Why God? Why am I breathing?
We've been dating for 7 years. We've been through a lot, more than we both can put behind us. I am to needy, I don't leave the house, I don't work, or have any friends, So I rely on him for all my happiness. I have pushed him away, he doesn't spend time with me, he is not compassionate, affectionate. He breaks all his promises and doesn't keep his word. He is secretive, mentally abusive, physically abusive. He won't call all day. Even after he has gotten off work at 2:30 and now its 9 p.m. He acts as if everything should be fine when he gets home, he never talks about what he has been doing, and he never ask me about my day. I will let him know what I need and he will take it all away. He will not give in, I have to, if he thinks I am still in a bad mood, he will treat me awful, and its OK for him to do this to me. He makes me feel bad about myself, how I talk and look. Says I am mentally crazy, that I am stupid, I am not a good friend.
Then he will say I love you, why don't you believe me, I want us to be together. I have ran off my family, because they are tired of the way he treats me, and I will not leave him. I have a few times, but we always get back together. But now after all that has happened this past year, I am now having severe depression, I don't ever leave my house, I have no one to talk to. I am here at this house 24/7. I am not the same person as I use to be. I loved going out, working, spending time with family. Now, I barely go outside. I sit in here all day being sad, tired, abandoned.
I am doing all the wrong things according to Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars. I was never taught how to be a woman to a man. Now I think it is to late for me and John, he has even said that I am pushing him away, and boy does he show it. I have a lot of anger issues from my past still. Mainly toward my mother for not being a better mother and teaching me how to be a better citizen, and a better person. All she taught was anger, abuse, abandonment, hate, and guilt.
I have been a self destructing person all my life. The cycle never ends, I am doomed to be unhappy, and to make everyone else unhappy and to hate me. THat is all I am good for.
I guess my question would be, is how after all these years, the first time in your life you have been settled for more than just a couple of years. Just give up on all that I know. What do I do, where do I go? I have nothing and no one, I need a support group, but I won't leave the house, because I don't want to be around people. I am afraid to go out their. What is wrong with me? I have never felt this way before. I hate how it feels.
I just don't want to carry on, but for some reason God wants me here, I should have died a few years ago, no way should I still be breathing, but yet here I am. But for what reason, to live in torture? like the rest of my life has been, he has seen (God) what I am, and that I can not change, yet he still made me breath, why?