Unrequitee love. She broke up with me
Hi everyone,
First off, I just want to say thanks to everyone for sharing their insight, experience and stories. I just found this site 2 days ago, and am reading everything I can. Its very therapeutic.
I will share my situation with all of you – though I am pretty certain I know what you will all advise and say. I just need someone to kick me in the butt.
I’m 32, she’s 31. My dating history comprises a single 7 year relationship and a bunch of smaller less meaningful ones. She however admits to being the serial girlfriend and has always been with someone. (Flag #1)
I had exited my previous relationship of 7+ years earlier in January. Experience now tells me that it was probably 2 years longer than it should have been but our break was mutual and now we remain friends and it is clear there is zero hope of getting back together. She exited her relationship in January as well. Though I don’t know the length or reasons, I suspect she was hurt by it. We met in March on eharmony and I had been seeing her for the past 5 months.
To complicate matters, I am of asian descent here on the Canadian westcoast. She is a recent Anglo-Aussie immigrant. We live in the most ethnically diverse and visibly interracial relationship city in Canada and likely North America. We’re both professionally employed though in different fields.
We took things slowly and saw each other only twice a week though we talked daily. We did not have sex. She even asked if it bothered me that I wasn’t getting any, and I said no – I was quite content to wait for her to be mentally and emotionally ready for it. (Flag #2)
This week Wednesday, we met for lunch near her work. She returned a dvd I previously loaned her and had lunch. Before we departed, we walked outside and she basically spilled it out. She said that she was not ready for a relationship and that her head was not in the right place and that she couldn’t feel anything for me. She said that she felt as if she was wasting my time and that it was unfair to me. She said that I was doing everything right and that it was not my fault. She didn’t know why I liked her, that she was a cold bi*ch and that I was not getting any. I was stunned. She had to get back to work so we agreed to meet after work the next day.
Next day, we met after work, and I had pre-planned questions that I needed answered. I again asked her if it was me. Was it me or a chemistry issue? She said no. Were there other people involved? Did she simply want to date around? She again said no. She had done all that and was no longer interested in dating other people. So of course the next logical question was what about the ex’s. Had one come back into the picture? She said no – and that she wanted nothing to do with her ex’s but that did not include me. She told me the reasons she gave me day before were real and honest. She had a plan to be married by 27 and kids by 30 and she pointed out that she had failed to meet both goals. She mentioned again that she has always been someone’s girlfriend and she no longer knew who she was and wanted and needed time to find herself. She needed to know what it meant to be by herself.
To me this sounds like she has emotional baggage that she had not resolved before we met. (Flag #3). I think she has commitment issues and fears abandonment. She handed me back a pendant that I had recently given her because she could no longer accept it (she had worn everyday since I gave it to her). I declined and told her to keep it. I bought it for her with the best of intentions – I wanted her to keep it.
She walked me back to my car and we said our byes. She asked if bye meant for her to never contact me again. In my emotional state, I said I wouldn’t want that. Then a stupid crow pooped on me. She wiped me off with some tissues I had in the car. We hugged and she was ready to turnaround. I stopped her and told her that I would wait her as long as I could but could not promise how long I could wait and that when she is ready for a relationship, that she would know how to get hold of me. Her face lit up, and she asked if if I really meant that. I told her I did and she smiled. And she turned around and walked away.
I came home feeling like crap and right away sent her a short goodbye email with the last sentence again telling her I’d wait but not forever and have been NC ever since. Friday and Saturday were really rough. I replayed the goodbye scenario a 100+ times in my head. Today is a bit better.
Based on what I now see, I think she does have commitment issues. I think she was hurt by her ex’s and has put up these walls to protect herself and realizes its unfair to be blocking me out because she can’t open herself up to me. Her comment about being herself and wanting to be independent also has merit.
So here I am on the outside looking in and feeling bummed out. For those of you who were serial girlfriends/boyfriends, does what she said ring a bell? It's a personal state that you have to get through yourself isn’t it? I will respect the NC and not contact her. She's not contacted me either, but this is hard.
