My wife refuses to help out around the house. We have three children and have been married for 10 years, during this time she has constantly lost, or lied about having jobs, but when it comes time to help out with expenses she acts childish and refuses to talk about this. Me and my children are miserable half the time we have to get take out food because she won't cook or clean. I've already lost our home due to not being able to keep up with the mortgage and keeping our children fed, I now rent a home in another city where I commute daily to keep up with expenses while she watches t.v. all day and does nothing to address this problem. I've even gone as far as considering an evaluation to see if she is eligible for benefits from social security but being in her early 30's doesn't look too promising. She also constantly gets money out of my account without my knowledge and denies it. ( she has been video taped on atm machines and only then will she admit that she did it). She is a compulsive liar, is there anything I can do legally to get her to act like an adult, or a possible mental evaluation for treatment and or financial aid? Any advice would be helpful this is making me nuts.:mad:

Ok.

First, get a private bank account and do not give her your pin code. That will prevent her from taking money from your account.

Second if she is a compulsive liar, why are you still with her? If she refuses to seek help for her problem (which from what you are saying is the case), then perhaps you should leave her. That might be enough to shake her up and go get help.

But, if you don't want to leave her, at least change your account so she can't access it.

And as you said, you and the kids are so unhappy half the time, is that fun anymore? Wouldn't you and the kids be better off without her on a daily basis?

If you are married and living together, you probably won't qualify for social assistance unless you make a very poor living.

If you haven't done so yet, you need a budget to track money. Both of you need to decide what your financial goals are and what you need every month. Make sure both you and your wife agree on the items in the budget, and then commit to sticking to it.

Another good idea is to create a "job list" that splits the housework between you and your wife. Again, make sure both of you agree on the assignment of jobs and commit to getting them done.

I certainly don't know if your wife is depressed, bored, or lazy - But... If you want to make your marrige work, you're going to have to actively help her and keep your communication open.

It seems like you have become very resentful about the situation. When you talk to your wife, keep an open mind. She may be doing things at home you are not aware of. For example, maybe she gets the kids off to school in the mornings and makes lunches for them. Maybe she's taking money out of the account to make sure your kids have clean clothes and can play a sport after school... If there is no communication, you don't know.

Marriges are often "not fair".
If there are issues you simply can't get worked out, it's best to make a break and start fresh.

Hi,
I am so sorry to read this. I've been married now 29 yrs, to a wonderful woman.
Marriage takes compromise, trust, love, caring, and wanting the other to be happy. If you can talk her into going to a Marriage Counselor together, then please go. It might help her to understand what is going on.
If not, you have two options:
First, just keep on with things the same.
Next, see a lawyer, find out about your options for Divorce.
Things like this do not solve themselves. She has to "wake up" to a few facts, and if not, then it could be over. I do wish you the best, and good luck.

First of course you don't have to always get take out food, if you set there and fix the kids food at home, You do that because it is easy on you.
So just buy food at the store that is easy to fix.

Next don't let her name be on your bank account, then she can't get any money out of it.

You let her do things, it is your allowing it to do so

Yes get to counseling - she seems to need it big time. She really needs to work with a professional. It sounds like the condition is getting worse?

Hi,
As an afterthought, you might get her to a Doctor. Have a good checkup. If she is depressed about anything, maybe the Doctor can suggest something to do. If she hasn't always been this way, it's something that might be looked into. Best wishes.

I really think you need to evaluate this situation. If you are so miserable and her behavior is causing problems in your marriage, maybe you should look into leaving for awhile. Maybe that act alone will cause her to shape up.
But like fredg suggested she may have deppression. There are some lazy people out there, but being a woman, married, and with little children myself I could never imagine not helping around the house or NOT taking care of the kids while my husband worked full time... UNLESS.. it was something more pshycological like depression. It is a very good idea that she get help or at least find out for herself why she is the way she is and take the steps to getting help for it. Good luck.

She is your wife and it is up to you to make sure she gets help if she needs it(SHE DOES) If she is just a lazy liar take your kids and get away for a while, to see if she is willing to change. If not, You have to do what is necessary to put your kids in a healthy environment!:cool:

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Originally Posted by atwitsend

My wife refuses to help out around the house. we have three children and have been married for 10 years, during this time she has constantly lost, or lied about having jobs, but when it comes time to help out with expenses she acts childish and refuses to talk about this. me and my children are miserable half the time we have to get take out food because she won't cook or clean. I've already lost our home due to not being able to keep up with the mortgage and keeping our children fed, I now rent a home in another city where i commute daily to keep up with expenses while she watches t.v. all day and does nothing to address this problem. I've even gone as far as considering an evaluation to see if she is eligible for benifits from social security but being in her early 30's doesn't look too promising. She also constantly gets money out of my account without my knowledge and denies it. ( she has been video taped on atm machines and only then will she admit that she did it). She is a compulsive liar, is there anything I can do legally to get her to act like an adult, or a possible mental evaluation for treatment and or financial aid? any advice would be helpful this is making me nuts.:mad:

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Wow, your wife sounds, immature, selfish and useless.
She is upsettin you in so many ways.
Do u really need to be in this kind of marriage?

I think if something won't be done to make her change, you are going to end up making yourself ill. Its enough that you work and it seems that you also look after your children and your own home.

She is very immature, and I think she thinks she has it easy wi you. She is acting like a kid.
Tell her that if she don't sort her acts out - she can leave.

Oh and marriage should be about compromise and commitment, and happiness and love and care. To be honest I see none of them in your marriage. Sorry.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She is your wife and it is up to you to make sure she gets help if she needs it(SHE DOES) If she is just a lazy liar take your kids and get away for a while, to see if she is willing to change. If not, You have to do what is neccesary to put your kids in a healthy enviroment!:cool:

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I couldn't comment on your post, but wanted to say I agree with what you said and esp the (SHE DOES) in caps is great

For starters, close out all of your current accounts and redeposit the money into new accounts that only you have access to, without her. Have your wages direct deposited into a new account as well. As for anything legally that you can do to "get her to act like an adult", chances are pretty slim. It sounds like an ultimatum from you might be more effective ; either she clean up her act and get on the ball or you and the kids are leaving and the two of you can duke it out in court over custody of the kids. Not that you want to use your kids as pawns but if she realizes that she has something to lose in the deal she might come around. I can't make any guarantees but it's worth a shot.

You need help.
If my wife was like this I would take the kids and leave.
It is very unhealthy for the kids to be in this environment.

My sister in laws husband is a lot like this.

He's quite talented. Has lots of skills to make money, and when he wants to work hard he really can.

But every boss he's ever had becomes an a$$ in time. Usually when things are looking good he does something destructive to bring it all down. And in the last two years he's largely lost his motivation and drive.

The only thing that worked was his wife leaving him. She moved out and took the kids. He resisted for nearly 6 months. Then started making some changes. I'm sorry to say this has also happened once before... so the cycle is likely to swing right back around to lazy and lethargic in time. His wife had all but signed the divorce papers this time.

If you let her do this you are enabling the situation. I am not a fan of divorce. I think marriages hit tough spots and need lots of work. But this behavior warrants action. The fact you lost a home from this is awful.

She's either has to engage in the marriage or stop benefitting from it. Its time for her to do something, to find her drive, and to participate in a relationship that you seem to be carrying, or its time for you to separate.

It might seem hard to do, it might seem like you cannot do it logistically. You are acting in many ways like a single parent now. My wife raised her daughter for 12 years as a single working mother. It can be done.

I hope that it doesn't come to that... but in my opinion, its time. If my actions, or lack of action, caused my wife to lose her home... shed place me out of the house until I figured out how to be engaged, how to be responsible, and how to be a role model for my children.

She is teaching your kids that this is an acceptable form of behavior. That makes me most upset.

That could have been my post. With the exception of taking loans out in my name without my knowledge and or permission, she was an accountant so naturally I let her monitor the finacnes... what a mistake... she was too lazy to keep track of finances, hiding every bad thing that she's ever done financially from me, and letting the house go into foreclosure without saying a word, hiding any late notices that came in the mail, telling creditors if they wanted a resoloution to a problem they'd have to deal with her... all the while telling me everything was fine... how did I find out about my problem... the man showing up on my doorstep on thanksgiving day with foreclosure papers... it's taken about $40k so far to dig out of the hole she put me in (telling me everything was fine the entire time)... She swore she'd get a job to help fix the problem... I had done several things mentioned above... gave her an "allowance" to pay for groceries, removed her name from all bank accounts... I'd have left her then, but she's ruined my credit in such a way I can't afford to leave let alone get another loan for a home or anything else at the moment if I tried. I can't leave my kids homeless, and per the law, even if I filed for divorce, I can't make her leave until everything is finalized... here's no way she can afford the house on no income, and my kids would think real highly of their dad putting their mom on the street so I'm basically screwed... She's gotten better around the house with cleaning and stuff since I snapped, and let everything out about how I felt and how she's a failure at life in general. But 10 months later, she's still unemployed! If there's a way you can split do so as soon as possible before you end up like me with no options