Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend has odd thoughts about my weight and sex

Hi there

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and things are rocky right now.

He's 5"6 and incredibly in shape, very toned body. I'm 5"7 and 126 pounds, so I'm small but Im not as toned. I'm not different than when we first started going out.

Now, 3 weeks ago he abrubtly broke up with me because:
1. he wanted to play the field
2. he found me overweight and therefore not sexually attractive
3. and not sexually aggressive enough

Obviously that took me for a whirl and the breakup was rough.

I asked him straight up why he wanted to break up with me and he did.

Two weeks after though he started phoning me, saying how he missed me and that he hated to see me sad and still had feelings for me. He tried playing the field but it didn't feel the same. He claims the weight thing has to do with health (his is extremely health conscious with food and whatnot) but also admits he's shallow. We've now been on a "trial relationship", working out the kinks so-to-speak. We just started having sex again and I'm being more "aggressive" so he doesn't seem to complain.

Now, I've been trying to explain to him why the weight thing hurt so much, and that you should never break up with someone because of their weight. But he doesn't seem to get it. I told him because love should be from the inside not the out but he's not into that stuff. I need to find another way to explain it.

So, as I said... We've been dating over a year now and now all of a sudden this stuff comes up and it's kind of thrown me through a loop. But I notice a lot of girls on this site have similar issues when it comes to the weight and stuff like that. Is this common? Is there something I'm just not getting with guys? What should I do about he weight issue? I need him to see it!

I know this is a lengthy reply, but please read it.

In my opinion this relationship is not going to go very far and I feel it is better to accept this now rather than later. If you do end your relationship with each other it will hurt of course, but it is likely to hurt even more if you break up later.

When your boyfriend met you, I doubt you were much different, weight wise than you are now and when he asked you out he must have liked the way you looked, so why is he being so critical and trying to change you now?

He should love you for who you are and not criticize or try to change you because of your weight or who you are at the moment. Not every person is a muscular Adonis and the fact that he likes the fitness thing and 'working out' etc does not mean that you do, or indeed have to, just to make him happy

The fact that he decided he wanted to play the field while still dating you tells me that his feelings for you are not as strong as yours are for him. If he wanted to play the field while still going out with you, how sure can you be that he will not decide he wants to do that again later in your relationship and either tell you so or even worse, do it behind your back.

If you feel uncomfortable being aggressive during sex, or if it hurts you, simply don't be aggressive. It is your body and your choice. The art of sex should be enjoyed by both parties, not just the one, with the other simply trying to please their partner. Sex with him cannot be very enjoyable for you if you are constantly trying to be the way he wants you to be. Again if he feels that much for you he will accept that aggressive behaviour during sexual intercourse disturbs you and makes you uncomfortable.

From your question I get the distinct feeling that you are the one who is giving and all he is doing is taking and playing with your emotions.

It seems to me that he wants to control you and wants you to do what he wants, not what you want.

My advice is to think very carefully about this relationship and think about how it is likely to be in the future, especially if you start doing everything he wants of you.

Tell him that you are happy with your weight and the way you look, tell him that you are uncomfortable being aggressive while making love and let him know that you are not happy with his thinking that he wants to play the field when he is still going out with you.

Let him know that you are not happy that he may want to wander off to other relationships and simply come back to you when he tires of them.

I feel you should also tell him that you feel that he is trying to control you and you are not happy with that.

If he really cares about you he will accept you for who you are and respect you. If not then he, or you will probably decide that the relationship is better ended.

He should not be dictating to you on how you should look and how you should act in bed.

You must ask yourself, if he is not happy with the way you are now, how long will it be before he decides to wander off to 'pastures new' for good.

I get the impression that you are simply there for his convenience and your own thoughts and emotions count for little as far as he is concerned. If that's the case I am afraid I cannot see you having a happy, or long lasting relationship with him.

Start thinking about you for a change and even if it means breaking this relationship, which will hurt at first, (everyone has at least one relationship which when ended hurts) but I promise you that you will get over it and I am sure you will find someone who cares for you because you are you.

Cy
(Poseidon)

I will be shorter, he wanted to break up to have sex with other people. He did not want to take personal responsibility and say he was just his desire to do it. ( he is a dog basically wanting to sniff somewhere else) So what does he do, he shifts the blame, so he blames you, says it is all because of you, that he is doing this.

It is all basically a lie to make him feel better, and he is not going to take the quilt for this,

Shake it off and feel glad you got this jerk out of your life before it went even further

Sounds like he has quite an ego... How old are the two of you? It is very immature for him to make excuses and throw things such as weight in your face. Unless you think that he's going to change and this is all worth it, I would just simply tell him to go on... He obviously has no respect for you or else he wouldn't make the excuses and hurtful comments...

There are lots of red flags here that this will not ever have the possibility of a good healthy relationship for you.

I know it's hard to break up but wasting more of your precious life with a guy that's got the sort of serious issues this guy does is a losing battle full of a ton of heartache for you. Even worse, he will do a lot more unnecessary damage to yourself esteem & well being which will only keep you engaged with someone that you need to move on & forget as quickly as possible.

He wanted to break up with you to screw around & when he found it was too much trouble to lure others to his lair, opened the door to let you back in. I'd bet he's a high risk for cheating on you & when he feels the time is right will just dump you again for his lust of the week. He doesn't appreciate or value you or what you have to offer. Your best bet is to let him keep screwing himself over by screwing around & stay out of his "me, me, me" cesspool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guidostern

Sounds like he has quite an ego...How old are the two of you? It is very immature for him to make excuses and throw things such as weight in your face. Unless you think that he's going to change and this is all worth it, I would just simply tell him to go on...He obviously has no respect for you or else he wouldn't make the excuses and hurtful comments...

I am 20, he is 18.

The reason he says he wanted to "play the field" is because that's what he thinks people our age should be doing (you know, the stereotypical college life). He found it a little scary at first to think of "settling down". He had a really poor upbringing so that doesn't surprise me that he thinks that. Of course that all changed when we talked a few weeks later.

Age has a lot to do with his ego... sounds like he has some insecurities and is worried about what other people think. Of course, we all go through this type of phase in some way or another, but regardless he should be sensitive to your feelings. It sounds like you need to find a guy who is going to appreciate you for who you are and not what you can do to make him feel better about himself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jisushika

but also admits he's shallow.

Well at least he's honest about that part. You have to ask yourself if you are OK with your man being shallow and because of that putting you down when talking about you physically. Sounds like the answer is "no" (as any self-respecting person should feel). Since you are not OK with it, you should move on.

If you're the same as u were when u met and he doesn't all of a sudden like it.. then uhh well he doesn't like you anymore and that is NOT your problem. Even if you gained weight , still you are the same person and you seem really nice and if he can't see that, well his loss. You need to find someone who loves YOU. Not what you look like.

I'm sorry I stopped reading at

He wanted to play the filed.

Just delete this guy from your life and your soul. He is trash

None of us are perfect
Find someone better its not going to be hard

Good luck to you

He is very young & apparently very immature. He may be a better partner some time in the future, maybe not but for now he sure isn't.

You can do much better even if by yourself than to have to put up with what he offers. Do yourself a favor & pick you instead of this guy to take care of, you'll be a lot better off short & long term.

I can't believe your even listening to what this dodo bird is saying. Stop stroking his ego, and make him pay homage to you. You will never be happy being his willing submissive love kitten, and you may be in love but he is not. He wants control, and if you let him have it, you will regret it. Stand up for yourself, and kick his shallow butt to the curb.

Yep, they're right, you should ditch him. I could bore you with tales about my ex. Suffice it to say that reading about your boyfriend gives me very bad flashbacks.

He does not champion and support you. He does not love and accept you as you are. He uses you like a thing, an appliance. If you feel less worthy, he feels better. Get away from him!

He is no more interested in you; he gave some excuses just to express that. Life doesn't stop there. I can understand how you must be feeling but you have to help yourself to get out of the situation. Don't live there but move forward. As 'TrueFaith' said 'just delete him from your life and your soul. He is trash.' Move on dear friend and find the best one...

Wanting sex with other people is the real reason he wants to end things with you, the others on the list is how he's justifying the break up with you & just excuses, not the true reason.

Does he like to watch a lot of porn by any chance? His description of why you're not working out for him sounds like he's looking for women like the ones in porn. Next he'll be telling you that a boob job might give you a shot at getting his interest again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jisushika

Hi there

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and things are rocky right now.

He's 5"6 and incredibly in shape, very toned body. I'm 5"7 and 126 pounds, so I'm small but Im not as toned. I'm not different than when we first started going out.

Now, 3 weeks ago he abrubtly broke up with me because:
1. he wanted to play the field
2. he found me overweight and therefore not sexually attractive
3. and not sexually aggressive enough

Obviously that took me for a whirl and the breakup was rough.

I asked him straight up why he wanted to break up with me and he did.

Two weeks after though he started phoning me, saying how he missed me and that he hated to see me sad and still had feelings for me. He tried playing the field but it didn't feel the same. He claims the weight thing has to do with health (his is extremely health conscious with food and whatnot) but also admits he's shallow. We've now been on a "trial relationship", working out the kinks so-to-speak. We just started having sex again and I'm being more "aggressive" so he doesn't seem to complain.

Now, I've been trying to explain to him why the weight thing hurt so much, and that you should never break up with someone because of their weight. But he doesn't seem to get it. I told him because love should be from the inside not the out but he's not into that stuff. I need to find another way to explain it.

So, as I said... We've been dating over a year now and now all of a sudden this stuff comes up and it's kind of thrown me through a loop. But I notice a lot of girls on this site have similar issues when it comes to the weight and stuff like that. Is this common? Is there something I'm just not getting with guys? What should I do about he weight issue? I need him to see it!

Okay so my two cents are this hun... he is shallow you are not! If he really doesn't get the loving someone from the inside out thing as you say...

Quote:

but he's not into that stuff

then he's not worth your time. Now if you guys are young that may change but that being said if he isn't and he is just a shallow person you will never be happy with him. If he isn't concerned with how he made you feel by leaving you because of your weight (I know it's only one of the reasons) than he clearly doesn't care and may be just using you at this point so be very careful. Also as far as the sex part goes it's something you enjoy learning with your partner and he should have brought that up a long time ago and he could have been creative and asked you to try new things or actually do some new things himself and suggest you do the same at some point. Just be careful not to be so quick to jump into the familiar when something better could, someone better, someone who is looking for the same things you are could be on the horizon.

Good luck and sweety. <3 azdesertchick

Quote:

Originally Posted by jisushika

Hi there

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and things are rocky right now.

He's 5"6 and incredibly in shape, very toned body. I'm 5"7 and 126 pounds, so I'm small but Im not as toned. I'm not different than when we first started going out.

Now, 3 weeks ago he abrubtly broke up with me because:
1. he wanted to play the field
2. he found me overweight and therefore not sexually attractive
3. and not sexually aggressive enough

Obviously that took me for a whirl and the breakup was rough.

I asked him straight up why he wanted to break up with me and he did.

Two weeks after though he started phoning me, saying how he missed me and that he hated to see me sad and still had feelings for me. He tried playing the field but it didn't feel the same. He claims the weight thing has to do with health (his is extremely health concious with food and whatnot) but also admits he's shallow. We've now been on a "trial relationship", working out the kinks so-to-speak. We just started having sex again and I'm being more "aggressive" so he doesn't seem to complain.

Now, I've been trying to explain to him why the weight thing hurt so much, and that you should never break up with someone because of their weight. But he doesn't seem to get it. I told him because love should be from the inside not the out but he's not into that stuff. I need to find another way to explain it.

So, as I said... We've been dating over a year now and now all of a sudden this stuff comes up and it's kinda thrown me through a loop. But I notice a lot of girls on this site have similar issues when it comes to the weight and stuff like that. Is this common? Is there something I'm just not getting with guys? What should I do about he weight issue? I need him to see it!

Move on, he's not worth your time!! And by the way, you're not overweight!

April K