her feel good about herself, and she spends frivolously because it feels good to buy things. Of course, these feelings are universal for anyone, but in her case it sounds like these things are filling a void for her.

I can't really offer substantial advise on how to address this problem, but her self-esteem is definitely what you need to tackle.

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Originally Posted by DrLang

This is almost certainly the cause of the issue. She is obsessed with boys because the attention makes her feel good about herself, and she spends frivolously because it feels good to buy things. Of course, these feelings are universal for anyone, but in her case it sounds like these things are filling a void for her.

I can't really offer substantial advise on how to address this problem, but her self-esteem is definitely what you need to tackle.

I am not versed in psychology, but I have to agree that from what I can gather, self-esteem is the issue. She had a about with a really "bad boy" boyfriend about a year and a half ago and we knew it came from se issues she suffered at a very difficult private school with a really extraordinarly mean bunch of girls. She has a wonderful home life - great parents,(if I do say so myself) - her dad is amazing and adores her. He has a great sense of humor and is very kind and ethey are very close but there is still something missing. She seems to have a good relationship with me and even her 15 year old brother.

Gess we need some therapy before her spending habits and boy issues get even more out of hand than they are now.

Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your young one. Though it may seem all fun and games when we just get out of school, and things are in our hands and not others, burning a bridge can be a devastating thing, especially later in life.

There is nothing you can do for her, she has to do it her self, but you can be there when the time comes for her to come to grips, mind you, maybe this is fine for her, and she'll come out with out any problems.

Yes, counseling is probably best, and till then, sit tight, or talk to her. Try focusing on your life, and that way if things go poor for her you can be there for her. Just don't forget to live your own life! Have some fun, and join a club, unless you are apart of one, then get more involved.

Chow for now.

p.s. Just ideas, no need to agree or disagree, just let them sift through the mental screen you have and if one works good, if not, no worries. Peace.

ADD people steal and that is proven. Why she have to work. I have a daughter 20 and only study . We are Indian and our kids don't work until done with school.If your kid in junior she will take transfer in University and hopefully things will be OK. Put her on medication because ADHD people steal.