Ive got a website that is too large for dialup/256kb users to load (and they leave before it fully loads). I then reduced the size (pictures/quality, flash removal) so they could load it quick, then the higher connection users say that it looks too unprofessional.

My idea is to have to index page to check the users connection, and then automatically redirect the user to a different page based on their connection (e.g. how long it took them to load a specific stored picture or script). I know that the easy option is to simply ask them what their connection speed is (or ask what quality they would like to load) in the index page.. but I would like it done automatically (because trust me, tthese people might even leave just because they would have to choose their connection option :( )

How would I do this (what software would I need)??

(hoping LTheobald will answer this hehe)

It's easy enough to do. Take a look at this page here to get you started (the 2nd page link is wrong, so just change the URL in the address bar). Just remember to have a backup plan for those people who don't have javascript enabled.