Hello,

I am in the state of GA and am in a tuff situation right now. I am a step father to my 8 year old daughter. I have been happily playing the roll of dad now since 2001. Her mother and I were married in 2003.

The last time my daughter saw her biological father was DEC 2000, when he waited for her to be dropped off at daycare. He than removed her from daycare and took her across state lines to Michigan with out her mothers consent. My wife had to drive up to Michigan to retrieve her daughter and filed abduction charges against him. I believe he was charged and had a one year restraining order against him.

In 7 almost 8 years we have heard nothing from him. He has never offered to pay child support (I do not want the child support however).

My wife and he were never married nor did he legitimized my daughter. He did however sign the birth certificate, so she carries his last name.

We have never hidden any of this from my daughter. She has known the truth from the beginning and it was her choice to call me Dad (which was the best Christmas gift I have or will ever receive).

Now it is 2008 and contact has been made through an old friend of my wife. He wants to be a part of our daughter’s life like nothing has ever happened. He claims he has been looking for her all this time. I find that hard to believe as she has been in public school for 4 years with his last name and my wife never changed her maiden name and most the utilities are in her name. Also we found out that he has been living only 20 minutes away from where we live.

He has informed us that he did marry and has a 3 year old son, however is divorcing his wife because he has gotten another woman pregnant. He will not give us any contact info for him other than a cell phone number. He claims he can not risk his wife finding out where he is staying. I do not need my daughter is n this kind of environment.

I do not want child support, but I feel that he should not have any rights to our daughter as he abandoned her, he did not fight to be a part of her life for more than 7 years. What can I do legally?

Thank in advance for your help

Well you can't do anything because you have no legal standing. Your wife can ask the bio dad if he will be willing to allow you to adopt her.

I writing to give you something to think about. Yes, he doesn't sound like a portrait of good parenting, he has screwed up majorly. And I'm sure your love wants to do nothing less then protect her. Just because he's a piece of work in your eyes doesn't necessarly mean the same in her eyes.. Ive been in this exact situation, and hate it. As long as she wants to be involved in her fathers life, I will accept that. I love her too much to take away that opportunity from her, and when the ball drops, I will still be here.

Now, I'm def. not saying hand him a weekend ticket and wave goodbye on your front porch, wishing him well. If he's willing to man up... the two of you.. Man to Man work this out.. have a akward lunch and get a feel for him. More then likely he's just going through a phase.. he will see what he's up against and back off.. but at least you will know in your heart you tried to give your daughter the opportunity to meet the sperm donner. It wasn't that you didn't let her see her father... her father failed her. Chances are it could be a good thing or he will go back into hiding.

Just my opinion for the position your in.

You as the step father can't do anything, in fact it is all up to the bio father, he will have to file for a DNA test to prove his is the father, and then request visits. It is very likely if he applies though court he will be granted at least supervised visits unless your wife can prove he is a threat to the child.

Now unless he is willing to sign over his rights,m it is not likely you can adopt the child.

I definitely agree w/ stinawords and fr_chuck. Just adopt her.

Also, whether he just shy on presence, got jailed, had financial problems for years, had extreme communication problem with your wife, if your daughter's bio father will really insist, he is entitled to visitation rights and play an active role as a father unless proven that he's dangerous to be with.

When your daughter grows up, she'll understand her situation. If you will keep her from her real father, she will be curious about her roots. Don't be jealous, her love for you won't be diminished even if you are not her bio dad.

May I just mention, because this subject hits home for me, when you hear... "just adopt" - Just know it's a great thing... finally having that recognition.the law varies from state to state and in the case where the relationship between the biological parent and the absent parent is strained, obtaining consent or getting rights terminated can be difficult . That's why I mentioned my first response. Good luck to you.

Thanks for all your words.

We have been in comunaction with him for about a month now.

He will speak with our daughter for about 15 minutes, and than wants to speak with my wife. He tells her to push the matter on our daughter, force her to go see him. When he does talk to our daughter he asks question's like "what time do you get out of school, and how long do you wait to get on the bus?" or what time do you catch the bus in the morning, how far is it from your house? Does mom wait for the bus with you?" These questions bother me as he already taken her once.

I tried to be the nice guy and not be a roadblock to his daughter but when he is unwilling to work with us and calls only when he believes I am not around, it just makes me lose any trust for the guy.

Hell, if my wife walked out on me there is no way I would let her keep my kids from me. And the fact that she has not been hidden these past 7 years and he has done nothing, why should my wife or I give him the time of day?

He has shown up now at my wife's job, causing a scene. He has called her at work and not letting her off the phone to do her job. He is un willing to give us any info about his life, job home.

My wife is now going to try to file abandonment charges against letting him know we drop the charges if he signs his rights away so I can adopt our daughter.

I hate to tell you this but she can't file abandonment charges. He has not abandoned his child. He left her with her mother and has contact even if it is few and far between by law he has not abandoned his child. Is there a support order in place? If so she should go back to court to have it enforced and she can tell him that he would no longer owe any current support if he were to allow the adoption.

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Originally Posted by jrhman

Thanks for all your words.

We have been in comunaction with him for about a month now.

He will speak with our daughter for about 15 mins, and than wants to speak with my wife. He tells her to push the matter on our daughter, force her to go see him. When he does talk to our daughter he asks question's like "what time do you get out of school, and how long do you wait to get on the bus?" or what time do you catch the bus in the morning, how far is it from your house? Does mom wait for the bus with you?" These questions bother me as he already taken her once.

I tried to be the nice guy and not be a roadblock to his daughter but when he is unwilling to work with us and calls only when he believes I am not around, it just makes me lose any trust for the guy.

Hell, if my wife walked out on me there is no way I would let her keep my kids from me. And the fact that she has not been hidden these past 7 years and he has done nothing, why should my wife or I give him the time of day?

He has shown up now at my wifes job, causing a scene. He has called her at work and not letting her off the phone to do her job. He is un willing to give us any info about his life, job home.

My wife is now going to try to file abandonment charges against letting him know we drop the charges if he signs his rights away so I can adopt our daughter.

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OK in your first part of the question you said you only know him by cellphone. So any idea of contact should be out of the question PERIOD. If he's trying to call her she needs to tell him NO! And hang up. If he calls back she needs to call the police. If he is asking her questions like that they are totally inappropriate for someone of his position. If he doesn't like what's going on then he can head back to court. As for your wife she needs to go to court and file right now to make sure she can collect child support and get orders in place to cover anything remotely resembling visitation. Child support is for the child it has nothing what so ever to do with your " needs ". Because you don't need it nor want it its not in the best interest of the child to deny her it. Your wife needs to go to court as soon as it opens and get all this started going on a yesterday basis. If you so choose it would be wonderful to adopt if that's even possible but first you need to get everything else straightened out.

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Originally Posted by jrhman

I tried to be the nice guy and not be a roadblock to his daughter but when he is unwilling to work with us and calls only when he believes I am not around, it just makes me lose any trust for the guy.

Hell, if my wife walked out on me there is no way I would let her keep my kids from me. And the fact that she has not been hidden these past 7 years and he has done nothing, why should my wife or I give him the time of day?

He has shown up now at my wifes job, causing a scene. He has called her at work and not letting her off the phone to do her job. He is un willing to give us any info about his life, job home.

My wife is now going to try to file abandonment charges against letting him know we drop the charges if he signs his rights away so I can adopt our daughter.

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Why does your wife answer the phone? And did she call the Police when he showed up at her workplace? If this is her word against his you need some proof.

You keep saying "us." There is no "us" here. Unfortunately - and I realize you're married, you've played the role of father - you have absolutely no legal standing. Only your wife can change this. The more you ask about the father, the more he is going to resist. He owes you no courtesy or consideration.

You have no grounds for abandonment charges - if you use the search feature you will see exactly what abandonment entails.

I would retain an Attorney if the harassment continues -

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Originally Posted by akez

I writing to give you something to think about. Yes, he dosent sound like a portrait of good parenting, he has screwed up majorly. And im sure your love wants to do nothing less then protect her. Just because he's a piece of work in your eyes doesnt necessarly mean the same in her eyes.. Ive been in this exact situation, and hate it. As long as she wants to be involved in her fathers life, I will accept that. I love her to much to take away that opportunity from her, and when the ball drops, I will still be here.

Now, im def. not saying hand him a weekend ticket and wave goodbye on your front porch, wishing him well. If he's willing to man up... the two of you.. Man to Man work this out.. have a akward lunch and get a feel for him. More then likely he's just going through a phase.. he will see what hes up against and back off.. but at least you will know in your heart you tried to give your daughter the opportunity to meet the sperm donner. It wasnt that you didnt let her see her father... her father failed her. chances are it could be a good thing or he will go back into hiding.

Just my opinion for the position your in.

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Bad legal advice - and this is a legal board. The OP (and I realize he's in a marriage, he's been the father figure, this is tearing him up) has no legal standing. Contact with him is most definitely NOT going to help this situation.

The OP has no legal standing. Only the mother can end or change this situation.

As far as what the father is up against - he's the legal father, not the (flippant) sperm donor. He wants to see his child for whatever reason. He's on the birth certificate so in most States he IS the legal father. He's criticized when he doesn't see the child; he's criticized when he does.

I'm not saying he's right by any means but it can't be both ways - he's the bad guy either way, when he wants visitation, when he does not.

JUDYKAYTEE- LOL, Relax. He knew 4 posts ago a step parent has NO legal standing. Have you been in this situation? Should he have started another (flippant) board. I see nothing wrong with making a already complicated situation more relaxed considering his options are either you give up everything fighting for something that will potentially never happen... such as adopting or make the best of the situation. Never offered legal advice.. read it carefully... it was an opinion.

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Originally Posted by akez

JUDYKAYTEE- LOL, Relax. He knew 4 posts ago a step parent has NO legal standing. Have you been in this situation? Should he have started another (flippant) board. I see nothing wrong with making a already complicated situation more relaxed considering his options are either you give up everything fighting for something that will potentially never happen... such as adopting or make the best of the situation. Never offered legal advice.. read it carefully... it was an opinion.

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In all fairness to Judy she is pointing out the fact that this person had posted on a legal board and we here try to keep the spirit of that. If this were a Dear Abby board that OP had posted to or relationship board ( which is part of the help desk family tree ) then your answer wouldn't be out of line in any way. Lots of people come to this section because they don't know where to start or have a clue as to what may or may not happen. That's why we try to relate to the law and how it stands regarding the OP's question. Even in this response you have given the OP a slim chance to none for being able to adopt but truly by law its very close to a reality for the OP if they were to go about it in the correct manner. We do sometimes give opinions with our answers and we all are jaded by our own experiences but I stand by her response because of the nature in your reply. And she was giving you lots of room on it because she didn't just throw a reddie your way .