Ask Me Help Desk - Should I leave him?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years. I don't doubt that we genuinely love each other; however, things have never been peachy. I'm 20 and he is 26. In the beginning of our relationship things were very rocky.
He was a severe alcoholic (almost drinking himself to literal death at points) and he smoked pot ALL the time. He was rarely not high. Each of these things were red flags for me but I found out that he is also clinically depressed( though he rarely takes his medicine) and I felt bad for him. So I stayed with him "just to help him get himself together". Well, I ended up falling in love with him several months later as he began to clean his act up.
He is much better now in comparison to those days but one issue still remains... He lies to me a lot about drinking and smoking. He doesn't do it nearly as often but he sneaks around behind my back and lies to me to my face. I confront him and he cries and tells me he's sorry and he loves me. I threatened to leave him several times but I never do. I know he can stop, because he was forced to go through a drug/alcohol addiction program for 15 weeks and passed with flying colors. But afterwards it was back to his old ways again. I know he's really improved but he lies to me several times a week. Should I hang in there and hope that he will continue to get better slowly but surely? Or am I just kidding myself? Will I ever be able to trust him? Some of my friends think I'm expecting too much of him. Is this true?

Yes, you are expecting too much of him because apparently he's not willing to give you a solid basis for a good HONEST relationship that doesn't involve you coming in second best to his getting high. That is his true love (who he is faithful to while lying to it) for now at least.

As long as he keeps dabbling with his addictions, he's an ADDICT. Addicts lie. They will pick their addiction over everything else as long as they can, & that's their main loyalty. The fact that he could stop for a short time doesn't mean anything in light of the truth that the minute that he could embrace it again he did instead of staying clean. He's not ready for a relationship or being sober so it will stay a rocky road with him for the foreseeable future.

The only problem he sees as having is your nagging him about his addictions, not the addiction itself. He says that as being under control & is OK with lying to you about it. He lies because he doesn't want you to know how far on the slippery slope to full blown addiction he is. He wants to be able to keep doing it without your interference. If he was truly relationship material, he'd be coming to you or a sponsor or some sort of professional to stay clean & get his life in order so he could be a great HONEST partner to you. He's not willing to do that & you can't make him want or do that no matter what you have to offer at this point unfortunately.

Quote:

Should I hang in there and hope that he will continue to get better slowly but surely?

No.

Quote:

... or am I just kidding myself?

Yes.

Quote:

Will I ever be able to trust him?

No.

Quote:

Some of my friends think I'm expecting too much of him. Is this true?

Yes.

Now, having answered your questions simply and honestly (you knew those answers, too, didn't you?), I hope you have some questions that are solely about YOU. We can't help you with him, we can only help you with YOU.

The same is true for you, you can't help him much with HIM. You can only help with YOU. You date people to find out what LIFE would them would be like. Now you know.

Love is beside the point for this part. This is about you choosing the life you want. Stop dating the guy you want him to be... you're dating the guy he is. If you stay with him, you are marrying the guy he is. Nobody, not even you, think he'll ever be the guy in your head.

So, what now?

You have only one solution, and thats to leave him completely alone, until he sinks or swims. Unless he get tired of what he is doing, and wants to change , he won't! Nothing to do with you at all, so sad, and cruel, as it sounds, Leave him alone, and try to educate yourself in the problem of addiction, and stop trying to help him!

Loved ones are the least qualified to help and addict, and give him what he needs.

Sorry!