Ask Me Help Desk - I'm lying to my best friend what should I do

I'm lying to my best friend what should I do

About 11 year ago before I really knew my best friend now,she was married to someone and I slept with him when I was drunk she knew he used to come to my house but I was friends with his friends so they often did,at the time I denied it it was meant to be kept between me and him but he told everyone anyhow somehow I got him to say he made it up when she was there,at the time I was a bit wild I was selfish and had no respect for myself,since then she has been divorced from him and is in a happy relaitionship with a child and during the past 5 year we have become really good friends,I want to tell her the truth as I hate lying but I'm scared it will ruin the friendship and she won't trust me anymore,its just that the past has a way of creeping up on you,am I best leaving the past where it is or should I tell her the truth,I've thought about writing her a letter.

Honesty is always the best policy, you reap what you sew. Maybe enough time has settled that things aren't going to get bad

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Honesty is always the best policy, you reap what you sew. Maybe enough time has settled that things aren't going to get bad

thanks for advice I know honesty is prob best but should I bring up something from 11 years ago when it has all been forgotten,I might go for the letter.

I agree with Romefalls that maybe enough time has passed. She obviously knows you better now and can see that you've changed if you two are best friends. You will feel better if you tell her though and everything is out in the open.

Thanks,I might have to get her drunk first.LoL

I'm not sure what my opinion is on this whole thing.

I guess, the question that I want to ask is "what is the purpose of telling her?"

Is it only to alleviate your own conscience? Because you think she deserves to know? Once she knows, what will she do with that information?

Be honest with yourself - if telling her is only to make yourself feel better... that might not be the best course of action.

I would say go for it. I hate confrontation more than anyone knows so while I understand the letter thing, I think in person is better or at least over the phone. I really think it will make you feel so much better and while she might not like to hear it, she will respect you for telling her the truth. Just put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself what you would want you to do from that perspective... that usually helps me out.

Honesty is the best policy, but be aware of the consequences of alleviating your guilt. She may disown you, and your friendship, and that would be fair, or she may forgive, and then you'll feel better.

Don't be a canary and sing about it. This happened a long time ago, she's happy, this will only clear your conscience. It was your mistake live with it. Make up for it by being a great friend now, don't cause her any unpleasantness. Ask yourself the question, "why would I tell her". If the answer has anything to do with you, then do not tell her. Don't be selfish. Will this change anything in her life now?

If u can't tell her to her face write her a letter but be there when she reads it so u can talk after.

it's a win/loose situation. Either way she's likely to be upset with you for stabing her in the back, you were suppose to be her friend and lied to her face. How is she to trust you ever again? It sounds like the two of you are really close and its going to hurt you as much to tell her as it will for her to hear it. Tell her, be sure to let her know you had to tell her because you value the friendship. Good luck!

I vote for telling her the truth. The best way to do it may be to write a letter & either read it to her in person (so she can see how remorseful you truly are) or over the phone if you think that might be better for her to handle. If you write out everything you have to say, then you have a better chance to get it all out in one fell swoop. Otherwise you may forget something important you want to say & you can ask her to please not respond until you are done.

She deserves to know the truth about what was going on in her own life with her own H at the time. It sounds like she suspected or even asked & was told it never happened? So she is left doubting herself & her judgment, perhaps even told she was just a jealous shrew that had no right to think such a thing about him. It could give her closure that he has not & won't. It was a long time ago, she is with someone else & has a happier, better relationship now. That doesn't mean she doesn't still wonder what went on back then at times or that the damage being with a lying cheater did is completely healed, even if she's definitely moved successfully past it at least to a great extent which is obviously good.

This would be an incredibly difficult thing for you to do, but I think it would be a good thing. Everyone is different & she may not want to know. You could get a feel for what her preference is by asking when you can, "If you were done wrong by someone a very long time ago, would you want to know?" If she says yes, read her your apology letter. If no, then let it go.

I also suggest getting Gary Chapman's book on apologies or googling them on the net to find out how to make a really good apology, this situation needs one & you want to increase your chances of keeping her as a friend. I know I have several good articles on how to properly apologize just from the net free, so they aren't hard to find. If you want, I can help point you in the right direction.

This is from his book: The Five Languages of Apology

Expressing Regret
"I am sorry"

Accepting Responsibility
"I was wrong"

Making Restitution
"What can I do to make it right?"

Genuinely Repenting
"I'll try not to do that again"

Requesting Forgiveness
"Will you please forgive me?"

Id like to add that you should tell her to her face its more personal. The letter just seems really kidish, and cowardly. Your best friends, you don't write a letter to your best friend. Friends like that are more like family. Anyone agree?

Honesty is the best policy. Just listen to me and you will not to go go true this!

Trust me!! :)

Just sit down with her then tell here sincerely how and why it happened. I'm sure she'll understand. Although you have to expect that things might become all weird between you two. Be ready for that.

What? How and why it happened! NO! please spare her the details. Details don't matter its in the past lets move forward.

It all depends on the kind of girls SHE is. I mean, it seems like your either "afraid" to tell her because she's a strong personality or you are a person who avoids "making waves" under any circumstance. If this is a subject matter that is sensitive to her, I would avoid telling her. However if she's easy going about the past husband... then do it. OR you can just get her drunk! (OMG, but she'll soberrrr uppppp and rememberrrr everything you saiddddd!! Lol).

Old enough to be sleeping around with guys, old enough to be responsible for any actions.

Romefalls is right.. you need to open up with your friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by akez

what? how and why it happend! NO! , please spare her the details. Details dont matter its in the past lets move forward.

Even if you try to spare her the details, I'm sure she's going to ask about it anyway. Learn to deal with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ivory0921

Even if you try to spare her the details, I'm sure she's going to ask about it anyways. Learn to deal with it.

Would you want the details? This is an ex love and best friend Ivory! Learn to deal with it? Deal with betrayal from your best friend, your husband, the lies, and sneaking around... and then want the details?