Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants a break, bad situation

Hi,
So recently my girlfriend has decided she wants to go on a break. A little background... I got into a huge problem this past year with my parents because I wanted to spend so much time with her, really messed up a lot. Came down to me break up with her or I had to move out and I chose to move out at the end of my school year. Me and my dad don't talk, talk to my mom and sis a little bit. So anyway they decided they were not going to pay for my college anymore... I moved out and got this apartment, wasn't really sure what I was going to do with my life, but at least I had her. Summer went great, and I get along really well with her parents so they decided to co-sign a loan for me to go to college! Hurray. Then stuff turned south. We hung out so much this summer I have no doubt she has grown tired of me, but this is what she wanted in the first place! Sucks right. So things were OK then we hung out with our separate friends one night and she tells me she kissed this guy on the cheek but no big deal they are just friends. I got mad, but I was over with it by the next morning. Then, later that day she's like I don't know I feel like I have other feelings for this guy but I still love you... so I was like peace and talked to one of my friends. He's like its your call what you want to do man, you sacraficed a lot for her. Then she calls me and tells me she's sorry and wants me back. So I came back and we talked a little and that was that. Then a week later she wants to take a break... I caught her calling the guy she kissed on the cheek and stuff... blady blah really sucks. She's like I want to date other people and so should you to see if we are right for each other, I still want to be friends and kiss and stuff. I don't think I can do that, so I told her. Waiting for her response in the morning... but I know she has feelings for this other guy and its really frustrating because when I left my family she was like I will always love you. Anyway, I've read a lot of topics similar to this so I told her I think it needs to be an actual break, I do think we should see other people, I can't be there for you like I have been. Am I wrong for cutting her off? It seems like most people say this is a nescessary thing to do. Anyway, the real problem is after a few months of the apartment I moved in with her at her families house to save money. Its only a week till college but I feel like I can't see her which is hard to do while I'm at her house. And my relationship with my family is so bad I don't really know what to do. I'm in a bind. I need advice, thanks,
Mat

Personally I would make a clean break with her, I think its for the best considering all that has happened and you will be in college soon.

I'm a bit more concerned about your relationship with your parents thought. Your family should always be the most important thing to you, and although this girl means a lot to you, keeping on fighting to keep things alive will ultimate lead you into bad places.

Go back home for a week before you leave, your family would love to see you back with them instead of it seeming like you've deserted them for some girl.

She doesn't know what she wants and she is keeping you there as a backup now. YOu need to make it clear it is me or nothing. Have a tlak with her to see where you guys stand and that you both understand what is going on. You might have different ideas now about what you want to have, she might want to have fun while you still want a serious realtion.
I would try to get through the conversation and all of that quick, so that if it is not what you wanted, you can start moving on afterwords.

You need to move out, and start doing things on your own. What woman wants a man that is constatly relying on other for everything. You should go NC. And figure out what you want. Do you want to be with someone who is constatly moving you to second place? If you do want her after you have taking time to analyze the situation and let it all sink in.

Make her miss you! Make her realize that you don't need her. Which you don't. And if you take this time apart maybe you to will realize that you don't need her either. You starting school soon, you will meet so many new people. Maybe someone that knows what they want and won't take the risk of losing something that is important for some stupid fling.

The decision is ultimatly yours. But you are letting her get away with this. And she will do it again, knowing that you'll just take her back. If she really wanted to be with you she wouldn't be taking you for granted, while she's out trying to find something better. Go NC. And focus on yourself, cause she clearly isn't.

You need to be more self reliant, it's like you depend on everyone else. Your family comes first, no matter what. Now you learned who will be there through everything. No girl would ever come between me and my family.

Move out, get on with your own life and patch things up with your family

You have neglected your biggest priority in life, your future, chasing a feeling that has worn off, as far as she is concerned, and this has led to some bad decisions, and a bad situation.

This always happens when you put someone on that kind of pedestal, and forget your own needs. The fact is, the decision to follow your heart, led to your dependence, on her and her family for all your needs, and you have nothing to fall back on.

The only way to restore balance to your life, is to make you the priority again, and rebuild your life by starting over without her. Accept your mistake and start again, even if it means admitting to your family, you were wrong.

Even through your parents might come with 'I told you so', and you should suck it up.. I too suggest you take steps to slowly integrate with your family again. Life is rough, and your parents are not totally oblivious of stress in family and relationships, but none-the-less, they love you and will (or should) consider that as a priority, no matter what choices you made that they don't agree with.

The extent of the 'fallout' with them is something you did not elaborate on, but you need to think of how much remorse to offer them and tell them that although you will make your mistakes in the future, you still love them. Take that step - reconcile with your family because it's the only one you have and you need each other. Take it from me, as a parent, I would feel empty without my children, no matter how much they 'mess up' in my eyes - my love is unconditional.. So, dare to reach out to them, I'm sure it will not be too bad and benefit you all.

Relationships will come and go until you find that special one, but family is not changeable and you will be better off sharing the warmth of that circle again. They will also eventually realize that you must make your own mistakes and take your own paths in life, just as thy did when they were young.

As for your relationship.. give her space and time to see if you are the one for her.. let her miss you, but don't put your life on hold just for her. The financial support you have with her father has nothing to do with her, and will have to be handled with him. And, in the future, don't get mad over a 'kiss' because unless you are married, there is always a chance that you too will feel the need to get compliments and confirmation from others just as she did. She might have been scared of falling into a 'routine' that she was not ready for yet and needed proof that she was still attractive. Ask her what she might think would be the best for her and if she needs time, give it.. If she wants you back, give her another chance (depending on how much she means to you). But consider your family and education first, then time with her only if you can spare it. I think that's what your parents were upset about - you spending TOO much time on her on forgetting yourself and your goals.

Just don't place any other person in the center of your universe.. set goals and work toward them, but calmly and try not to over-react.. Talk things out and tell her what upsets you. Communication is a key part of any relationship, not speculation.

Concentrate on your education and set future goals, then 'include' another in you world to share without letting them dominate your time.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Think of yourself first, and never let another dominate that..

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Thanks for all of the posts, it really helps just to talk about this. Also, I am seeing my mom today, should I tell her what has happened?

Quote:

Originally Posted by mat41

thanks for all of the posts, it really helps just to talk about this. also, i am seeing my mom today, should i tell her what has happened?

I think so.. Mom's 'have been there, done that' too so she will understand, honest. Give her a chance dear.

Good luck.

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