Hi, Sorry, I've wriiten such a long post, I hope you will plough through it. :)
We are in an uncomfortable situation with our daughter-in-law. Our son had a relationship with a young girl when he was 18, and they had 2 girls. They separated when the youngest was a few weeks off turning one. He since formed a relationship with our DIL and they now have 3 girls. My husband and I have had regular contact with the first two girls. Every weekend for 4 years plus days in between. Now it is every 2nd weekend for a year. They lived with us for 10 months before my son and former partner separated. It has been very very hard for us at times but we looked after these children because they needed it. It's a long story of neglect, in many forms. And my son has played his part in their neglect as he basically gave them the flick to focus on the new girlfriend... and every thing you worry about happening to kids did happen to these two. It has been constant stress and worry. And certainly a situation we didn't choose. We've sacrafised a social life, our time and money, in a time of our lives when we would have much rather have just focused on enjoying each others company and make the most of our life together but through it all we have a good strong bond/relationship with these two. They are very comfortable here and we love them dearly. We have not had the constant contact with the next 3. they haven't needed us to be there like the first two. They have a large extended family that love them dearly and I am grateful for that and believe my daughter-in-law does a fantastic job caring for them in all ways. And truthfully we feel burnt out and don't want our lives filled up with more kids. The first two would have been okay if their mother was able to care for them but she did not. The first 2 have basically nothing, the other 3 have everything little kids need and more. My daughter-in-law has told me off twice now because she thinks we care about the mother of the first 2 girls more than her? Which is far from the truth. I actually have many feelings of resentment and anger towards the first girl, for many valid reasons.
My DIL thinks we have the 2 girls way too much, and she is right, I agree, we do have them far too much. But what do we do about it now, give them the flick to keep DIL happy? By the way, son and DIL do not have access to these 2 kids. They see them here and there at our home when they just happen to call in, there is never any plan to see them. My oldest granddaughter is a pure delight, kind, thoughtful, caring, funny, bright. Just such a special sole. It breaks my heart to see her delight in seeing her Dad and he ignores her. She talks and talks and talks to them and gets little or no response. It makes me angry and sad.
So, the latest upset happened because my oldest granddaughter told DIL "me and mum drove past your house to have a look" and "you went for a holiday". My DIL pounced on me the next day saying "I'm pissed off that you have told them where we live and they even know we went away". "I wish you didn't tell them anything about our lives" "I don't want their mother knowing anything about us at all".
Well, I was shocked and therefore speechless. I felt like telling her to grow up. But ended up apologising to her and telling her "I did not go out of my way to tell the kids anything, sometimes kids hear things that are said".
When I got home, I cried and cried as this is the 2nd time she has attacked me like this and I mean attacked, with raised voice and all. I would never treat her like this.
She changed her tune when her mother walked out to greet us, turned to sugar and spice.

How do we deal with this situation, I will not give up on the first two. How do I deal with DIL's insecure feelings. She admitted she felt insecure. She is a hard girl to talk to, never starts a conversation, just sits and sulks a lot. I'm fed up with treading on eggshells around her.

By the way, how's this. 4 nights ago when we visited them, they asked how much we were seeing kids. We told them still every 2nd weekend. They then continued to complain that they have had the child support raised because the mother is claiming that she has 100% access. Which in their eyes was wrong because we have them. They believe the money should be lowered to reflect the time that we have the children. They then asked to borrow $6,000.00 to be given back to us when car #4 is sold. They can then buy $17,000.00 car #5.
So I give them $2,000.00 that day and drive 50kms to their home next day to give them the rest (had to wait for bank as could not withdraw all from ATM in the one day)
They buy car and then drive the 50 kms to our town, (where DIL parents also live) take car to show DIL parents, and tell me off as I came up the driveway.

Sad and hurting

You and your husband are wonderful people and deserve a medal for being the only positive influence in your 2 granddaughter's lives.

I an appalled at the behavior of your son and daughter in law. They need a whole lot of growing up to do. They, too, should be praising you for your good character.

Don't let them emotionally blackmail you about the second three grandchildren, and get all that cash out of you. Your money is for your future, lady.

Tell them to invite you and your husband for dinner a couple of times a month so you can visit together. Give them a big smile.

I am so sorry to hear that you are caught in the middle. However, on one hand you have a grown woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and her kids, but on the other hand you have two children who are not. Whether she likes it or not, these two girls are your grandchildren... her husband's two children, and since her husband can't be bothered to see to their needs, and their mother apparently is incapable, you and your husband are seeing that at least that family connection and support remain.

She should be upset and dismayed at her husband's lack of involvement with his children... even if they are from another woman. How heartbreaking that they have the means and ability to do right by these girls but allow their feelings to stop them.
Maybe try to have all of the girls together once in awhile, let them get to know each other, they may become good friends and after all, they are half-sisters.

Try to assure your DIL that spending time with the girls in no way means you care about her and her children less. Point out how wonderful it is that her girls have the benefits and love of a large extended family, she and her husband and their girls could help provide the same for the first two.

Just what does your son say to all of this? What is his excuse for lack of involvement? I'd invite them both over and have a little chat. Share that your feelings have been hurt, that you feel you enjoy your grandaughters and feel it is important to continue that bond, that you are saddened that he does not take more of an interest, that you love them all dearly and would like to see everyone be accepting and understanding of the fact that these are two little girls who did not ask to be put in this situation, and that all of the grown-ups need to look passed their insecurities (acknowledge that that is not always easy to do), work together, and put ALL of the children first.

You and your husband enjoy having the girls over, and providing them with the joy and security of loving grandparents... kudos to you both!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kirrikirri

Hi, Sorry, I've wriiten such a long post, I hope you will plough through it. :)
we are in an uncomfortable situation with our daughter-in-law. our son had a relationship with a young girl when he was 18, and they had 2 girls. they seperated when the youngest was a few weeks off of turning one. He since formed a relationship with our DIL and they now have 3 girls. my husband and I have had regular contact with the first two girls. every weekend for 4 years plus days in between. now it is every 2nd weekend for a year. They lived with us for 10 months before my son and former partner seperated. it has been very very hard for us at times but we looked after these children because they needed it. it's a long story of neglect, in many forms. and my son has played his part in their neglect as he basically gave them the flick to focus on the new girlfriend.....and every thing you worry about happening to kids did happen to these two. it has been constant stress and worry. and certainly a situation we didn't choose. we've sacrafised a social life, our time and money, in a time of our lives when we would have much rather have just focussed on enjoying each others company and make the most of our life together but through it all we have a good strong bond/relationship with these two. they are very comfortable here and we love them dearly. we have not had the constant contact with the next 3. they haven't needed us to be there like the first two. They have a large extended family that love them dearly and I am grateful for that and believe my daughter-in-law does a fantastic job caring for them in all ways. and truthfully we feel burnt out and don't want our lives filled up with more kids. the first two would have been okay if their mother was able to care for them but she did not. the first 2 have basically nothing, the other 3 have everything little kids need and more. my daughter-in-law has told me off twice now because she thinks we care about the mother of the first 2 girls more than her? which is far from the truth. I actually have many feelings of resentment and anger towards the first girl, for many valid reasons.
My DIL thinks we have the 2 girls way too much, and she is right, I agree, we do have them far too much. But what do we do about it now, give them the flick to keep DIL happy? By the way, son and DIL do not have access to these 2 kids. They see them here and there at our home when they just happen to call in, there is never any plan to see them. My oldest granddaughter is a pure delight, kind, thoughtful, caring, funny, bright. Just such a special sole. It breaks my heart to see her delight in seeing her Dad and he ignores her. She talks and talks and talks to them and gets little or no response. It makes me angry and sad.
So, the latest upset happened because my oldest granddaughter told DIL "me and mum drove past your house to have a look" and "you went for a holiday". My DIL pounced on me the next day saying "I'm pissed off that you have told them where we live and they even know we went away". "I wish you didn't tell them anything about our lives" "I don't want their mother knowing anything about us at all".
Well, I was shocked and therefore speechless. I felt like telling her to grow up. But ended up apologising to her and telling her "I did not go out of my way to tell the kids anything, sometimes kids hear things that are said".
When I got home, I cried and cried as this is the 2nd time she has attacked me like this and I mean attacked, with raised voice and all. I would never treat her like this.
She changed her tune when her mother walked out to greet us, turned to sugar and spice.

How do we deal with this situation, I will not give up on the first two. How do I deal with DIL's insecure feelings. She admitted she felt insecure. She is a hard girl to talk to, never starts a conversation, just sits and sulks a lot. I'm fed up with treading on eggshells around her.

By the way, how's this. 4 nights ago when we visited them, they asked how much we were seeing kids. We told them still every 2nd weekend. They then continued to complain that they have had the child support raised because the mother is claiming that she has 100% access. Which in their eyes was wrong because we have them. They believe the money should be lowered to reflect the time that we have the children. They then asked to borrow $6,000.00 to be given back to us when car #4 is sold. They can then buy $17,000.00 car #5.
So I give them $2,000.00 that day and drive 50kms to their home next day to give them the rest (had to wait for bank as could not withdraw all from ATM in the one day)
They buy car and then drive the 50 kms to our town, (where DIL parents also live) take car to show DIL parents, and tell me off as I came up the driveway.

sad and hurting

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I think sometimes we have to look at a situation and ask, "what part of this am I creating?" I say this with respect because I am facing a very similar situation with my son and DIL, at least regarding the money. I am weak and I give them money when I know I need to say NO. The only time grown children should come to you for money is when there is a crisis of some sort that they cannot overcome on their own. Buying a car does not qualify. When I stand on my own truth and say NO, my children will have to begin to grow up. I read recently that grown children who accept money from their parents will, statistically, make less money over their lifetimes than children who are expected to fend for themselves. It makes sense, doesn't it?

Don't let anyone guilt you into neglecting your grandchildren. You are doing absolutely the right thing. Maybe it is time to talk to your son and tell him that you are taking care of his children because he is FAILING to. The wife just needs to grow up.

Both your DIL and son are being ungrateful brats for asking for money and then treating you like crap. You must stop giving them money. If they are grown adults, the must be pushed out of the nest and forced to find their own way. This is only natural. Unless it's a life or death situation, you don't owe them anything in terms of support. You are enabling bratty behavior.

I think you spend the extra time with your grand kids because your son doesn't so your trying to make up for his time.

Your son should ashamed of hisself for not taking an interest in his kids life by being a dad. So what if he has a problem with paying child support that is the least he could do. Regardless of his views about the mother that shouldn't stop him from having a relationship with his kids and maybe he shouldn't have all those kids. I find it sad that while adults move on with their life to another relationship and have more kids they forget about the others but it's his lost.

Now your daughter in law have a lot of nerves. She has no respect for you by yelling at you because you take up time with other grand kids. It's none of her business about when they're there or for how long she needs to grow up because if you was a real woman she would be getting on your son about not being in their life. She doesn't care because it isn't her kids and she wants to pretend as if they don't exsist. Screw her! How childish she is, don't take her outbursts. She better be glad I wasn't any kin to you because I would give her a piece of my mind.

Stop giving them money and stop feeling guilty because your doing nothing wrong and you have no idea on how much of a good impact your providing for the kids. Screw your son and his wife. Your doing nothing wrong.

Just to add, your daughter-in-law isn't insecure. She is a jealous, childish, trying to control your life, selfish, problem making person that likes drama. She doesn't want you to take up time with the other grand kids but only wants you to take up time with hers because in her mind they don't exsist but by you taking up time with them only proves that they do exsist.