Originally Posted by KittyKat2008
I'm going to tell my whole story. It's long, but it would really mean a lot to me if you could read it and give me some advice.
I'm a 21 year old female, and have been with the same guy since I was 15 years old. I've never been with anyone else. We have a beautiful 15 month old daughter together, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I got pregnant in my first year of college, and decided not to go back after I had the baby because it was too far from my family. My boyfriend went back however, to finish his trade. Our daughter was born in June, and he went bck to school the beginning of September. He started cheating on me within 2 weeks of being gone... I never found out until I went to see him in October. I was so mad and upset, but I still wanted so badly to be with him. We ended up breaking up towards the endof October. He missed our baby girl's first Christmas and didn't even care. Anyway, after a lot of lies and drama and whatnot, we got back together in February (almost 5 months). He told me he wa so sorry and would never do it again. But I wanted him to make it up to me and the baby. I wanted my chance to be mad at him. He tells me it's my fault that he cheated, because I was such a to him last summer after I had the baby.
Sometime in March I believe (when he came home for Easter), we were arguing because I was after finding out another lie, and I think I hit him. We were in bed, and all of a sudden he reached over and started choking me. I don't really know how to explain what happened... I guess I blacked out.. I started hearing noise like people were talking (I know that probablysounds really strange.. it was just the first time I ever experienced anything like that)... then I guess I came to again and he was leaning over me looking down at me. He got really upset, and said "What did I do?" ... he went out into the living room and cried. Afterwards he apologized and said he felt really bad about it.
That wasn't the first time he'd physically abused me. He's punched me, slapped me, and kicked me before... but that ws the first time I ever really feared for my safety.. for my life. He moved back home the end of April.
That wasn't the last time it happened... he did it more times after that.. and the past few months have been very stressful and difficult. He's bruised me all over my legs and sides and arms... he busted open my lip on the right side. He tells me it's because I'm a and expect him to make up for things instead of letting them go. I've made excuses about the bruises... I want to be with this man. One of my friends knows that he's hit me before.. but I've never told anyone the full extent of things.
He moved out in early July and went to live with his parents. Did some nasty and uncalled for things... but in the end we decided to try and work it out again, and he moved back in the end of August.
The past couple of weeks have been really aweful. I found out I was pregnant in early August... but because of all the stress I've been going through, only me and him know... I don't want to end up having a miscarriage and everyone know about it... and I'm so afraid that it's going to happen.
Since he's moved back in, he's choked me more times than I can count... has lifted me up by my neck, and thrown me to the floor... in front of our daughter :'( ... she gets so scared and she cries, and he doesn't care. It's like something inside of him just snaps. My legs are full of bruises again, and now I really fear for my life. When he gets mad now, he chokes me... and I can't get him off.. he hits me when the baby is in my arms. He hit me in the face and between the legs one night, and told me he wished he could punch me in the stomach. One evening he held his hand over my mouth so my breathing was very very limited, and when I started to panic he held it tighter... then he wrapped his arm around me and started choking me. The other day he choked me until I blacked out, waited until I came to and looked at him, and then did it again. All in front of my little girl. Today he choked me and let go just before I blacked out.. then tried to do it again, but I managed to get up and lock myself in the bathroom. He laughs about it, and tells me he doesn't feel bad for any of it. He says that he does it to get me to shut up, and that he will do it again. The reason he choked me the second time today was because he was saying something about garbage day, and putting me in the garbage... and I kind of laughed and told him to not make empty threats. He talks about loving the look in my face when he's choking me. And the blank scared look when I come to and he starts choking me again.
As I'm writing all this I know that I shouldn't stay. I don't want to die, and I don't want my baby girl to witness these things. But I won't leave. And I know that it's pathetic and stupid, and that I'm endangering my daughter, and I'm so scared... because I really think he's going to kill me... but I love him so much. I know him to be such an amazing person... he's always been so kind and tolerant and loving. I don't want to give up on him. He's a wonderful father, and I don't want my daughter to lose him. But this side him is so dark... I don't know what to do. I want to stay... but I don't want to go through this abuse anymore. I want to have the life with him that we planned... with our little girl being happy, and this new baby being healthy.
Can anyone give me advice on how to get the violence to stop, and still be with him? I'm so lost and scared. I don't love this person that he is right now... but I still want so bad to believe that who he used to be is still there somewhere... I'm still so in love with that person. So please, I'd appreciate any advice. I don't need anyone calling me names, or leaving mean comments about me as a person. Understand that I am a good mom, that wants the absolute best for my daughter (whom he has NEVER touched), but I've spent 6 years with this man, and I know him to be so much better than this.
