Okay, I'm not quite sure where to start on this, but I'm trying. Moved to be closer to my girls family since she had been away from them for almost 5 years. We move back and her mother is a great person, but annoying and crazy.

We (my girl and I) were experiencing problems, but kept it all to ourselves. Her parents knew that we were having some problems, but didn't know exactly what was going on. So fast forward to the last few days. I had a close call on the job, and whatever... anyways, I am on admin leave for 4 days presently.

Moving on, everyone is freaking out and everything. Her family, mostly her mom has been hovering over us for the past few days. So, she corners me on Monday and says that I do not care about her daughter because I will not quit my job... first of all, she doesn't know anything about my job at all... and she assumes a lot of things. She starts asking me if my girl and I are still having problems and I say no, I don't want to talk about it. I respect her enough not to ask about problems with her marriage... so I expect the same respect in return.
After saying that I don't want to talk about these problems, because it's not any of her business, she continues to bring it up and I got angry and respectfully explained her that she needed to drop the subject.

We go to town from her house and she starts bringing up religion. Now, I don't talk religion with anyone, because there's no way to say who's right... same with political beliefs. Anyway, after saying that I don't feel comfortable talking about it, she continues to talk about it.

Okay, so now to the BIG problem... I bring this up to my girl and she says that I don't have any right or reason to be upset about things her mother wants to talk about to me and it's within her rights to ask what is going on in our relationship. We come from two completely different families... hers is really clingy and needy... in everyone's business all the time... mine minds their own business until you ask for help...

How should I handle this? It's causing problems between me and my girl, and it's getting old...

Communication is really all there is to do at this point...

Not with her mother, not with her faimly, just with her. You need to talk to her and explain to her why it bothers you and what exactly her mother is doing that bothers you. The let her tell you why she feels it is within her mother's right to ask these questions...

From the way you described it, it sounds like the discussion that you and your girl had wasn't the most constructive conversation. In fact, it sounds like it was more of an argument than anything (forgive me if I'm mistaken).

I think a cool, collected, logical conversation is the best approach to this situation. As the most important relationship right now is between you and her, straighten that out first. Once you have an understanding, you and your girl together can address her mother and deal with that as you see fit...

The issue is not her mother or her family but about how the two of you resolve the issues of what to do about your own feelings and expectations. As you said, your from different back grounds so must work co operate to make this work for you both.

As Bigbird has said, communications is the best route to go, and whether its comfortable or not, must be discussed.

From experience, I can tell you just being respectfully of mom, and not try to win any arguments, will go a long way in diffusing her influence. You don't have to even respond, just a simple I hear ya mom, is all you need. When you, and your female are alone, and happy with each other, and no outside pressure from defending yourself, you will see what I mean.

Tal is right, just play nice nice with her and say what needs to be said to her. If you try to win arguments it will only add more fuel to the fire. Everything will get better in time and once you 2 move away.

I agree with what everyone else has said. However, I feel that your personal relationship with her is both of your business and should not include her mother. You both are not married or engaged... you are seriously dating and for right now her family needs to give you both space and let you deal with decisions yourselves.
I have a friend who is going through something similar with her mother in law. Her mother in law is in her business all the time and it drives her nuts! And yes, it has caused unwanted arguing between herself and her husband which has not been good. You need to try and move away like Rome said... that's what my friend had to do and things have gotten better for her.

I pretty much agree with what has been said so far, but how old are the two of you? And as the mother of a daughter, depending on the problems you two are having, a mother is going to want to know about what is affecting her child. For instance if there is abuse, you bet I'm going to want to know.
You two need to discuss family things, get an understanding about how family members will interact with you two. If you are not in agreement on these things, you can't make something happen that just "won't"
Get an understanding, then ask yourself if it's worth it.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I pretty much agree with what has been said so far, but how old are the two of you? And as the mother of a daughter, depending on the problems you two are having, a mother is going to want to know about what is affecting her child. For instance if there is abuse, you bet I'm going to want to know.
You two need to discuss family things, get an understanding about how family members will interact with you two. If you are not in agreement on these things, you can't make something happen that just "won't"
Get an understanding, then ask yourself if it's worth it.

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Under no circumstances is there abuse of any kind... yeah, we argue and everything... but in NO WAY could I ever abuse her. She is 24 and I'm 28... her mother is very clingy and needy... she cries because she says that no one ever does what she wants to do and lays guilt trips on everyone to get them to feel sorry for her.

Prime example... today I am working (I'm still a police officer for the next two weeks) and just got off leave... anyways, her mother calls me and wants to know if I can talk her daughter into doing something with her this weekend. I told her that she is busy taking a hunters safety course (which is true) and she became very offensive saying that it's not fair that her daughter is always doing what her father wants to do. I explained to her that she is only doing what she is interested in, and nothing else... there's nothing wrong with that... and of course, she started to cry saying that we don't spend enough time with her, etc... WE MOVED 500 MILES TO BE CLOSER TO HER...

I talked to my girl about it, and she doesn't seem to understand and says that her mom has every right to know what is happening... I disagree... we didn't fight about it, but we had a very constructive conversation about it which seemed to help.

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Originally Posted by Guidostern

Under no circumstances is there abuse of any kind...yeah, we argue and everything...but in NO WAY could I ever abuse her. She is 24 and I'm 28...her mother is very clingy and needy...she cries because she says that no one ever does what she wants to do and lays guilt trips on everyone to get them to feel sorry for her.

Prime example...today I am working (I'm still a police officer for the next two weeks) and just got off of leave...anyways, her mother calls me and wants to know if I can talk her daughter into doing something with her this weekend. I told her that she is busy taking a hunters safety course (which is true) and she became very offensive saying that it's not fair that her daughter is always doing what her father wants to do. I explained to her that she is only doing what she is interested in, and nothing else...there's nothing wrong with that...and of course, she started to cry saying that we don't spend enough time with her, etc....WE MOVED 500 MILES TO BE CLOSER TO HER....

I talked to my girl about it, and she doesn't seem to understand and says that her mom has every right to know what is happening...I disagree...we didn't fight about it, but we had a very constructive conversation about it which seemed to help.

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Your problem is your girl friend. If she is wanting to take her mom's side, don't get mad at the mom. Mom is blood, you are boyfriend. I'm not saying she is right, but that is the way it is.
You need to ask yourself if you want to deal with this, if this girl is worth it, because the situation is not likely to change.

Yeah, I understand where you are coming from saying that she's the problem, but she at times gets just as aggravated about it as I do... she just doesn't like to talk about her mom. When we first got together, she said that she hated her mom... just because of stuff like this... and of course, in a year or so she'll want to move somewhere else so she can get away from her mom again. We'll work on it and eventually get past it.

It's not deciding whether I want to deal with the BS... it's taking care of the problem and letting her know that I'm not going to let someone else, even if it is her mother, into my personal life.

I didn't get to read a lot of the posted answers but PLEASE READ THIS:
My relationship with my soon-to-be-ex started similar to yours. Just a little bit of nosy and a little bit of disregard to my feelings or my requests. But after 10 years of marriage to a man whose family needed to be into everything even from half-way around the world, I have had it and can't take it anymore. They've had things to say about my health, whether I should have kids and when, where and when I work, whether I can go back to school, with whom I can be friends, etc. etc. etc...
They even took all of my new clothes (with the tags still on) and sold them. They took all of my wedding gifts (still in the boxes) and returned them for cash and gifted some. They went into my parents' home (where my husband and I had been staying) and they cleaned the place out. And even after four years of my not talking to any of them of having anything to do with them, and even after the fact that they have never met my nine year old daughter, they are still causing all kinds of problems between my husband and me.
This is why I have finally decided that we need to get a divorce. When you said that your girl told you that you can't get upset by what her mother wants to talk about or if she wants to get into your business I cringed. My advice to you is RUN!! RUN AND KEEP RUNNING!! DO NOT LOOK BACK AND DO NOT STOP RUNNING!

Well, this situation just came up recently... we've been together for 5 years and never had this problem. Her parents are some of the best people I have met. Granted, my situation is not nearly as bad as yours. The primary problem is her mother... she likes to corner people and ask them about their private lives. A great scenario is about 2 years ago we were spending Christmas with her family. It's Christmas Eve and her mother starts to ask me how my father died... I got so mad I could barely look at her and left... So the primary problem is that she asks inappropriate questions which she should not be concerned with... I don't plan on running... I plan on getting us moved further away like we were before... these problems didn't start until we moved 2 hours away from all of her family.

She is the girl's mother and it is up to her to not allow it, not you. When and if your girl gets tired of it she will deal with it.
Again the problem is not so much the mother, but what your girl is allowing her to do. She is not likely going to take a stand against her mother for a boyfriend, which IMO she shouldn't unless the mother is just way off base.