Ask Me Help Desk - My husband looking at porn on the computer

My husband and I have had marriage problems stemming from two years ago when he was hiding and lying about being with another women and supposedly only talking to her. We went and are still in marriage counceling. Now This morning I have gone on to the computer and seen my husband looking up porn sites. He first said he was not then finally admitted to doing it. My counsler says this is a problem my husband thinks its no big deal people do it all the time. For me I have no trust and because he lies and is sneaky how do I know if he is not being with someone else behind my back. I know he watches the videos but the computer he kept a secret I even asked him about it two weeks ago because he was acting funny. All denials. He says no big deal. What do I do Ifeel no trust and don't know what to believe anymore.

Thanks for any help

Ignore! Ignore! And it will b allright sex is such a thing it can not go from our thoughts because we r its product... relax!

Since you both are in marriage counselling, it would be a good idea to just talk to the counselor about your marital complaints.

The idea is to ultimately be able to talk calmly about what is going on and hopefully be able to negotiate a way to live together as adults without friction and arguments... or whatever goals you have set for yourselves.

Don't look for reasons to be hurt. Instead of wanting to adopt the role of victim, use your energy to build yourself up, girl! You can be a happy, healthy woman who makes good choices.

My very best wishes to you,

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonnie1965

My husband and I have had marriage problems stemming from two years ago when he was hiding and lying about being with another women and supposedly only talking to her. We went and are still in marriage counceling. Now This morning I have gone on to the computer and seen my husband looking up porn sites. He first said he was not then finally admitted to doing it. My counsler says this is a problem my husband thinks its no big deal people do it all the time. For me I have no trust and because he lies and is sneaky how do I know if he is not being with someone else behind my back. I know he watches the videos but the computer he kept a secret I even asked him about it two weeks ago because he was acting funny. All denials. He says no big deal. What do I do Ifeel no trust and dont know what to believe anymore.

Thanks for any help

What is it about his viewing pornography that is so disturbing to you? Before you talk with him about pornography, it is important that you identify what the real issue is for you (e.g. I feel disrespected, unloved, compared to, etc.). These are the issues that you need to bring up to him. Also, there is something else going on in your marriage. It seems that there has been a significant disconnect between you and your husband for sometime. This needs to be addressed.

One more question for you to think about. How has your husband's pornography consumption changed your relationship? Your perception of him? Your perception of yourself? It is critical that you make sure to not get caught up in negativity. Focus on finding solutions with your husband. Also, take care of yourself by doing self nurturing things.

Also, you mentioned that your husbands was acting funny. What was he doing? This is something that could be addressed as well. Healthy relationships don't have people acting in secret. Healthy relationships have open communication where two people can be honest about their feelings and concerns.

God bless you!

Watching porn does no harm... HOWEVER visiting sites where you interact with people in a sexual way (men and/or women) is a different thing.

Being he has done the later ( or just an affair) before you need to make sure all it is doing is watching.

Keep in mind adults need their private space. Assuming one nobody is abusing fidelity in it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Watching porn does no harm.....HOWEVER visiting sites where you interact with people in a sexual way (men and/or women) is a different thing.

Being he has done the later ( or just an affair) before you need to make sure all it is doing is watching.

Keep in mind adults need their private space. Assuming one nobody is abusing fidelity in it.

I disagree with smoothy. This lady is having a hard time trusting her husband because he is not telling the truth. Plus there is a history of other issues (i.e. secrets). If pornography is hurting someone in a relationship, should one not take that into consideration? Hurting one's spouse for pornography? Why not get the real thing rather than live in a fantasy world with people who will never give back?

I believe sex should be between you and your husband - it's intimate. He shouldn't be looking at no other naked woman! If you really love him be patient with him and most importantly pray for him. Get in a close relationship with your creator God and you will see your life comes together. Ask God to help your husband be faithful to you or to help you realize it's not going to work out. Help your hubby get close to God and if he will start a relationship with God and starts being faithful to God then don't worry about it because he will also be faithful to you. I will be praying for you your husband and your marriage nonnie1965. God Bless

Please don't take this question lightly...

Would you be OK with him looking at porn possibly even looking at it with him if he were to tell you about it?

Porn is often a fetish (though it can become an addiction), like people enjoying voyeurism, etc...

Talk to your counsel about this. Are there things going on in the porn he'd secretly like to share with you, but doesn't want to be judged for?

My thought is he has a desire that needs to be fulfilled...

PORN is not the issue.

Secrecy and lying are the issues.

Make your discussion about the latter, and not the former, and your husband may be more responsive to talking about it with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr Skinner

I disagree with smoothy. This lady is having a hard time trusting her husband because he is not telling the truth. Plus there is a history of other issues (i.e. secrets). If pornography is hurting someone in a relationship, should one not take that into consideration? Hurting one's spouse for pornography? Why not get the real thing rather than live in a fantasy world with people who will never give back?

Because of this reason. There are two adults here... this is NOT a parent Child relationship. He is as entitled to having a little porn as she is to have (pick any number of things). After all that goes with being a self supporting adults.

I'm not at all justifying his past indescretions (affairs are nearly always wrong)... but sometimes you just have to let some things go. Stewing over them just keeps them fresh and aggrivating. They decided to stay together so dwelling in the past is doing neither of them any good. And incidentally, everyone has done something that their partner hasn't liked, as in really has not liked. Most happy people choose not to dwell on the past but look towards the future.

He might have honestly been trying to make amends and she's throwing things in his face. And nit picking on stuff adults like to do such as this won't be making things better. In fact they will make them worse. Just playing devils advocate here being that when one person has such a view they tend to present it from their perspective which is rarely without a fair share of bias. The truth tends to lie somewhere in the middle of both parties perspectives and we only have one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ConfusedInAK

Please don't take this question lightly...

Would you be ok with him looking at porn possibly even looking at it with him if he were to tell you about it?

Porn is often a fetish (though it can become an addiction), like people enjoying voyeurism, etc....

Talk to your counsel about this. Are there things going on in the porn he'd secretly like to share with you, but doesn't want to be judged for?

My thought is he has a desire that needs to be fulfilled....

Ive seen video with him and I new about it. For me its two things. He first lied when I confronted him because I saw it in the internet history the following morning I was cleaning it out. 2nd since we have had issues in the past I really have a trust issue. Two years ago this women called our house and I picked up in the kitchen and my husband picked up in bedroom she was talking like my husband and I would. I went into the bedroom and asked what the hell was going on. He says he thought it was me and did not know this person from caller ID. I had let it go until one day I called his work and the person who answered was the same first name that called our house. I confront him he still lies and then says What kind of marriage is this. Well on my birthday I get flowers sent to the house and my husband had already sent some to me at work. They say I miss you and can't stand to be without you. My first women instinct is its her. I tell my husband and he says no way maybe someone else you know. I told him he better come clean with the whole thing or I will have my cop friend investigate. He still would not come clean. I call my cop friend he goes down and scans me the info and it was her she in fact had put her cell number on the receipt so I checked the call log and sure enough my husband and her have been talking back and forth. Well my kids went shooting with dad and that women was there they say she was all over dad and he half did not pay attention. I call him and told him off and said its over I want a divorce. Over the course of time he is so sorry and says its really nothing they were just talking about guns and stuff she meant nothing to him. He says he knew I would not approve and that I never let him have girls as friends. I told him I work with a lot of guys you don't see me calling them after work. Would he approve of course not. I said I don't care if he talks to women at work but when it goes outside of work it can turn into something else. She oviously wanted something else. He begged me to not leave him and he even cried which made me feel bad. We had problems nine years prior to this I had a trust issue stemmng way back and he wanted a divorce nine years ago so I thought he tells me he never did he just said he did. Well this women at his work was talking about her sex life and then asked my husband what he was going to do about it. Well he told me two years ago he did have an affair I thought he had but did not really know I was told by another women at his work. Well I sought help and I stopped being jelouse and I trusted him 100 percent and never questioned where he went. Until two years ago. So now I feel like I have zero trust and he wanted to see counseling and promised to never hurt me again. We have seeen counsling for along time now and I have been trying but now the porn has set me again back. He says he has only looked a few times and he is just curious and was ashame to tell me and did not think I would approve.

Ah... there is way more there than I knew about...

After what you have just told me, I think you owe it to yourself to look at separation.

The fact that he brings the woman to "family" activities with his kids there to witness, is horrible...

Men do cry sometimes when they feel they are losing control of their situation... doesn't mean they mean it though... I had an ex who would cry after he beat me... did he change? no... did he mean it when he said he was sorry? Absolutely not... did he change? Nope... as far as I can tell he beats every girlfriend he has...

Your husband may not change and he may only cover his tracks more. Hard to say but it doesn't sound like he wants to change. Even through counceling something should have got through to him...

You know life is short, n, and youth is even shorter.

I recommend that you think long and hard about the character of your husband/partner; get help from someone like a pastor to help you keep your thoughts relevant and your emotions out of it.

He *may* be a bad guy; no reason to waste any more time with a bad guy. Also, you may like to be with a bad guy, so you have to get over that self-destructive urge.

No reason to spend the rest of your life b*tchin' about your husband; that is harmful to you, your children and people who know you. There may be a much better life out there for you, a much happier life if you make some changes in yourself and your life circumstances. :)

Best wishes going forward,

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonnie1965

My husband and I have had marriage problems stemming from two years ago when he was hiding and lying about being with another women and supposedly only talking to her. We went and are still in marriage counceling. Now This morning I have gone on to the computer and seen my husband looking up porn sites. He first said he was not then finally admitted to doing it. My counsler says this is a problem my husband thinks its no big deal people do it all the time. For me I have no trust and because he lies and is sneaky how do I know if he is not being with someone else behind my back. I know he watches the videos but the computer he kept a secret I even asked him about it two weeks ago because he was acting funny. All denials. He says no big deal. What do I do Ifeel no trust and dont know what to believe anymore.

Thanks for any help

My fiancé looks at porn all the time, I use to think that he was replacing me with it but now I am glad that he does! It is one less night that I will be left pissed off in the bedroom:)

You need to either find away to forgive him for past mistakes, or not. If your choice is to forgive, than you both should work on ways to be the porn in each others's life, spice it up a bit, try new things together, maybe even get some toys. I know it's sometimes hard to bounce back from a point that has been reached in a relationship but if you truly love him, then its worth the try. Make that first step,SHOCK him, do somehting sexy and crazy, do something he would never think you to do, maybe a little spice is what's needed to put his attention less on porn and more on you. I don't think porn is a bad thing at all but I do think that it something that should be enjoyed by both for it not to be a problem. I do hope that things work out for you,Good Luck...

As a wife whose husband is also addicted to porn (30yr marriage). Porn kills most relationships. I've never felt so unappreciated, ignored, alone & sexually unattractive in all my 55yrs. I work hard at staying attractive for my 7 yrs younger husband. I go to the gym, keep my weight down etc. He's been addicted for 15 years. He said he would get help but didn't. He said he was over it, but wasn't. I've given him an ultimatum, get help or I'm gone. If I'm going to feel lonely, I might as well be alone. Ultimately my trust is in God and I know He has my best interest in mind. Hopefully through counseling you and your spouse can mend the marriage, and mine too.

Hello larapture,

You are responding to a 2 years old post if you have an issue please start your own post, Thanks.

John

Quote:

Originally Posted by larapture

As a wife whose husband is also addicted to porn (30yr marriage). Porn kills most relationships. I've never felt so unappreciated, ignored, alone & sexually unattractive in all my 55yrs. I work hard at staying attractive for my 7 yrs younger husband. I go to the gym, keep my weight down etc. He's been addicted for 15 years. He said he would get help but didn't. He said he was over it, but wasn't. I've given him an ultimatum, get help or I'm gone. If I'm going to feel lonely, I might as well be alone. Ultimately my trust is in God and I know He has my best interest in mind. Hopefully thru counseling you and your spouse can mend the marriage, and mine too.

No... porn ruined YOUR marriage, not "most" marriages.

Lack of communication ruins "most" marriages.

This thread is two years old and is CLOSED.