depressed? Bipolar? Should i see a professional about this?
well. I think I might be depressed. I don't know. I have felt like this for quite a while now. I've been feeling very "alone" lately. I started feeling this way towards the end of April and into may. I feel almost disconnected from everyone else. I feel like my friends are slipping from me and that they are so far away (literally and figuratively). A lot of times I feel like I don't mean anything to anyone. I feel like I don't fit in with my family and that out of all the friends I have there are only one or two I can really open up to. I don't open myself up to others easily. I've just been so... blah. I can't describe it. I feel like doing nothing. I just want to feel good about myself and be happy.
I haven't felt really happy in such a long time. I feel like sometimes I just want to scream. I'm the kind of person that bottles their emotions and then explodes (I know its bad to do that but its true). To my family I seem cold and my mom has jokingly told me I resemble the tin man from the wizard of oz because I have no heart. My friends say that I am a really good person and that's not true and I am not a heatless person. That it's the opposite. Sometimes I just cry. I don't cry often but when I do its so random. Sometimes I wish I just had someone to tell me, "no youre not crazy. youre normal. everyone goes through this." but none of my female friends do. They're always so perky and happy. I don't know why. They get happy about the most frivolous things. I wish I could become happy so easily...
I also wonder if I might be bipolar. I've noticed that I have extreme highs and lows. For a few days I will be on coud nine and then the days afterwards I can be down in the dirt. Last year when my boyfriend (of one year) and I broke up I was so down. My friends were actually worried about me. I didn't eat as much. I didn't talk as much. I didn't smile. It took effort to smile and laugh. But then a couple of months later when we got back together I was euphoric. People noticed that I was happier. They could actually tell. Nothing like that has happened with anyone I know. No one.
so for example. Today I was talking to my friend and he said he talked to his mom and he thinks he might be depressed. I've never really thought about going to see anyone or telling my parents that I think I may be depressed sometime. It was such a shock when my best friend told me he was depressed. I actually cried. I felt so guilty. I felt like if I had been a better friend I could have stopped his from being unhappy. And then I started thinking about all my friends and how I feel like I don't matter and don't make them happy and I felt so insignificant and worthless. But right now I feel composed. Still rather blue and very blah and apathetic. I have a huge test tomorrow that I haven't even studied for yet. I'm a straight a student. But I feel so caught up and sluggish that I'm not doing anything.
I feel like I'm putting time into stupid things. Like watching pointless videos on YouTube and saving up money for things I probably won't buy anyway and I've stopped reading. I love to read. But everything is boring to me now. I don't paint. I don't sew. I'm just not in the mood. For two weeks ill be interested in something and then the interest will pass and I will be interested in something else. My hobbies are always changing. They never satisfy me for a long period.
I just don't know anymore... help. Please.