Ok here is the situation. I am married right now and I have found Another woman I Have been waiting for my whole life. I Had a baby with my current wife and was pressured into getting married to her from my parents. I thought I was doing the right thing by getting married. I love my daughter with all my heart and Am afraid if I get a divorce she will think I am a bad dad. I love this other woman that I met and have been seeing her while I am still married, which I know is not cool and unfair to my wife. In Feb. I plan on breaking the news to my wife that I want a divorce. That way It will give us time to get a place established for us to live together. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now. I know she is in love with me and cares a lot for me. And even told me to try and make things work between my wife and me. I am just not happy being married to my current wife. Am I doing the right thing by getting a divorce? I know I am serious about my new love and she is too. I was caught once by my wife with this other woman but I can't let this one go. I have been been waiting for her my whole life. Also I am so happy when we are together. I always open myself up like a book. And spill everything out to her. I need some comments or advice please.

In this situation someone always gets hurt... you are breaking up a family.

Maybe you should look at the problems you have with your wife and see if they can be sorted out, sit and talk to each other find out how she feels right now, it could be she's not happy, airing your thoughts and oppinions to each other may be the opening to recovery for your marriage.
Have you had counciling? They are very helpful and understand difficult times couples have between themselves,adding an unbiast opinion... please try them

This I understand is the second affair you've had,which isn't fair to your wife or child, you owe it to them to try everything possible to make a success of your marriage,if however having tried everything, then sadley you have to take another route,which only you can decide.

What you feel for this other woman,may just be the excitement that you crave in your own marriage, but it will not last,when something's fresh and new everyone feels that way,when you marry and have a family you are content in the love you and your wife share and feel for each other,supporting one another through the ups as well as downs of life and there are many,but as a couple you survive in the knowledge that you will always be there for each other in love and totally dependable.

No one said it was going to be easy,sometimes you just have to try a bit harder.

You didn't mention anything about your wife and the reason you would leave her for this other women besides that you can open up to the new girl emotionally... I'm positive you forgot to mention phycially also!

Have you give this any thought? -
You said your waiting till Feb. to tell her so you could save money for your "new life". I hope you don't plan to leave her to fend for herself,, because she hasn't had the time to "plan" and save.

Im not going to comment on what I think you should do, but I don't think there is any justification in cheating... I don't live in a cave... it happens.

People getting divorces every day. Your situation is unfortunate.
Leave, if that feels right for you. Your wife deserves a husband who would love and cherish her. Good luck in whatever you decide.

If you feel this now, leave her now. Don't plan your new life and save money, and then just leave her to fend for herself. Talk to her. Let her know what's going on. What about your child? Who will she go with? Do you make more money than her? Have you thought about Alimony? There are tons of things to think about here OTHER than YOURSELVE and what YOU want. There is a child involved.

Why wait until Feb? If you cared anything about your marriage you wouldn' continue this lie and tell your wife the truth. Don't you think she deserves that?

Be a man. If you want to leave do it now.
In regards to new woman... I wonder how you will feel once the honeymoon period is over.
I hope it all works out for you.

First you will find this new lady is not near as perfec as you think she is.

And I am sure after a little bit this new one, another one even more perfect will come along, they always do if you are not committed to your marriage.

If you are going to leave, do it now, your wife deserves more

You can rationalize all you want about why you were "forced" to get married to your current wife. However, really think back because you probably initially felt the same way about your current wife that you do with your current girlfriend. It's a shame that you have a child, as it is the children who really suffer in a divorce. Really think through your situation and the possible future implications of your actions, especially since there is a child involved. Try to remember why you were attracted to your current wife in the first place in order to see if your marriage is worth saving. There had to have been an attraction otherwise you wouldn't have had a child with her, even if you say that it was a mistake. As other posters have said, new relationships are always fun. Then after a while, life gets in the way and it gets to be less fun. Everyone goes through it. You have a lot of thinking to do, but I certainly would not string your wife along. If you do decide to go through with the divorce, PLEASE take the high road and make sure that you take care of your child the best that you can, both monetarily as well as emotionally and physically.

Selfless Love / Forsaking All Others

SELFLESS LOVE:. Most people divorce because they feel hurt, wronged, betrayed, bored, "out of love"... whatever, and they divorce because they want to.

Even if the hurt or betrayal is real, the choice to divorce is essentially a selfish one. Mind you, I understand it, I'm just not going to pretty it up with softer terms. Divorce is mostly about me, my rights, my feelings, my wants, etc. But marriage was never meant to be about you, it was supposed to be about giving, and safety, and a sense of foundation in a rocky world.

Before everyone starts lists of good reasons for divorce like physical abuse or abandonment, I acknowledge those. Those are in the TINY minority and aren't my beef.

The day you got married you made some pretty solemn promises. You promised to cleave to this one person forever, forsaking all others. Most people enjoy the vows and are clueless to what it means to live them out.

Forsaking all others means:

• Forsaking feelings for other women - You no longer act on the natural attraction you have for other women. You have them still, they're fine, you simply ignore them...or take the energy that comes from them back home to your wife.
  
• Forsaking "giving up" on your marriage - No longer having an "or else" mentality in your arguments with your wife. You are there for good. No matter how bad (or good) things are, your place will be at her side figuring it all out, together. Quitting, or divorce talk, shouldn't even be allowed in the room. The talk alone is amazingly destructive.
• Forsaking friendships, jobs, extended family that threaten your marriage - Way too many people fail to properly protect their spouses from the ill-will of their parents, siblings, coworkers, neighbors...it's unbelievable. Worse, the arguments that ensue over it actually end some marriages. Mama's boys are cute when dating, but deadly to a marriage.
• Forsaking your own need be right - Debates are fun, but "winning because you're right" is completely beside the point in a marriage. Too many people wield their "rightness" over their partner like a weapon, winning an argument but destroying each other's heart in the process. You don't need to be right, nor to even win, you just need to be heard...and so does she. A healthy man can hear an incorrect viewpoint from him wife and not go off on her for it.
• Forsaking equality - this is the biggie for me. I don't need my wife to treat me the way I treat her. I do it because she's my chosen partner, I promised her my all, I promised her my life, I promised her my best. Whether she does it or not, I will give her these things. Always.

I really need to you read this through a couple of times. What you're doing/planning and "why" is the foundational reason so many things go wrong in the world today. Being unable to honor and cherish and abide our word is how the good in the world is slowly draining away.

And we do it all in the name of "love"... how ironic is that?

When you do leave your wife for this girl, I hope she takes your heart out and stomp on it. This way you would feel all the pain that your wife feels when this happens. Guys like you disgust me.

You couldn't get any lower once you made the statement that you love your wife. You really need to research the word. If you love someone you wouldn't want to hurt them. If this is how you show your love for a woman you made your vows to, go home to everyday, most likely still sleeping with, make a child with, I hate to see how you treat your enemies.

[QUOTE=liz28]When you do leave your wife for this girl, I hope she takes your heart out and stomp on it. This way you would feel all the pain that your wife feels when this happens. Guys like you disgust me.

QUOTE]


He doesn't have a heart...

You are not doing the right thing getting a divorce because you have someone else waiting, that's a recipe for disaster.

It is common that when one lets an infatuation run amok into an affair, it's easy to see all sorts of problems with the marriage & partner that are in fact being unfairly projected by the cheater & belong on their side of the fence. They usually find that out too late when they face the same sort of problems if the affair lasts as long as it takes to get a divorce, which many times it doesn't or ends shortly after that. By then it is too late to make better choices as far as the marriage or the former spouse goes, the damage is done & permanent.

In your case, it sounds like you are harboring anger and/or resentment toward the marriage and/or your spouse due to this "forced" marriage. That is more likely to pop up & become stronger when you have a girlfriend to reinforce them instead of being able to properly sort them out in a more appropriate way. Like with your wife, a good friend in a good marriage and/or professional help.

The fact that your girlfriend is telling you to make things right with your wife (& child) isn't hard to do, it's just words. Her actions say she's OK with you lying & cheating which a good friend wouldn't be. It's like her telling you robbing banks is wrong but she'll drive the getaway car if you want to be a criminal anyway.

If your girlfriend was sincere in wanting your marriage to work, she would stop having anything to do with you so you could sort things out for yourself by yourself. She wants you to think she wants the best for you but in fact is acting as selfishly as you are, so when you two get the chance to have both of yourself centeredness clash without the drama & lust of an affair to keep things going in a "fun" way, things can & often do get ugly very quickly with cheaters.

Since you plan to divorce, you need to let your wife know immediately & that you've replaced her with someone else so she can start making better choices for herself instead of getting even more blindsided in Feb.

And before you think this or any other girlfriend is perfect for you, some help in finding out more about yourself & relationships / marriage is strongly suggested so that when you do make a commitment, it sticks instead of making you feel trapped like you are feeling now. Any relationship will do that if you keep thinking the grass is greener somewhere else without being able to see much manure it takes to keep it that way, while letting your lawn at home get full of weeds & unwatered.

Any relationship is going to be good or bad depending on a variety of factors, & the quality of it will always be severely limited or greatly enhanced by what you put into it. You're not putting much into your marriage, so you're not getting much out of it. Instead, you blame your dissatisfaction on the marriage itself or your wife who is still reeling from catching you cheating once already. You have a lot of work to do there to make things right & your girlfriend seems a good escape for you right now instead. Another part of the attraction fueling your selfish actions.

If you don't make better choices immediately, you will find that the relationship with the girlfriend will likely suffer as soon as the "fun" part passes & you're back to actually having to make a real relationship work with the limited skills you have at this point. Then you will be unhappy again & looking for someone new to be "perfect" again. No human is perfect, no relationship or marriage is perfect. Once you are in a real relationship with your girlfriend instead of using her to escape the problems in the marriage you already have some of which you created by cheating, the girlfriend won't seem so perfect anymore.

It takes effort to make & keep things good in our lives & no one else can do that for us, we have to learn how to be happy & satisfied from the inside out & improve things without cheating as a solution. You have so far not learned how to be happy with the blessings you do have & are still looking for someone else to "make" you happy, which is not going to work out for you now or in the future.

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Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp

The fact that your gf is telling you to make things right with your wife (& child) isn't hard to do, it's just words. Her actions say she's ok with you lying & cheating which a good friend wouldn't be. It's like her telling you robbing banks is wrong but she'll drive the getaway car if you want to be a criminal anyway.

If your gf was sincere in wanting your marriage to work, she would stop having anything to do with you so you could sort things out for yourself by yourself. She wants you to think she wants the best for you but in fact is acting as selfishly as you are, so when you two get the chance to have both of your self centeredness clash without the drama & lust of an affair to keep things going in a "fun" way, things can & often do get ugly very quickly with cheaters.

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Couldn't be more true. She's no angel just because of what she said... "beware of sheep in wolves clothing"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rayray82

Ok here is the situation. I am married right now and I have found Another woman I Have been waiting for my whole life. I Had a baby with my current wife and was pressured into getting married to her from my parents. I thought i was doing the right thing by getting married. I love my daughter with all my heart and Am afraid if i get a divorce she will think I am a bad dad. I love this other woman that I met and have been seeing her while I am still married, which i know is not cool and unfair to my wife. In Feb. I plan on breaking the news to my wife that I want a divorce. That way It will give us time to get a place established for us to live together. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now. I know she is in love with me and and cares alot for me. and even told me to try and make things work between my wife and me. I am just not happy being married to my current wife. Am I doing the right thing by getting a divorce? I know i am serious about my new love and she is too. I was caught once by my wife with this other woman but I can't let this one go. I have been been waiting for her my whole life. Also I am so happy when we are together. I always open myself up like a book. and spill everything out to her. I need some comments or advice please.

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I believe you are doing the right thing. Follow your heart.. life is too short to live with regrets so make your decision wisely. You need to follow what you believe is best for you. You can still be in your daughters life.. I am 18 and my parents were a one nighter and I love my father with all my heart.. and just because I am 18 doesn't mean I don't know how you feel.. I mean listen, what about when your daughter gets older and you can't take your wife any longer.. [[its never going to be a right time]] but the sooner the better.. if you know you aren't getting anywhere with your wife, then do not, I repeat DO NOT waist yours or her time... good luck! :D

People, don't be cruel
Life is longer then love
If he is out of love with his wife, then both of them have to move on
Good luck to poster
Marriage is sacred as long as it's not a jail to anyone involved
If you feel smothered, get out while you can, life is way too short to be miserable
Good luck:)

The part I don't like, which speaks volumes to me, is your willingness to hide, and slink around, rather than stand up and be honest. Not just with your soon to be ex, but everyone involved, including yourself. That makes you a liar, cheater, and deceiver, and not about doing the right thing, but the easy thing. Tell your wife the truth now rather than later.