Hello all,

I believe that I am very naïve when it comes to relationships. I started my first 'real' relationship 2 years and 5 months ago and to this day I feel like there is something lacking between my significant other and I. The problem is, I can't seem to figure it out so I will ask every one here.

1.) How to: Make myself not so available all the time (make him want me)?

2.) How to: Tell him how I feel without it sounding like I'm nagging?

3.) How to: Keep him coming back for more (miss me)?

Thank you!

Well as a man I can say I struggled with some of these same issues. I think the first one is make a life outside of the relationship. Go out with friends etc.. Make it a point to this on a regular basis. You time and not us time is something I learned form my last relationship can keep it going strong. I believe this will handle 1 and 3 number 2 I'm not sure women can communicate with men without sounding nagging lol j/k. I think when I feel a women is nagging is because of her tone or because she keeps bringing up the same thing over and over however I myself have been guilty of the same thing nagging that is :)

Thank you for your reply kuulski.

Trying to maintain 'my time' is my problem and I know it. Before I met him I was out every day and night with my friends. There was never a day that I was sitting at home, alone and bored. When I met him, most of that changed. I still went out but not as much. Then in October of 2007, I moved in with him after being together for 1.5 years. Since then I probably hung out with one good friend 5 times. I can't seem to make friends where I currently live because I work 8:30-5:30, Monday through Friday and on the week ends all I want to do is spend time with him.

Nagging. I hate that word. To me, it's telling him how I feel. To him, it's nagging. It's funny that you said 'I think when I feel a women is nagging is because of her tone or because she keeps bringing up the same thing over and over' because that's exactly what he said. I'll ask you a question: If a problem doesn't get resolved the first time around and it keeps happening over and over again, wouldn't you get frustrated?

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Originally Posted by bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

Hello all,

I believe that I am very naive when it comes to relationships. I started my first 'real' relationship 2 years and 5 monts ago and to this day I feel like there is something lacking between my significant other and I. The problem is, I can't seem to figure it out so I will ask every one here.

1.) How to: Make myself not so available all the time (make him want me)?

2.) How to: Tell him how I feel without it sounding like I'm nagging?

3.) How to: Keep him coming back for more (miss me)?

Thank you!

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1. You said you always see him on the weekends, so maybe he also feels the routine so when he is expecting to see you, go have some "me" time and get your nails done and see a movie. Even if it's by yourself, it will strike him as non-routine and maybe get things going.

2. This is weird, because I always want my girlfriend to tell me how she feels. Communication is key to the relationship, maybe try explaining that to him?

3. Just make yourself busy, it will make him miss you. Every other weekend try and go out with someone or even just yourself for a few hours. It will make him wonder what's changing and perhaps he should take an interest. I'm not sure where you live but maybe you could even go sight seeing by yourself or with a friend?

Oh Romey, your advice is spectacular!

What I don't get is that even when I do go out and have 'me time' it doesn't seem to change him wanting or missing me. It's like he could care less if I go out or stay in with him.

Just last night, after attempting to get affectionate with him, he said that he didn't want to hug or kiss me and didn't know why. It hurt me to the extreme.

I feel as thought this needs to be addressed quickly or it will grow into a far greater problem. Communicate with him to find out if something is bothering him lately, perhaps stress at work?

I constantly ask him those questions and I get the same, darn answer every time: Nothing.

I know this is overly simplistic, but it's a metaphor I can run with. When a computer just stops acting normally, things stop working correctly, sometimes the only answer is reboot, reformat, reinstall.

Reboot - start things over with your guy. That means ANYTHING that doesn't apply to a relationship "just starting" has to be removed. That means moving out. Sorry, a clean reboot means you two are on separate and equal ground. Living together greatly accelerates familiarity and apathy.

Reformat - this is the same for any new relationship. You need to develop clear NEW ways of interacting with one another. So, nothing that "was" will remain. After you establish yourself in a place of your own, you two start again, dating again, looking after one another from afar again, and you do it in new places, strive to not repeat old habits and haunts.

Reinstall - It's critical to remember that dating and companionship is supposed to be MOSTLY about giving. Guys REALLY struggle with this (I am one, I know). After the initial courting phase, we really, REALLY fall into ruts and routines and familiarity. It is critical that this time around, you do NOT allow any shortcuts for him to get comfortable in.

Your man will most want what is not handy and available at all times. So, you need a fully developed life, goals, activities, accomplishments, outings... and you include him in SOME of it. You make a place for him in your life while dating, but you do NOT wrap your life around him.

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Unfortunate afterthought - not every computer survives a reboot/reformat/reinstall. But you still learn from the process, and when you get your next computer, you're better prepared to not repeat the previous computing blunders.

Thank you JB, you are correct in saying that I need to have my own life. I have been wanting to move out so desperatly; not to break up with him but to renew our relationship, like you said. If I were to move out he would take it as I don't want to be with him.

How do I try to avoid those shortcuts with which makes him comfortable?

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Originally Posted by bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

How do I try to avoid those shortcuts with which makes him comfortable?

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Although it is important to be aware your partner's comfort level and feelings, it is vital that you do NOT try to manage them for him. Just be aware.

Moving out is a must. He's going to feel about it the way his maturity level lets him feel. You have to be OK with that. You HAVE to not be manipulated by his "ways".

For you to truly be comfortable in your own skin, then clearly and calmly express what you're doing and why to your guy... that's the best you can do. Anything that comes back from him that feels unreasonable and controlling IS unreasonable and controlling. You don't respond to stuff like that. No reward of any kind, not even anger or defensiveness.

When someone hands you unreasonable, you hand it back, no anger, don't defend, just hand it back and restate your truth.

YOU: "We aren't doing well living together. I'm getting a place of my own so we can have a more normal courtship, ok?"
HIM: "Please don't break up with me. I love you so much! I'll die without you."
YOU: "I love you, too. I'm getting a place of my own so we can have a more normal courtship, OK?"
HIM: "We can't survive this, please don't do this!!!"
YOU: "Do you want to help me pick out a place close by? I don't want too much distance between us."
HIM: GLOOM...DESPAIR....
YOU: "How about Chinese tonight?"
HIM: "You don't care at all, you're making fun of me."
YOU: "I love you enough to let you feel things the way you want, even if you aren't listening to what I'm saying. Chinese?"

Lack of communications has broken up many a partners, and that's where your headed. I don't think you'll get anywhere trying to attract him, but expressing your displeasure will at least get his attention, and that would be honest, wouldn't it?

Maybe this thing has run its course, since he doesn't seem to be trying to work with you. Be honest with yourself, and him, express your feelings, and if he doesn't put as much work in as you do, this very unequal relationship dies a natural death. No shame in that, the shame is trying to charge a dead battery, now that's a waste.

If he ignores you, and says it nagging, that's a red flag that he doesn't care. When a guy does nothing, and without explanation, that's a red flag also, that he doesn't care. You may be trying to charge that dead battery.