Ask Me Help Desk - Second chance

Hi

I have been in a relationship for the past ten years. We have run into problems. My exboyfriend feels that he gave most of the effort in this relationship. I didn't show him the love that he showed me. There was a lot of interference by family and friends. We were both young when we started dating(college). Over the years I let my parents do a lot of thinking for me which interfered with our relationship. We were both living with his parents for the last 7 years. I was told to leave by him and I am staying with a friend. We see each other a lot and seem to be on good terms. I am trying to let him know that I am a changed person and that I will not hurt him again. He wants to know why he should think that with the history that I have shown. I woke up one day and wanted to be a different person. I wanted to fix everything that should have been done or shown. I didn't have a great relationship with his parents. I would come home and go to our room and didn't associate with them. We always went on vacations or did things with my family. These are things that we should have also been doing with his family and they are hurt by this. I have had a start of a great relationship with his parents over the last 9 months. I know that it doesn't make up for the last 10 years. I am trying my hardest to heal the wounds that I have caused. The person I live with told me recently that I have to leave because her father is coming to stay with her and it would be too much with the 3 of us. She feels very bad and would not do this but because of the circumstances. I live in a city where I only know the people that I work with and my ex boyfriend and his parents. I have been given short notice and have asked if I could come back to stay as I have nowhere else to go. Him and his parents want an answer as to why they should believe me. They think by just saying so is not enough. I told them that the only way is to show them. I need more answers to these questions a very good answer to convince them. They want to know why I didn't do these things before Please help!

I'm a little confused... do you want to get back with your ex? Either way I personaly don't think it is such a bright idea to live with the parenths. If I where in your situation I would find a roommate instead. I honestly think that if two people care about each other they should not live with either parenths.. that always separates a couple. Why doesn't he move out of his parenths home and the two of you share rent together?

Welcome to the forum greatfull1526,
People do change and from the sounds of it you've decided to grow up. I have to agree with maria though that moving in with the ex and his parents is not such a good idea at this point. Not only for them but for you. The stress of always feeling like your under a microscope trying to prove that you've changed isn't going to be a healthy situation. Besides your going to sit there in their home and do what you think they want you to do when all you really need to do is be yourself. You need to be on your own and find yourself before you can truly find that change. I would suggest getting an apartment on your own... Try a studio that is your space and your space alone. It definitely will broaden your way of thinking to be on your own for awhile. I speak this from experience in my own life. I have lived with other people all my life and when I finally got my own place and finally found myself I felt a lot better about my decisions and how they came to be. Try living on your own. Who knows you might even like being your own boss.

Hi, grateful,
I was divorced after my first 7 yrs of marriage, then 3 yrs later re-married; now for 29 years. We all make mistakes, and regardless of what we try to do, life isn't always fair.
You have no other place to go?
You might try calling your own family, talking with them.
You have "set yourself up" by your past actions, just as I did with my first divorce, and had to "pay the price"; my ex-wife did the same, paying the price with a divorce.
We all live and learn.
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives; make the best of it. You need some time to yourself, away from your ex and his family. Stay with your friend, and give it some time to work itself out; maybe a few months. No one changes overnight!
It takes time. Call your parents; tell them you are ready to change attitudes, and ask for their help.
I do wish you the best, and move on with your life. You CAN do it.

First your relationshiop was doomed from the start if you allow inlaws to run any part of your life. Next living with one of them is OK for a few months while you get settled, or for a short time if finicial problems hit.

But living with them for years and years,you end up more like his sister than his girlfiend or wife and neither of you are in control of the situation.

And both of you needed to grow up and be on your own.

He seemed to have no problem with his parents running things, but did not wantyour parents to have a say??

But anyway, no way to make anyone take you back, you can merely tell them how you feel and see if it can work. But if you do, it would not move back into the house with his parents, never, you and him need to have an apartment of your own. And honestly it is none of his parents business, just your boyfriend.

Why not find someone who is acutally grown up and lives on their own. And perhaps why not merely find your own place and live on your olwn and find yourself someone that does not live at home with their parents.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Myth

welcome to the forum greatfull1526,
People do change and from the sounds of it you've decided to grow up. I have to agree with maria though that moving in with the ex and his parents is not such a good idea at this point. Not only for them but for you. The stress of always feeling like your under a microscope trying to prove that you've changed isn't going to be a healthy situation. Besides your going to sit there in their home and do what you think they want you to do when all you really need to do is be yourself. You need to be on your own and find yourself before you can truely find that change. I would suggest getting an apartment on your own... Try a studio that is your space and your space alone. It definatly will broaden your way of thinking to be on your own for awhile. I speak this from experience in my own life. I have lived with other people all my life and when I finally got my own place and finally found myself I felt alot better about my decisions and how they came to be. Try living on your own. Who knows you might even like being your own boss.

Dear grateful... I agree with Myth.

Living with others and trying to meet their expectations is not good for your personal and emotional development. Also, they should not have expected you to be melded into their life, doing it their way, and then expect everything to be fine. This is immature of them to expect. Get to know yourself better, then share yourself on your grounds with others.

Keep us posted, and lots of luck for your future!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gifYou cannot change others, but you can change what you don't like about yourself - be in harmony with the one that counts - YOU!