Hello everyone, I'm new here. Im stuck in a situation that I can't help but ask about.. I know there are others that feel the same and that is why I'm here. About 2 months ago a relationship ended that meant the world to me.. she was my first love, the first one I ever felt a connection with. Im not saying I've never had a girlfriend.. she was just the one I actually grew to love, and now she hates me yet I still love her. We had promised each other we would always be friends.. but I broke up with her because I was feeling confused about where we were going, she even wanted to be friends with me still when I told her. I eventually came to my senses and realized I had made such a big mistake.. she was my best friend and she was the only one I could talk to when I was in the dumps. Whenever I wanted her back she wanted to remain just friends.. I was devastated and could not just be friends.. it was ockward. We still talked with each other. She said she wanted me in her life and I just kept pushing her away because I couldn't understand why she wouldn't take me back.. she even said she loved me "as a friend" this hurt.. because I wanted to be that guy. Her one and only.. we dated for about 2 years. One very regretful night I decided to drink with my friends.. which was a mistake because I was angry at her for not wanting me back.. so I called her a very hurtful name over the phone.. it hurt her so bad that after that she wanted nothing to do with me, she didn't even want to be friends. She doesn't want me calling her, emailing her or anything. Ive tried to say sorry so much she just wouldn't have it.. she said I creeped her out and now everyday I live with heartache and regret because of one drunkin night.. I regret it so much and I still love her with all my heart and she hates me with a passion. It just hurts so bad to know I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me in an instant.. I treated her so well she was the light of my world, everything to me.. I called her a bad name just one time.. and I guess that's all it took.
One night it was so bad I felt like killing myself because I couldn't handle the regret. The pain is so great.. right when I start to feel better I hear a song.. or simply see something that brings back a memory of her and it starts all over. I thought id give her time to herself and just respect her wishes and leave her alone.. give her time to think. I emailed her recently asking how she was and nothings changed, she has forgotten me and I still love her. Every moment is utter pain.. its like right when my heart starts to scab over something rips it right off again. I just wish she could understand how sorry I am and how badly I feel. I would do anything in the world to have her back, but I know its not meant to be. I want to move on.. I want to forget her like she forgot me.. its so bad that I've become miserable. Does anyone know what I'm going through? Has anyone experienced this or am I going crazy? I would appreciate what anyone has to say and I would respect it if anyone could relate to this somehow. I just need to know I'm not going coo coo here. Thank you everyone for reading this. Please share if you have gone through something like this so I can know this won't last forever. Thank you everyone!!