OK I will apologise in advance about the length.
Basically I'm a 24 year old male and recently my girlfreind of 7 years broke up with me. It has devastated me beyond belief. I know we were together from a young age and at first it was probably puppy love but over that time our love grew stronger and stronger every day to a point where I know we were both deeply in love.
So about 2 months ago she, a couple of days before our 7th anniversary she told me that she feels she needs space to work what she wants. There was no signs that I could see. Nothing. She was always such a dedicated and loving girlfriend and it has shocked all my firned and family to hear what has happened. She would often talk of one day down the track getting married and having kids. But she said that things that used to be important to her no longer are. She is lost in her life and for the first time I can't help her.
She pretty much gave me the old I love you but I'm not in love with you line. For the first few weeks I tried ever so hard not to contact her and giver her space as a I knew this would be the best but it was just so hard. I didn't want to let her slip away all together. But I eventually relaised the more I tried the further it pused her away. We would run into one another out and I would try as hard as I could to be strong and make out that I was getting on with my life but it was just too hard. She could see that I wasn't OK and would apologise for hurting me and get upset herself.
So for the last couple of weeks I have made sure there has been no contact between us at all. I miss her ever so much and dearly want her back.
It is just so confusing. I look for answers that aren't there. She has had a very difficult life in the fact that she is the eldest of 4 daughters and has had to care from them her whole life. Her mum and dad split years ago, upon which her father met another women and had a baby boy to her. At around the age of two this young boy died which deeply hurt my girlfriend and family. This sent her father off the rails and he went to prison which also was hard for her to take.
Not long ago her father was released from prison and his life was going great but he developed cancer and my girlfriend had to nurse him to his death for 2 years. This was a very hard experince for not only her but also me because I was there to assist whenever I could.
Throughout this whole time I have been there for her and I know was one of the only things that kept her going. My love. But now her troubles are in the past it seems maybe that she wants to be young and not have to worry about having to 'answer' to someone.
She is a good person and not being selfish. It is just so hard for me to understand. I miss her so much but know that telling her that isn't going to help. I want to move on but I can't just flick a switch and stop loving her. I am surrounding myself with friends and family and it is helping greatly but it still doesn't replace my love.
I guess I'm scared too. Because we have grown up together and every adult issue in life we have had to facce we have done so together. We have been there for one another. I guess being alone to face these issues will make me a stronger person but id prefer to have her by my side.
Once again sorry for how long this is but once I start typing and talking I just can't stop.

First let me say welcome, and I hope we can shed some light on things for you. I went through a very similar situation not too long ago. I am 24 as well, and was with my ex (also VERY loving) for 5 years. Out of the blue she said she needed "space". You are doing a good thing by not talking to her or contacting her. No email, texts, letters right? Its funny how we try and make excuses for peoples actions chalking it up to "a hard life" but the thing is, she was with you for 7 years, so why is that a factor now? Sometimes people just need a change in their lives, it sounds like she has been honest with you telling you "she is not in love with you anymore" and I know that hurts, but trust me, it's a LOT better than her leading you on like my EX did. Things are not going to be easy for a while. It took me about 4 months to be able to even look at another girl, but you have to just let her go. If you chase her, she will run. When long relationships like this break up it is nearly impossible to work things out in a way where both parties will be comforitable together again (this means as friends too). Your hurt, that's understood, and you have the right idea on how to handle it. Jeez, I know how my break up made me a complete mad man so I know what you are going through. Try and get a hobby or something to help keep your mind off her. Join a gym or something, just do anything you can to keep you mind off the situation. In your situation, it sounds like she is just ready to move on. Be glad she had the guts to let you know that, maybe somewhere down the road you can be friends. You are doing just fine, but it will take time for you to move on. Try listening to some new music, go out with your friends, make yourself happy. I know its hard, but you have to start picking up the pieces. Best of luck to you my friend, I can totally relate.

Already I'm glad I joined and posted my message. Thanks for some great advice. I always knoew I wasn't alone but it is still comforting and reassuring to hear from other peoples expereince. Oh trust me too. I was a mad man for while. Lol.
Thanks a lot for that!

HI jeff and skell, GREAT advice Jeff you have not only come a long way but have helped a lot of people by sharing THUMBS UP! Give it time skell and it works out!:cool:

Hey Skell, Im there with you man. I went through a REAL hard time as well. I was seriously INSANE for a while. I didn't know who I was for a while there. Don't worry, I think a lot of peple go through that phase. Just TRY to stay true to who you are as a person. Nothing you do, or don't do will change the situation you are in, just remember that. Its not your fault at all and you did nothing wrong. Just be you brother and you can't go wrong. If you want, look at my profile and read my 2nd (I think thread) it might help you see a lot that I went through, and give you an insight to what you are going through as well.

Hi, Skell,
You are not alone!
At 24 years old, I got married. Seven years later, it ended in Divorce, with two small boys, 5 and 6 yrs old. I thought my life had ended, and thought my world was over. Gone was the chance to have a family as I grew up in!
Took me a year to start dating again. Married again after 3 years, now for 29 yrs.
Most of us have experienced losing someone. I also lost my first girlfriend, after being together for about 5 yrs. to someone else!
Hang in there, keep being with others, and you can do it. We don't want to completely shut the door on the past, but we have to deal with it, remember the good times, and move on.

Here's a little more to the situation from her side... see, through her adult life she has only dated you. In most situation this is not good. She needs to date other people I hate to say - plus she never got to experience, for a lot of reason, the 'wild girl' stage of her life. She needs excitement in her life and I am wondering if you did not bring that??

Please keep up the no contact.

You can never convince a woman to like you. You need to figure out WHAT pushed her away. Where you too needy in the end? Too clingy? Did you make her your life - put her on a pedestal?

That which is chased - runs.

People want what they can't have.

See in all relationships, people need mystery, some doubt - it appears she had you 110%... this can easily be created when you have other things in your life - good friends (ALWAYS have a guys night out, or poker night, or go to a game, concert), family, work, school, religion, sports, WORKOUT!! hobbies etc.

Woman are part of your life, not your life.

The only way she comes back is IF you move on.

DATE, date, date. And date more.

Work on YOURSELF - workout!!

Don't return ANY calls, e-mails, text. Do not.

Quote:

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throughout this whole time I have been there for her and I know was one of the only things that kept her going. My love. But now her troubles are in the past it seems maybe that she wants to be young and not have to worry about having to 'answer' to someone.

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Dear skell, you've pretty much reached a logical conclusion and are thinking in the right direction.

If you don't want to loose her friendship, and can get to a stage where you can handle being with her without the longing for the past, you might be able to still be there for her on that basis. This is your choice, and only you can make it - but you could offer your support and reassurance that you don't hate her and let her 'test her wings'.

You've shared a lot through good and bad times, and something like that never can be forgotten - and I don't think she'll forget either. She might just need some time to herself to develop and find what she thinks she's missed out on in life.

At any rate, it would be useless to expect her to live a lie and go back to the way things were - you'd constantly keep wondering about the reasons she stayed if she came back to you now without being certain of what she wants.

Who knows, she might also reassess her life and find that she wants what she had - hope you are ready to handle that situation when it comes - and that you'll be kind if you don't feel that same way.

Consider yourself lucky that you did not marry in a hurry and that she did not confront you with this as a wife who missed out on something and then was dishonest to you and herself about it.

Please keep us posted, and lots of luck and best wishes.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifIt's hard to forget a loss, but the pain does eventually go away. And it's OK to keep the fond memories.

Thank you so much eveyone for the advice. It really does help immensely. Its funny wildcat what you say. When I look at the relationship now I don't think the problem was me being clingy. I never was at all. I always had boys nights, as she had her girls nights. We were young and always tried not to tie one another down and still enjoy ourselves. Our friendship base was strong and it was something I know she loved. Which also confuses me a little because now we have lost that. We both still have great friends but we don't do those couples things that we both loved before. She did have me 100% but I can't help but think maybe sometimes I was selfish. I always expected her to do things with me and my friends and family and I probably didn't put enough back into her side. Not that I was ever rude to her friends or family but maybe I could have made it better. And it is something that I would love to fix and get another chance but perhaps that will never come.
So I don't think it was clingyness. Perhaps selfishness at times but definitely not always.
And chery one of the things that does bring me some solace is the fact that I'm sure I helped her get through what was hopefully for her sake the toughest part of her life. And it makes me feel nice to know that I helped her and I dearly hope she never forgets it because I never will. The expereinces we went through helped me grow so much as a person but it hurts that I can't be there for her now. At this stage I would love to be there but I can't for my sake and I can't because I don't think she needs me to be at this stage.

Hey Skell... Ive been reading a book recently about relationships where they discuss the need to "learn to give the person what THEY need" - "learn and ask what THEY want in a realtionship" - We are so stuck in the ME generation. Everyone looks out for what they want. It sort of co-existing... learning to take care of THEIR needs as well.

Do you think it was too one side? That can really make a person very resentful. Very resentful and they feel like they are taken for granted. You literally push them away.

I don't know if I was totally selfish. There is no doubt things that I would change but I'm sure if you asked anyone on here about there relationships there is things they could do or have done better.
I have certainly learnt from this expereince and I want another chance to show her what I have learnt and it scares me that I won't get that. Either way I am a beter person out of this and have learnt a lot about myself.
She doesn't give me any signs to say they she felt it was too one sided or that she is resentful. After 7 years I feel I was getting better as a partner so I would have thought it would have happened eariler.
Without looking at my relationship with rose coloured glasses I do think by and large we were good and both parites were happy. Obviously as I am on here and now single that wasn't the case but I am driving myself crazy looking for answers. I know its only time that will help but as I say I am in love with her and can't just flick a switch and turn it off. Thanks everyone for the support. The people on here really are fantastic.

I think your pretty far advance here. And I agree... "if you asked anyone on here about there relationships there is things they could do or have done better." Including WIldcat!

You can't dwell on the past though. You have to work on yourself going forward.

Only time will tell what happens... but would avoid her for now... make her miss you... improve yourself in every aspect.

I suppose I am fairly advanced in respect to understanding what has happened. But I fear this has only come about because I haven't seen or spoken to her for a few weeks. My biggest fear is that if / when I run into her again I will go back to square 1. that is what has happened in the past. I see her and I try and be strong and act as if I am dealing with things without her but eventually the charade falls apart. Who knows. Hopefully next time I will be stronger. I am trying to move on and improve myself. I am fitter than I've ever been, I'm about to graduate from university (im in Australia and we call it university not college) and I'm spending time with my friends and family. But deep down I am still hurting and very much in love with her. I wonder all the time what she is doing and where she is and even when peopl might mention to me that they seen her it tweaks on the heart strings.
Answer this for me please. Is it wrong that the only reason I'm not contacting her is in the hope that this might make her come back one day. I know the reason I should not contact her is because I am moving on but deep down and not wanting to lie to myself or this forum, the truthful reason that I am not making contact is because I hope that it will make her miss me and want me back and I suppose fear of rejection is another reason as well. Is this the wrong attitude?

She is not going to come back PERIOD. Get that through your head now, and save yourself MONTHS OF PAIN. Let go man, you anything you can NOT to contact her. You are saving yourself respect and working on the healing process. I would tell you just get that silly little thought out of your head now. BAH! I went through the same thing, and didn't listen to anyone. Listen if you want, but Im right here... trust me.

Skell, Jeff told you right,work on YOURSELF, you do not know what the future brings I suggest you be ready!! :cool:

Hi Skell-
I read you've got, and generally speaking, I agree with what they say.
With jeff's last one, as well.

I would like to make some points:
She might very well be gone for good. In this case, you must move own, for your own sake, for your life. The more you fall back into the what we had, and what we could have had -the more painful and destructive it will be for your future.


It doesn't matter how much you'll review things in your head - you might never get the exact answer to the why question. It might be that she doesn't precisely know it either.


What both of you must do now, is grow up separately, grow an individual personality. For all the years when we form our grown up personality, you've been together, influencing each other, plus, she had all this diff. background to deal with, even if you were there, it was still 1st of all her package.
She wants to find her own self now, to understand who she really is, without anything else she has to take care of. Only then shell know what is it she ants.
If both of you are lucky, it will be you.
I'M NOT SAYING IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN! IT'S A HUGE IF!

IF it ever does, you must be an independent, strong, mature, person. free of resentment and grudge - this is not mature!


only 2 strong personalities can make a healthy relationship, based on MUTUAL: love, respect (of you, your needs, and the other one self and needs), and trust.

Both of you must find out exactly where each of you "begins" and "ends".


DON't date for her sake- ONLY for yours.

Enjoy your freedom - that's the way to see it.


If you take advantage of what's going on now to make the best for yourself, it will help you heal faster, grow faster.

It might happen that in a while, you won't wish her back.

Because you'll be a diff. person, with diff. needs.

The first thing is to view this as a positive turn and not as a disaster - in time, you might be even grateful to her for all this - and ONLY then you might turn to be good friends.

I wish you all the best of luck, and I apologize for the long answer, but I do hope it will help.
Take care,
Millie:)

Please don't apologise at all. It made a lot of sense and it has helped a lot to read the responses I have been getting.
I guess I may have gone a little bit down the wrong path by saying the ONLY reason I haven't contacted her is in hope she will come back as that isn't entirely true. Although I do hope she does but know she most probably won't part of me still longs for her. But in saying that I am definitely moving on in my own way. I have set up a date with a person that is purely looking for some friendship at the moment which I think will be great. I'm getting out and about and meeting people. I'm not doing this because of her but because I want to heal. I have only just joined this forum but believe me compared to where I was about 2 months ago I have come along way but I know there is still much further to travel.
Thanks everyone for the advice and feel free to continue to contribute. I enjoy reading your responses each day and it helps me get by.

I'm happy you move in a very healthy direction: true friendship is the cornerstone to all sound relationships.
Good luck and take care,
Millie

Yes - I agree on the friendship. Relationships start in many different ways, but IF you can be friends and enjoy the same things and push each and keep up with each other - that's a good thing. Hopeful you enjoy the same foods, same activities... but also have separate interests.