Ask Me Help Desk - Grand Parents Situation

If this is the wrong area, please move it. Thanks

Ok here is the situation. My girlfriend has 2 kids by another guy from a previous marriage, they have been divorced for 2 years. Well her and I are living together with the girls(ex is in rehab) and we are curious how to handle the grand parents situation. They are his parents, which are divorced and both remarried. She was living with the grandmother until she was kicked out, they both claim they want to be in their grandchildrens life, which we are OK with. Here's the problem, she works Friday and Saturday nights and that's when they would see them. One would take them Friday night and the other on Saturday night. She would be required to drop them off and pick them up from each place, totalling about 80 miles in a weekend. She is struggling to make ends meat now. What we are afraid of is the grandparents saying she is pawning the girls on them over the weekend.

We have thought of 2 options to this situation.

1. We send a polite text asking how they would like to rework the visitation in the way that they pick up the girls from the other and we pick them up at that place on Sunday.

Or

2. We let them contact us about seeing the girls, as to have documented proof that they are asking to see the girls rather than just assumming this is what they want. So if things get ugly, which we think they will, they can't go to a judge claiming we pawn them off every weekend.

Any ideas? Or other options

Would you mind elaborating on why you would think "things would get ugly" it could help in answering your question. Thanks in advance.

Because they think she is doing the wrong thing with moving on with her life and moving in with me with the girls. They have been treating her like crap since she started seeing me because it means their son is no longer in her picture. When she broke the news about her moving out after she received threatening texts from her ex's sister, the grandmother flipped out on her saying "you're being selfish and not thinking of the girls" and "do you know what this is going to do to *her ex*"

I think its instict they treated her badly, she was removing the children, herself and stepping away from their son.Ideally they felt threatened, hurt and betrayed and acted on those feelings. Common, but wrong. The waters are settling and all of you are taking the first step at reaching a truce. I wouldn't commit to every weekend that's quit excessive and I would tell them that. After I reassured them that I respected their relationship, I am sorry if I hurt you and was glad we could get along for the kids. I think by communicating everyone will feel much better and there will be no need to think you will have to keep notes on conversations and visitations.

What do you think? Wouldn't it be easier on everyone and less stressful?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

If this is the wrong area, please move it. Thanks

Ok here is the situation. My girlfriend has 2 kids by another guy from a previous marriage, they have been divorced for 2 years. Well her and I are living together with the girls(ex is in rehab) and we are curious how to handle the grand parents situation. They are his parents, which are divorced and both remarried. She was living with the grandmother until she was kicked out, they both claim they want to be in their grandchildrens life, which we are ok with. Here's the problem, she works friday and saturday nights and that's when they would see them. One would take them Friday night and the other on Saturday night. She would be required to drop them off and pick them up from each place, totalling about 80 miles in a weekend. She is struggling to make ends meat now. What we are afraid of is the grandparents saying she is pawning the girls on them over the weekend.

We have thought of 2 options to this situation.

1. We send a polite text asking how they would like to rework the visitation in the way that they pick up the girls from the other and we pick them up at that place on Sunday.

or

2. We let them contact us about seeing the girls, as to have documented proof that they are asking to see the girls rather than just assumming this is what they want. So if things get ugly, which we think they will, they can't go to a judge claiming we pawn them off every weekend.

Any ideas? or other options

As far as #1 on the list.. no. You don't ask that of them because if they have divorced then Im sure they don't want to see each other.

For the milage thing then maybe you could ask for them to meet you 1/2 way as a compromise. ( that's fairly common in most custody situations )

2) what you really need to do is look up your state's rights for grandparent access. Not many states have " grandparents rights ". Another thing is try not to add to the situation because Im sure its tense and new all around. If she wishes for the grandparents to see the children and that's also their wish then a little compromise could lead the way.

I am for making it clear with them that you and her are being nice and doing them a favor allowing them to see the child, and that if there is any problem you will cut that visit off.

Next I would see if one would do one weekend and the other the next, so there is not so much shuffle of the child.
But they should be doing the one shuffle if not.

Also, they hate to see her happy especially since their son is where he is at. When and if they go see them don't allow them to talk bad about you nor their mother like the dad. I agree with fr_chuck if they want to see them let them met your half way or you and the mom can drop them off and they can bring them home, something like that.

I found something for you.
New Jersey's Grandparents' Visitation Statute, N.J.S.A. 9:27.1, allows a grandparent residing in New Jersey to make an application for visitation. The grandparent must prove that visitation is in the best interests of the child. In making this determination, the court must consider eight factors, including:

The relationship between the child and the grandparent
The relationship between the parents and the grandparents
The time that has elapsed since the child last saw the grandparent
The effect that such visitation will have on the relationship between the child and the child's parents
If the parents are divorced or separated, the time sharing arrangements that exist between the parents with regard to the child
The good faith of the grandparent filing the application
Any history of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or neglect by the party making application
Any other factor relevant to the best interest of the child
The starting point for any grandparent visitation case is whether it will serve the best interests of the child. Courts carefully consider the length of the relationship and the frequency of actual contact as primary evidence that the relationship should be preserved. Finally, the court will look at the "totality of the circumstances" when it rules on any grandparent visitation application.

Enforcement of Grandparent Visitation Rights
A grandparent has to file an application with the county court house and request visitation with the grandchildren. The complaint will then be served on the parent(s). Thereafter, the court will set the case down for a case management conference. At this court hearing, the judge will make a sincere attempt to try to mediate a settlement. The judge may also refer the case to mediation. Mediation is the hot new trend in grandparent visitation cases. Mediation is an excellent way to resolve bitter grandparent visitation disputes. The court may also set the case down for a plenary hearing. At the hearing, both parties will be permitted to present evidence that supports grandparent visitations or evidence that proves that grandparent visitation would not be in the child's best interest.

If the case is sent to mediation, it will be heard in approximately 30 to 60 days. The mediator is usually a member of the probation department. Lawyers usually are not permitted to attend the mediation session. If the mediation is not successful, the case will be sent back to the family court for a disposition.

The arguments for grandparent visitation rights
Grandparents may provide a stabilizing role in their grandchildren's lives, particularly after a divorce or crisis (such as the death of a parent).
Where grandparents have been involved in a child's life, it can be traumatic for the child to suddenly be denied access.
The mere fact that parents are divorced, or that the grandparent's child dies or is incarcerated, should not automatically serve to grant the custodial parent the right to sever a positive relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren.

The arguments against grandparent visitation rights
The state has no business interfering with the child-rearing decisions of competent parents, even if the parent determines that grandparent visitation will not be permitted.
Some grandparents are excluded from their grandchildren's lives for good cause, for example, where they were abusive to their own children and cannot be trusted with the grandchildren. Some grandparents interfere with ordinary parental decision-making or bad mouth one or both parents to the grandchildren, and create unnecessary aggravation.
If a conflict exists between the parents and the grandparents, any court interference could destabilize the home environment for the children.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

If this is the wrong area, please move it. Thanks

Ok here is the situation. My girlfriend has 2 kids by another guy from a previous marriage, they have been divorced for 2 years. Well her and I are living together with the girls(ex is in rehab) and we are curious how to handle the grand parents situation. They are his parents, which are divorced and both remarried. She was living with the grandmother until she was kicked out, they both claim they want to be in their grandchildrens life, which we are ok with. Here's the problem, she works friday and saturday nights and that's when they would see them. One would take them Friday night and the other on Saturday night. She would be required to drop them off and pick them up from each place, totalling about 80 miles in a weekend. She is struggling to make ends meat now. What we are afraid of is the grandparents saying she is pawning the girls on them over the weekend.

We have thought of 2 options to this situation.

1. We send a polite text asking how they would like to rework the visitation in the way that they pick up the girls from the other and we pick them up at that place on Sunday.

or

2. We let them contact us about seeing the girls, as to have documented proof that they are asking to see the girls rather than just assumming this is what they want. So if things get ugly, which we think they will, they can't go to a judge claiming we pawn them off every weekend.

Any ideas? or other options

First I would totally back off - this is not your problem at the moment. Your girlfriend CALLS them and explains the problems and why perhaps some other visitation schedule could be worked out. The less "we" and the more "I" at this time the less the Grandparents can get offended. They see you are breaking up the marriage and taking their son's place as the girls' "father," no matter what the truth is.

Everyone has money problems - the economy is bad. They know she's a single Mom. I would think if SHE'S being a reasonable adult and they are seeing the girls every weekend without a Court Order THEY can be reasonable adults and tolerate each other while picking up and dropping the girls off from each other's houses.

Even if you are pawning them off - and I realize you are not: they are entitled to Grandparent visitation no matter what and they are most definitely not entitled to custody no matter what. So that's not an issue. I can almost guarantee that as Grandparents they would not get this much visitation by Court Order if your girlfriend said "no more visitation" and they went to Court. Plus it would cost them money. Also your girlfriend. The "pawning off" argument holds no water, makes no sense. They'd be foolish.

I'd proceed cautiously, of course, but were I the mother I would address this calmly and in a friendly fashion and leave you out of it for the moment.