I want to be prepared with everything I possibly can for the upcoming custody hearing (this week!) Currently, our order says we have 50/50 parenting time and joint custody. My ex got a temporary stay from the judge for a "time out" from my house that was supposed to only last one week but ex has kept the kids since then because he didn't want to force them to come here. Dad's method of parenting leans on the buddy system and lacks the ability to lay down rules when they are necessary. Thus, the kids think my rules are too strict because comparatively, Dad has none.

Ex has been unemployed for 3.5 years and has just now started working. He was in a drug treatment program from December through March and I don't believe he's clean (but can't prove without ordering a drug test). Dad was leaving drugs in the house which were discovered by the children on at least one occasion, but possibly more.

I've collected three police reports describing road rage my ex was involved in while my kids were in the car. He was arrested for one of these incidents at his home in front of the kids. The charges were dismissed later, because the arresting officer no longer worked for the municipality where the incident occurred (how lucky is that?) He has been influencing the children by getting them to choose sides and had them write letters to the judge, which were obviously dictated (they were written in similar language and almost the same format.)

His new job is at an entry level salary and his expenses (mortgage and car loan) exceed his monthly GROSS income. Although his parents have been supporting him these last three years, he has been fiscally irresponsible. I foresee him losing his house at this pace, unless of course, his parents bail him out again.

Ex has left the children alone overnight on several occasions. I have cell phone bills showing all night calls my son made while at his father's which directly correlate to poor performance in class the following days of school. The kids have never done well in school so I can't see how they'd do much worse in a new school. They are both good looking and sociable (which... as a teenager, is a huge factor in adapting). Still - I know it will be difficult but I really think they would adjust.

Given my ex is still single and will be working longer hours, this will leave my kids unsupervised much of the time.

My best arguments are that I am stable, drug free, responsible and in a loving relationship. I have always been the parent who has taken the kids on outings and established holiday routine.

Any suggestions of what else I can do to plea my case would be greatly appreciated!

Did you indicate the age of your children? I believe it helps to show how you are involved in the life of each child. Little ones have to be bathed, teeth brushed, put to bed, etc. Then they start joining: Sunday School, Scouts, sports, etc.; who takes care of enrolling and transportation? Then someone is going to have to teach them to drive; and help with homework, etc. Do you know of a couple of witnesses that could support your claims?

Do you have an attorney? If you don't and he does, you are likely to lose. Get an attorney who will help you prepare your case. A ttorney will know what you can and can't present, how to present what you can in the best light, etc.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Do you have an attorney? If you don't and he does, you are likely to lose. Get an attorney who will help you prepare your case. A ttorney will know what you can and can't present, how to present what you can inthe best light, etc.

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Yes, this is the harsh and sometimes expensive truth in proceedings of this nature.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Do you have an attorney? If you don't and he does, you are likely to lose. Get an attorney who will help you prepare your case. A ttorney will know what you can and can't present, how to present what you can inthe best light, etc.

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We both have attorneys. Regardless, I feel it's in my best interest (as well as my children's) to be as proactive as I can be about preparing for my case. No one should completely entrust the fait of their case to the judicial system. Without accurate and complete information, they cannot do proper justice - can they?

Thank you for your comments.

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Originally Posted by MomWontGiveUp

We both have attorneys. Regardless, I feel it's in my best interest (as well as my children's) to be as proactive as I can be about preparing for my case. No one should completely entrust the fait of their case to the judicial system. Without accurate and complete information, they cannot do proper justice - can they?

Thank you for your comments.

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Some of these things are best left up to the Attorneys who know exactly what is necessary and what is not. The Attorney should be the one preparing to plead the case, coaching and preparing you. You should not be out there on your own, trying to figure it out.

The problem here is what you may think is "accurate and complete information" may not be admissible in court. Or you get a judge who only wants basic facts and gets annoyed when overloaded with info.

I'm not saying to not have all the info ready, but rely on your attorney to advise what you should and shouldn't bring up and when.

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Originally Posted by George_1950

Did you indicate the age of your children? I believe it helps to show how you are involved in the life of each child. Little ones have to be bathed, teeth brushed, put to bed, etc. Then they start joining: Sunday School, Scouts, sports, etc.; who takes care of enrolling and transportation? Then someone is going to have to teach them to drive; and help with homework, etc. Do you know of a couple of witnesses that could support your claims?

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My children are 14 and 16. My eldest just attempted getting his learner's permit this spring but failed. He did not study and obviously, his father did not feel it was important enough to see that he did.

I'm gathering any relevant emails I have between my children's teachers. I've also just discovered that my son has been calling live sex chat numbers - a good indicator that Dad has not installed parental controls on the children's computer OR he has not set his computer off-limits for the children to use.

I have one primary witness who will provide testimony. We are friends, our children have gone to school together since 1st grade, she attends almost every holiday dinner in our home, we've shared a beach house amongst several other friends' families/children, etc. She will provide the broadest 'look' at our family from the outside.

I have been the primary administrator of health benefits for the children. Since I don't live near the school they attend, I have not been as involved in transporting for sports. This has also been a sensitive subject, as my son typically does not put his academics before sports and consequently, his grades suffer during football season. Dad continues to enroll him, however. I tried putting a condition/provision in the proposed parenting plan that my son maintain at least a 2.0 GPA, but my plan was rejected.

Thanks for your suggestions. Every little bit helps!

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Some of these things are best left up to the Attorneys who know exactly what is necessary and what is not. The Attorney should be the one preparing to plead the case, coaching and preparing you. You should not be out there on your own, trying to figure it out.

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Oh yes... my attorney IS going to plead my case. However, I want to be prepared with my own statement. From what I've read, it's best to have a short, concise statement when it's your turn to speak before the judge. I will review anything I prepare with my attorney just before the hearing. This has all come up so quickly (we didn't think we'd go to hearing) that we have not had time to discuss my statement. It's my dime when I talk to my attorney so I want to be as well-prepared as possible when I do. I'm trying to be self-advocating...

Thanks for your comments!

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

The problem here is what you may think is "accurate and complete information" may not be admissable in court. Or you get a judge who only wants basic facts and gets annoyed when overloaded with info.

I'm not saying to not have all the info ready, but rely on your attorney to advise what you should and shouldn't bring up and when.

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Yes, I realize I can annoy the judge with too much trivial information. However, just as you've stated here, I want to have info ready, in case I need it.

The statement I've prepared is short and direct. It states why I'm there, acknowledges how I plan on improving in my role as parent, what I'm asking for (for now, I'm asking for a return to status quo to provide time for a custody evaluation) and why I think I should be granted the parenting time I'm requesting. I will refrain from badmouthing the other parent (although he doesn't hold the bar very high!) and address the concerns to which I have real evidence to prove my concerns about the well-being of the children.

Thanks for your comments - they are appreciated.

I lost - but they didn't get everything they asked for either. I did my best. It wasn't enough

Keep a journal; make an entry every day of your childrens' lives. It will come in handy in the next event.

Sorry to hear that. What did you lose and what reason did the judge give? If you don't mind sharing that with us.

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Originally Posted by MomWontGiveUp

I lost - but they didn't get everything they asked for either. I did my best. It wasn't enough

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I wouldn't be too tough on myself. The burden of proof in these cases is brutal.

If you don't mind sharing why do you think it came out the way it did - ?

At any rate - don't be hard on yourself. You did the best you could and next time around you'll know exactly what to expect.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I wouldn't be too tough on myself. The burden of proof in these cases is brutal.

If you don't mind sharing why do you think it came out the way it did - ?

At any rate - don't be hard on yourself. You did the best you could and next time around you'll know exactly what to expect.

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The judge said at the outset that custody would not be decided today. Perhaps when I'm not so emotional (I am sick with grief) I will see this in a brighter light.

My ex has been 'grooming' the kids by alienating them from me for years. The tiniest criticism from me about their dad has always been construed as a major denigration. We know for a fact though that my ex denigrates me on a regular basis, but it's done subliminally in most cases. Regardless the children have always protected him and disrespected me. He has told them many times that I was the one who left... yada yada.

I finally lost control earlier this spring and had a candid discussion with my eldest. My mistake - I admit it. It was too harsh for him to hear the truth about his father and I should not have said what I did. What's done is done.

My ex's attorney and the children's attorney hammered me for every possible situation and allowed my ex to testify for more than an hour, while I had less than 30 minutes - most of which was cross-examination. My ex blatantly lied about kicking the kids out last year and telling them they had to live me. I was honest and candid in all of my answers. I had no opportunity to discuss ex's drug use, road rage, or the fact that he physically abused me in front of our children while we were married.

The judge has reset the hearing 6 months from now and will allow me a custody study. However, in light of the children's resentment of me, I don't know what good that will do. I have lined up counseling for myself on an individual basis, as well as family counseling for my children and I to attend. I've also asked that the children attend Alateen, which their father testified they did not want to go to.

For now, I get every other Sunday for 3 hours with my children. This is what my ex was going to propose as his counter parenting plan. The judge did not finalize he plan but will stair step my visitation to increase over the next six months. He's also allowing my children full access. I'm allowed to call every Wednesday night at 9pm.

I truly don't understand a legal system that protects the drug addict. Apparently, my brother researched the judge and discovered that he is a recovering alcoholic himself so perhaps this explains part of his tolerance for the drug addiction.

I am so heartbroken that it feels like I have a 100 pound weight sitting on my chest.

Thanks for your response.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Sorry to hear that. What did you lose and what reason did the judge give? If you don't mind sharing that with us.

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Please see my post to JudyKayTee. Thanks

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Originally Posted by George_1950

Keep a journal; make an entry every day of your childrens' lives. It will come in handy in the next event.

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I've been keeping a journal for over a year. Much of what I write, however, I am the only witness. Therefore, ex can lie and say it never happened - especially if he has gotten the kids to back him. I don't understand why they would lie about their dad kicking them out though. That was really traumatic. Perhaps it will come out in counseling.

Thanks, Mom. You wrote: "I had no opportunity to discuss ex's drug use, road rage, or the fact that he physically abused me in front of our children while we were married." I would like to know, why?

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Originally Posted by George_1950

Thanks, Mom. You wrote: "I had no opportunity to discuss ex's drug use, road rage, or the fact that he physically abused me in front of our children while we were married." I would like to know, why?

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Strategically - not enough time. Ex got more than an hour to trump himself up as (what he perceives) as an idol parent. This left little time for my testimony and his team cross-examined me first.

There is mention in the hearing memorandum of a rebuttle presumption with respect to the physical abuse while we were married. My ex has my children exaggerating events or flat out lying to protect him.

Honestly - I think they are afraid to say anything in my favor, because their father has such a stonghold on them emotionally.

Additionally, I recently (the day before the hearing) discovered that my son has been using his mobile phone to call adult chat lines; presumably, numbers he obtained while surfing the Internet unsupervised. This was also mentioned in the memorandum but no time to state in the preliminary hearing.

Your son with the cell phone has a guardian (attorney) ad litem?