Just When I'm Fine, He Comes Walking Back Into My Life.
I don't know what to do, I really don't.
As soon as I think I got my head on straight & things are starting to look up, look who comes walking back into my life.
It's so frustrating, yet so confusing at the same time. Why can't we just go back to not wanting to be together? That makes it so much easier, right? I mean, I was doing so good. I've accepted that I was a single parent, that it was just my son & I. I was enjoying my time with my friends, and enjoying my time with Brycen. Then, he starts coming back around.
I miss how things were. I miss having him there, or is it just having someone there? Could it just be anyone? Would I be fine having a friend over for the night? Or does it really have to be him? I don't get it. We go 6 months in our own ways, then bam, out of nowhere here we are again. Trying to fix whatever kind of relationship we had. I'm not going to say I don't love him because I do. But, I know the difference between having love and being in love. It's not like it used to be, especially not this time around. I want to believe we can be together and be a family. But, I don't know if this is all the right reasons. I keep saying to myself, maybe if he'll change things could really be there between us again. I know part of the reason, if not the main & only reason, why I fell out of love with him was because of everything he put me through. Or maybe I was only in love with the man I wanted him to be, but that person isn't something he will ever be or wants to be. Maybe I just had a vision of how our life could be and he had something far different in mind. I don't want to give up on him, I really don't. I really think people can change. But, if he couldn't change within the last 3 years, what make me think he could now?
I don't think I'm asking for a lot. I want him to have and hold down a job. I want him to stop doing drugs. I'm sorry, but I do not want that in, around, or even heard of in my house. I want him to want to better himself; which means finishing high school, considering school or finding a better job, and taking care of himself with his diabetes.
One thing that really broke me down, was a few months ago when I had a talk with his Grandpa. He told me that he doesn't see him living past my son's 20th birthday. That's what, 19 years from now? To think that his Grandpa only sees him making it to what, 40-42 years old? I tried so hard to make him want to get better. He was diagnosed with Diabetic Keytoasadosis in March, which means he didn't take his medicine enough if at all. I have never known someone close to me who has had diabetes, but when I found out he had it I wanted to learn. I wanted to help him. Why is it that I'm the only person who wants to do this for him? Why doesn't he even care enough about himself to want to learn for himself? Granted, his dad has diabetes so he grew up around it. But, if you are going to the hospital to find out that you don't take your medcine enough, apparently there is something more that needs to be done.
When things ended between us, I threw in the towel. I gave up because it was so much easier than caring and trying to make things work. Now look at me, I'm back to where I was before. Back to caring, trying to figure out what is still there, and trying to be a family again.
Am I getting in over my head? Do I need to realize why we broke up before, and realize that sometimes good things do fall apart? Or should I really give things another shot? He is the father of my son, am I making the right decision?
Please give me your advice. My heart and my mind are confused, so any outside opinion may help shed some light on this.
