Hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice about my marriage. I apologise in advance for the long-winded version.

My husband and I married 2 years ago after a 3-year relationship. We are from diffent countries and cultures. I became pregnant shortly afterwards and we were both happy and he treated me like a queen all through the pregnancy. I had an emergency c-section and needed a bit of help after the birth, he began to get distant and a bit resentful I think. He had no experience of babies what so ever. He was an only child and had never even held a baby before. He played a bit too roughly with our newborn and I would nag him about this, the more I corrected him the more he seemed to ignore me and play rougher.

When our baby was under a month old the following incident happened.

He wanted to play with the baby, she was crying and wanted to be fed. I explained that it was her feed time, she was hungry. I and took her from him to breast feed her. He pulled her back to him roughly by the leg. The he began to shake her like a rag doll and he looked toward the window contemplating throwing her towards it. I screamed loudly and this seemed to awaken him. I grabbed her from him and ran to bedroom. I was terrified her would follow and kill her. She did not cry but was shaking from the shock, I was shaking also. I breast fed her to comfort her and rang my mother to come asap.

My mother arrived soon afterwards and I gave the baby to her telling her to take her home. He calmly put the carrycot on the pram and packed her nappy bag as if nothing happened.

I stayed a while, he did not say sorry. I packed a few things and left him. 2 weeks later he went back to the UK. He went on a retreat to “clear his head” and reflect on what he had done. He said he was sorry but only after a few weeks. He e-mailed me and rang every day. He wanted me to move to the UK as planned with our daughter.

5 months later I finally went to the UK with my daughter. And yes I was so scared but I felt like I had to give him a second chance to make it up to us. He was wonderful to our daughter her and adored her. Seven months on after moving there I never left him alone with her even once. I’m still a bit scared I suppose. Although they have bonded.

My daughter and I are back home for a family visit. However before I came home he I annoyed him and broke the babies pushchair and after another nagging from me he trashed my suitcase all within 2 days. He did these acts with a sense of calmness. While he was smashing the pushchair I asked him “ what are you doing”. He said calmly “am breaking this”

Now I'm home I’m a bit scared to go back. He has decided to buy us a new home and is currently looking and updating me everyday. I don’t know what to do. Also I can no longer bear to have sex with him. I make excuses or just grin and bear it pretending it’s enjoyable. I do love him but something died inside when he attacked our baby and I can't seem to forgive him. I want to protect my daughter more than anything.
Help me please I don’t know what to do for the best.

As you explain it, he didn't really learn anything from his 'retreat' because although the anger wasn't directed at you or the baby again, it was still there manifesting in trashing objects.

I think are wise to stay away. He doesn't sound trustworthy and it sounds like he needs professional help.

Stay far far away from this man. Life will only get worse if you go back. He need to realize that he has an anger management problem. You don't want him to realize that at yours or your daughter's funeral do you?

He is an explosion waiting to happen.

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Originally Posted by tickle

I think are wise to stay away. He doesnt sound trustworthy and it sounds like he needs professional help.

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Thank you for your response. I think you are right about the professional help.

Wow! He's able to hurt his fully own newborn daughter?? I wonder what else he can do to strong grown ups.

Run sweetheart run! Get him a psychiatric help and ask courts help. Your husband is a dangerous man. Don't wait until its too late.

The problem with going back to someone who displays violent behaviour is that it gives him the message that regardless of his behaviour, you will not leave. And giving him such a message will result in his behaviour getting worse and worse as the years pass. I have never been in this type of relationship before but I watched someone dear to me put up with it for years and years. And the more is invested in the relationship, the harder it will be for you to leave him, the harder it is for you to leave him (he will know that) the worse his behaviour will become. If you fear for your safety or the safety of your daughter, you shouldn't go back to him.

My husbands infant 3rd cousin was murdered this spring by her father. She was only a few months old... when he killled her she had only been in his care for less than a hour.

Don't let this happen to your daughter! Stay out and stay away from him. Anytime somoneone gets violent toward you or one of your children seek help... the first time!

After the first "shaking" the baby, I don't believe anyone should have ever returned to start with. You run, don't go back and stop talking to him, protect your child and yourself

Do you realize how which damage shaking a baby can cause, permanent damage? I'm sorry you have to face this, but your baby needs to be protected from the father & you have to be the one to do that. Luckily you were there when the baby was shaken that time, but if you're not the next, the result could be horrifically devastating & irreversible or even death. It doesn't take that much to cause serious injury or kill a small baby, only a few minutes of a rage.

You need to protect your child to the best of your ability & that means making sure the father gets the help he needs immediately to deal with his anger or whatever issues are causing his abusive behavior before being allowed to be alone with the baby at all.

Check out Stosny's site for good info on anger management & family violence:

Anger Management, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse in marriage

Shaken baby syndrome info:

shaken baby syndrome - Google Search

Terms: shaken baby syndrome

The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome

What is shaken baby syndrome?Shaken baby syndrome is a term used to describe the constellation of signs & symptoms resulting from violent shaking or shaking & impacting of the head of an infant or small child. The degree of brain damage depends on the amount & duration of the shaking & the forces involved in impact of the head. Signs & symptoms range on a spectrum of neurological alterations from minor (irritability, lethargy, tremors, vomiting) to major (seizures, coma, stupor, death). Fractures of the long bones and/or of the ribs may also be seen in some cases. In many cases, however, there is no external evidence of trauma either to the head or the body. (Definition provided by Robert Reece, M.D. Dr. Reece is a clinical professor of Pediatrics at the Tufts University School of Medicine.)

Approximately 20% of cases are fatal in the first few days after injury & the majority of the survivors are left with handicaps ranging from mild - learning disorders, behavioral changes - to moderate & severe, such as profound mental & developmental retardation, paralysis, blindness, inability to eat or exist in a permanent vegetative state.

[QUOTE=BetrayalBtCamp]Do you realize how which damage shaking a baby can cause, permanent damage? I'm sorry you have to face this, but your baby needs to be protected from the father & you have to be the one to do that. It doesn't take that much to cause serious injury or kill a small baby, only a few minutes of a rage.

You need to protect your child to the best of your ability & that means making sure the father gets the help he needs immediately to deal with his anger or whatever issues are causing his abusive behavior before being allowed to be alone with the baby at all.

QUOTE]
Firstly thank you and everyone else for answering and all the information. It is appreciated very much.

I do indeed know how much damage shaking a baby can do, I researched the topic and was horrified at what could have happened, I am so lucky that the worst did not occur. Luckily she seems fine and health so far.

He did read a book on anger management and worked through all the exercises after that horrid event. He constantly updated me on his progress and discovered that his anger is in the same category as those that commit college campus massacres. Scary I know. I gave him another chance thinking that there are probably allot of people in these categories that don't actually harm others.

When I followd him to the UK I was allot stronger than before (post C-section) and I felt more able to defend myself or my daughter if (god forbid the occasion happened to arise) However at the back of my mind was the constant thought that if he ever did anything like that again I could never ever forgive myself for being so stupid. I know in my heart its not worth the risk of something bad happening to the most precious thing in my life my little girl.

However these are just a few events of thousands of good ones. He is a gem in many ways and that's why I fell in love with him. However that is somewhat tarnished now with the memories and fear in the back of my mind.

I myself am not physically afraid of him, I have nothing to fear from him and could easily stand up for myself but I do fear that he is capable of hurting my daughter.

He has assured me time and again that nothing like that will ever happen again but he told me honestly that he gets a rush from breaking objects. He said he used to break things quite allot. Namely his PC and other gadgets that he paid allot of money for. He said he will probably always do this as it is his way of release.

And so here is the thoughts I must address:

Yes I fear it could happen again and I would be to blame for putting my daughter in danger's way.

But what if that was a once off HUGE mistake on his part?? Can I live with a man is constantly breaking objects instead?? What effect will that have on my daughter?

Finally do I disregard all the good things he has done, which are many?? I barely have to lift a finger except clean, he does everything for us and takes us away to beautiful places 2 or 3 times a week! I never have to cook, he stops at restaurants everyday and picks up dinner, I mean he has given us a good life.

The answer is in black and white in front of me but I know I will miss him for the rest of my life. He gave me the most joy and he loved me for me. He never tried to change me and wanted me to independent. Its such a pity about his anger management issues. We were so happy for a while.


Thanks for helping me come to this conclusion guys!

Wow, I don't mean to sound rude or inconsiderate, but you are totally in denial, and I don't mean the river.

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I myself am not physically afraid of him, I have nothing to fear from him

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You should be totally afraid of him. He almost killed your child, there is no telling what he would do in an outrage.

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he has assured me time and again that nothing like that will ever happen again

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This is always the first sentence out of the mouth of an abuser when he is in the "feeling sorry" stage of abuse.

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Can I live with a man is constantly breaking objects instead?? What effect will that have on my daughter?

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It will teach your daughter that this is the way to live, that this lifestyle is okay and she will grow up being in an abusive relationship because this is all she knows. She hasn't been taught to hug and love, but rather to be screamed at, and in fear that she will get hurt.

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he does everything for us and takes us away to beautiful places 2 or 3 times a week! I never have to cook, he stops at restaurants everyday and picks up dinner, I mean he has given us a good life.

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Read the above paragraph again and then compare it to this one...

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The he began to shake her like a rag doll and he looked toward the window contemplating throwing her towards it... before I came home he I annoyed him and broke the babies pushchair and after another nagging from me he trashed my suitcase all within 2 days.

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All I can say is that you are in an abusive relationship and you are continuing the cycle by staying in this relationship. You are teaching your daughter that behavior like this from a man is not only okay, but normal and natural. I can assure you it is not.

In the US, children get taken from their parents every day because of situations like yours. Young mothers end up dying every day because of situations like yours.

Yes, the answer is black and white... continue the abuse or get a better life for your daughter. The choice should be easy if you love yourself and your daughter.

I couldn't agree more with J_9. Abusers switches personality 360 degrees overnight. Just better leave or else you are digging your own grave.

The sort of issues he has can not be handled only by reading a book. That would be helpful in conjunction with professional help, not by itself.

And it must not have worked well for him since he's still breaking things which he admits has been a problem for a long time for him. The only difference is that he's downgraded to cheaper items for now. If he was properly appalled at almost killing his daughter, he would have been the first one at the therapist's office the second it opened after that happened.

There is no way to guarantee that his "harmless" breaking of objects won't cause physical harm to those under the same roof such if a piece of it went flying at them into an eye for example. Again, it doesn't take much to cause a serious injury to a small child. He needs to dig deep to the cause of his inappropriate acting out his anger & find truly harmless ways of dealing with his frustrations.

He may be highly motivated right now to seek that sort of help & actually take advantage of it, I hope he does. That would be great for all of you because even if you divorce him, he's the father & will have visitation which won't stay supervised forever even if it was for now. You can be supportive in his efforts to get the help he needs now, which would make it more likely to be successful perhaps.

But stick to your guns & make sure that he's getting the proper help he needs ASAP, please, hard as that is for you. Make sure he signs a confidentiality waiver so you can verify he's actually attending & what progress is being made. It's the best way to make sure your sweet daughter gets a chance at the type of dad she really needs & be safe with him.

Not only is he showing abusive behaviour signs, he is also showing signs of trying to separate you from everyone. Moving you far away, bringing home the food all the time. Taking you both to all those places WITH HIM. Do you do anything on your own and meet with and interact with people whom he has no contact with? I think you need to look from the outside in with clarity instead of from the inside out with the false logic he has created for you.

Good luck because I really am afraid for you!

He only breaks objects and babies? What can I say? He thinks the baby is an object he can break to satisfy his "needs"? He's a sick man.

Leave him. He sounds wealthy and now that you have gone out of your way to create a bond between him and your daughter, there's a risk that he will try to take her away from you as a way to punish you. His wealth and his being in another country could make it hard for you to keep him from taking her. I have met two women who lost their children is such circumstance. I don't want to be negative, but not only must you stop seeing him, but also prevent him from taking your daughter. I recommend finding a lawyer who knows about such issues. You owe it to your daughter. Nice dinners and vacations or not, he's a dangerous man.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Wow, I don't mean to sound rude or inconsiderate, but you are totally in denial, and i don't mean the river.




Yes, the answer is black and white.....continue the abuse or get a better life for your daughter. The choice should be easy if you love yourself and your daughter.

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Thanks for your answer. You are 100% right. I was just hashing out all the good and bad in my mind. Yes I was in denial I realize when I compaired those 2 paragraphs above. I am not going back and have refused to take his calls for the last 2 days. I am looking for a job and a home for me and my daughter. However I am a bit afraid he will come over here when he learns that Im not going back.

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Originally Posted by asking

He only breaks objects and babies? What can I say? He thinks the baby is an object he can break to satisfy his "needs"? He's a sick man.

Leave him. there's a risk that he will try to take her away from you as a way to punish you. His wealth and his being in another country could make it hard for you to keep him from taking her. I have met two women who lost their children is such circumstance. I don't want to be negative, but not only must you stop seeing him, but also prevent him from taking your daughter. I recommend finding a lawyer who knows about such issues. You owe it to your daughter. Nice dinners and vacations or not, he's a dangerous man.

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She was born in my home country so she is not a citizen of the UK. I hear what you are saying and yes it could be possible, I will get some advise on this straight away. Thank you for answering.

I am so happy to hear that you plan on leaving him. I want you to remember that this is a tough road, and you have friends here should you need us.

There will come a day, if it hasn't already, that he will promise this will never happen again. He will tell you that he is getting help. He most likely will tell you he is getting on medication to help with his anger issues.

I can promise you that these are empty promises. This is how the abuser draws their victims back in. They lure their victims with empty promises. When the victim goes back, things are good for a while, this is called the honeymoon stage. Then there is the stage where you feel like you are walking on eggshells and you are afraid that whatever you say or do might make him mad... this is called the escalation stage. Then he breaks, his violence, anger and rage comes out... AND THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN.

I work with abused women in my spare time and am very versed in the stages of abuse. This is a vicious cycle that is only broken when the victim leaves for good. If the victim keeps coming back, this just reinforces his behavior that he has you under his control.

You have to make a promise to not only yourself, but your very young daughter, that you will not allow this cycle to continue. As I said, this is a tough road you are about to go down, but it can be done, and you can do it.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Originally Posted by J_9

I am so happy to hear that you plan on leaving him. I want you to remember that this is a tough road, and you have friends here should you need us.

You have to make a promise to not only yourself, but your very young daughter, that you will not allow this cycle to continue. As I said, this is a tough road you are about to go down, but it can be done, and you can do it.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Thank you! Your answer means a lot! It indeed will be a tough road. But if I keep remembering it the best thing I can do for both myself and my daughter then I know I can get through it. I have not been able to pray since he attacked my daughter, I think its high time I went back to church and counted my blessings.

Eva, don't forget that when the times get tough, you can come here for support.