My husband and I separated for a period of almost 2 years. During that time he conceived a child with his then girlfriend. Shortly after the child was conceived my husband and I reconciled. He has tried to maintain a good relationship with the mother of his child and has sent her money without a court order ever since he was told she was pregnant. The baby is not even a month old and already there has been a lot of problems. My husband really wants to be a part of his son's life because he did not have his real father in his life. The ex girlfriend knows how important it is to my husband to be a part of their son's life and it seems she is taking advantage of the situation. Recently, my husband received a threatening phone call from his ex girlfriends new boyfriend. My husband was not there for the birth and does not know if his name is on the birth certificate. To the ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend it seems as if this is all a game. My husband does not know what to do. She calls him everyday for money and he thinks she is using it to support the new boyfriend, who oddly enough, the baby is named after. He is confused and does not know what to do. He wonders if he could give up his parental rights and try to contact the child when he is old enough to understand what is going on and establish a relationship without going through the mother of the child. Giving up his rights would be the very last option. He really wants to know how hard it would be to get joint custody, or what other options he would have to be apart of his son's life without having to deal with the mother or the boyfriend. The baby was born in Texas, so I am assuming Texas laws apply. My husband is desperate and asked me to look into this for him. Please help.

The very first thing he needs to do before he gives her another dollar is to demand a paternity test. Once paternity is established then he needs to file for custody or visitation.

Understand, if he is found to be the biological father, that giving up his rights only means that he will be giving up rights to make decisions regarding the health and welfare of the child. He will still be responsible for child support.

Your husband goes to Court and files for visitation - the Court will order DNA testing and he'll know definitely if he's the father. He will, of course, be ordered to pay support. I would settle this now so it doesn't come back to haunt him in a number of years.

There are a thousand threads about relinquishing parental rights - and it's just about impossible to do.

He is certainly entitled to visitation - if he's the father. I don't know that he'll get joint physical custody; probably will get joint legal custody.

He, unfortunately, will have to deal with the mother of the child for pretty much the rest of his and the child's life. There is no way around that.

The boyfriend, well, if it's a threatening or harassing situation he can always speak to the Police.

I work for Social Service in Morth Carolina. He needs to talk with an attorney about relinquishing his parental rights, I can tell you it has to be done in whatever state the child/ children are residents of. So it may behoove him to get a family attorney in that state. A local Social Services or Department of Human Services may also be able to help with resources. Also he needs to speak with an a ttorney about establsihing paternity. If she wants child support he needs to tell her to get a Court order, He can argue paternity, then they willl Court Order a Genetic test. If it's his they will order child support, if it isn't. If u have further questions I may be able to help

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by randomwcuman

i work for Social Service in Morth Carolina. he needs to talk with an attorney about relinquishing his parental rights, i can tell you it has to be done in whatever state the child/ children are residents of. So it may behoove him to get a family attorney in that state. A local Social Services or Department of Human Services may also be able to help with resources. Also he needs to speak with an a ttorney about establsihing paternity. If she wants child support he needs to tell her to get a Court order, He can argue paternity, then they willl Court Order a Genetic test. If it's his they will order child support, if it isnt. If u have further questions i may be able to help

---

When you say relinquish, are you referring to terminating?

Would you please post additional information about terminating parental rights in various States or at least a source? There have been thousands of posts and people have not been able to do so UNLESS someone is willing to adopt the child. Attorneys have posted that it is impossible.

Maybe we're overlooking something here.

When you say genetic testing, what do you mean? DNA?

JudyKay
Yes by genetic testing I mean DNA testing to establish paternity.
First let's tell the difference between Terminating Parental Rights and Relinquishing Parental rights. I my experience as a Social Worker and several year in mental health with children prior to that, If someone's parental right are terminated, it is done by force by a Court Order only, this generally only occurs when a parent has been adjdicated to have either abused or neglected their children. Parental rights can only be relinquished or terminated with a Court Order. To relinquish one's parental rights is to give up any and all rigths to that child/ children by choice but only if social services has custody of the child OR if your child is int eh custody of a parent, the other parent must agree to the relinquishment because once relinquishment is obtained the parent that relinquishes no longer is legally required to pay child support since they have no legal rigths tot hat child. A Parent can also pursue termination of the other parents rights, but it is a VERY hard case to present in Court, also if the termination goes through they have no rgiht to claim child support. The best thing to do would be to contact a family attorney in your area which will more than likely know individual state laws, but in contacting other states this is how it has been across the board. The husband in this case could also paya private agency to establish paternity. You can Google Paternity tests, most online sights offer kits with "Legal Services" to get papers that will stand up in court. Average cost is 200 to 300 bux for a kit. I actually did it to prove I wasn't the father of a child of an ex. So it may help him out. Any more questions feel free to ask

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by randomwcuman

To relinquish one's parental rights is to give up any and all rigths to that child/ children by choice but only if social services has custody of the child OR if your child is int eh custody of a parent, the other parent must agree to the relinquishment becuase once relinquishment is obtained the parent that relinquishes no longer is legally required to pay child support since they have no legal rigths tot hat child. A Parent can also pursue termination of the other parents rights, but it is a VERY hard case to present in Court, also if the termination goes through they have no rgiht to claim child support.

---

As Judy mentioned there are thousands of threads discussing this issue and the situation as you describe it is not universal.

Some states do hold that when rights are terminated, child support stops. In other states, rights and responsibilities are treated separately so a TPR can be granted and the responsibility for support continues.

You cite a diiference between termination and relinquishment when there really is none. Only a court can grant a termination of parental rights. The only difference is who is asking for it, its still listed as a TPR. Based on the experience of several people here a TPR is granted in two instances, to clear the way for an adoption or where the parent represents a danger to the child. It is extremely rare for a TPR to be granted for any other reasons.

In those areas where a TPR also terminates child support its even harder to get one, because the courts are afraid the child might become a burden on the state.

Geeting back to the OP's question, I would forget about a TPR and go for formalizing his relationship with his son. As soon as the child was born he should have been in court to establish Joint Legal Custody. This would have necessitated a paternity test. Once paternity and legal custody are established, a visitation schedule and support order can be set up.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by randomwcuman

JudyKay
Yes by genetic testing i mean DNA testing to establish paternity.
First let's tell the difference between Terminating Parental Rights and Relinquishing Parental rights. I my experience as a Social Worker and several year in mental health with children prior to that, If someone's parental right are terminated, it is done by force by a Court Order only, this generally only occurs when a parent has been adjdicated to have either abused or neglected their children. Parental rights can only be relinquished or terminated with a Court Order. To relinquish one's parental rights is to give up any and all rigths to that child/ children by choice but only if social services has custody of the child OR if your child is int eh custody of a parent, the other parent must agree to the relinquishment becuase once relinquishment is obtained the parent that relinquishes no longer is legally required to pay child support since they have no legal rigths tot hat child. A Parent can also pursue termination of the other parents rights, but it is a VERY hard case to present in Court, also if the termination goes through they have no rgiht to claim child support. The best thing to do would be to contact a family attorney in your area which will mroe than likely know individual state laws, but in contacting other states this is how it has been across the board. The husband in this case could also paya private agency to establish paternity. u can google Paternity tests, most online sights offer kits with "Legal Services" to get papers that will stand up in court. Average cost is 200 to 300 bux for a kit. I actually did it to prove i wasnt the father of a child of an ex. so it may help him out. any mroe questions feel free to ask

---

I'm sorry and this should be addressed as "in my State."

In NYS online kits, testing NOT performed by order of a Court, are NOT legal evidence and usually will not be admitted. No sense in suggesting that OP pay for testing when it may not be admissible.

I realize you are trying to help but you didn't answer the OP's question.

Scott addressed the other issues.

Agree with Scott it is on a case by case basis and individual state laws apply. I still say get an attorney. Go to Court, establish joint custody through a Court Order not through verbal agreements on the phone with the ex, if you're REALLY worried about the paternity piece, request a test in court. You can't argue with a Court order... in most cases

Definitely do not rely on verbal agreements. But a court is not likely to make any decision until paternity is established.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by randomwcuman

i work for Social Service in Morth Carolina. he needs to talk with an attorney about relinquishing his parental rights, i can tell you it has to be done in whatever state the child/ children are residents of. So it may behoove him to get a family attorney in that state. A local Social Services or Department of Human Services may also be able to help with resources. Also he needs to speak with an a ttorney about establsihing paternity. If she wants child support he needs to tell her to get a Court order, He can argue paternity, then they willl Court Order a Genetic test. If it's his they will order child support, if it isnt. If u have further questions i may be able to help

---

Does the fact that the mother is bi polar have anything to do with whether my husband can get full or joint custody of the child? Also does the mother have to be married to her boyfriend in order for my husband to sign over his rights to the boyfriend? And if they decided to go that route, what would my husband be responsible for?

If the mother marries her boyfriend and after a year wants to adopt the kid then your husband could have his rights terminated to give way for the adoption. At which point your husband would not be responsible for anything because he would no longer be the legal father the adoptive father would be his legal father. However, if the stepdad does not want to adopt it can't be forced on him. Has the mother been diagnosed as bipolar? If so then is she getting treated for it? If she is then it won't really have anything to do with your husband getting custody. He is already entitled to joint Legal custody he just can't have joint Physical custody really because the two of them live too far apart. Unless he can prove her to be unfit then he would get physical custody but that will take more than being bipolar she would have to seriously neglect the kid and he would have to have proof of it.

The bipolar could be a factor if its not controlled and she has had episodes where she is a danger to those around her.

As I said earlier, a TPR is usually granted to clear the way for an asoption.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stinawords

If the mother marries her boyfriend and after a year wants to adopt the kid then your husband could have his rights terminated to give way for the adoption. At which point your husband would not be responsible for anything because he would no longer be the legal father the adoptive father would be his legal father. However, if the stepdad does not want to adopt it can't be forced on him. Has the mother been diagnosed as bipolar? If so then is she getting treated for it? If she is then it won't really have anything to do with your husband getting custody. He is already entitled to joint Legal custody he just can't have joint Physical custody really because the two of them live too far apart. Unless he can prove her to be unfit then he would get physical custody but that will take more than being bipolar she would have to seriously neglect the kid and he would have to have proof of it.

---

The mother called my husband yesterday and after a discussion said that her new boyfriend would be willing to adopt the child. They however, are not married yet. The mother has been diagnosed as bil polar and receives a check from the state every month for her condition. She has threatened to cut herself and supposedely tried to kill herself to keep my husband from leaving while they were still together. She stated she was in the hospital, but would not give my husband the hospital or room number so he could visit her. She is just very manipulative and causes a lot of drama. She has two other children whose fathers are not involved in their lives. Ultimately, my husband is just struggling with the issue because he knows she is a little off and it will get very messy before it gets any better. Also if the baby is determined to be his, are there any orders that will allow the father to send the child what he needs instead of actual cash? He definetely would not have a problem sending clothing, pampers, toiletries, etc. We just don't know what direction to turn in and don't have the money for an attorney at this time.

There really are no orders for sending stuff rather than money. He could ask to pay through the court (a wise choice) so it is easier to have all his records of payments then if he find out the child is going with out the necessitited he can call child services. Really he just needs to get into court asap so that the court will order the test and he can see if it really is his or not then the judge will order anything else from there but first things first he has to get the ball rolling.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jamel913

The mother called my husband yesterday and after a discussion said that her new boyfriend would be willing to adopt the child. They however, are not married yet. The mother has been diagnosed as bil polar and receives a check from the state every month for her condition. She has threatened to cut herself and supposedely tried to kill herself to keep my husband from leaving while they were still together. She stated she was in the hospital, but would not give my husband the hospital or room number so he could visit her. She is just very manipulative and causes alot of drama. She has two other children whose fathers are not involved in their lives. Ultimately, my husband is just struggling with the issue because he knows she is a little off and it will get very messy before it gets any better. Also if the baby is determined to be his, are there any orders that will allow the father to send the child what he needs instead of actual cash? He definetely would not have a problem sending clothing, pampers, toiletries, etc. We just don't know what direction to turn in and don't have the money for an attorney at this time.

---

Unless she's a danger to the child she will "probably" not lose custody. Your husband would have to file for custody and subpoena medical records.

Her boyfriend cannot adopt the child unless her boyfriend is a legal spouse for one year. Is your husband thinking of allowing the husband of this woman, who he believes to be unstable, to adopt his child?

No, the Court will require money to be sent - the Court isn't going to get tangled up in reviewing receipts and the like to make sure a certain dollar amount is met. Support isn't just used to buy things - it's also used to pay rent, utilities, food.

I think your husband has to file to determine DNA and custody as well as support. As you said, the longer he waits, the longer this drags on, the worse it will get. You do not need an Attorney to file in family court.