I've been in a relationship with the same woman for three years. We have shared and experienced so much together. We have had problems throughout our relationship but we both love each other very much. Her family is Albanian and forbids her from dating especially someone who is not Albanian (me). She is 20 and I am 21. I feel that she is old enough to make her own decisions but she insists on keeping it a secret. She feels that the appropriate time to tell her family is when we plan to get married which will probably be years from now. Also I've never been in a relationship other than this and I want to know everything I can about her and her family before I know for sure if we should be getting married. Should I continue to wait and wait for her to maybe one day tell her family? Or should I leave and try to figure my own life out?

If she haven't told her parents about you in 3 years she most likely doesn't plan on telling them. I understand your from a different culture but she needs to stand up for herself. How much longer she plans to keep you hidden?

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I've never been in a relationship other than this and i want to know everything I can about her and her family before i know for sure if we should be getting married

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You already know everything about her family you need to know. She has no freedom in her family structure, no sense of safety about her choices... she is a prisoner of the culture in which she was raised. To be fair, that's true of most of us, in some manner.

You will remain a secret until she gets over her fear, or she reaches some magic (random) age that means maybe she can make a choice of her own.

You also know that even WHEN she tells her family, they are culturally racist and will not accept you because you are the wrong nationality... or your girl is lying on that aspect. It's bad either way.

You know all of this.

You ask US if you should leave and figure out your own life. That's a telling question. I'd say asking that question that way means you already know the answer and are just trying to get up the nerve to face the reality of this situation.

So, I'll give you some nerve. Little will change on her side. She will always fear and submit to her family/cultural pressures. I'm not sure that's as bad as her NOT wanting to submit and lying to them about her life instead. I think that's a lot worse.

Anyway... your future lies in honesty and pride, standing side-by-side, hand-in-hand with someone who is proud and honored to be your companion. That's not this girl, is it?

Having been in "her" shoes... I'm only going to be honest and tell you what I was thinking/did.

Its awful, but...

I had no intention of telling my family about "him" until we were engaged to be married. Yes, I loved him, but I knew the family wouldn't approve. After 2 years of dating without my family's knowledge, we started talking marriage. I still couldn't bring myself to tell them. It had become a habit - they didn't know, I snuck around. When they found out, it came down to choosing which I loved more.

And that put me in a horrible position. I chose my family. Like that old saying, "Blood is thicker than water." It literally killed me for months. I loved him with all my heart, but couldn't bring myself to cut off my family.

I'm sorry, hon. But, from personal experience, she will most likely choose her family. Because she has shown that she "respects" their opinion enough to not tell them (that sounds very backwards, but when in that mindset, it makes some type of quasi-sense.)

I'm just telling you what happened to me. I hope that it doesn't turn out the way that my relationship did, and that you will have your happily ever after. Just be aware that she may choose them over you in the end.

If that is something that you think you want to gamble on, I wish you the best. If not, I hope that you heart is able to heal and move on. Best of luck.

Your both setting yourselves up for heartbreak, by ignoring the issue, and taking the easy way out. As touchy as it may be, the lack of communicating to each other about it, and planning your own strategy, will haunt you when you do make marriage plans, and may be why you haven't made them yet. Does she live with you now, or at home with her parents?

It kind of reminds me of Romeo and Juliet. Sometimes people are so bound to their family's culture. It is what makes you who you are. Sometimes these things can turn out tragic. Do you know today that there are some cultures that will kill their daughters because they have dishonored their family, by having sex, by refusing an arranged marriage, or by dating someone that their parents don't approve of. I know that it sounds extreme but it does happen. I am not saying that that is your situation, but I am trying to illustrate the importance of family culture.

I am sure she loves you, but she probably doesn't want to defy her parents. And from just that she sounds like a pretty good person. (People don't respect their parents as much as they should nowadays). If you love her, wait. She may be trying to decide if you are the right person, because if she tells her parents they may react in such an extreme manner of like disowning her, and then what will she have left? She may not be that sure that you will be worth that or that you may stick around after that. If you don't love her enough to deal with all of the issues that may arise then leave.

But, who knows her family may fall head over heels in love with you. Maybe suggest to her to introduce you to her family as just a friend, then eventually build on that.

Good luck