Hi all,

New member here. Feeling particularly low on a Saturday night.

Anyway, the topic title is pretty self-explanatory. I have pretty much no friends and am constantly lonely. I'm 23 years old and should be enjoying my youth but rather, I’m upset all the time and feel like I have no one.

I wasn't always friendless. In school, I was in the 'popular group' and then I had some personal issues and started to use food as a sort of therapy. As I put on more and more weight, I started to become a different person and lost my self-esteem and confidence. I started losing contact with people because I became kind of boring and by the time school finished, I didn’t really keep in touch with anyone except one person.

When Uni started, I only found out news about the group through this one friend. She was pretty much my only connection to them. I mean, when we all went out as a group, we would talk and have fun but it’s not like we would call each other or do things alone. If I ever saw the others, it would only be because of that one friend.

After more and more time, people started to change and we drifted further apart. I did however, become closer to that one girl and we became sort of best friends. In my eyes anyway. We had tonnes in common and I felt we were like peas in a pod. However, I was often lonely back then too as sometimes, I’d be left out of outings. I’d find out about them later and cry. However, things with that one friend were generally good. She was fun and we had good times together.

A couple of years ago, I did her over pretty bad. I betrayed her in a big way and she never spoke to me again. I was destroyed. I don’t know why I did what I did. It was definitely not just one thing, but a mixture of things and emotions. Anyway, we haven’t spoken since.

For a while, I was deep in depression but then I just seemed to get out of it and felt a lot better. I got a job and started meeting people. I became much more outgoing in order to make new friends and was invited to things etc. I was often happy.

Thing is though, now I think those ‘friends’ I met at work are sick of me. They don’t really speak to me that much anymore and sometimes I find out that there were parties on that I wasn’t invited to and that they do things but don’t include me. And again, I get hurt. I don’t understand why this happens and why they get sick and tired with me? I’m a fun and outgoing person but it seems I can’t seem to really make and keep friends. I don’t know what to do?

My weight issue has gotten MUCH worse since I’m often lonely and have no social life. I feel very self-conscious and get intimidated by people and situations a lot of the time. I have tried to work on my weight but I keep failing and it‘s so frustrating because I want to change so bad! I feel like I am in a really bad place in my life right now.

I have to mention that I do have one friend that I keep in regular contact with. She’s a good person but we don’t really mesh that well. We’re different in a lot of ways and like different things. I enjoy her company but NO way near as much as the other girl I was friends with before. We don’t really see that much of each other either. Maybe once every 2 weeks or so.

I still regret what I did to my friend and keep dwelling on it and it’s driving me nuts.

Also, I have problems with holding conversations sometimes. For example, sometimes I find I have nothing to say to the other person and then it gets awkward between us and I hate it.

I don’t know what to do. I’m in a bad situation and I need help.

Can someone please offer me advice in terms of making and keeping friends and possibly tell me what I could be doing wrong when I end up boring them?

Sorry for the HUGE amount I’ve written but I needed to explain it all and get it off my chest. I hope someone has some advice for me!


Thanks.
Vanessa

Dear Vanessa,

As far as I can see, you've got two different
'issues' to fix:

* First, your habit to try to keep holding things so tight.

Let me explain: I see a connection between your weight problem
And the not fixed problem you had (have) with your friend that
You 'betrayed'.
Well, you obviously made a mistake. That's normal, you're human.
Even having a 'phase' where several mistakes are made is normal.
You shouldn't worry too much about that.
Now go to your friend – even if it's years ago – and tell her (in detail)
That you're sorry and you feel really bad even though this is
Years ago. – ... That's a normal situation, too, by the way.

Doing this, a lot of weight(!) will fall off your soul.
And as an effect, off your body, too.
As you may know, mind and body are connected.
Whereby it's always mind kind of 'leading' the affects shown
At (and in) your body and in your environment.

So the first thing you should begin to think of is the topic of
'letting go'. – You have to lose weight in a mental way before
Your body will follow...

And one of these things you better "lose" (or lets say 'clear up'
If you like that better) is the guilt you're still feeling.

In Germany the word is "Entschuldigen", which means
(please) 'take the guilt of me'. – It's the same as excuse / forgive /
Apologize.

This is important for YOU. May your friend already forgot your
'guilt' –... maybe it's not even 'valid' anymore – but anyway...
As long as YOU feel it, it IS valid. – ... No matter what.

So let things go! Don't hold everything so close. Don't take
Everything so serious or personal. (The parties etc... this HAPPENS.
Sometimes my friends party without me, too. That's okay.
... Well, in turn sometimes I party without THEM... – and so
Can you.)

Paradox as it may seems: As soon as you will let go, things will
Come to you more and more.

You see, people all like to be 'free'. Meaning as soon as somebody
Tries to reach them 'too much' they soon feel 'tied' and normally keep
Some spacing.
And the other way around: When there is 'someone who I am interested
In' (mostly 'interested' comes of similar 'interests'... ) but does NOT
Reach out for me... THEN I will.

Well, the truth is – of course – somewhere in between:
Having an 'easy' relationship (meaning "You call this week – I call
you next week" and so on) is preferred by most.

You know this from flirting: When a boy tries 'too much' the girl rejects
Him. – ... Or if a girl comes 'too small' (ALWAYS calling, always writing
Text messages etc.) then the boy will probably reject her.


This process of 'taking things easier' (meaning in other words: putting
LESS WEIGHT(!) on everything) won't happen in one day. – 
Just as you didn't lose all your friends from one day to another.

But the natural 'law of growth' will set in and soon you'll have new friends.
(And as an effect of this process, your weight will follow).
- - - - -


* Second, – and this goes hand-in-hand – get more contents into your life.

I'm talking about anything that you're interested in.
Become an expert on anything you love. – You may even are an expert on
Anything you're not aware of... you may be not. I don't know.

Maybe there is something you always wanted to know?
Well, start today by getting to know it!

However, get any "contents" into your life. This could be books, or music,
Special kinds of movies (selected; not just 'any' movies), education of
Any kind. – ... Anything you wish.

Then get deeper into that stuff you like.


Within that 'content'-thing several things will happen:

1) You'll be more happy because you'll think about things you love.

2) You'll be more self-conscious because you'll realize that you are
Whole. – That you're worth enough by yourself.
And others are just an 'addition' to your life for your fun.

3) You'll have stuff to talk to. – ... Stuff you like.

4) You'll attract others who like the same stuff or similar.

5) You'll forget about eating and will only eat when you're really
Hungry.

- - - - - -

If 'letting go' (see 'first') on the one hand and 'pulling in' (see 'second')
On the other hand, you'll be much happier I pretend.

Best
Justus

P.S.: Where are you from & what are you interested in?
If you like, drop me a mail. :)

I'm probably the LAST person who can help you with making and keeping friends, (read my posts, you'll see what I mean... ), but I can help you with my own story. If you can take the time to check out the post, "Why isn't anyone my cup of tea", (I hope I remembered that exactly!).

I also had weight issues and was in a bad place in my life. Not being able to connect w/ anyone in my town... or when I did I couldn't seem to make it last or work, (or rather I chose to end it. I couldn't continue being "friends" w/ people I didn't really like and it was making me feel gross, like desperate).

I decided that I needed to figure myself out. I needed to make life ABOUT ME and what would make me happy. I began losing weight... and the focus was me, like a project. It took up most of my free time, which in turn took my mind off the people that didn't "exist" in my life. I began to notice that the less needy I felt the more people became attracted to me. Now that I've lost all the weight (took 2 months of hard work) I feel confident again, (confidence attracts people... TONS of 'em!). I'm still in "me mode", my attention is still on keeping myself busy w/ exercise and everything else I do to stay focused on making me the best I can be... Everything that upset me in the past is cleared up w/ everything I give myself superficially... essentially it feeds my soul. I feel better about myself because I put myself FIRST. Everyone around me sees how happy I am... and they all want some of what I got... lol! I am attracting more and more people... (thing is I'm not interested in connecting anymore w/ anyone in this broken town, FINALLY).

Maybe if you start to heal yourself from within you'll begin to care enough about your body and self. This will snow ball into centering yourself and bringing your ownership out. You have the choice how you want to look and feel around people. Take the time to be selfish enough to OWN your quality of life and take control and action!

You won't regret putting yourself first... it's a gift that proves you love yourself enough.

All you need is one good friend in life... If you join some kind of art class, maybe pottery, (or something to that effect... ), you can meet people. Or a gym... tennis... book club.. etc. The opportunities open up.

Work mates are much like neighbors... you need to get along but you don't need to be friends. Keep it copasetic there, no drama. It's unfortunate that you are feeling left out, but it's not the end of the world. Just know that you HAVE to work w/ these people for a very long time. It's hard to continue to like people you HAVE TO see day in and day out. Just keep it friendly...

As far as your old friend that you "burned" in some way... LET THAT PUPPY GO! It's done... You can give her a call, if you must, and try and iron that out... but chances are she's done w/ you and to call her up with the hopes of rekindling the relationship is another opportunity to have your morale crushed. I don't think you're in the right state of mind right now. Wait and do this one when you are feeling strong and empowered. If she snubs you, you will still walk away knowing you did the right thing and feeling confident that her not wanting to restart the old relationship is fine by you. That your intentions were honorable and not for the purpose of trying to make a friend.

Perhaps hit the library... sit w/ a cup of coffee and pour over some self help books. You can take control over your life. It's YOURS to do what you want with... Know that and take the reigns!

Good luck. I really wish the best for you...

I have to agree with previous posts that you sound like you have more than one issue. I have two suggestions. I joined weight watchers quite some time ago and if you can find a good group leader it can be one of the most helpful ways to lose weight. Also, you can meet people in your same position and maybe develop some friendships there while losing weight. Secondly, find things that interest you and join those groups. If you like to read join a book club, bowling join a league, etc. These are great ways to meet new people and are always good friends as you know they have the same interests. Finally don't be afraid to be alone occasionally. When I find myself alone on a Saturday evening and maybe feeling a little lonely, I will go to a movie. Nothing wrong with sitting in the theater alone. I have been married 32 years and even with a partner can feel very much alone. Unfortunately, this is a part of life and doesn't have to be so bad, just find those things that can keep you busy and work through it. Good Luck and God Bless

First, I think you need to be in treatment for depression over the long term so that you can work through nthe other things in your life with which you are dissatisfied without spiraling into sadness if you have a lonely time for a while, or have disappointments.

Second, you need to be a good friend to yourself and start with what you are able to control. Work on your physical health because you don't need other people to do that. Exercise is great for managing depression and making yourself feel better, and is something active you can do either alone or with other people. IT's also a step in the right direction - it seems you aren't sure how to make friends, but you feel you're weight is out of control. That we all know can be fixed simply with diet, exercise and time. So, start on it... then as you figure out your social life you'll be busy getting ready for it!
Weight watchers is a great idea, too and go to the groups every week - don't do it on line. You need to get out among people!

I suggest you apologize to the friend you treated badly. Sometimes we take our worst feelins out on the people we love the most - just ask any mother with teenagers! Make your objective to make your friend feel better, not yourself. If you get nothing else out of it, you will know you did something for another person and tried to correct your mistake. That's all any of us can do, and all of us have hurt or disappointed someone else at one time or another in life.

As for the friend you still have, she has some qualities you enjoy. Good enough. The people at work - if they are pleasant and you see them on occasion, let that be enough. Don't expect more than People can give. They may not connect as much with you as with someone else at work - it's nothing about you, it has to do with the other people. Your friends are out there too, you just haven't found them yet. So, be patient and enjoy the best of the people you know in the meantime. Let them be enough as they are.

As you start working out at a gym, and going to weight watchers, and apologizing to your lost friend, and being accepting of the people who are in your life, and focus on taking care of yourself instead of about how bad you feel about yourself, you will find things will start changing, little by little for you. I think if you have time, you should also consider volunteering to do something that has meaning to you. It's a great way to meet people, and even if you don't meet people, you will have something other than yourself and your problems to think about and talk about!

Lonliness is perhaps the worst feeling I've ever experienced, but it does not have to last forever! I remember being very lonely in my 20s, though I had countless close friends and a great family. I wanted that "relationship" and it eluded me at that age for a long time. Just hang in there... work on yourself and do for others and this, too, shall pass. You will be OK!

You have to start by having self confidence, and then get out there and tackle the situation, don't sit home and be sad about it. Go out and try new classes, go to a happy hour by yourself etc. Read "The Secret" it will help you a lot and make you realize you can get almost anything in life if you manifest.

My story is slightly different I used to go out with friends a lot after school and when I finished school starting work met lots of people there and made a few best friends but as depression got hold of me my friends well one in particular was there but gradually distance herself she would only get in contact if I did first she would say she would come visit and then never show I gave up after a while and as things got worse in my life I began to feel alone with no one to talk to then all of a sudden my friend asked me out one evening I was thrilled I even met the guy I am with now officially 2years this month! But she seemed to be annoyed with me being with anyone and these days it's a case of "yeah we will need to meet soon defo :)" and "missing ya how u been?" but nothing comes of it even meeting new people is hard and its just a horrible feeling espcially when my boyfriend has so many friends I feel embarrassed I have none I am not overweight I eat right am I am not blowing my own trumpet but I have been told I am a good looking girl however my insecurities don't let me believe it so I understand