Ask Me Help Desk - Do I stay for now.

I have no one to talk to and need to get things off my chest.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. One year in to the relationship I discovered he was married and lived with his wife, although he assured me the relationship was over and they shared a house but that was all. He has told me that he was getting divorced but it just never happened, and he carried on going away with her on holiday every year blaming her for just booking him a ticket, because she did not want to upset the family. He told me he had asked her for a divorce on one of these holidays, Any how, things have got progressively worse, and about 2 months ago his wife found out about me.. She does not want him back and he says he wanted to be with me but I think it is only because he has no where else to go.. the problem I have is that I have stupidly been supporting him from the start, he told me he was going to Mediation appointments for a divorce but it turns out he was actually going to relationship counselling with his wife I now owe thousands of pounds cannot afford to pay it back because I have received no wage from him in months, he says he is working away, but the money never turns up, I know he is not with his wife as I have had a long discussion with her. I haven't yet bought a house, and will never now get one as even if a do find some way to clear my bills my credit has been destroyed. I just feel like he has ruined my life, I don't believe he is working I think he is cheating on me with someone else, it is all my fault and I don't expect sympathy, I know I should just walk away, but the thought of having to return to my mums house at 28 with no prospects riddled in debt makes me think what is the point in carrying on. My boyfriends wife is getting a large loan out to pay him off for his house, He says he will pay my debts off with this. Do I stick around in the hope that this is true. Or do I cut my loses and walk now with nothing and my life destroyed.. My family and friends no nothing of any of this apart from the fact I owe some money, I am to ashamed to admit I degraded myself in this manner

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandit1954

I have no one to talk to and need to get things off of my chest.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. one year in to the relationship i discovered he was married and lived with his wife, although he assured me the relationship was over and they shared a house but that was all. he has told me that he was getting divorced but it just never happened, and he carried on going away with her on holiday every year blaming her for just booking him a ticket, because she did not want to upset the family. he told me he had asked her for a divorce on one of these holidays, Any how, things have got progressively worse, and about 2 months ago his wife found out about me.. She does not want him back and he says he wanted to be with me but I think it is only because he has no where else to go.. the problem I have is that i have stupidly been supporting him from the start, he told me he was going to Mediation appointments for a divorce but it turns out he was actually going to relationship counselling with his wife I now owe thousands of pounds cannot afford to pay it back because I have received no wage from him in months, he says he is working away, but the money never turns up, i know he is not with his wife as i have had a long discussion with her. I havent yet bought a house, and will never now get one as even if a do find some way to clear my bills my credit has been destroyed. I just feel like he has ruined my life, i dont believe he is working i think he is cheating on me with someone else, it is all my fault and i dont expect sympathy, I know i should just walk away, but the thought of having to return to my mums house at 28 with no prospects riddled in debt makes me think what is the point in carrying on. My boyfriends wife is getting a large loan out to pay him off for his house, He says he will pay my debts off with this. Do i stick around in the hope that this is true. Or do I cut my loses and walk now with nothing and my life destroyed.. My family and friends no nothing of any of this apart from the fact i owe some money, I am to ashamed to admit I degraded my self in this manner

The very worst thing you can do is blame yourself for anything!! We all make mistakes but it is part of growing. It's when you learn from your mistakes that help you to move on in life. You probably have all the answers already, but like you said, you need to get it all out. There are many people here to help you, but one way to help yourself is to write down all your thoughts and feelings... this will help you get it out too. Burn it after you write if you want... but let it go.

Some of what you are experiencing right now is fear... of the unknown... what to do next... where do I start... do I let go?.

From what you've wrote, to me, it seems you already know that you need to move on, that nothing he has ever said has held much truth. From every end there is a new beginning. No matter how bad something hurts or what happens.. there are good things that happen too, usually when we almost hit bottom. Then we look back and laugh at ourselves.

Try not to be scared and start looking forward to your new life ahead... if you need help on what to do next, we are here for that too...

You are totally right. But How do I end it, I have said to him before that it is over. But it is like he does not listen. I have to give 2 months notice on the flat we supposidly have ' Together' His name is on the tenency and I cannot afford the rent on two places. I wish I was stronger, One of these women that just don't seem to let things affect them but I don't know what to do next

I'm so sorry I left you hanging... I had to go and check on the food I was cooking... I am here to help and will try my best to help you step by step. What you said about being stronger is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT NOW. How can anyone be happy if you aren't? Let me know some of your most important questions, and I need to know a little more about YOU and what YOU are feeling right now... and we'll build from there... :)

NEW PERSPECTIVE: You need to blame yourself, and do it fully. As long as you lay any blame for YOUR situation at his feet, you give yourself reason to "wait around" some more.

You are in 100% control of your life. All of it. It's you. You know the mistakes you've made with this guy, so just own them. Taking the blame on yourself isn't a misery thing, it's an empowerment thing. By owning it, you start to lose the fear of the changes you MUST immediately make in your life.

The 2 months notice... GIVE THAT NOTICE TODAY. Start apartment hunting, looking for a room, ANYTHING. That includes asking your mum if you can stay with her for a month to save up money for deposits and such. Just do it. That's what family is for. Her disappointment in you over this... you can live with that, and it will be short--lived. This guy will be an idiot forever, you need to get out, NOW.

Do not be embarrassed that you are taking your life back now. You can be embarrassed about the mistakes you've made with HIM, but not today. Today you're getting your ducks back in a row.

Consider the money you've spent and the debt you've accrued as "stupid tax". We all pay stupid tax. If you make the mistake, own it, pay the stupid tax and don't look back, you are in an AWESOME place afterward. No one can ever get you down that path again, you are smarter, more in control and full of determination.

Right?

And you will own a house in due time as well. No amount of stupid tax can stop that from happening. In fact, my guess is it will make it MORE likely you will be a happy, successful homeowner in the future.

Get your life back... today. Get your family and friends involved to make it happen immediately. Things are going to be SO much better 12 months from now, you won't believe it.

Ps- I did notice that you mentioned your mom. I know you are embarrassed, but I'm pretty sure moms are good at not judging and loving us unconditionally... which means, no matter what happens, or how we have failed they are there for us... how is your relationship with her?

Your have made your bed now you are having to lie in it. Sorry not the touchie feely answers many of the others are giving you. Of course you had a choice 5 years ago, 4 years ago and 2 years ago, to not keep sleeping and seeing a married man. You made your choice that you were OK with being second to his wife. With her getting all of the best holdays, the important times of his life. You were merely someone to have fun and sex with. Plain and simple. So he has made his choice, and of course if he could cheat with you for 5 years, he will not have a new person to cheat with while he is with you, and telling her the same lies he told you for all those years.

What do you do, you don't answer his calls, you change the locks and don't let him in, and you move on with you life, if that means actually moving you do what it takes to take control of your life and move on. Also seeing a couselor to help yourself feel good about you will be of importance. I would sue him for the money you "loaned" him for those debts and try and get it back

Right with both of the above... not meaning to blame HIM for anything. But "YOU have YOUR control" that's why you have to choose to learn from all that happened and CHANGE it. And just stop it. NOW. No excuses. Finito. Done... and work on moving on. That's why I am focusing on helping you to move FORWARD...

You made a mistake, forgive yourself, and regroup, and rebuild, and remember enough not to repeat that mistake. The best thing you can do for yourself right now, is get him out of your life, and keep him out.

This guy is not a good bet for any relationship married or not. Save yourself & your life from any more hell by getting yourself in a better place that doesn't include any lunacy.

As to the money, get a lawyer to write up a note that this "bf" signs so you can collect all he owes you when he does get the house money & any costs incurred to collect if he doesn't pay as promised. If possible, make sure that there is something in there that says you will be paid out of the house equity & record it so you can a check made out to you when he gets his (not sure what the laws are where you are).

If he says that's insulting to have to do, point out that all you're doing is putting in writing what he says will he will do so it shouldn't be a problem if that is in fact what he plans to do. Then look him in the eye & ask "Are you telling me that you are lying to me about paying me back or are you willing to put in writing what you want me to believe you are going to do?". That's probably your best chance to get paid.