Once you have lost that "special" thing in marriage because of all the familiarity or what not... How do you bring back the intimacy in marriage? How do you bring out all the passion you once had or build passion if you have never had it? Seriously, if so many of us are not happy in our marriages, going back to other relationships, leaving great people because we are not happy, what are we looking for? How do you find that with your spouse? How do you ask your spouse for what is missing?

The reasons marriages become stale is that we stop giving as much. The more familiar you are with someone, the ability to act selfishly starts to take over again.

Sex is a prime example. We all need it, getting married means we are only allowed to get it from one source. So, at first, things are great, then it starts to feel like a chore, and we remember less and less we are doing it to GIVE comfort and pleasure, and we respond solely by how we feel.

"I'm not in the mood." (Yeah, so what?)
"I only get sex from you and you're saying 'no'?"
"You're so insensitive."
"Me!?"

It's silly, and it's sad, and it's common.'

There's an adrenaline effect, too. The more relaxed your lifestyle, overall, the less the libido drives. A man that plays basketball on a Saturday morning with his buddies finds his body strangely revved up sexually later that day. Physical activity on a regular basis does wonders... mostly fun activity.

Also, televisions... bad effect on marital sexuality. Sex is a great relaxation tool, but not if you're in the habit of relaxing in front of the TV.

If you want to rev up the passion for your man sexually, you should look at the way you two spend the rest of the day. Your hobbies, the amount physical touching that goes on throughout the day that isn't sexual is critical.

There is tons of great info if you google: passion marriage

Myths about passion in the bedroom - Love and Marriage - MSNBC.com

Myths about passion in the bedroom: Sex doesn't have to die in marriage — & desire can be rekindled

Below, are common myths about “sexless marriages” from Drs. David Schnarch & Ruth Morehouse, who have over 40 years of clinical experience & reviewing research on sex & marriage.

MYTHS:

6. Rekindling desire is virtually impossible once it dies. Rekindling sexual desire is not a snap, but it certainly is doable if you address it directly. Most couples have to rekindle sex, because sexual boredom is virtually certain due to the way sex operates in long-term relationships. Once couples rule out everything that makes them nervous, they do whatever is left over. Years of “leftovers” makes sex boring. However, sexual novelty is only introduced by one partner suggesting something new that the other isn’t completely comfortable doing.

8. Desire isn’t something you can make yourself feel, either you do or you don’t. It’s like “sexual chemistry. The common idea of “sexual chemistry” has two main parts: One is that when you have “chemistry,” sex is effortless & automatic. The other is that once sex dies, the “chemicals” are used up & there is nothing you can do. This erroneous viewpoint is popular because we love the notion that sexual relationships don’t take work if you’re “meant for each other” or “in love.” However, there are lots of things you can do to get yourself in the mood for sex. For example, loose that extra ten pounds, let yourself fantasize in advance, take a nice bath, or wear sexy underwear that make you feel hot. Confronting underlying problems in your relationship can really help too.

9. Sexual desire problems mean you’re falling out of love or something else is going wrong in your marriage. Normal couples have sexual desire problems because the processes of self-development permeate love relationships. This shows up as arguments about autonomy, power, status, & feeling controlled. When you & your partner are struggling over whether you (your body) first belong(s) to yourself (& you can share if you want to) or your partner has a right to your body because you agreed to monogamy, it’s not uncommon to stop having sex for months or a year or more.

A Marital Spark: 6 Principles For More Passion And Energy In Marriage | Zen Habits

A Marital Spark: 6 Principles For More Passion & Energy In Marriage

Many people also don’t go into a relationship having thought through worst case scenarios. What’s the worst that could happen in a marriage? Is it the prospect of divorce? Maybe. For me, the worst case scenario would be marital monotony. Settling for the same thing each & every day for as long as we both shall live. Where do I sign? How do so many marriages end up ho-hum? I think the answer lies in this statement: people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.

They choose to settle with their spouse. The idea becomes “well if this is as good as it’s going to get, ok,” or “they are never going to change so I might as well get used to it.” In this scenario, the only thing left to do is wait for death, which may be a long way off. So what’s the secret to a lasting marriage? It’s simple, two people who choose to stay together. That’s it. But what’s the secret to a passionate and adventurous marriage? Glad you asked.At first guess, your answer may be love. The cynic Ambrose Bierce defines love as “a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.”

The answer really lies in the realization that marriage is not about happiness, it’s about the two people becoming better humans. Marriage done right is a people growing machine. Marriage will test you, stretch you, and cause you to grow. This is inherit in every committed relationship. We want the best from them. They want the best from us.

Rather than making marriage more complicated than it has to be, here are 6 principles that are key to adding passion & energy to marriage.

1. Grow spiritually. Whether you believe in God or some other higher power, it’s safe to say that many people believe there is a spiritual nature around us. We are interconnected to the world. The spiritual nature of the world frees us from acting as the end-all-be-all. It’s not our responsibility to keep the world functioning. But I am connected to the world around me. To others around me. To grow spiritually, I need to acknowledge this interconnectedness & seek to serve others. To love more. To give more of myself. Leo has previously addressed this idea: Love thy enemy, Live the Golden Rule, Help a fellow human being.

2. Learn to live complaint-free. The world around us is not as many would like it to be. Things don’t always go our way. It’s easy to react to life’s disappointments by complaining. The problem is, complaining doesn’t help the situation. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair. It’s comfortable, & you may even feel like you’re getting something done. But you don’t end up going anywhere. Try the 21-day complaint-free marriage experiment. Offer solutions to life’s problems rather than complain. Take action in life & marriage & you won’t have time to complain.

3. Live passionately. There’s countless ways to go about living passionately. Do the work you love. Give to a cause you care deeply about. Serve others. With so many ways to live with passion, there are still many of us who struggle to make it happen. In order to discover your passion, grab a cup of coffee & a some paper. Spend a morning with these questions:

What excites me in life? What stirs something deep in my soul? What can I offer to others that no one else can?

Begin by writing down initial reactions in the form of lists, then work to narrow it down to the main ideas. There’s your passion. The next step is up to you. What keeps you from living from your passion?

4. Live simply. I don’t know if you’re like me, but one of the reasons I’m a daily visitor of Zen Habits is the practical tips for simplifying life. Enough said.

5. Have sex. While this may appear to be one of those no-brainer principles, you’d be surprised at the number of married couples that have trouble in this area. Now before you head off & have sex with someone other than your spouse, realize that research continues to say that the marital bed is still the hot bed of sex. However, every couple is not immune to difficulties in this area of the marriage.

Men and women are different when it comes to sex. I realize this is not groundbreaking news but it plays a major role. First, there are biological differences. Research shows that most men need about a second on average to be interested in & ready for sex. If you’re an older male, it may be 2 seconds. Women on the other hand, need about 20 minutes. When you add to this that research also shows the length of time sex actually lasts is 3 minutes, it’s no wonder there may be problems. 17 minutes after sex if over, the woman is ready.

Second, more than just an act, sex is a language. You communicate in many ways during sex. Likes, dislikes, love, passion, energy, fears, disappointments. The best part, you can learn to be a better linguist (shameless plug: I’ve written many posts on this subject as well as other marriage topics at The Simple Marriage Project. Now off to class you go!