Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend was raped

Ive been with my girlfriend for about 6 months, I'm 17, she's 16. She was rapped by a kid when she was 15, and she won't tell me who it is, she is always crying about it, she blames herself, even though I tell her its not her fault, she keeps calling her self a whore. She has had a very rough life. Her parents devorced when she was little, she lived with her father for a little but he is nuts and yells at her and makes her cry all the time, now she lives with her mom and she has MS, and the mom tries to keep her away from everyone, and is always telling her everything is her fault and I was even their when her mom told her that her opinion will never count. She does all the chores around the house, and her step dad is so nice to her, but her mom and her step dad are always fighting, so now he is a huge alcoholic, he smokes weed, now they are getting a devorce and The step dad is one of the only people that keeps watch out for her, and at the same time, when ever my girlfriend does anything wrong the mom yells at my girlfriends step dad, so my girlfriend feels that its her fault they are getting divorced. She doesn't have any true friends because she has moved so much. She has had best friends in the past but all of them her over sooner or later, like the recent one, right in front of my girlfriend goes to me and asked if I wanted a blowjob. I love my girlfriend so much, I try to get her mind off her life so hard, I got her to go on her first feris wheel, I have taken her to the park, I have taken her to movies, I brought her down the shore a couple times, I go wherever she wants to. I also try to be romantic, like when we where down the shore with my parents, I woke her up early and I brought her to a bike rent place and I took her bike riding, one night down the shore I took her out late at night, put a blanket on the sand and we just stared at the stars, I have taken her to fireworks because she loves them, I always tell her how beautiful she is, and I tell her why I love her... I try so hard to make her so happy, but sometimes it feels like I can't do anymore for her and I failed as her boyfriend..

Someone tell me what to do, tell me how I can make her happy, cause that's all I want for her, is to be happy...

And like my girlfriend, like we have sex, but like after we do she bursts into tears and she keeps telling me she can't get the flashbacks out of her head, and like recently for the last couple of times, I have been asking her if she is sure if she wants to have sex and she say yes, but she still crys, but one time I told her that maby its not a good idea (because I didn't want her to have to go through those flashbacks) and she started saying how she is so sorry, and I try to tell her its not her fault, but she just can't get over it...

Help I don't know what to do

You are doing everything you can and then some, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Rape is difficult to get over, I know from first hand experience. I would say that she needs counselling but seeing as her situation at home isn't great, I don't think she'd get the support she needs to get that counselling.

All you can do is be there for her, comfort her, tell her and show her how much you care about her. The images flashing through her head are nomal after being raped, and they aren't easy to control, not by her, not by you. She may never get back what she lost that night, and I'm not talking about virginity, innocence, but her self confidence.

I wish I could say, do this, do that, and then it will be fine, but there is not step by step program that works for everyone. Sadly it's up to her, and only her to get past this and move on. In the meantime, don't change what you are doing. If she pulls away then understand that it's not you, let her know that no matter what you are there.

Maybe suggest that she come here and talk to us, maybe talking to someone else who was raped will help her, sometimes you need to share your experience with someone else who has been there and survived.

You sound like a great guy, don't change a thing. :)

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

You are doing everything you can and then some, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Rape is difficult to get over, I know from first hand experience. I would say that she needs counselling but seeing as her situation at home isn't great, I don't think she'd get the support she needs to get that counselling.

All you can do is be there for her, comfort her, tell her and show her how much you care about her. The images flashing through her head are nomal after being raped, and they aren't easy to control, not by her, not by you. She may never get back what she lost that night, and I'm not talking about virginity, innocence, but her self confidence.

I wish I could say, do this, do that, and then it will be fine, but there is not step by step program that works for everyone. Sadly it's up to her, and only her to get past this and move on. In the meantime, don't change what you are doing. If she pulls away then understand that it's not you, let her know that no matter what you are there.

Maybe suggest that she come here and talk to us, maybe talking to someone else who was raped will help her, sometimes you need to share your experience with someone else who has been there and survived.

You sound like a great guy, don't change a thing. :)

Good luck.

Trust me I asked her to see someone, but if she ever found out I put this up online she would be so mad, and I don't want her to have to worry about another thing in her life. But thank you very much

Has she told anyone else besides you? Perhaps she'd talk to the school counsellor, or an Aunt that she trusts, or any other adult that can maybe help her get counselling.

I myself never went to counselling, I'm just too darn stubborn. I was molested when I was 5 and then raped when I was 18. Those two incidents damaged me allot, but I got through it because, like I said, I'm stubborn. ;)

The first time I had sex with my now husband, I cried. That was the first time I had ever cried after sex, because all the other guys didn't matter, didn't count. After that night I told him what had happened to me, and all he did was hold me, comfort me, tell me it was okay.

My reaction, I wanted to run, run fast, run hard, don't look back. I didn't deserve to be treated kindly, didn't he know that? I loved him, still do, I didn't think I deserved that kind of treatment. For a long time after that I tried to push him away, I didn't want to have sex, I couldn't bare to see the understanding in his eyes. I had always chosen guys that didn't care about me. Love them and leave them, heck, just leave them, there was no love.

Keep doing what you are doing, but realize that when she looks at you, when you are together, she feels dirty because you know, and even though you know, you're still there beside her, still kind and gentle, she doesn't feel she deserves that, and she's not used to that. Give her time, hopefully time will heal this wound, or at least make it bearable.

Wish I could help more, sorry that I can't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Has she told anyone else besides you? Perhaps she'd talk to the school counsellor, or an Aunt that she trusts, or any other adult that can maybe help her get counselling.

I myself never went to counselling, I'm just too darn stubborn. I was molested when I was 5 and then raped when I was 18. Those two incidents damaged me allot, but I got through it because, like I said, I'm stubborn. ;)

The first time I had sex with my now husband, I cried. That was the first time I had ever cried after sex, because all the other guys didn't matter, didn't count. After that night I told him what had happened to me, and all he did was hold me, comfort me, tell me it was okay.

My reaction, I wanted to run, run fast, run hard, don't look back. I didn't deserve to be treated kindly, didn't he know that? I loved him, still do, I didn't think I deserved that kind of treatment. For a long time after that I tried to push him away, I didn't want to have sex, I couldn't bare to see the understanding in his eyes. I had always chosen guys that didn't care about me. Love em and leave em, heck, just leave em, there was no love.

Keep doing what you are doing, but realize that when she looks at you, when you are together, she feels dirty because you know, and even though you know, you're still there beside her, still kind and gentle, she doesn't feel she deserves that, and she's not used to that. Give her time, hopefully time will heal this wound, or at least make it bearable.

Wish I could help more, sorry that I can't.

That helped a lot because that is exactly what happened to my girlfriend, all her other boyfriends used her, and she is always telling me I deserve better, and when she crys even when I hold her, she can never look at me..

Thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by selfdisturbed

That helped alot because that is exactly wat happened to my girlfriend, all her other boyfriends used her, and she is always telling me i deserve better, and when she crys even when i hold her, she can never look at me..

Thank you

And she has only told me, and she will not see a councler, cause she is also very scared about what is going to happen next

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Has she told anyone else besides you? Perhaps she'd talk to the school counsellor, or an Aunt that she trusts, or any other adult that can maybe help her get counselling.

I myself never went to counselling, I'm just too darn stubborn. I was molested when I was 5 and then raped when I was 18. Those two incidents damaged me allot, but I got through it because, like I said, I'm stubborn. ;)

The first time I had sex with my now husband, I cried. That was the first time I had ever cried after sex, because all the other guys didn't matter, didn't count. After that night I told him what had happened to me, and all he did was hold me, comfort me, tell me it was okay.

My reaction, I wanted to run, run fast, run hard, don't look back. I didn't deserve to be treated kindly, didn't he know that? I loved him, still do, I didn't think I deserved that kind of treatment. For a long time after that I tried to push him away, I didn't want to have sex, I couldn't bare to see the understanding in his eyes. I had always chosen guys that didn't care about me. Love em and leave em, heck, just leave em, there was no love.

Keep doing what you are doing, but realize that when she looks at you, when you are together, she feels dirty because you know, and even though you know, you're still there beside her, still kind and gentle, she doesn't feel she deserves that, and she's not used to that. Give her time, hopefully time will heal this wound, or at least make it bearable.

Wish I could help more, sorry that I can't.

How long did it take u to get over it

Do you want the truth? I not over it, never will be completely. I've learned to accept that it's a part of my life, a part of who I am now. It took a long time to get to that realization, and even longer to actually accept that what happened wasn't my fault and not a good reason to destroy the rest of my life.

The guy that raped her is at fault, he did this, not her, and until she can accept that she's not to blame, that she is good and worthy of love, I'm afraid you'll have some rough times ahead.

Don't give up on her, it may take time, and allot of love, and hopefully she'll get to that realization.

The fact that you are standig beside her means allot, even though her instinct right now says to push you away.

Women who are raped go one of two ways. They either become celibate, or close to it, have problems having sex, too many emotions to deal with, or they sleep with every guy they can because they feel dirty, like a whore, and they aren't worthy of a relationship with anyone. I chose the second path, but either one can and will be destructive to her well being and happiness.

She needs time and patience, and she needs to accept this. If counselling is out of the question then she's on her own, because only she can do this, only she can find a way to heal. It helps that you are there, but she has to fly solo on this one. It's all on her.

If you ever need to talk, to vent, or ask a question, I'm here, and talking about it won't only help you, but it helps me too. :)