Hi.

I recently bumped into my ex after no contact for two years. We had split up 3 years ago but we worked for the same company and I tried to get her back for a year to no avail. I was devastated after waiting & seeing her at work every week she was with someone else, well that's what she told me at the time. This was too much so I resigned, moved out of my place and went abroad. I returned after two years feeling confident and looking forward to a fresh start. I have been back 6 months happy, getting on with life when I bumped into my ex whilst out shopping with a female friend. I was shocked when I saw my ex who looked absolutely livid, we didn't acknowledge each other but I am sure she looked furious. I started to think she might still have some feelings even though we have had no contact. It was my idea we split (not one of my better decisions) at the time but I never cheated nor was their anybody else. I use to bottle thngs in not commincate and things just got out of hand. Well I sent her a mail asking how she was mentioning seeing her whilst I was outwith a friend. She replied within the hour saying she was fine and asked about me but didn't recall seeing me! Hmmm. Anyway she's not allowed to use mail for personal emails (this is true) and mentioned she couldn't really mail so I sent a final reply with my mobile number. She hasn't got back to me, have I opened a can of worms - I feel that if she doesn't get back to me I could end up losing all the progress I made. Any advise would be welcome please, thank you.

Can you give a little more information on the reasons for your split? It seems like there must be more to this story. It does sound like communication was a big issue, and also sounds like you did the fright and flight, when you did the initial breakup, but then learned that she may have gotten on with her life, and you panicked!

Could it be that you have some control issues, and don't know how to communicate your real feelings? I mean to resign and take such drastic measures to get away from a situation, tells me that you have a hard time when the going gets rough. Do you run from other things when you feel uncomfortable or defeated? Maybe she senses that about you, and maybe she also senses that you read more into things, than those that are really there?

It's been three yrs. and maybe she has just moved on, but you haven't. You may have read more into it, and maybe she really didn't see you at all, like you thought she did. If you really need to, send her one more message. and ask if you can get together for coffee, just as friends. If she doesn't respond, she doesn't want to, and you will have your answer, to just leave everything in the past and move on with your life.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you came back hoping that you would run into her, and maybe she is just really over it.

Good luck!

You bumped into her and read too much into her reaction to seeing you. You tried for a year to get her back, you did your best but to no avail. You resigned and moved away in order to sort yourself out over her and now your so willing to self destruct again over her?
You made a big mistake by getting in touch! It doesn't sound as though she's over eager about hearing from you either. Leave this one in the past - where it belongs!

Well I can't give rep to HeadsHigh again, but he or she is right 100%

Hi everyone, thank you for your input thus far, it's appreciated.

You know I have given this a lot of thought, especially the points made about control and running away from problems. Firstly I don't think I will get constructive opinion or advice if Im not honest so I will say it how it is.

I don't believe I am a controlling person, actually Im the total opposite I feel I did everything I could possibly do to accommodate her in the first two years. Before we started seeing each other I bought a new apartment and felt settled and happy, you know great job, my own place, nice car etc. After being together for about 3 months she said she wanted to move in within the year or she would leave (I know this is not right now). I was besotted by this girl so agreed but their was a twist she refused to move into my new place and insisted we got another (Again I realise now this was not right) I agreed and spent the little money I had left buying another place, essentially to keep her happy.

We moved in together and were happy. I started getting miserable when I realised Id stopped seeing my friends and going o the gym because she said at the time when I was seeing my friends she would have nothing to do. To cut a long story short, I really did try to hold it together but their came a time where I just felt drained and out of energy you know. When I got this point I told her I needed a break and we should just have some space from each other. This did not go down very well; her reaction was over the top and became very clingy which pushed me further away.

We separated for a while about 3 months, and in this time I made a list of issues I believed we should discuss. I approached her and tried to discuss these but she said it was too late. I was devastated, we were still talking, and texting etc so how could you just want to throw it all away without wanted to talk. The next year was a nightmare, I was desperately trying to reason with her and she was using being vindictive and nasty. I learnt she started sleeping with people at work! I think this was the tipping point and I left.

The above is what happened 3 years ago - Leaving was the only option at the time; it has helped me come to terms with the depression and loss I felt then. I don't think I ran away but needed to go to a place where I could find some peace. I've been back now and found a better job than before, Im really enjoying it and am also setting up a new business and really looking forward to the next year and the challenges it brings. Im telling you this so you have an understanding of my personality, I fight for what I believe in but will never run away.

You could try and make us understand your personality until you're blue in the face, but it makes no difference what so ever. She's your downfall and the chances are she's moved on. At this point it really doesn't matter whether you bent over backwards for her or not, its been years so what relevance does it have?

YOU weren't happy, YOU ended the relationship, YOU think you made a mistake but SHE doesn't want you back.

Please don't waste another 3 years regretting that you guys ended. The only thing your doing right now is wasting your time.

Hi HeadsHigh,

Yes I agree. Its too late to salvage anything now - making contact has at least put aside any ill feeling towards each other on my side. I hope she feels the same way, but the truth is it shouldn't really matter anymore.

That puts a little more light on your relationship for sure. First off, she sounds like she was very high maintenance! She didn't seem to be happy with what you had, and was giving you ultimatims left and right! My initial feeling now, is that she sounds like a bit of a gold digger, and she is very hard to please if things don't go her way.

I now think you made a good decision to leave, and try to get your life back on track, without her drama getting in the way of things. It sounds to me as if you have done a lot of work on yourself, and I don't think backtracking and letting her get to you once again is a wise choice. You will likely find yourself right back at square one, where you were a few yrs ago.

Go out and meet some new people, and show her what she missed out on, had she only been patient and not so pushy, and willing to communicate with you when you showed her your list.

In my opinion, you are much better off without her, and I wouldn't skip the track and end up back on a fast track to nowhere.

All the best to you! I'm sure you can do better. :)

Hi Starbuck8,

Your quite right. Ive had a very long time to digest what happened. I have been very critical of myself over the last few years for the failiure but when I slow down and think about it I know deep down she was such hard work. You do everything right so to speak, provide a home, love, affection and security but sometimes it is not enough.

I have a lot to offer the right person - will start my search I know she's out their...

Thank you

You're welcome. I think you knew when you asked your question anyway. You just had a slight set back, and questioned yourself. Now get out there and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are, and how you will treat them, when they give you the same in return! ;)

Hi Guys,

Firstly I feel so much better, the last couple of days have been great and see things as they REALLY are. Although Ive received 3 calls from a blocked number and when I pickup the person on the other side does not speak! Im making a wild guess here but I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out who's been calling me!

From one non rocket scientist to another, I think she is going to try and play games with you for awhile, just because she thinks she can. She probably sees that you've moved on, and maybe she hasn't, and it gets to her ego that you aren't trying to contact or pursue her anymore. Being the high maintenance woman that she seems to be from what you've written, she probably can't stand it, so she is trying to bait you, to see if you'll bite. ;)

Hi Starbuck8

Thanks for your input again. This happened when we got together many moons ago. With the experience I got from this relationshop I can now see the games being played. Im not perfect but I wouldn't play these kind of games, Im not going to bite! The e-mail I sent was for closure, I didn't want any animosity or bad feelings after returning, fresh start etc etc. Not sure how long this will carry on, I guess she'll call a couple of times get no response and give up.

Well I hope you can meet someone new that will not play games or try and take advantage of you for your money. Hopefully she won't keep this game up for very long.

Best of luck to you!

Just stay friends... minimum contact.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hjpan

Just stay friends... minimum contact.

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Cordial in passing sure. Contact NO!

Moving on and moving forward is a slow process and at times, you will relapse, it's normal. Don't beat yourself up over getting in touch with her again. This doesn't mean that the progress you've made will go down the drain. Learn from this as well and keep moving on and moving forward.

Just so your clear, after 3 years, hi and bye is the norm. Emailing her, afterwards was a good way to send the wrong message, and you did. Now forget this whole thing, and get back to your life.