Ask Me Help Desk - How do I handle this familial MESS?

My husband & I have moved out of his mom's house this summer (where husband's grown siblings also reside,) and have cut ourselves off from any relationship with them. His family is huge, and we will have no contact w/ extended family as well; they never did anything wrong, but if we "mingle" w/ them, we'd have to bump into said mother-in-law & sister-in-laws. Problem w/ them is this:
They are judgemental of us, to the point of being verbally abusive. 2 out of 3 sister-in-laws have literally threatened the physical SAFETY of our 2 small kids, (the last time it happened, it was done RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS!) That's the treatment our kids' aunts give them! (When first kid was born, one aunt had a dispute w/ my husband, and said she'd "push his little $%@@** brat down the stairs!" Our child was not even 3 months. Old at the time! At that time, sister-in-law #2 was calling my husband curse names and giving us the silent treatment otherwise. Fast-forward to birth of next child, and now aunt #2 calls their third sister (the oldest, who lives out state,) each night on the phone, & while I'm minding my own business and brushing my teeth in the bathroom, she (knowing I hear her) talks to oldest sister about our "two little BRATS", and that we are "pieces of @#%^&!" Next day, she yells down the stairs to me in front of my kids, on our way out the door, "If you EVER mess w/ the water again when I'm in the shower, your son & your daughter will get scalding hot water poured on them!" I am ALWAYS considerate of those taking a shower, when it comes to running water! In fact, I don't even think I was the culprit who did it! In shock and horror, I said nothing, and as I walked out w/ my kids & closed the door, she said "INCONSIDERATE @#$^&()*! - B_ _ _ _ _ !!!" Now, I am not perfect, nor is my husband or kids, but we are NOT instigators! When things in the house went bad, & we didn't yet have funds to move, we just stopped coming out of our bedroom that we rented. When we did come out, it was a daily barrage of verbal abuse. Mother-in-law has been verbally abusive to us since I met her 15 years ago, and has been so toward my husband since he was a child (due to the fact that she was a single, divorced mom w/ the stress of raising 4 kids,) and now he's had enough. I also have had enough of being disrespected and stepped on by his family, and threats to our kids is the last straw. It's not that I haven't always tried to get along. I asked mother-in-law for cooking tips, (with no real responses,) and to teach me to crochet, (she didn't; my grandma did instead... ) and once I learned to crochet, I made a handmade scarf of mother-in-law's favorite colors for her, which she never wore. She never ate my food, or fed it to her school-age son now living with her too, though I always said there was enough there. She couldn't be warm to me while knowing she was never able to give he own daughters that warmth... As parents, we have a responsibility to protect our kids. We didn't even let the others know where we moved to! Older sister #3 never defended us or told her younger sis she was out of line w/ the way she spoke about us, but she sent a birthday card to our kids (to great-grandma's address - the only way she now knows to contact us), telling them how much she "loves" and "misses" (underline, underline, underline) them. While we used to be amongst that side of the family, gross favoritism occurred, always at the expense of my kids - not in favor of them - but instead, in favor of sister-in-law #2's little daughter. They could walk by my kids & say nothing! Meanwhile, superficial "kindesses" occurred all along, like husband's mom buying cute sneakers for my kids for Easter, and "santa" being very generous to husband & I and our kids at Christmas. So, materially mother-in-law provided for us, but emotionally, she and all else in the house gave us the shaft, full-time. Weird, and very dysfunctional. We don't want any part of that anymore, and here's the problem; it's 2-fold:
1) How can I raise my kids in healthy manner, knowing a full 50% of their family - their ROOTS! Is MISSING!? And 2) How can I reconcile myself - as a Christian - to the fact that other members of the extended family have situations of need, situations in which me being a loving "servant" could help them, but I CAN'T be there because I'll see mother & sister-in-laws there, and me or my kids might receive threats or berating insults? What do I DO? I DON'T have peace being away from them (for the most part, yeah I do, but not totally, b'c how can I "cut people off" and have peace? It's a level of "mean" that's not in my nature! Each day I think "I should contact them and make up." But I CAN'T, because they've had NO change of heart. They didn't in the 15 years I've known them, and they've certainly had no change of heart in the 3 months we've lived elsewhere. What does GOD want me to do? Do I reconcile and try to have a relationship w/ people who are known abusers? Their behavior shouldn't be tollerated! They have faults too, but we were always still KIND toward them. We didn't treat them like dirt b'c they are imperfect! Though seeking God, and trying to do good, sister-in-law #2 said we are the "dirtiest, filthiest people she's ever had the displeasure of knowing." She told us in a note, once she was certain we'd leave that house and never look back, "Good riddance to bad rubbish." What do I do? Sorry this is long, but you had to know the full situation. And though mother-in-law is a mature adult, and the grandmother of our kids, and should "behave better", she did nothing to help. She took away our "phone use" , and withdrew from us as much as she could. Any advice?

Quote:

Originally Posted by melanthony7

My husband & I have moved out of his mom's house this summer (where husband's grown siblings also reside,) and have cut ourselves off from any relationship with them. His family is huge, and we will have no contact w/ extended family as well; they never did anything wrong, but if we "mingle" w/ them, we'd have to bump into said mother-in-law & sister-in-laws. Problem w/ them is this:
They are judgemental of us, to the point of being verbally abusive. 2 out of 3 sister-in-laws have literally threatened the physical SAFETY of our 2 small kids, (the last time it happened, it was done RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS!) That's the treatment our kids' aunts give them! (When first kid was born, one aunt had a dispute w/ my husband, and said she'd "push his little $%@@** brat down the stairs!" Our child was not even 3 mos. old at the time! At that time, sister-in-law #2 was calling my husband curse names and giving us the silent treatment otherwise. Fast-forward to birth of next child, and now aunt #2 calls their third sister (the oldest, who lives out state,) each night on the phone, & while I'm minding my own business and brushing my teeth in the bathroom, she (knowing I hear her) talks to oldest sister about our "two little BRATS", and that we are "pieces of @#%^&!" Next day, she yells down the stairs to me in front of my kids, on our way out the door, "If you EVER mess w/ the water again when I'm in the shower, your son & your daughter will get scalding hot water poured on them!" I am ALWAYS considerate of those taking a shower, when it comes to running water! In fact, I don't even think I was the culprit who did it! In shock and horror, I said nothing, and as I walked out w/ my kids & closed the door, she said "INCONSIDERATE @#$^&()*! - B_ _ _ _ _ !!!" Now, I am not perfect, nor is my husband or kids, but we are NOT instigators! When things in the house went bad, & we didn't yet have funds to move, we just stopped coming out of our bedroom that we rented. When we did come out, it was a daily barrage of verbal abuse. Mother-in-law has been verbally abusive to us since I met her 15 years ago, and has been so toward my husband since he was a child (due to the fact that she was a single, divorced mom w/ the stress of raising 4 kids,) and now he's had enough. I also have had enough of being disrespected and stepped on by his family, and threats to our kids is the last straw. It's not that I haven't always tried to get along. I asked mother-in-law for cooking tips, (with no real responses,) and to teach me to crochet, (she didn't; my grandma did instead...) and once I learned to crochet, I made a handmade scarf of mother-in-law's favorite colors for her, which she never wore. She never ate my food, or fed it to her school-age son now living with her too, though I always said there was enough there. She couldn't be warm to me while knowing she was never able to give he own daughters that warmth...As parents, we have a responsibility to protect our kids. We didn't even let the others know where we moved to! Older sister #3 never defended us or told her younger sis she was out of line w/ the way she spoke about us, but she sent a birthday card to our kids (to great-grandma's address - the only way she now knows to contact us), telling them how much she "loves" and "misses" (underline, underline, underline) them. While we used to be amongst that side of the family, gross favoritism occurred, always at the expense of my kids - not in favor of them - but instead, in favor of sister-in-law #2's little daughter. They could walk by my kids & say nothing! Meanwhile, superficial "kindesses" ocurred all along, like husband's mom buying cute sneakers for my kids for Easter, and "santa" being very generous to husband & I and our kids at Christmas. So, materially mother-in-law provided for us, but emotionally, she and all else in the house gave us the shaft, full-time. Wierd, and very dysfunctional. We don't want any part of that anymore, and here's the problem; it's 2-fold:
1) How can I raise my kids in healthy manner, knowing a full 50% of their family - their ROOTS! is MISSING!??? and 2) How can I reconcile myself - as a Christian - to the fact that other members of the extended family have situations of need, situations in which me being a loving "servant" could help them, but I CAN'T be there because I'll see mother & sister-in-laws there, and me or my kids might receive threats or berating insults? What do I DO? I DON'T have peace being away from them (for the most part, yeah I do, but not totally, b'c how can I "cut people off" and have peace? It's a level of "mean" that's not in my nature! Each day I think "I should contact them and make up." But I CAN'T, because they've had NO change of heart. They didn't in the 15 years I've known them, and they've certainly had no change of heart in the 3 months we've lived elsewhere. What does GOD want me to do? Do I reconcile and try to have a relationship w/ people who are known abusers? Their behavior shouldn't be tollerated! They have faults too, but we were always still KIND toward them. We didn't treat them like dirt b'c they are imperfect! Though seeking God, and trying to do good, sister-in-law #2 said we are the "dirtiest, filthiest people she's ever had the displeasure of knowing." She told us in a note, once she was certain we'd leave that house and never look back, "Good riddance to bad rubbish." What do I do? Sorry this is long, but you had to know the full situation. And though mother-in-law is a mature adult, and the grandmother of our kids, and should "behave better", she did nothing to help. She took away our "phone use" , and withdrew from us as much as she could. Any advice?

Boundaries - set boundaries, for this family as a way of being able to still be in touch with them but keep living away from them on your own. Arrange to meet those of the family that you choose to remain in contact with, in a neutral area. And state your boundaries very clearly, so your needs are understood. There will be no foul language spoken, there will always be conversations in a respectful and calm manner. If these and any other boundaries are crossed, you explain that you will not tolerate having yourself or your family disrespected, and leave at once. Keep to yourselves, and then, and only if you wish, initiate another meeting, at your request, making it clear what your boundaries are. It may take a while until it will become clear that you have empowered yourselves to be treated in a respectful manner. Take it from there and good luck.

Your husband's family shows signs of severe disfunction, based on your post. And you sound hurt, frustrated and angry.

You mentioned that you can't cut people off and have peace. Then you said that you can't contact them because they've had no change of heart. I see the word can't. Is it can't, or won't?

Okay, now that you're mad at me. Previous to the "can'ts" two questions were asked:
1. “How can I raise my kids in healthy manner, knowing a full 50% of their family – their ROOTS! Is MISSING?

Healthy? A child can be raised with a single parent or with just grandparents and be healthy. Why is 50% of their roots something they should have exposure to, if that 50% is unhealthy? Don't “should on yourself!” Shoulding is unhealthy.

2. How can I reconcile myself – as a Christian – to the fact that other members of the extended family have situations of need, situations in which me being a loving “servant” could help them, but I can't because I'll see mother & Sisters-in-Law there, and me or my kids might receive threats or berating insults?

Isn't being at their house similar to choosing to walk barefoot through a muddy ditch full of sharp objects? Stay out of the ditch. You can be a helpful “servant” by offering your hand, if it is asked for, in guiding them out of the ditch. I wouldn't recommend walking barefoot, so to speak, in their muddy ditch anymore.

You said that “their behavior shouldn't be tolerated!” You then mention that you were “always kind to them because they are imperfect” you did tolerate them, but with ulterior motives (of making them behave differently.) “And though mother-in-law is a mature adult and the grandmother of our kids, and should 'behave better,' she did nothing to help.” Your own expectations that she should do something to help are the main trouble.

Simple solution, but not easy. Give up your own intolerance of the imperfections you see in others. Put aside the resentments you have accumulated as they are not doing anyone any good. Question every expectation you have and ask yourself “what is my motive?” What does God want you to do? Ask Him to show you.

Whenever I see, or hear the words cant and should they invariably accompany a complaint. These words limit our ability to think clearly and ask, “what would Jesus do?”

Oh, my goodness! I appreciate your response, but I'm no less confused regarding what to do, to be honest with you. I have asked God what I should do, and started doing that when I was still living in my mother-in-law's house and things began to get really bad in that environment, and I don't know what His answer was; I couldn't hear it. I don't know if He answered at that time, and I was oblivious to it, or if He was waiting to answer me, in order to see how I would handle it, for the purpose of "molding me." I do KNOW He HEARD me. I'm not resentful of Him for not answering in a way I'd be sure not to miss; I know His ways are the best ways; I trust Him, not myself. But in the meantime, I want to make sure I'm walking in an upright manner. When you quoted my initial question, you used the quotes in an incorrect manner, I believe. You said - that I said - that I had "tolerated them because they were imperfect"... no, I didn't say that. I always tolerated them simply because that's what I do - take people's good w/ the bad. If they were "nice" to me and mine, I would never have had any issue with them at all; their faults, and their own shortcomings and weaknesses would still have existed, but would NEVER be a reason for me to run the other way from them. Everyone has their problems, and I do as well. I didn't act kindly to them IN ORDER for them to change their ways. I was ALWAYS kind to them, even when I saw they weren't willing to change their ways. My kind treatment of people is NOT conditional. That does not mean I didn't at the same time desire for their treatment of me and mine to become different. Yes, I do expect people to treat me decently, and my husband decently, and to be kind to my kids. Especially our own FAMILY! And even though family often has many rifts, a line is severely crossed when two beautiful children are brought into the family as new members, and are not welcomed, and instead are treated like dog poo beneath their shoes. Yes, for the sake of love, Jesus laid down his life for us, and we didn't deserve it, and we are expected to do the same. But I'm also expected to protect my kids, and be a good steward of those blessings given to me. I'm commanded by God to love my neighbor as I love myself. If I expose myself and my kids to that part of the family, maybe it's being loving to THEM because it shows I'm willing to "put up with their garbage," but does it show love toward my kids, as their parent? Is it loving to willingly subject them to harm, be it physically or mentally? Even if they were - hypothetically (and this may actually be the spiritual reality of the matter) - never in real physical harm: even if God allowed them to be in that situation of being physically threatened and God knew all along He would never allow anyone to lay a hand on the kids, should I then be satisfied to subject them to that in an ongoing situation? Thinking, "Oh, it's OK if they hear those things; God won't let them do anything." But they would still be HEARING their own flesh and blood TALKING tothem like THAT. What would that do to their budding self-image? "Aunt so-and-so threatened to hurt me, and Mommy didn't do anything. She lets them talk to me like that all the time." That can't be good for them. I do agree with your statement, though, that I don't actually need that other 50% of the family if those roots are destructive and dysfunctional. I can't get over the idea, though (or the fact,) that a child needs to know where & who they come from. I AM stuck on "should". The family "should" be different. The kids "should" be able to know, and be in a loving relationship with, their grandma and aunts. But that's not the way it is. I TRUST God, and KNOW it's all in His control, and He'll fix it all someday, in His own time and way. But in the meantime, while I occupy myself, what would He have me doing about all this? I keep thinking all I should and WILL do right now is stay away, totally, and pray HARD for their blessing and prosperity.

What you have decided to do, your last sentence is sound I think. In addition to praying for their blessing and prosperity, why not forgive them too. They have issues. If they weren't screwed up, they would be unafraid and kind. Be the best you can every moment. Don't waste time trying to control them.

Count the shoulds and can'ts that are part of your thoughts. Those things limit us, hold us back and make life a chore. God will take care of it.

This is a lot of drama... and it's a good idea that you no longer live w/ them. It's my opinion that you may need to consider to choose to stop fighting. It's an action. You just choose it. It takes TWO to tangle. If you are no longer participating then she's just babbling on and on at her end. Just choose to stop this inapproprate behavior.

As an adult we get to choose what we'll invest ourselves into and what we won't. Fighting like kids needs to never be an option. You know, you cannot win a fight with a "right fighter" anyhow. Why bother.

I am also sure that if you were to really think about it... that you don't really believe that any of these aunts are capable of hurting your children. I mean, be honest. A lot gets said in the heat of an ugly argument.

Stop fighting! Behavior change begins with you... you can't change how they behave but you CAN change how YOU react. Just stop...

Wave a white flag, (on the inside... ) and go to them and ask them if you'all can make up and start over. Tell them you want peace.

"ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS", behave appropiately and your relationships will change with these people. It takes ONE of you to get the ball rolling..

God is a huge supporter of love and peace... Believe in karma, "what goes around comes around" and know that as long as you continue to participate in less than respectful manners, so shall it come around and back at you.

The ownership of good behavior is in ourselves. You can't control what others do or how they react, but you can control yourself. It's on you to lead by example.

You can walk away, in the midst of anger. You can say, "We'll speak about this later when we're both calm". You can hold off saying "We'll talk when YOUR calm"... learn to use the words "We" in place of "You", so you don't sound accusitory. It's just a more respectful way... You can teach people how to treat you by leading as an example. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. It won't be easy, but then again anything worth while never is...

First off, let me say it is so wonderful to receive feedback regarding these issues!! I know my explanations are long and take time to read, and you're taking time out of your busy lives to help with my problem. I REEEEALY appreciate it! I think you got the impression, however, that there is nasty fighting between them and us. There is nothing on our part. We "nothing" them! We literally DID remove ourselves as much as we could from the nastiness and tension, and we stopped saying anything to them. When we'd come home from being out all day long, having said NOTHING to any of them, those are some of the main days I'd be in the bathroom and hear my sister-in-law bad-mouthing us on the phone, or hear her shouting cruel things to us, or the nights I'd walk into my bedroom and find a nasty note from her under our door. We knew saying anything back would get us nowhere, especially when they thrive on negative drama. Ignoring them and not spitting anger back at them (what they all do to each other on the regular,) makes them the most frustrated. My husband grew up in that house; he confesses he used to be just like them: total unrest and no peace for them if they're not picking a fight with somebody. When I was still on speaking terms with them, living in the house, I had a gynecological procedure to go through, and there was a mild "cancerous cell" scare (ended up being taken care of,) but those two days (1st day when I mentioned I had to get it done, and second day when the actual appointment was,) there was noooooo compassion for me at all. Not one person asked how I felt about the procedure, (I happened to be SCARED OUT OF MY MIND because my best friend had it done, and her experience was BAAAAAD,) and they were so nasty before I left! My husband came to the waiting room to meet me and support me (I was too chicken to go alone to this one,) and I spent the time in the waiting room crying because my feelings were so hurt. When I returned, all 3 of them didn't ask one word about it, and sister-in-law #1 (the youngest - the one who had been the first to threaten my daughter way back when -) actually looked PAST me blankly, as though willing herself to actually believe I wasn't sitting in the room with her! All of these things and behaviors were NEVER brought on by me/us! The typical thing to conclude in any dispute, or complaint, is to ask the accuser "OK, but what did YOU do to keep this going?" In this case, guys, it's a sincere and honest NOTHING. That's why we have no contact now; all the treatment is unfounded; and when we are the most quiet, and try to zip our lip and quench the fires of anger within them, that's when they are at their meannest. They haven't changed their ways, and even if there is an agreement to make peace, coming from them, it cannot be believed. I can forgive them - I have prayed for God's strength to do that, and need to continue to pray for strength (and forgiveness for my own sins in life, because I know they're there,) and I had made a free-will decision to forgive them. I feel that I do forgive them. If I could be sure they're now trustworthy and kind, there'd be no limit to how cool we could all be with each other! I'd never look back, and I'd feel no need to mention anything that happened. I would not hold a grudge or remind them of any of it! I can forgive, but does that mean I forget? God does, He throws our confessed and repented sins into the sea of forgetfulness. But I'm not God, I'm human, and my brain records things. I'm not trying to punish them because they were bad in the past. I understand they're messed up and don't know anything else, and all of that contributed to how they behave. I'm not punishing them at all; I'm trying to nurture my own family. When we were in that house, or even times we didn't live there some time ago, when we just had contact with them, they always found ways to torment us, through things said over the phone, etc... All the while, we were never able to have any peace in life. There was unnecessary and unfair tension all the time, and when we lived there, it was downright PARALYZING!! Our atmosphere and our minds were clouded with tension, and we couldn't even get a grip on what we (the 4 of us) had to do to progress as a family, aside from the other members of the household. We were stuck in mud, and couldn't even take a step forward. I happen to be a very optimistic person, I wake up in a positive frame of mind. And no matter how I might feel, (crabby sometimes,) I don't share it with those around me. But an environment filled to the brim with negative energy really can dampen the spirit! Maybe I shouldn't write anymore to you guys about this, only because you've been so kind by taking the time to read and answer, and I don't want you to feel like I'm beating a dead horse, but when you guys respond to me, I just want to make sure you fully understand the situation and where I'm coming from. If there's something in ME that should change, if I'm actually the problem, I need to know, but I want that conclusion to be formed on the proper information, ya' know? You can be frank with me. I am NOT asking these questions so I can hear what I want to hear. I'm very quick to admit my faults, and to want to change for the better. I believe that in life, sometimes when we think others need to change, it's really US God wants to see change first. I won't be mad at you for your views. You can trust that. I might not like to hear what you have to say, if it's difficult to bear, but I won't be angry or respond in a nasty fashion to you. Please continue to be honest with me! :) Lastly, I need some more help with the idea that "should" should be banned from my thoughts, and that my expectations should take a hike. That notion isn't sinking into my head yet. Can you elaborate? How can I manage a relationship, if I don't hold them accountable for sticking to the basic, fundamental characteristics of a loving, caring relationship? If people are supposed to be kind in life, and are not, then fine. I can't make them be that way, but isn't it OK to expect that good treatment in order to be in my LIFE? Sounds fair to me... Here's another part of the scenario: What does this mean?:
We lived with mother-in-law before we got married (before we got saved,) and then once we WERE married and first child was due soon, she invited us into the house to live to make things "easier" for us. That's when things were horrible and first threat to child came, during that stay. We soon left, and fast-forward to when child #2 was due; we were living with other family, & house was cramped. We agreed we'd never consider going back into mother-in-law's house if she ever were to ask, and our decision changed, when she did ask. (She needed help w/ rent.) So we went in, and things this time were worse than ever. I tell you that, to find this out: what could God be possibly telling us? Or more specifically, what's He teaching me? I wondered that when I was in the house. Did He want us to see that we were so uncomfortable there, that we needed to collaborate already and save and get the heck out of family's house and into our own place? Or did He design us to be there, to bring me to my "verbal breaking point", and learn to defend myself and my family. I was NEVER the type to say ANYTHING "sassy" to anyone in my life: husband, teachers, police officers, etc... Maybe if I learned to defend myself and family, then I'd be strong enough to defend my faith when I need to, and won't back down out of cowardice. Based on all the events I've told you about, the way we were treated, what do you think? I know God allowed it all to happen for a good reason. He also permitted the situations in which the kids were threatened. For what? I want to know, b'c I want desperately to learn and grow and mature. The ultimate goal: I want to learn how to LOVE others like Jesus wants us to love!
And as if all this wasn't enough, you can look through other family and relationship topics for another question from me that I'll leave today. I have other issues with other members of my family that need help, too. If you're interested in hearing more drama, that is!

Then why pay attention to anything they say? If you hear it over the phone, get off the phone. Or take the phone away from your ear. You have the power to control your surroundings... after a long day if you know they have the capacity to be rude to you, Steer clear of them.

Any notes of ANY kind coming from them has the potentiality of being negative, right? Don't read them! It's that uncomplicated. You have control over what YOU do...

It seems to me that you ARE participating in all their drama by just investing as you are, even if it's an inner emotional one. You are still agonizing... and that's an investment.

YOU need to change... What do you need to change? YOUR INVESTMENT in this drama. You write and write and write... if that doesn't appear to seem overly invested in this drama, what does? STOP.

You admit to having even MORE drama w/ other family members. What will it take for you to stop? It's all on you...

(Also, the more paragraphs you write the less chance you have of having people on this site respond. People prefer the short version.. ).

I'm not sure you are listening... To stop the drama it can only begin w/ an action. The action has to begin somewhere. The action has to begin w/ you. If you stop... and quiet yourself you may be able to see the solution through all the drama in your head. It's understandable that this upsets you.. but there comes a point in time where you end it's ability to grab hold of your sensibilities.

(I too have had drama lately in my life. I've allowed myself a CALENDER month to over react... now it's OVER because I've closed the door on it. I do seek second opinions here on this fabulous site... however I do not feel upset or panicked anymore. It's now something that has become a lesson learned for me. Second opinions are good for those that second guess themselves, which is something I'd been doing... even tho' it's out of character for me.).

Look at a chalendar and give yourself a date... this date should represent the amount of days left till you throw away the issue and close the door.

"Turning over a new leaf", is an ACTION... it's where one changes their mind about a certain feeling or belief. Change your mind and STOP PARTICIPATING... I mean, ask yourself.. how much fun is this? What are my kids learning? How is this making my marriage happy?

Just do it...

In the first response, jjjanettt put it exactly right, BOUNDARIES! Find a book or two about these and study.

SweetDee wrote two very astute posts as well. She said what jjjanettt and I both said, but in a different, very practical way.

I talked to you about several things. If you really wish to give up expectations and "shoulding," I recommend reading the book Everyday Grace, by Marianne Williamson. She has wonderful ways to make a person think, and be aware of what their thoughts and actions reap.

A quote to live life by, with peace: "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake." AA Big Book.

Thanks for the book suggestion, "Everyday Grace". I WILL get it from the library this week. Since my laist response, I've had many thoughts in my head, and spoke to my mom a few times. I e-mailed in-laws; told them I don't know where I want it to go, if anywhere at all, but think I'd like to at least communicate in e-mail. Still waiting for a response. I made my sister more mad before, but maybe I should call her & tell her I'll accept her as she is & shut my trap about my opinion. If I push her away (because she finds me to be the toxic one,) she'll do what she wants to do anyway. Whether I'm in her life or not, won't in any way change who she is or how she is with her little girl. My words have no beneficial effect, so I'll just keep them to myself. Pray, pray, pray, each trying moment in her presence I'll pray to God silently to myself, and wait for Him to make the change.

Quote:

Originally Posted by melanthony7

Thanks for the book suggestion, "Everyday Grace". I WILL get it from the library this week. Since my laist response, I've had many thoughts in my head, and spoke to my mom a few times. I e-mailed in-laws; told them I don't know where I want it to go, if anywhere at all, but think I'd like to at least communicate in e-mail. Still waiting for a response. I made my sister more mad before, but maybe I should call her & tell her I'll accept her as she is & shut my trap about my opinion. If I push her away (because she finds me to be the toxic one,) she'll do what she wants to do anyway. Whether I'm in her life or not, won't in any way change who she is or how she is with her little girl. My words have no beneficial effect, so I'll just keep them to myself. Pray, pray, pray, each trying moment in her presence I'll pray to God silently to myself, and wait for Him to make the change.

Now I'm lost - your sister? I thought the problem was with your in-laws.

(Will admit your post was very lengthy and I just skimmed through.)

I underatand what you went through and the aftermath of the whole situation. The best decision you ever made was leaving the house of drama. It's good for your own piece of mind. I understand you want a relationship with the family, if anything for the kids. Just know the kids might be better off without them and as long as they have you and their dad that's is all they need. You and your husband can give them all the love and tools of life. Sometimes people don't change because what you see is who they are. When people, especially family, make threats against your family I would take it serious because it's not a laughing matter. In the end this will only make you stronger and they mostly likely don't want to see that. They wanted to see you break and go to their level but don't. You take the higher road and be the better person like your doing now. God can give you the strength and you must use it. I had a similar issue with my daughter mother in the past. She was a mean person for no reason but thank God she never was that way with my daughter and treated her good. Whenever she said something I didn't like that blown my fuse I simply said "the devil is a liar and the truth aint in you", boy did that make her madder than anything else I could have said. Now we get along well and even hang out sometime. She even said "sorry" to me for her behavior in the past and I would have never thought she would do that nor I would be hanging out with her. Sometime people change but you never know when that change would come.