Ask Me Help Desk - Lazy sister in law

If you had a brother who means the world to you and he is married to a lazy slob of a women who is also a career women, You watch as your brother cleans the house, Takes care of the kids and when both he and his wife come home from work, He is the one at the stove getting dinner. This is burning a hole in my gut to see her take advantage of him. He is a very sensitive person so I do not want to get into it with her because I would not hurt him for the world. She is very self centered and has to control everything except where she should be, A house wife, Mother and cook. How do I get through to my brother, He is not the same person he was before he got married. He was always funny, And joked around all the time. Now he seems like he's all stressed out, hardly smiles anymore and is to serious now. How can a women change a man like this, We hardly know him anymore. Has anyone gone through this? And what avenue did you take to remedy it.

Thanks

If he is happy it is better off not to say anything. He could very easily stick up for her and you end up on his wrong side. You could maybe ask him when she isn't around things about how happy is he, but don't say anything against her or the way you see the relationship.

Women do tend to make men depressed but this is his relationship and when outside parties start to get involved... even if they are 100% right then those in the relationship can see it as interference. Instead of you worrying about maybe you should step back and focus on something else to distract you.

I have a bit of a different view point on this.

Before I say this, let me also say that I love my husband dearly, and he's a great guy. :)

My husband works, I've been a stay at home mom for 10 years now, but even when I was a full time career women the situation was still the same.

I do all the housework, all the yard work, take care of the kids, the meals, everything. He works 8 hours a day, I work 18 hours a day, no coffee breaks, no lunch breaks, nothing. Working outside the home will be like a vacation.

Having said that, if the roles were reversed and the wife did everything, would you feel as bad for her as you do for your brother? If you can honestly say yes you would, then you have a legitimate gripe, but most people think that it's the women's responsibility to take care of everything in he home, even if she works.

I will say that it should be 50/50, but that's up to them, not you.

Good luck.

As much as you care for your brother, it is not your place to tell him how things should be done. You can privately ask him if he is happy and listen what he has to say, but do not intrude into someone's relationship, he most likely will side with his wife and you will be in very awkward position.

Ok, let me see, if they came home after both working and SHE did all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids, that is right because she is "suppose" to be the wife and mother.

I really though the middle ages or at least the 1950's were over and men and/or women were free to be or not be this or that.

And to be honest he has to be aware of what he is doing and either he wants to or is doing it anyway, And I will be blunt and not so nice, it is not any of your business what he and his wife do or don't do.

So his wife is not a slave ( bare foot and pregnant perhaps)

Perhaps sharing, personally I cooked every meal when I got home when I was married, why I love to cook, it is fun and relaxes me.

I always helped a lot with the kids, why because I loved my kids and enjoyed every moment I couild have with them.

Stay out of his business. If he is happy, be happy for him. If he isn't he will make his own changes, and its still not your business to interfere.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I have a bit of a different view point on this.

Before I say this, let me also say that I love my husband dearly, and he's a great guy. :)

My husband works, I've been a stay at home mom for 10 years now, but even when I was a full time career women the situation was still the same.

I do all the housework, all the yard work, take care of the kids, the meals, everything. He works 8 hours a day, I work 18 hours a day, no coffee breaks, no lunch breaks, nothing. Working outside the home will be like a vacation.

Having said that, if the roles were reversed and the wife did everything, would you feel as bad for her as you do for your brother? If you can honestly say yes you would, then you have a legitimate gripe, but most people think that it's the womens responsibility to take care of everything in he home, even if she works.

I will say that it should be 50/50, but that's up to them, not you.

Good luck.

Oh , I agree with you. You hit the nail right on the head when you said 50/50. That is how we were brought up, But unfortunately it's not the case. If she is home all day, She does NOTHING, My brother comes home and starts dinner. When he is home all day, She has a meal on the table when she gets home and guess who cleans up after dinner? Yep, My brother. She thinks she is the queen, She is a control freak and that is what she is doing to my brother, She takes advantage of his kindness and sensitivity, I have talked to her to see if they are happy and she said, We are very happy, (I know my brother like I know my heart) The day he says no to her is the day they have big problems. I just wish there was some way to get through to him, He has a very stressful job as it is and to come home and take care the kids, The house, The yard, The laundry while she sits down and has herself a couple beers. I thought, Wait... This is what my Dad did when he came home from work, Relaxed before dinner and then everyone helped out in the kitchen including my brothers. Yes, I would feel the same if the rolls were reversed, I know times have changed since our Moms put the meals on the table for her family, The men now days know how to perform in the kitchen, Maybe too well sometimes in my brothers case. All I know is that he is exhausted and I'm sick and tired of her taking advantage of his kindness and sensitivity, It's her way or no way. She admitted to me that she needs to be in control. There is only so much a person can take before they reach their breaking point and if I don't say something now and I wait any longer, It won't be pretty. I love my brother's and sister, There was never anything we could not say to each other until now. I don't want to hurt my brother, But he deserves better then this, He deserves a women that will give instead of taking all the time.

Thanks for your response.

He may deserve more, but it's his choice, not yours.

I really do understand, I'm not the type of person who can watch someone get walked all over and not say anything, but there are times when it's better just to stand back and wait.

If he's really fed up like you think, then sooner or later the fit will hit the shan, but it's not your place to say anything, it's not your marriage.

Just bite your tongue and be there for him if he comes to you. Until then, you are a spectator, and you keep your mouth shut. ;)

Really, I know it's hard, but trust me on this one. Okay? :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Ok, let me see, if they came home after both working and SHE did all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids, that is right because she is "suppose" to be the the wife and mother.

I really though the middle ages or at least the 1950's were over and men and/or women were free to be or not be this or that.

And to be honest he has to be aware of what he is doing and either he wants to or is doing it anyway, And I will be blunt and not so nice, it is not any of your business what he and his wife do or don't do.

So his wife is not a slave ( bare foot and pregnant perhaps)

Perhaps sharing, personally I cooked every meal when I got home when I was married, why I love to cook, it is fun and relaxes me.

I always helped alot with the kids, why because I loved my kids and enjoyed every moment I couild have with them.

When you were married? I'm not saying that she needs to do everything, Marriage is 50/50. It is my business when I see that my brother is exhausted, I'm not going to wait until he keels over and say, I should have talked to the bi--- about how a wife is supposed to do things for her husband and her family instead of taking, taking and taking. He loves his kids and does not have time to spend with them before they go to bed because he is cleaning the house while she sits on her A-- and watches him do it. After he's done cleaning, He gives the kids their bath and puts them down for the night. It all starts all over again the next day.

I know a lot of girls who think they are queen of the day everyday. They are also drama queen and brag that they are 'da Beeotch'. They don't do anything either, not even have a job. Then they take their guys hard earned money and blow it same day he gets paid...
Get fake nails done, rent video games and DVD's, take them back late charges, rent things from the rental center, bounce checks, then they cry they don't have money to pay the utilities.
They even call their guy at work all day expecting him to take care of things at home while he is at work. Then he ends up fired. Then he is jobless and she calls him a lazy bum all day long even though he is doing all the housework and taking care of the kids and all she is doing is protecting her fake nails by not lifting a finger to help.
The guy puts up with it so it is their choice and nothing anybody can do or say.

OP, if you decide to butt in to your brothers business, be prepared to be outlawed.

You brother is there by choice, he married this women because he loved her, he probably still loves her. If he isn't happy then he has to grow the backbone to do something about it.

I'm sorry, being harsh now, but really, it's not your business. You obviously can't stand your sister-in-law, but you aren't the one who chose her, and it's not your right to tell them how to live their lives.

Sorry, but that's the way it is.