Hello all ,

Wanted a view point about my current situation.

I have an issue that raises its head constantly with my girlfriend of one year. I am 37 , she is 33 and we constantly argue over manners and sharing.

She pretty much on every occasion never says please or thank-you and I just find this plain rude. Coupled with that she never ever shares. If she opens a pack of mints or snacks , she never asks me would I like some. I would never dream of doing this and all my experience be it socially or in the workplace makes me believe her behavior is inappropriate. Whenever I raise it , it leads straight to conflict and her saying that I am immature for bringing it up.

Obviously I am confused, any views?

I am very easy going but this just bugs me

M

It sounds like it has a lot to do with upbringing. She just doesn't know that it is appropriate to say please and thank you and to share. Maybe put more emphasis on it whenever you say it to her. Or if you hand her something she asks for just say, 'you're welcome' even if she doesn't say thank you. If she opens a snack, ask if you could have some and say thank you. Hopefully she'll respond in the appropriate fashion. Maybe this will get her attention. But, judging from her reaction of you trying to bring it up, she might get mad again for you insinuating that she should have manners. But it doesn't hurt to try. She also might just assume that she does not have to say things like this since she is in a relationship. I'd say giving polite "suggestions" would be appropriate. Just say to her what you would like her to say to you. Hopefully she'll catch on.

I have to admit that this type of complaint generally comes from a female and is directed towards a man (I have a feeling I'm going to get hammered about this but hey…). I'd like to think that she isn't self-centered and that it's just a habit that she needs to get rid of but you know her best and are in a better position to judge that. If you think it's the latter, try approaching her in a way that won't make her immediately defensive. It's delicate to tell someone their behaviour is bad because it's a direct hit aimed at who they are as a person, you're telling her she has a flaw and not that there is anything wrong with pointing that out but you can understand how she wouldn't react well to being told that. Bring it up in as nicely a manner as you possibly can. Don't tell her "you always do X!" Tell her instead "when you do X, I feel Y and if you would do A instead I would feel B".

You have your negotiables and your non negotiables. Which list is poor maners, immaturity, and selfishness on? Its your list only you know. Write down a list 10 non- negotiables, in order of importance. Then when you are done focus on you first 3-5. If you love this woman enough, you can look past some of her manerisums. Or lack there of. If this is something that your not willing to look past. End it. Cause if it bothers you this much now, it will only errate you more later on. Good luck. Keep us posted.

My ex boyfriend did this occasionally and it drove me nuts! Bad manners are my pet peeve for sure. But the solution is simple - talk to her about it. If you guys have been together awhile I think it's totally find to maybe bring it up in a jokingly way, or if she doesn't say thank you bust in with a "your welcome missy!" or something flirty and cute. It does sound like maybe she just doesn't know better, but at 33, she should. Communicate, tell her it bothers you because it makes you feel like she doesn't appreciate things at times. That's the angle I would take, start with a joke, and then go serious with the appreciate part. And then let her know that of course you know she does appreciate it, but she doesn't ever say. You know, so she won't get all mad on you... haha

You are not with her for 30 years and it's hard for her to change in a snap since her upbringing is much different to you.

You don't have to argue with her about her lack of manners.

As long as she doesn't yell at you like a slave when asking for something, when you are with her, just offer, say thank you and please when you are together.

I agree with what seems to be the general consensus... It has to do with her upbringing and it can be a hard thing to change. It also seems that she gets defensive when you bring it up. This might be because she knows its an issue or feels like you are insulting her or bringing her down when you bring it up?

She doesn't have a problem, you do. If you think someone else having different habits from yours and different instincts on sharing from yours makes them WRONG, then you have a huge problem.

First (apology in advance), you need to get over yourself. You're not right because you're more generous, you're just... well, more generous. Generosity is its own reward. You can't paint that as right without stating she's wrong, she's not. All she is is missing the rewards of generosity.

She's just different. Please/Thank You are habits. Sharing is a habit. The presence of them doesn't make you a nice person. Serial killer Ted Bundy was the politest, most giving guy... still a serial killer.

Next, you are dating to make a choice, not a list. A list of her faults that need fixing is the rudest concept I can picture. You are dating to find out if you're compatible or not. That's it. That simple.

If she's ever going to change, it won't be because you point out her faults, it will be because she notices your attributes and admires them, eventually mimicking them. That's the only way.

This whole issue is about you, not her. Think about it. Meanwhile, open your own bag of pretzels and offer "First bite goes to my girl..."

I'm not sure I agree. Sharing your life with someone involves being sensitive about the things you do and how these things makes your significant other feel. Regardless of what she's doing and whether we agree with her actions or not, if he doesn't feel good about them, he should be voicing that and discussing it with her. Same goes for her. Lets say for example her feelings get hurt every time he leaves the house without kissing her and saying goodbye, she should be allowed sharing that with him and in a healthy relationship, he would then try to be considerate towards her feelings and make an effort to change. Just like she should be doing the same with regards to the rudeness.

I agree in principle about sharing, except... the topic here is Please/ThankYou/Sharing... not rudeness. The rudeness is how the OP characterizes her behavior, and that is where we disagree.

And anyway, can you hear the conversation in your head? It makes YOU out to be the lame one. Try it.

"I wish you would share your nuts with me..." Lame. Not necessarily bad info to get across, but lame nonetheless.

As mentioned before, make a list. Have her make one too. And you both work on your partners list. Then everyone is happy and equally making sacrifices

That's because "Please-Thank you-Sharing" don't particularly matter to YOU much. But everyone is different. What you find insignificant may not be perceived that way by someone else. Maybe he places more value on "Please-Thank you-Sharing" than you or I would but it doesn't make it less important or doesn't diminish it's impact on his feelings.

And of course the conversation wouldn't litteraly go down that way. Writing and talking are different, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234

That's because "Please-Thank you-Sharing" don't particularly matter to YOU much.

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(I'll ignore the veiled insult) Now who's jumping to conclusions? A perfect example of missing the point because of a detail.

The fact that he places a higher value on the niceties in life (as do my wife and I) than she does might warrant discussion, we'll see. I'm simply cautioning him (and you) that making lists of things to work on and exchanging them... I shudder at the power for destruction here. That's all.

Make sure you see each for who you really are, decide what you can live with and live with it. Teach improvement by demonstration, not by fixit lists.

I didn't mean that as an insult at all, I'm sorry if it gives that impression. I was just trying to point out the subjectivity of it all. And I'm not the one who suggested making a list and exchanging flaws. I don't want to misdirect this thread I just wanted to clear that up.

If this is a big deal to you, then you should surely express your feelings, and see if what she does about it is good enough for you to accept. If not, take your pretzels, and go home.

All,

thanks for your insight and opinion , it is valued.

I will let you know what happens

B