Ask Me Help Desk - I don't want a divorce

My Wife and I have been married for a little over a year and it has not been smooth. She brought her teenage Daughter with her and they both have a green card now. Her Daughter and I have been at odds from day one. She is a typical teen and argues everything. They both have culture shock and are frustrated. The Daughter is free to do what she wants without consequences. She is only 15 and is gone every weekend with friends and we have no idea where she is and is allowed to date older men. I have tried to put my foot down, but this only makes the Mom angry at me and she claims I am abusive every time I try to parent her Daughter. This has made for a horrible marriage. When her Daughter is away, we have a nice time together, but anytime her Daughter is in the picture or has done something wrong, I get accused of being a monster for parenting. I have my own teenage Son and understand how to parent, so it is not like I am running blind on this issue.
So, now that you have some background, here is what has happened. My Wife has left me and ran off to a shelter and is claiming abuse because I took her Daughters cell phone and computer away after finding out she was still speaking to grown men while in our home. The Daughter was angry and ran away which made her Mother so angry at me that she went to the shelter and wants a divorce. I think she is suffering from depression and is frustrated, but is also in denial about her mental status and possible post trauma from what ever happened to her before me. I want her to get help and I love her and will do anything to save our marriage, but she is getting all types of bad advise from those who don't know the whole story.
My question is, if I want to save the marriage what will immigration and or a divorce court do because of her status? The two year condition green card is still in effect and I don't want her to get deported and I don't want her claiming abuse just to dodge that bullet either. I think she has been given the advice to run to a shelter so she can claim abuse and be granted residency. I believe she is only in need of some professional help and she really does love me. There is no concrete proof of abuse and I am trying to save the marriage. What will the powers that be do in this case? Thanks for any help you can offer.

She may be eligible to file a self petition to remove condition on her green card if proved that she is a victim of domestic abuse. From my experience, shelters do not take someone in easily unless they have enough evidences to prove that the victim is in danger, physically or mentally or both.

So if she files for a divorce on ground of domestic abuse, nothing you can do to save the marriage unless she changes her mind and would be willing to get marriage counseling, etc.

Wow. You came up just short of saying I actually did something to my Wife. Shelters are actually quite easy to get into. I talked to a coordinator for one and she said she just takes the word of the person and nothing more. My Wife isn't happy so she can just go to a shelter with a story and gain residency and a divorce. God bless America. So, I guess going to USCIS and removing my support for the 2 of them or any other eye raising questions will be seen as abuse also? Would that seal my fate?

She may be eligible for a domestic violence waiver based on the abuse. The abuse does not have to be physical in nature to constitute abuse but it is harder to prove without a police report or witnesses to the abuse. The fact is she is not happy with this marriage so its time to move on.

Lesson to learn as taught by Good Day America episode:

Only biological parents should discipline biological children, except in adoption cases where both parents are not biological. This is seen as parental unity.

Btw, you mentioned culture shock for them, it seems you're experiencing some culture shock yourself. In some cultures older men are the norm and having personal belongings taken away as "forms of grounding" can be seen differently. When you both have no idea where she's at then I hear parental unity, but when the mother doesn't agree with your parenting skill, it's culture shock for you.

Have you tried contacting the local Immigration office or the 1-800 number? I know a lot of people are afraid to contact them, but they do help. My husband is an immigrant and we went through the 2-year interview. We were very nervous, even though we were (and still are) completely legitimate. We were told that even if a marriage breaks up in the first two years, it is possible for the residency to still be approved if it can be shown that the marriage was entered in good faith.

I would also suggest familiarizing yourself with your wife's culture to gain perspective on her values. Hopefully, with a little time, she will cool off and she'll agree to meet you to talk things through. Being a step parent is difficult; especially when you don't agree with the behavior of the child(ren). However, you might need to stand back and allow your wife to parent her daughter. The girl will be 18 before you know it... and you and your wife will have the rest of your lives together ahead of you :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by xaiegen

Lesson to learn as taught by Good Day America episode:

Only biological parents should discipline biological children, except in adoption cases where both parents are not biological. This is seen as parental unity.

Btw, you mentioned culture shock for them, it seems you're experiencing some culture shock yourself. In some cultures older men are the norm and having personal belongings taken away as "forms of grounding" can be seen differently. When you both have no idea where she's at then I hear parental unity, but when the mother doesn't agree with your parenting skill, it's culture shock for you.

With all due respect to Good Morning America and whatever experts they use - this "only biological parents should discipline biological children" thinking leads to "wait until your father [or motehr] comes home" scenarios. You can have the same parenting skills, goals, practices and be united without the natural parent being the bad guy and the step parent playing the, "Wait until... " game.

I apologize - I'm the first to say this is a legal board and the information should be legal or move it to a relationship board BUT I am responding to this portion of this answer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xaiegen

Lesson to learn as taught by Good Day America episode:

Only biological parents should discipline biological children, except in adoption cases where both parents are not biological. This is seen as parental unity.

Btw, you mentioned culture shock for them, it seems you're experiencing some culture shock yourself. In some cultures older men are the norm and having personal belongings taken away as "forms of grounding" can be seen differently. When you both have no idea where she's at then I hear parental unity, but when the mother doesn't agree with your parenting skill, it's culture shock for you.

This is a legal board - what is your legal answer to the question concerning the marriage and Immigration status?

Ok, it's a legal board, you're right, but you're pulling up a dead post from a year ago... To answer nonetheless, powers that be would advise you both for counseling. One for your relationship with your wife, another as a family, and last for your wife to deal with post traumatic stress disorder that may have derived from her immigrating to the United States and what may be of her past. She can claim abuse and go through the process of proving it in USCIS court. In the end, it's not a marriage she wants to save, and no matter how crazy or incapable of thinking straight she may be right now, you can't force or persuade her otherwise. Prepare for divorce.

You can be united, but without communication, I'm not sure how both parents can get on board in disciplining their biological and step children if you're coming from different cultures with different parenting practices. Hence, before children come into the mix, some people do separate due to such differences. It sucks this wasn't figured out before marrying.

Reply to it if you'd like, but considering original post is 13 months ago, this is a waste of time here on out. It'd be great if original poster could update us on the outcome.

Agreed - thread should be closed.