Ask Me Help Desk - How can I repair the damage and win them back?

My heart is broken in a thousand pieces. After years of frustration with my ex, I finally lost control and denigrated him in front of my children (14 and 16). He was abusive during our marriage and isolated me from my family and friends in the early years and I saw the same pattern developing with how he has been manipulating our children. I acknowledge my contribution to this situation but the children have completely turned against me, even though I KNOW their father has been jading their opinion of me all along. He has taken this situation and manipulated the children to completely turn against me. He has denied access to my children so that now, they are living with him 100% and I will only be allowed to see them every other Sunday for a few hours for dinner. Further, the family counseling I've arranged mustn't interfere with my son's athletic activities - which is just about impossible, given practice occurs most days after school. I also anticipate getting NO information about my son's schedule to make it possible to schedule on the few odd days where there is no practice. I'm in a corner and don't know what to do. I love my kids more than anything else in the world and I feel like they've been ripped from my belly.

What can I possibly do to reconnect with my children?

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Lawsuit and fight for custody?

Quote:

Originally Posted by hjpan

Lawsuit and fight for custody?

Yes - a preliminary hearing. We (my attorney and I) tried to get back the 50/50 parenting time that was originally set up; at least until a custody study can be completed.

With this limited access, how will I ever be able to re-bond with my kids? I know how their dad works - the more time he has with the kids, the more he can poison them. He did the same thing to me when we were in our 20's - isolated me from family and friends and told me how bad they were.

I feel so helpless.

This must be so hard on you and it sounds very unfair. Unfortunately, some parents do demean the other parent all the time.. I never agree to ever talk mean about the other parent to kids, but in your case it may be the right time to at least tell a few facts about what happened. At there age it may be time for them to know the truth. Be very careful when talking about your ex. Don't rant and rave about how mean he was, but maybe a few facts may set them straight. It is very hard because at this age they may be set in there thinking for a while.
The only other advice I would give you is not to dwell on the things he did, but maybe 1 talk would be enough. After that try to remain positive around them. It will be very hard.
For sure go for 50/ 50 custody and I wish you all the luck in the world. You are in a very tough situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by isabelle

This must be so hard on you and it sounds very unfair. Unfortunately, some parents do demean the other parent all the time.. I never agree to ever talk mean about the other parent to kids, but in your case it may be the right time to at least tell a few facts about what happened. At there age it may be time for them to know the truth. Be very careful when talking about your ex. Don't rant and rave about how mean he was, but maybe a few facts may set them straight. It is very hard because at this age they may be set in there thinking for a while.
The only other advice I would give you is not to dwell on the things he did, but maybe 1 talk would be enough. After that try to remain positive around them. It will be very hard.
For sure go for 50/ 50 custody and I wish you all the luck in the world. You are in a very tough situation.

My attorney thinks the judge has already decided his ruling, even though we don't actually have the hearing until February. He's made up his mind about me based on the kids' input. There is only a remote chance that a custody study will improve my position. The one thing it will do is give me peace of mind so that at least I know all the information has been reviewed by the courts. I can't back down without giving that to them. All I've done today is cry... still have not slept. :(

Mom I am so sorry to hear this. I can't image your hurt. Maybe you can have some peace of mind now that you know you have done everything you could have.
One day these kids will come to you. I can ALMOST promise that as adults they will seek you out one day.
The truth is on your side and you can maybe have a relationship with them then. If you saw through your ex they will too. I know this is not much comfort right now.
Try to take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy too.
Good luck.

Thank you Isabelle. I saw my therapist yesterday who offered some different perspectives; none of which were really new to me, but it's always different coming from someone else.

I've decided to skip the custody study. The kids will resist it so it will not be productive. It will also inhibit the visits we'll have so few of anyway and I want to make the most of those.

My husband has had a 10-day trip planned for months to celebrate our anniversary. This comes at a much needed time. However, it will mean I will miss one of my Sundays, which at this time, I don't see my ex being flexible to negotiate another time. Further, the kids' attorney will have a hay day with my "self-centeredness" because I opted to forfeit one Sunday. Four years from now, both the kids will be out of the house anyway. I need to preserve and nurture my marriage; I have nothing else left otherwise.

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I continue to struggle with trying to understand the justice system. Had I had half a chance to bring forth all the evidence against him... Well, moot point now. It's over and I have to live with the results of my own actions and forget about his.

I feel very sad to hear that you don't have a good relationship w/ your children. I can't possibly know all the details with what little information we were able to read here on this site. I do know that your decision to stop putting your relationship w/ the kids in the hands of the judicial system was dead on. It's never a good idea to allow "the system" into your personal family. It shifts the power... and only creates more animosity when your children are already siding w/ their daddy. I think I understood that you may be getting back w/ their father FOR THE KIDS? (Not sure if that's a good idea... ). You do, however, need to do what you think is best. It's certainly not easy raising kids that are teens, this I know as a fact as I too am in your shoes. They can be very oppositional. I think it's important to remember that we come across (as mom's), like we're the enemy. We have to pick our issues w/ them. I choose not to participate in tug of wars of any nature. I don't need to be right, if it's going to make her wrong... I just try to be understanding and hold my tongue when I can't seem to relate or agree. They often don't even want the truth. They need support at this age that will seem over the top. I just do it... Time ages kids and w/ that comes maturity. It's when they're more mature that we'll be able to reach them better. Right now, it's kind of like a dance. We raise them w/ as much support that we can w/out it coming across like we're judging them. You know what I mean?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SweetDee

I feel very sad to hear that you don't have a good relationship w/ your children. I can't possibly know all the details with what little information we were able to read here on this site. I do know that your decision to stop putting your relationship w/ the kids in the hands of the judicial system was dead on. It's never a good idea to allow "the system" into your personal family. It shifts the power...and only creates more animosity when your children are already siding w/ their daddy. I think I understood that you may be getting back w/ their father FOR THE KIDS? (Not sure if that's a good idea...). You do, however, need to do what you think is best. It's certainly not easy raising kids that are teens, this I know as a fact as I too am in your shoes. They can be very oppositional. I think it's important to remember that we come across (as mom's), like we're the enemy. We have to pick and choose our issues w/ them. I choose not to participate in tug of wars of any nature. I don't need to be right, if it's gonna make her wrong... I just try to be understanding and hold my tongue when I can't seem to relate or agree. They often don't even want the truth. They need support at this age that will seem over the top. I just do it... Time ages kids and w/ that comes maturity. It's when they're more mature that we'll be able to reach them better. Right now, it's kinda like a dance. We raise them w/ as much support that we can w/out it coming across like we're judging them. You know what I mean?

Thanks for your comments, SweetDee. For clarification - I am NOT getting back with their father. OMG - I'd shoot myself before that happened. I am very happily remarried now and the 'husband' I referenced above is my present husband. Ex is ex-husband, husband is present :) Sorry if that was confusing (I know people intertwine these terms often and it's difficult to follow).

I did not want this to end up in court at all. I tried offering a plan that I felt the kids would accept, which was just every other weekend and an easy-to-follow holiday schedule. Ex offered a counter plan that provided a plan which allowed for no scheduled parenting time at all. It would be all based on when the kids felt like seeing me and I could never force time on them. Also what happened was that the attorney representing my kids became attached. She is in the wrong business, IMO and was trying to play psychologist or mother.

Because I chose to file a motion to disallow hearsay from the kids' attorney, she says she was forced to make the kids available to testify. This, in the court's eyes makes ME the bad guy. In hindsight, I really didn't understand the situation I was creating. Under such duress, I made a snap decision and interpreted my attorney's impressions of how this woman would testify to mean I should disallow her testimony. I like my attorney and felt he tried to represent me to the best of his ability but his way of explaining things to his clients needs to be improved upon. Most things were communicated in legal jargon that I simply didn't understand how it would play out or be viewed. I can't blame anyone but myself for how this ended, really. Obviously, I've done something awful enough to the kids for them to take action against me to begin with.

I had friends and family present who were appalled at how the hearing went. They thought the judge was insensitive and a twit and the kids' attorney was not well-informed and played too much emotion (of her own) into her review of the case.

If ex is true to form, there will be a call from the kids before they are 18. He will not be able to stand the pressure from being the full-time parent.

Thanks again for your consoling words. It's appreciated.

You are more than welcome.
I really think you have done all you can do and it is time to think of yourself. I also think you are right that Dad may be begging you to take the kids when he finds you are no longer playing his game but are making a good and happy life for yourself.

I don't really understand the legal system every time. Of course some things are cut and dried but not often and family law can really be hard. It can never fail to amaze me at times.

Dry your eyes and have a good time with hubby on your trip. I hope you have a wonderful vacation.. You deserve it.

Well I don't know how consoling my words really are. Thank you for the compliment. I think that after what you just said I have a better idea of the "cirque de soleil" that went on w/ your kids. It's all too much for kids to be fought over in the court system. It might have just been better to allow them the choice of which parent they wanted to live with. After all, it's really all about them. Like you said you're ex's "form" will end in a phone call to you... I think parents spend way too much time being right and trying to prove it. Even at the cost of their relationships w/ their kids, (even if it's unbeknownst at the time, but then again hindsight is 20/20!). If you had it to do over again, I don't think it would go down the way it did. It was a lesson learned, I'm sure. Now just sit back and become your children's friend a little. Let them learn to trust you again. (When I said friend, I don't mean "friend", I mean someone who is non judging and open minded, easy to be around, fun and happy). I think some happiness is an ingredient that they need to see more of in and around their mom. It spreads joy... and joy spreads love... xox

Quote:

Originally Posted by isabelle

You are more than welcome.
I really think you have done all you can do and it is time to think of yourself. I also think you are right that Dad may be begging you to take the kids when he finds you are no longer playing his game but are making a good and happy life for yourself.

I don't really understand the legal system every time. Of course some things are cut and dried but not often and family law can really be hard. It can never fail to amaze me at times.

Dry your eyes and have a good time with hubby on your trip. I hope you have a wonderful vacation.. You deserve it.

Thank you isabelle. As hard as I've tried and continue to try, it feels like it's never enough. Today, I received the first phone call from my ex since this all began (he doesn't even respond to emails when I ask for information on the children's schedules). I believe the only reason he phoned today was because I sent him an email, asking for confirmation that he'll be dropping the kids off this Sunday - I cc'd both our attorneys. I'm guessing that his attorney advised him that his continued lack of cooperation could backfire on him. During the conversation, he said my daughter would be available for the counselor next week, but my son would not due to football. In fact, it will be November before he can attend counseling. He reminded me that the judge said that counseling needed to be scheduled around football activities, but my attorney said that was to be within reason. I really don't know what to do because if I force my son, he'll be pulled from the games. If I don't have him attend, he and I will lose precious time AND I'll be in violation of the court order. I guess I'm going to have to address this with my attorney.

I keep replaying the events of this hearing over in my mind and I feel as though I was treated like a criminal. My ex is the one in rehab but that didn't seem to matter at all. He lied in his testimony knowing that without evidence from my side to disprove his testimony, the judge would have to accept it as truth.

This EO Sunday schedule is what the kids' attorney asked for and is NOT what is typically awarded to the non-custodial parent. She earlier had the audacity to provide me with NO scheduled visitation and accused me of changing my position because I didn't want to pay child support. Her "offer" was the ultimate insult to me. I had offered a plan to prevent this from going to court that allowed EOW for me and family counseling for the children and myself. I was truly appalled that she would even suggest I changed my position for the reason she stated. I felt like I stood in the middle of a room just to have rocks thrown at me with no protection provided, whatsoever.

As far as Dad begging me to take the kids... I'm not sure that will happen. I do think, however, he will mess up somehow. He will blow up at the kids, get into a road rage, go back to drugs - the sky is the limit with him. He is not stable.