Hi,

My boyfriend and I live together, have been together about 9 months, and were good friends before that for about ten years. (we are 25 and 27). I know he loves me, but I feel like he doesn't spend quality time with me or hold me enough (For what I want?) For example, last night we watched the TV for a little bit after I got home from school (8pm) and while we were watching it he also read his video game manual. I wanted to just watch the TV together with him but he always has to 'ruin' it or make it less intimate by doing something else which he already devotes plenty of time to. Then at night he read his book and then just went to sleep, instead of telling me goodnight or kissing me goodnight. I brought this up and he said he told me he loved me (I didn't hear him tell me that before he went to sleep but earlier in the night he did tell me that.)

He has a new job, 8-4pm and two days a week he gets about 5 hours to himself after work while I am at school, and also I give him about 6 hours to himself everyday on the weekend. (He likes his alone time.) The other three days a week I help him out with his job, organizing his office (mostly at night.)

He said he has gotten used to sleeping with me, (I like to be next to him when I sleep,) but I want him to hold me more when we sleep. I hold him a lot and if he asks me to come to his side I do. He says he doesn't think he can hold me more than he does.

I feel like I am satisfying him in this relationship; I leave him love notes, offer oral (half the time he doesn't want me to,) hold him, touch him a lot, do things for him like help him with his job. But he doesn't leave me notes, want to have sex as much as I do (everday,) help me around the house cleaning that much, or make me feel warm by holding me. Laying next to me, or me holding him, in my opinion, is different than him holding me.

I told him I want him to leave me notes, offer to massage me more (like I do for him,) and show me he loves me in other ways than telling me or spending time with me (when HE wants to,) or having sex with me (when HE wants to.) He says he's bad at relationships and I just end up making him feel inadequate or guilty. :(

Should I stop what I am doing for him and treat him as he treats me? Hold him only when he holds me, say 'no' to things he says no to me for, stay away from him in bed (away from his side), say no when he asks me to come to his side (by lying and saying my arm hurts)etc.

I want either of the following to happen:
He holds me more
I don't need him to hold me as much

How do I achieve one of these results?:confused:

P.S. I think our ideas of showing affection are different, and I feel like he should listen to what I need and give me that. His family doesn't hug or kiss or anything (mostly they just watch TV or play video games, the parents too,) whereas in my family I got kissed and hugged a lot and the video games were not allowed or encouraged. For our future children, I want him to be affectionate with them and not give more attention to his video games than his children. I want him to show me he can do that by doing that with me around. Will it just take time?

Ok first off I think you expect too much... just because you write him little notes doesn't mean he should have to.. If my significant other asked me to do that, I wouldn't want to, because it would be forced and it would feel fake...

Your expectations are way high, and if you keep bugging him to be someone he is not then you might push him away..

I understand what your boyfriend is saying about not wanting to hold each other tightly while you sleep, it's uncomfortable and it's really hard for some people to get a deep sleep.. He probably figures you live together and so that you don't always have to be cuddling like a brand new couple all the time..

If you feel like you absoultly NEED this in a relationship, then don't be with him.. YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE.. you can't make them conform to what you want.. it doesn't happen..

Either suck it up and understand that he is this way.. or dump him and find someone who will write you little love notes and cuddles you all night

.. either poop or get off the pot..

plonak is right... Some people are unable to sleep when holding someone because of the "awkward arm" or the weight of the person doesn't sit right and then you have a dead arm... NOT COOL! I had a friend who would do that every night and ended up ripping his rotator cuff because of it.

Also, I live with my girlfriend as of now, and I write her notes every morning to remind her I love her and sweet things. I don't expect them to be done to me on a day she's up first. You are doing it out of the kindness of your heart, to expect something in return is like donating clothes and expecting money back. If you don't like how he doesn't write them, then don't write them either. Don't do anything if all your going to do is expect something in return.

Plonak was also right in that you cannot change someone, you can only change yourself if you want too

Yeah, maybe I do expect him to do things in return, but I never thought about it like that. I always WANT to do things for him, and while I'm doing them for him I'm happy and don't think about wanting him to do the same for me. I guess I get these urges to do things for him regardless if he doesn't like doing it back. Like I WANT to leave him notes because I think he likes them. But then sometimes I wish he would show me affection in other ways than telling me, and I guess notes/massages were the only examples I could give him.

I guess I do WANT him to do nice things for me, but just because he wants to. Usually, if I can tell he really doesn't want to do something but offers it anyway, I tell him no but maybe later when that's what he really wants to do. He understands that but then he also tells me that sometimes he wants to do it just because he wants to make me happy and that he's sorry he doesn't offer to do them when I'm already happy.

I am not sure how to change myself into not expecting so much from him. This is hard.

The issue of holding me while we sleep wouldn't be a big deal if he held me more during the day or showed me he loved me in some way during the day. I guess sleep is the only time I feel like I get to be close to him.

I also thought that if I treated him a certain way, he would treat me the same way. I know this is not true. I guess I don't feel like he's grateful for what I do for him, so maybe I shouldn't do them at all, even though I really want to.

This is a hard situation..

Part of me says stop doing it if you feel like you're not being appreciated but on the other hand you don't want to punish him for being who he is..

It's all down to if you can live with it.. imagine if one thing didn't change, could you honestly live with that forever? (assuming you marry him)

If not, then maybe you need to re-evlautae the relationship.. you don't want to waste his or your time if you really aren't right for each other..

You may have known of each other for a very long time, but you've only been in a relationship for 9 months, and evidently there is a failure to communicate, and work together, and compromise.

I can't believe he wasn't like this from the beginning, and maybe you expected him to change. I really think you both moved a little to fast, and expect too much from basically a new relationship. You obviously skipped some important steps in the process of learning about each other, and went straight to playing house.

Talk, and see if you can't get a little more attention from him, as you could stand to work together, to the benefit of you both a lot better, if you think this will last.

It seems like he is in the comfort zone with you. I don't think you've been wrong in wanting more but I seriously doubt you'll get those things with your current partner. If you want these things and he can't change, you'll be writing to this site for years. You have a big decision to make.

So things have been much better, I have eased up on him and it seems that stress was the main factor. We're spending most of our Saturdays together and the fun parts of Sundays (morning, night.) Our new pool table may be a factor as we have had more times to spend moments together, as a game takes only 7 minutes or so and we get to interact with each other and hang out (plus he usually wants to play more games.) As for holding me, I thought the advice was sound, that it's uncomfortable. We've been going to bed at the same time and I've given him some more space. I'll update you later but thank you!

I'm glad that we all helped.. and thank you for taking our advice! Keep us posted!

It sounds at least partly a Love Languages issue to me.

Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate: Gary Chapman: Books

This is from a Gary Chapman email which lists them:

Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities & develop greater confidence.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come & go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings & desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice & respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.

An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions & inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, & quality time with your mate.

Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, &, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.

Whether it’s sitting on the couch & having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.

Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love & devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a person who is used to investing & saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate.

The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials & experiencing the same things. Your body can become a very powerful physical symbol of love.

These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy & secure in your relationship.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry & taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, & energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love & devotion to your mate.

Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects.
For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars & walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry & dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect & work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.

It is important to do these acts of service out of love & not obligation. A mate who does chores & helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.

Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores & services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, & will ensure a happy relationship.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure & loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are irritating & uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.

All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them & be silent than offer any advice.

It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, & other physical contacts.

I'm sorry to hear that. When you're giving more to the relationship than your partner it's hard on you and your partner needs to understand your point of view on the subject. Obviously just talking about it isn't enough. In my own opinion I would try and... I guess the correct term would be "give him a dose of his own medicine".. if you know what I mean, Just spend a week or so acting towards him the way that he acts around you. Maybe then he'll feel what you're feeling and understand more that a relationship is a group effort and both partners need to contribute equally.
I seems, by what you were saying about his family being the same around each other as he is with you means that it may never get to the point where you want it, him being as dedicated as you are. But maybe just treating him the way he treats you for a while, but if he's the same then just keep loving him as much as you do and he will notice. It may not seem like men don't notice anything really lol, but sometimes they just don't like to acknowledge that kind of thing because... idk.. they feel less manly.
But give it all you got. He's very lucky to have a woman that loves him that much :) Good luck!

<3 kt

My boyfriend is kind of like that, he tends to keep to himself yet I know that I love him and he loves me
At the beginning everything was fun and dandy
I would write him little foolish notes and he would answer them
That is called the honeymoon stage
Its hard to keep it going once you have been going out for a while even if you want it back like we do.
Even though you can't get the honeymoon stage back the best you can do is just look forward to the next stage which is pretty much being together.
I love being with my boyfriend and I bet you do too, even if he doesn't hold you then you are the one that has to go to his side and put his arm around you, he will like it and it will become a habit when you go to sleep. This similar problem happened to me but I did just that and now we can't fall asleep if we aren't together. :D
Hope this helps
And remember if he doesn't show you his appreciation it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, maybe if you show him how much you love him he will answer it back