Ask Me Help Desk - How do I get my son back?

My 14 year old son went to live with his dad and stepmom in September of last year. Dad lives in Oregon My husband and I live in Washington state. When he left we were all getting along with each other perfectly. I haven't seen him since he left. He is very upset with me now, cause he found out some things that happened between his dad and I about 10 years ago. I don't know how much of it is true or not. He won't talk to me nor will he write to me. The last time we spoke he told me I could go see him, but only if I was alone. My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage 12, and 14. We have 2 year old together. I can't just leave my daughter to go see him. I feel he is pulling me between him and my family here. I stlll write to him to see how he is doing but no response on his behalf. ( I won't stop though) I also have 2 other children from a previous marriage. Ages 20, and 18. They don't live at home any longer, but we all get along with each other fine. Call each other every day. They have also tried to talk with him, but to no avail. Is there hope in us getting back what we had? I miss him terribly.

Please help.. :(

Hi, fourbyfour!

Greetings and WELCOME to the site! I just moved your question that you had posted in Introductions to this topic area so that it would get the most exposure to those who are best able to answer it. Introductions is for people to introduce themselves and we try to not ask questions there.

We would appreciate it if you would return to Introductions sometime to tell us a little about yourself though, if you would be willing to do that.

Thanks!

Always be there,
One day he will relize that that stuff means nothing between you and him, its just a matter of him growing up. There is hope, it just may take a while unfournately, and really the father had no business saying what he did. I think though that you should go see him even if its just for a short time, or maybe you could see if he would come see you? The most important thing is to remember to BE there for him no matter what.

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Originally Posted by fourbyfour

My 14 year old son went to live with his dad and stepmom in September of last year.

Lots of boys who haven't been around their dad growing up seem to need a "reality check" on who he actually is at about this age.

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He is very upset with me now, cause he found out some things that happened between his dad and I about 10 years ago. I don't know how much of it is true or not.

That would have been when he was about four years old--about the age when permanent memories start to form. Do you have reason to believe that your son is hearing a very different version of the "things that happened" from his dad than what you've told him? How old was he when you split up with his dad? How long after that did you marry your current husband?

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He won't talk to me nor will he write to me. The last time we spoke he told me I could go see him, but only if I was alone. My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage 12, and 14. We have 2 year old together. I can't just leave my daughter to go see him. I feel he is pulling me between him and my family here. I stlll write to him to see how he is doing but no response on his behalf. ( I won't stop though) I also have 2 other children from a previous marriage. Ages 20, and 18.

Let's see, he's spent his childhood years being the kid brother and the stepbrother to four girls, and you've spent the last two years preoccupied with a new baby girl, while he's being hurled headlong by his hormones into male puberty. Do you think he might be feeling a little bit resentful for having to share you with these other kids (all girls, no less) from all these other lives you've lived, both before and after the one he was born into? Nobody ever said the brave new world of multiple blended families was going to be peaceful and harmonious.

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Is there hope in us getting back what we had? I miss him terribly.
Please help.. :(

There is hope for something better than what you have right now, but probably not for getting back what you had. Be careful that you don't spend so much emotion on missing who he used to be that you disrespect the person he's becoming.

Don't worry, he'll come around eventually if you are steadfast in your love for him. Just don't try and chain him with it.

Relax a little Mom, and be patient, as he gets it together, in his own time, and his own way. Don't push for now, just back off a bit, and let him know he is loved, and missed.

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He is very upset with me now, cause he found out some things that happened between his dad and I about 10 years ago. I don't know how much of it is true or not.

Seems like you, and his dad have different stories, or at least points of view, so don't try to engage someone when they are at their most emotional, just don't push right now.