I am in a really weird spot right now. I seem to have developed some fellings for my doctor and it is annoying me very much. I have been married for 5 years and I love my husband he is a great man and we have a great relationship. But these feelings for my doctor have surfaced on and off over the past year and I just want it to stop. I am not attracted to him physically, he is about 13 years older than me and he is kind of a dork. I know some women fall for their doctors because they look at them as a person who gives them attention and tries to soothe them or they see them as powerful. This is really not the case with this guy. I have also been rather sick over the past year and I have a team of doctors who I see on a regular basis and they are all in the same age group. So for the life of me I can not figure out why in the world I have these feelings for this particular doc. One thought I had is that I think he may actual have feelings for me and when I see him I pick up on that. He kind of gets flustered around me and I get the feeling he is trying to be "cool". I also notice that each time I go there he talks to me more and more about non medical stuff... like he just wants to chat. I am a bit of a sucker for people like that because I feel sorry for them in some maternal way. I have had this happen a few other times in the past where I developed feelings for men that I really had no interest in. I would find myself thinking about them and I guess getting off on the idea of being their "fantasy". I only gave into this instinct once when I was way younger and single... and it was biggest mistake since the guy basically wound up stalking me (in a non evil way) for 6 months. I guess the idea of holding that power excites me some (so twisted). Now I am not a super hot chick or anything but people (men and women) have always told me that I am sexy and strong in nature so I sometimes wonder if my actions come across as flirting which I swear I don't do with this guy (he is a gastro and I have to tell him all about my bowel movements for petes sake... so sexy). The thing that is different with this is that I am actually a bit emotional over the situation which bothers me. I know nothing is going to happen because 1. I would never cheat on my husband and 2. this is a doctor we are talking about and he could lose his license if anything did happen (not worth it). I just wonder why I have these feelings and how I can get them to stop... In some ways I feel it is impacting my relationship with my husband... I feel preoccupied. I just want this man out of my head... oh and I can't just change doctors because I have an HMO and I have already switched docs because my old one sucked big time. Help please.

Phew! I like your level headedness. I think I have been in situations like this. Maybe this will sound really unhelpful, but I would recommend cutting short the conversations with him and just exerting control over yourself when you start to think about him. If you've been sick a lot, it's hard not to think about that and from there you are on to him. I get that. But if you could find something else compelling that interests you that you could switch over to whenever HE impinges on your brain, I think that might help.

Maybe even just answering questions on this site? You need other interests. Or at least that's my diagnosis. :)

Is your health getting better? I hope so!

Iwould say, change doctors, get out of any thing that is causing you problems.

Great advice... I do think I need to find other things to occupy my time. My job is really demanding and stressful so when I come home at the end of the day I just want to unwind. Most of my thoughts happen when I am driving so there is certainly a connection to my down time and thoughts about this man. Actually even writing about it helps me. I discovered this when I found myself pining for an old love with whom things ended abruptly... it aggrivated me that I would think about him very often from time to time... so I found his email address and told him what I never had a chance to tell him and that was that I loved him and he will always be part of my heart and that I don't ever want to be with him but I wanted him to know that I did love him. After that I was at ease and the thoughts I had of him were relieved and no longer burdening me. I contemplated doing this with the doc but I would have to be able to find a new one because I would not be able to handle the humilation of it. I think in some ways when I lay things out on the table they become more real and I can digest them for what they really are. In the first example what was really bothering me is that I never got to tell him that I loved him and once I did I had my closure. I don't love the doc but if this keeps up I am going to have to remove myself from the situation because I can't continue to have this hanging over my head. As for cutting conversations short I tried that the last two times... after we finsihed business I would grab up my purse and stuff and get ready to stand up and walk away and he would keep trying to enage me. I suppose I could just use the old "oh hey look at the time" trick :).

Hello Sally:

I've got the PERFECT solution for you (him too). Next time he's performing a gynecological exam, you can BOTH pretend you're NOT enjoying it.

He keeps his license. You keep your marriage.

excon

In your first post, it sounded like finding another doctor would be difficult or impossible, so I was assuming you will have to see him from time to time. If you can actually stop seeing him, that would be best. But I think otherwise, yeah, say you have another appointment. :) I would NOT recommend telling him how you feel. I developed a slight crush on my dentist years ago. It passed. He's still my dentist. In fact, I think it was mutual, because he actually invited me to do something with him and then uninvited me when I stupidly accepted. I was relieved and not offended. I don't think this is unusual, but it's important not to act on it. You are not available.

Meanwhile, find something engaging to listen to in the car--taped stories, a good talk show, anything to get your mind off doctors and old relationships. Think about getting some relief from the stress as well. I would recommend meditation, but you might just think about the doctor when you are supposed to be going Ommm.

Also, what about planning more positive time with your husband? Can you change your life around a tiny bit, so you guys can have some fun together and put a little spark in your marriage. BetrayalBtCamp (here) suggested a book on the Five Kinds of Love that talks about different ways of expressing and receiving love, by someone named Chapman. Verbal affirmation, quality time, touch (hugs etc), gifts, and one other. You may respond best to one kind, him to another, but both be needing more than you are getting. Maybe something like that would help your revitalize your marriage and refocus your attention. I am guessing your husband must be at least dimly aware of your wandering attention and that can't feel very good. As a friend of mine likes to say, "People read minds."

Take care.

Thanks Asking. I can't get a new doctor right now because of my HMO but next year I will have a new insurance plan that will allow me to go anywhere without a referral. In the meantime I will just have to work on getting this guy out of my head and ignore any feelings that surface. My husband rocks and yes we should put some more focus on our relationship as it seems to have dulled (sexually) a bit over the past few years. Thanks again for your advice.

Its natural to be attracted to other humans, but you don't have to act on those feelings, but I am curious as to how often you see this doctor, as a couple of times a year seems a crush you can get over.

I know good and well you don't see him everyday, so help me understand this more.

Hi there. I actually see him him 1-2 times a month and usually talk with him roughly every other week since I am being monitored closely. Medications are adjusted on a regular basis depending on test results etc. I am not deathly ill but my condition is on that that is on the brink of getting worse so my doctors are trying to keep things at bay. I suspect that once I maintain an uptick in health I will be able to cut back on visits and test... and money being spent on all the copays :)

Sometimes we mistake a person being nice, or friendly as wanting more, since we do like them in a way, but as long as it stays in the fantasy world it belongs in, and no boundaries are crossed, what's the harm?

If you can't control, or handle yourself appropriately, then remove yourself from the situation. Otherwise, enjoy the diversion.

And don't go blabbing it through out your world either, or an innocent fantasy, can become a hurtful embarrassment.

Thanks talaniman. I can handle myself appropriately and would not do anything to jeoprodize my marriage hence my frustration about not being able to get this man out of my head. Driving me nuts. I think the biggest problem I have is that I need to get away from the medical world which is not really easy right now... I also have to go the medical center where he works 3 times a week for PT. So there is always that thought of running into him. In which case I would just be my normal non inviting self... but still.

Yeah, I had a nurse like that once, hey, the good news is most crushes fade with time, and distraction.

SallyYoop,
I have a very similar situation. He is our pediatrician. I thought he is extremely friendly. We know him for 6 years now. Half of our visit time is besides the medical stuff. He updates me sometimes of his family excursions, his fatherly experiences with his kids, I think sometimes unconsciously about his own medical probs, his stocks etc etc. Part of think this guy seem stressed out. However, there were two occasions where he has given me a peck/kiss on cheek I guess as a greeting, asks me if I've received my valentine flowers as of yet etc. I tried not to think of it as beyond rather just probably that he is tired of servicing patients and for once someone can be a buddy. I don't know maybe it's me, yet my husband thinks my doc has a crush on me. For now.. it's whatever! Contact me.. I want to know your experiences?? [email protected]

I am in the same boat. That is how I came across your post. It is sooooo frustrating! I am married too and have been seeing my doc for my knee. We definitely have chemistry but I would never do anything to ruin my marriage. I need to stop thinking about this because I too am pre-occupied! I can relate to the wanting him to want you. Worst part. What is wrong with us?? Glad I am not alone.

So I wanted to post an update to his thread to let everyone know that I finally removed myself from this situation. Since I could not let it go I decided it would be best to part ways with the good Dr. in question. It was a tough choice because I really did value and respect his opinion and care but could not allow this craziness to continue. I started seeing a new Gastro for my diverticulosis who I am not too thrilled with so if anyone knows of a good Gastro in Lexington, North Carolina area please let me know.