Ask Me Help Desk - I can't orgasm

I cant orgasm

I'm 20 and have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. We have a really good relationship and are completely honest and open with each other about EVERYTHING. We have been sleeping together for about 3 months now but I have never orgasimed from sex or oral sex or being fingered. He thinks he's doing something wrong and is determined to make me orgasm. But whenever he is touching my clitoris I feel a tickling sensation, it does feel good but at the same time it hurts and I ask him to stop or I pull his hand away. While I'm feeling this sensation, my back starts to arch... I think it may be the start of an orgasm but I'm really not sure. Please help!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bubblegum123

im 20 and have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. we have a really good relationship and are completely honest and open with each other about EVERYTHING. we have been sleeping together for about 3 months now but i have never orgasimed from sex or oral sex or being fingered. He thinks hes doing something wrong and is determined to make me orgasm. but whenever he is touching my clitoris i feel a tickling sensation, it does feel good but at the same time it hurts and i ask him to stop or i pull his hand away. while im feeling this sensation, my back starts to arch...i think it may be the start of an orgasm but im really not sure. Please help!!

Just relax, I am 28 and only really started to enjoy sex about a year and a half ago. I was with my ex for 11 years and I never really enjoyed sex with him.

It does happen. Some women are different then others. I had a girlfriend that said it took forever to have an orgasm. Like years. Then she lost something or another, and couldn't orgasm during sex, which was bad for me, because she couldn't enjoy it. I'm sure you will eventually have a great one.

Well, there's a lot of things that can be at play here.

First, your most important errogenous zone is your mind. There is a big difference between wanting an orgasm and being lost in the moment... being able to mentally release. Some of the things that can affect this have nothing to do with desiring your mate.

My partner is most responsive when she is rested. When she isn't stressed. When we have complete privacy. A hot bath before and a glass of champagne never hurts. A clean bedroom that's warm enough to be naked and comfortable. etc. everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time... but the more things that can let her lose herself in the moment, the better.

As for the physical sensations, the problem is there is no perfect "recipe"... sure, most women need some clitoral stim to reach orgasm, but even that can greatly vary from woman to woman. The most responsive partner I had, the one that could hit orgasm all the time, was the one who could take quite strong, direct clitoral stim.

The next partner would smack me upside the head for that.

I think men rush to the clitoris too fast. We know we need to pay attention, but sometimes its better to hold back some, develop sexual tension elsewhere... and this doesn't mean he should just kiss your neck or engage in breast play. Sure, you might enjoy it, but there's a lot more he can do, perhaps.

If I spend ten or twenty minutes tracing my partners body with my fingers, just getting skin on skin, with slow, deliberate movements, it helps a lot. Your body undergoes changes during this time that can make you more responsive. Getting a good book on massage or sensual touch is a nice place to start, as learning just a few concepts about relaxing massage can help.

I recommend She Comes First, by Ian Kerner a lot. I should be getting a cut of his sales by this point. Its an easy read, not an "icky" sex book, and easy to share. Its angle is how to sensitize a woman, with an emphasis on oral. Understanding that there are other areas than just racing to the clitoris, for ex. By the time I'm there she should be pulling me against her. There isn't one perfect sex book out there, but Kerner's is one I think should be in anyone's collection and has many good ideas about how to hit you with different sensations.

If you think asking him to read a book about sex will insult him, perhaps buy it and the follow-up He Comes Next... first book to help him help you, second book to explore how to make sex better for him.

Also, can you reach orgasm with self stimulation? Do you ever self stim? Use a vibe? etc... not sure at this point that you've ever had an orgasm.?

During sex, its not uncommon for some women to also self stim with a wet finger while her lover in inside her. You can then control the pressure and sensations yourself. Don't be bashful about this. If my partner was not willing to self stim, there would be positions that would never work for her.

And some positions still don't. She likes the feel of missionary, but it doesn't get her to orgasm. Not with me, not with past lovers, not with some self stim... its just the wrong position for her. Better for her to be on top or for us to take some other positions where she can easily self stim.

Try not to be too frustrated. I know you want to get there and I know both you and your guy are feeling frustrated. Sometimes it takes time to find what works best for you... and the good news is once you do, you'll likely get back to that place easier, lose those mental blocks, and enjoy sex better.

Other things... exercise... it can do wonders for libido. Limit stress. Get good sleep. Eat decently. Take a multivitamin. Don't smoke. Limit drinking. etc... what you do to your body can affect how it responds in the bedroom. Sometimes a lot of little things can add up to a "problem"... I think you mostly need to do some exploration, some reading... but the more you can do to help your body be responsive, the better.