I have been married to my husband for over a year, and we are expecting our first child together in December. My husband has a 12 year old from a previous marriage, who lives with us, as we have primary physical custody. His biological mother doesn't and never has paid a cent of child support. She is a pathological and habitual liar, and in my opinion (and many others), bad for the wellbeing of our 12 year old son. The ex is recently divorced from her 5th husband, but never lives by herself. She currently lives with a boyfriend. She also comes in and out of our son's life. Court order says she can have visitation every other weekend and a total of 2 weeks during the summer. She left late last fall from the area to move across the country for about 6 or 7 months, and then moved back - not in the area, but about 2 hours away. She does not call very often (and does not keep up with her visitation). Our son does not want to visit with her or even talk with her. Unfortuently, if he were to tell her this, she would think that we put him up to it. Every couple of years, she drags us to court to try and get custody - which she never does. But she has become a disruption in his life, and the court cases are pricey! She does not know that I am pregnant, but I imagine that when she finds out, she will once again take us to court saying that we are "emotionally neglecting" her son, blah blah... Our son also has ADHD and Asberger's syndrome, and if she ever got custody, it would detrimental to his life and wellbeing. Besides that, he would probably either run away, or be put in a foster home within a month. I am asking advice on the ex. The other part of my question is that my husband does not have a legal will. If something were to happen to him - I'm afraid that they will take my son away and give him to his biological mother. Like I said, this would be detrimental to him. I am diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD, but have a good repore with my doctor. I also have MANY more people to vouche for me, than she does for her. Besides killing her, does anyone have any ideas on any of this?

This is a tough one. You don't want to force him to go, but you are court ordered to do so. So what do you do?

You said she takes you back to court all the time. The next time - use it to your advantage. Try to modify the visitation. Let a judge know what is going on. How the boy does not want to go, etc. He is getting to an age where a judge will take into account what he has to say.
And I don't know if you could do this - but if this happens a lot, could you ask, in court, for her to pay your legal expenses?

And your husband needs to get a will. I don't know that leaving you custody of the child would actually work, but...
Sometimes a judge will consider giving custody to a nonparent. If it is what is best for the child.

You just never know what a judge will do.

The ex, how to handle her. Well, she sounds a lot like my ex sister in law. A real winner. My new sister-in-law is very diplomatic. My brother can not talk to this woman. She has pretty much lost interest in her son who is now 16 - but when he first came to live with my brother, it was not pretty.
You basically have to keep all conversation short and sweet. Stay to the facts, etc.

Does she miss her weekends and then expect to see the boy whenever she wants because she missed the weekend? She can't really do that, so you can hold her to the visitation schedule.

Good Luck.

As far as the legal expenses go - actually, she was supposed to pay us $110 last year at a custody battle for not filling out paperwork stating specifics on why she was taking us to court, and never did. She is not only a liar, but she is manipulative and street smart, as well. She has gotten out of paying child support for her other child (who lives with her mother) on and off for years by working under the table and changing addresses (which may be one reason she never lives by herself). I think that she SHOULD have to pay our legal fees and our lawyer fees, plus ALL of the guardian at litem fees. I know this is near impossible, but we've decided that we will try and get her for harassment next time she attempts to take us to court - which I'm not sure would work either. I would hope that if something did happen to my husband, he would stay with me, because frankly, I don't know who else would take care of him and raise him properly.

Is there a court order for child support? She may not work, etc. But is there an amount she SHOULD be paying?
Is it through the child support agency? If so, I would give them a call and let them know she is behind. Most states will suspend a drivers license and/or arrest her for nonpayment. The process is slow, but she should be paying for support. No matter the excuse of why she can't.

Also, if you aren't already, start keeping a journal of her behavior. When she calls, when she sees him or when she schedules to see him and doesn't. If there is an argument or threat -etc.
Make sure you document everything. It will serve you well in court.

Yes, actually, we have been documenting every time something out of the ordinary happens with her - and believe me, there are quite a few pages! My husband, when he originally had got full custody - when his son was a small infant, decided it would be best not to get her for child support - not because he didn't need it - but because she would have less of a say in his life. I think the thing that frustrates me the most (and here's my selfish part coming out)... I have been more of a "mother" to him than she ever has in 12 years. I take him to his doctor's appointments. I make sure he does his homework every night and that he's keeping grades up. I go to parent-teacher conferences and band concerts. I feed him, clothe him, put a roof over top of his head, make sure he's got school supplies and medication, teach him right from wrong, etc. But I don't get called "mom" - she does. And the only thing she EVER did for him was pop him out. I don't want an award - I just want a little respect. I know I sound selfish - I'm not trying to be - but every time that woman calls and speaks to me like I'm an outsider or tells me that she didn't get him for mother's day, it pisses me off. She throws her child in the middle of her screwed up life and relationships - she doesn't give a damn about him unless she is trying to show off for a new boyfriend, and she makes her friends and boyfriends believe that we have tormented her and been terrible parents to her child.

What you are doing seems like a "thankless" job. You do so much for this child. But, don't think you aren't getting a thank you. You should not need one from her - because, let's face it, you won't get one from her. But you are getting one from him. He may not say the words, but he does appreciate you. He may not call you mom and I am sure that hurts, but he probably shows you more love. And that is what is important.

She is never going to give you respect. That would be too much for her. I would keep conversations to a minimum. Let her leave messages and if it seems like it is important, call her back. Or let your husband. You shouldn't have to deal with her.

My ex- SIL was/is very much like this. She doesn't do the things that would say "I am a good parent", but she will pretend that her kids "are her world". She lost custody of 2 of her kids because her house wasn't clean. They gave her 3 days to get the house clean and then she could have the kids back. That was over 4 years ago. The kids still live with their dad (not my brother) She gave up custody of my nephew because she couldn't handle him. He was just too much for her. He has ADHD and that can take a lot of time and patience, etc. She wasn't willing to put in the effort it takes. But she takes all the credit for how good he is doing now. It is frustrating.

Sometimes, you just have to get to a point to basically ignore her. Or get to one of those situations where you smile and nod, but really don't listen. (Does that make sense?) Most of the time, people like her, just blow smoke and want attention. Don't feed into it. Don't engage in her games. You don't need the stress. YOU are raising a family. She doesn't like that.
It is not your job or your husband's to make sure she sees him on mother's day. If she wants to see him, SHE needs to make the arrangements.
Let it slide off your back. Easier said than done... I know.

Very well said, NowWhat.

"Sometimes, you just have to get to a point to basically ignore her. Or get to one of those situations where you smile and nod, but really don't listen. (Does that make sense?) Most of the time, people like her, just blow smoke and want attention. Don't feed into it. Don't engage in her games. You don't need the stress. YOU are raising a family. She doesn't like that.
It is not your job or your husband's to make sure she sees him on mother's day. If she wants to see him, SHE needs to make the arrangements.
Let it slide off your back. Easier said than done...I know."

This SO pertains to my own issues.
I really hope that this helps her out.

Good luck in dealing with your husband's ex. Raising someone else's child can be a rather thankless situation but there are so many other rewards that come from it. My niece is very thankful but I think that it is the age she is. She's much younger than your son. However I'm sure that he does appreciate it maybe he's just not really sure how to show it since he's in that pre-teen stage. I wouldn't worry much about her being able to get custody of him back, doesn't sound like she is the type to really put forth the effort.

God bless you for being in his life and good luck.

First the issue of something happening to your husband. A will won't help. Case law is that a will establishing guardianship with a non biological parent when a biological parent is available will be overturned. So even if he specifies that you have guardianship in a will, she can contest it and win.

What you need to do is adopt him. This will not be easy unless she agrees to it. But, I think, if you detail her history of instability, her harassment, her violation of court orders and, most important, a psychologist's evaluation of your son indicating that it would be harmful to separate him from you, then I think you have a chance. Do NOT just file to terminate her rights, you will lose. But if you file for adoption and make a TPR part of the process, I think you have a chance of winning. If you do, that will end her visitation, he attempts to gain custody, etc.

So go look for an attorney now!