Ask Me Help Desk - Why am I so jealous!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months now. We met at college, we're both 19. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and that I am the only one, etc etc. And I believe him, and feel the same way.

But.

I am an insane person. I know this. Most of the time I accept it and even sort of like it. But sometimes it causes problems. Such as being extremely jealous of his past relationships, that are in the past, that he is completely over.

Here's the biggest issue of them all: his most recent ex, the girl right before me. Caroline. I hate that name, by the way. But anyway... first of all, here's an interesting tidbit about Caroline. She is only fifteen years old. Yes, fifteen. And he's nineteen. When he told me that I could NOT believe it! I was like "WHAT!?!?!?!? are you kidding??? that's a joke!!!" (which was rude, I know, but I couldn't help it... ) and though he's explained to me how it happened, that it wasn't expected and it was a unique circumstance and all this stuff, I still just cannot understand or fathom it. She is a CHILD. She was just barely fourteen when they started dating, and he was already a senior in high school.

I'm not even nearly on the same league as her -- I'm far above it. And I don't mean that in a cocky or conceited way. But it's a true fact that a fifteen year old girl and a nineteen (almost twenty) year old woman are on different levels in so many ways - maturity, experience, emotional (and physical) development, to name a few.

So what I ask myself is, since this is the case, what do I have to be worried about? Nothing! There is no competition here. And yet -- if it's true that she's a child, who is immature, unexperienced and undeveloped, then what was it that attracted him to her? Why did he LOVE her? Yeah they dated for a year and three months and he said he looooove love loved her! Like possibly wanted to marry her in a few years! I DON'T GET IT!!

Though he tries to tell me he's over her, that he loves me now, etc... I still can't stop from being jealous of the feelings he had for her. Especially since they had only been broken up for like a month when we started dating (I didn't know that at the time). And for a while I thought that he had broken up with her, or it was mutual or something. But I just found out today that she was the one who broke up with him, and he says he tried sooooo hard to get back with her, sooooo hard, so many times. THAT DOES NOT HELP TAKE AWAY MY WORRY. What the heck!?

And even beyond Caroline. He has a lot of other exes, a lot of which he is friends with now. I do not like it at all that he is friends with his exes and still talks to them and hangs out with them. ESPECIALLY Caroline. And, his top 6 best friends are all girls. I can't take it. I am so super jealous of all of them. I don't want him to have anything to do with girls. I wish he had all guy friends.

I know I have no reason to be insecure (which is where jealousy comes from). I know he loves me, we're very serious and we want to get married (eventually), he thinks I'm the most beautiful and amazing girl in the whole world, more than anyone else he's ever known/met, etc. and he tells me these things constantly, and he constantly also has to remind me that he doesn't feel that way about his exes anymore, that I'm his only.

BUT I still cannot stop being jealous. I'm insane. I'm jealous of his PAST relationships. Something is wrong with me. And it's really starting to annoy him. But I don't know what to do.

Why can't I just get over it?

HOW can I stop being insecure?

How do I let go of all the jealousy????

(please don't just say "you need to work on your issues." actual advice would be appreciated, thanks... :) )

Quote:

He is friends with his exes and still talks to them and hangs out with them

That's the negative part.

Don't dwell on it,as by doing that,you're keeping his PAST in your relationship with him,which as you know,is starting to DESTROY what you both have together! :(

Now the positive part.

Quote:

I know I have no reason to be insecure (which is where jealousy comes from). I know he loves me, we're very serious and we want to get married (eventually), he thinks I'm the most beautiful and amazing girl in the whole world, more than anyone else he's ever known/met, etc. and he tells me these things constantly

When you even start to feel jealous,remember the above!! :) He's with YOU now.

Jester is right, he is with you now. You need to understand that, it's not his problem that you are insecure. That is an issue you need to conquer on your own or no relationship will ever last.

Being jealous is a relationship killer. Even though he is with you he don't have to give up his past and can't change it. If you can't handle him having female friends then you have some decision to make. But what happens if you move on and the next guy has female friends, it will be an on going issue with you. The insecurities you have need to be address and worked on. It's the only way you going have a solid relationship otherwise jealous only leads you down a lonely world. I am friends with my ex and my fiancé have no problems with it. If nothing is going on why make a big deal? Have you ever been cheated by any exes?

If your going crazy, and have a hard time dealing with your own feelings after ONLY 3 months, your both in for a real rocky ride, and a bad break up.

Don't let your feelings get in the way of having fun getting to know each other, and appreciate the time spent together. At this time, your so unreasonable, and that my dear will tear this young romance apart, before it has a chance to grow.

Deal with your personal issues for your own sake.

Your jealousy and insecurity aren't about him or anything he might do or anything in his past... it's not about him in any way. It's 100% about you. You know that.

So, if you're going to tell some guy he can't date anyone but you, that's fine. But you stop there. You do NOT put your crazy ON him. You can be crazy jealous and insecure, just keep it off him.

Just a warning, and I see you already note it's starting to annoy him, you're on a job interview right now. You're interviewing for the job of awesome-cool-excellent-confident-self-assured girlfriend. Don't fail the interview over stuff you CAN control.

Keep your crazy off him.

Thanks everyone for your answers, I appreciate it.

However -- yeah, I know I need to work on my insecurities. That's part of my originial question, HOW???

I think the "how" part is a red herring. What you need to work on first, foremost, and entirely is "what not to do when you get crazy thoughts".

We all have nutso thoughts at times. It's actually normal. What you have to do is NOT allow the thoughts to leak out inappropriately.

You never aim them at him, blame him, accuse him, involve him. You just don't do it. Lovingness on your part means you protect him, even from you.

I know you're looking for a "how do I stop thinking jealous crazy thoughts" and I don't believe in magic mind-control answers. I believe in controlling ACTIONS. Adjusting behavior FIRST and then sticking to the adjustment... over time... leads to new mind habits. It's that simple.

Think of it like learning to play the piano... you don't sit down and practice because you already know how to play, you practice to LEARN how. Then you practice to get even better. Then you practice because you're having fun, and then you're just playing for the sheer joy of it, with a skill you've spent years patiently mastering. Your action led to a change in mind/skill/ability/joy.

You're at the same point. You have to practice NOT acting on crazy thoughts. First, you practice keeping them from those closest to you, not letting it affect your relationships. Then you practice not thinking for them for very long when they do pass your mind... and finally you'll get so good at pushing the pointless thoughts away and starving them for attention... you'll one day realize you've mastered the habit and jealousy has no real effect on you at all.

It's not a magic trick of mind control. It's practice. Long hard PRIVATE practice. Take care.

What I was told to do by my counselor for whenever I would get jealous, instead of reacting right way, write it down on a piece of paper and then come back to it in an hour. If you read it and still are jealous, then you can bring it up to your spouse. This solves one of two things. 1. You realize how stupid it was or 2. When you do talk to him, your not full of rage and can talk rationally

Thank you, this is very helpful! I'll be working on this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

I think the "how" part is a red herring. What you need to work on first, foremost, and entirely is "what not to do when you get crazy thoughts".

We all have nutso thoughts at times. It's actually normal. What you have to do is NOT allow the thoughts to leak out inappropriately.

You never aim them at him, blame him, accuse him, involve him. You just don't do it. Lovingness on your part means you protect him, even from you.

I know you're looking for a "how do I stop thinking jealous crazy thoughts" and I don't believe in magic mind-control answers. I believe in controlling ACTIONS. Adjusting behavior FIRST and then sticking to the adjustment...over time...leads to new mind habits. It's that simple.

Think of it like learning to play the piano...you don't sit down and practice because you already know how to play, you practice to LEARN how. Then you practice to get even better. Then you practice because you're having fun, and then you're just playing for the sheer joy of it, with a skill you've spent years patiently mastering. Your action led to a change in mind/skill/ability/joy.

You're at the same point. You have to practice NOT acting on crazy thoughts. First, you practice keeping them from those closest to you, not letting it affect your relationships. Then you practice not thinking for them for very long when they do pass your mind... and finally you'll get so good at pushing the pointless thoughts away and starving them for attention...you'll one day realize you've mastered the habit and jealousy has no real effect on you at all.

It's not a magic trick of mind control. It's practice. Long hard PRIVATE practice. Take care.

That sounds like a good idea, I'll try it. It seems like it will work well for smaller things, but I don't know about stuff like the Caroline issue... I've been jealous of her ever since I first found out about her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

What I was told to do by my counselor for whenever I would get jealous, instead of reacting right way, write it down on a piece of paper and then come back to it in an hour. If you read it and still are jealous, then you can bring it up to your spouse. This solves one of two things. 1. You realize how stupid it was or 2. When you do talk to him, your not full of rage and can talk rationally

Quote:

I don't know about stuff like the Caroline issue... I've been jealous of her ever since I first found out about her.

OK,so it's a big thing about "Caroline"

Could I suggest,that,you try out the smaller things in the way that "Romefalls19"
Suggested.

And,with the big stuff,like "Caroline" a counsellor would be able to help you. :)

After all,the only person that you're really hurting,over the "Caroline issue"
Is YOU {&,of course,any present,and future,relationships :(}

I too have the same problem and haven't figured it out yet. But does it make a difference if you know the guys that she hangs out with have told her that they want to be with her. I find it unsettling that she hangs out with these guys who want to be with her and she has "talked" to before.

Why shouldn't she? Its not your business anymore, who she talks to, dates, or whatever with.

Sorry, I meant when we were dating she did those things.

I think another thing that can help with the jealousy problem is gaining some self-esteem for yourself, as well as some trust in your partner.

You wouldn't be feel threaten by his ex, if you are proud of who you are, if you think you're a catch yourself. Everyone is unique in their own well, everyone is desirable in their own ways, he is not with her for a reason, and he chose you for a reason.

So stop dwelling in his past, move on, enjoy his company now. Really try to get to know him, get to know yourself and have fun! (before its too late).

You've only been with him for 3 months, he's trying to get to know you. Do you want him to know you as the "jealous girlfriend that keeps asking about my ex?" <- I don't think so..

Just be yourself, be confident, and have fun!

On a side note, I believe maturity has nothing to do with age, it is experience that shape your maturity. With that said, maybe caroline is actually really mature, or your boyfriend is really immature :P

I certainly agree with all of that. But I've been trying to work on self-esteem for quite a long time, even long before I met my boyfriend. I just don't know how to fix it