Ask Me Help Desk - Interesting.being married to someone who is

A drug addict. Then he wonders why I am over weight. So here it goes.. My husband is a drug addict. I knew a bit before we got married 11 years ago. I knew that he used maybe once or twice. It was only until a year or two after being married that I got a grasp of the issue. Now keep in mind we dated for 7 years and I finally told him that we either need to get married or move on. We broke up a couple times when dating and I had found others to date. However every time I did, he must of got jeolous or something, I don't know. He bascially would hang out at my house lots and I remember one time he answered the phone when one of the guys that wanted to ask me out called. Needless to say that guy never called again. Well we did get married, I thought it was great. Then of course years later I found out what really happened on our honeymoon. He hurt his back so when we were on our honeymoon he had to see a doctor for pain pills.. See where I am going with this. I had no idea that is what he was doing, yes I think he hurt his back some but not to the extent of needing pain pills. So the years went by and he used all sorts of things but mostly pain pills. After maybe 2 years into our marriage did I learn it was a huge issue. He has struggled and struggled to stop. Now he has he is on a medication that blocks the opiates. Which is great. However, he never dealt with why he unsed in the first place. He is still depressed. Now---he is unhappy with me because of my weight. I am destroying our relationship, he will tell you. I don't take his feeling into account. I have to worry about him using almost daily. He can still take things like xanax or ritilin. He is hardly a part of the family. He hardly every does anything with my daughter or I. And when he does he doesn't have fun. He doesn't know how to have fun without the drugs. He is grumpy all the time. Well like I said he says I am destroying our marriage for being overweight. Plus the money that's my fault to when he goes and spends whatever and never tells me. Granted he may not spend a lot at once. But just a couple weekes ago he spent $60 on minithins... And he says he has kept himself in shape for me. Well maybe I should become a drug addict. How often do you see an overweight drug addict? Yes I am overweight I would love to lose 50 lbs. It is so hard though. All I know is that after I turned 30 I gained weight. I never had to watch what I ate before. Its just hard.
Anyhow---any advice or just support or comments would be appreciated.. Thanks

I would venture to say that your weight has little to do with the real issue. He is unhappy with himself. And you know how the old saying goes "Misery loves company"

He probably doesn't know how to have fun with out drugs - he has never done it. Find something that you, as a family, can do. If he concerned about your weight (and you want to change that too) ask him if he would like to workout with you or do something physical together.

Talk to him. That is the best thing you can do. Keep your lines of communication open.

My brother was a raging alcoholic for years. We finally did an intervention and he has been sober for 7 or 8 years now. When he first got sober, he started dealing with insomnia, but was always tired. His body and mind where going through a lot of changes. He had spent most of his 20's and half of his 30's in a drunken fog. He held down a job and was raising 3 kids all the while drunk. (I guess they call that a functioning drunk) Anyway, when the alcohol was gone - he didn't know what to do with himself. He had to relearn a lot of social things.

The point here is, that your husband is trying to figure out his place. He is probably struggling every day with wanting to take pills. He is unhappy and doesn't know what to do. It is easier (for some) to bring down those around them. And I think that is what he is doing to you.

Does he go to any Narcotics Anonymous meetings? I have provided a link for you to check out.

Narcotics Anonymous, NA, homepage

Also, have you thought about going to an Al-Anon meeting? You maybe thinking that this is just for families of alcoholics, but you might find it helpful as well. It is really for families that have lived with anyone with a substance abuse problem.

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

I would disagree with NowWhat in that your weight is a DIRECT result of the issue at hand and what you have been dealing with when living with an addict.

Some major counseling is needed a.s.a.p. here; both as couples and as individuals.

You want to save your marriage, but you can't do that unless you can fix you first. And YES you need fixing to. Living with an addict destroys you as a person. I know this because I've had addicts in my life.

Your husband needs help to (I know this is obvious). Both of you will need to be prepared to spend a good 2 hard years working at this, then probably another 3 years ironing out the details. If he is willing and humble about his problem and getting help, you may just be able to save your marriage.

Good luck!

By the way, you wouldn't happen to be married to Marky1112 would you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unhappily_Happy

I would disagree with NowWhat in that your weight is a DIRECT result of the issue at hand and what you have been dealing with when living with an addict.

When I say that the weight has little to do with the real issue - I mean, that he is picking at her. Using the fact that she has gained weight to avoid what is really going on. I am pretty sure that her weight gain is not the cause of a failing marriage.

I am sure the weight gain is a result of what has been going on at home.

The weight is not HIS issue, he is attacking you to keep from having to admit his own problems and deal with his own faults. He has the problems and does not wish to admit his issues, so he attacks you.

Her wieght has nothing to do with his being depressed, he is a drug addict and not getting all the drugs he wants, so he is depressed an appears to have other mental health issues. As such he has no real concern for anyone other than hisself.

Sorry but you need to be really selfish, and protective of yourself, as he will never change, or improve while he has you to fall back on.

That's right, kick his azz to the curb, and he either gets the help he needs, or drowns in his own shat. Your weight is a smokescreen for something profoundly more deadly, and drastic measures are necessary.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tarah71

a drug addict. Then he wonders why I am over weight. So here it goes.. My husband is a drug addict. I knew a bit before we got married 11 years ago. I knew that he used maybe once or twice. It was only until a year or two after being married that I got a grasp of the issue. Now keep in mind we dated for 7 years and I finally told him that we either need to get married or move on. We broke up a couple times when dating and I had found others to date. However everytime I did, he must of got jeolous or something, I don't know. He bascially would hang out at my house lots and I remember one time he answered the phone when one of the guys that wanted to ask me out called. Needless to say that guy never called again. Well we did get married, I thought it was great. Then of course years later I found out what really happened on our honeymoon. He hurt his back so when we were on our honeymoon he had to see a doctor for pain pills.. See where I am going with this. I had no idea that is what he was doing, yes I think he hurt his back some but not to the extent of needing pain pills. So the years went by and he used all sorts of things but mostly pain pills. After maybe 2 years into our marriage did I learn it was a huge issue. He has struggled and struggled to stop. Now he has he is on a medication that blocks the opiates. Which is great. However, he never dealt with why he unsed in the first place. He is still depressed. Now---he is unhappy with me because of my weight. I am destroying our relationship, he will tell you. I don't take his feeling into account. I have to worry about him using almost daily. He can still take things like xanax or ritilin. He is hardly a part of the family. He hardly every does anything with my daughter or I. And when he does he doesn't have fun. He doesn't know how to have fun without the drugs. He is grumpy all the time. Well like I said he says I am destroying our marriage for being overweight. Plus the money thats my fault to when he goes and spends whatever and never tells me. Granted he may not spend a lot at once. But just a couple weekes ago he spent $60 on minithins...And he says he has kept himself in shape for me. Well maybe I should become a drug addict. How often do you see an overweight drug addict? Yes I am overweight I would love to lose 50 lbs. It is so hard tho. All I know is that after I turned 30 I gained weight. I never had to watch what I ate before. Its just hard.
Anyhow---any advice or just support or comments would be appreciated.. Thanks

I can totally identify with your problem .I am married to an alcoholic . I too gained weight after my kids and he also blamed me for not being happy in our relationship. But guess what that's all bull . His addiction is what made him unhappy not my weight. Once he finally realized and admitted he had a problem and went into a program, it was like I lost 50lbs and 10years. I am not any younger or thinner but he loves me more than ever because he is finally happy with himself and his life. Good luck try to get him help and yourself a support group . Remember only he can change his own behavior.If he ever loved you the weight really wouldn't matter as much.