Ask Me Help Desk - Am I really being used? Or does he love me?

I need answers, people. Please help me so I can either confront this guy or walk away for good. I have been "seeing" this guy for about a year and a half. Our attraction is purely sexual, and in the beginning we started as friends, and after our first sexual encounter, he said he wanted to be able to have sex with me while he was looking for a wife. There is a huge age gap -- 18 years -- I'm the older woman. I disagreed with his suggestion, yet I chose to continue sleeping with him. In the first few months, I felt very hurt and anguished. As time passed, I "got over" him and eventually resigned myself to a casual hookup situation which I do enjoy on some level. But there's a rather sad pattern (see below for description) and I have tried on several occasions to break it off, but I end up sleeping with him again.

I NEVER call or make contact or initiate any of our meetings and, sometimes, I really wish he would never call me or email me again. But I love being chased by him and when I avoid him, he becomes very insistent in his pursuit of me. I get a lot of satisfaction when he is in hot pursuit. Here is our pattern: he pursues me heavily, I avoid him and finally give in and we have sex, but afterward he seems like he can't get out of my apartment quick enough, then I don't hear from him for a month and then he starts pursuing, I start avoiding, he pursues harder (which I love), then I give in, we have sex, and the pattern repeats itself. I like the thrill of this pattern and I am very addicted to him physically. Emotionally, there is really nothing there. I wonder if he secretly loves me? Is that foolish as hell?

The good thing in all this is that I am relocating in January -- 3,000 miles away from him. That should do the trick. Someone please slap some sense into me and help me stay away from him. We slept together last night -- it was extra passionate, but I feel horrible this morning because I know I won't hear from him again for several weeks. What is wrong with me?:confused:

The problem is not whether he used you are not!

You have a low self control! Even if he initiated all these, you can still avoid it!
Don't say it's all his fault, you are a weak person yourself!

Work on yourself, and he is def. not the one you want to keep contact with no more.

I must tell you, you are beyond foolish. If you are 18 years older than him then you should very well know better. I doubt very, very seriously that he secretly loves you. If that were the case he would want to spend much more time with you. He pursues you because he knows that you are only putting up an act and you will give in, like you always do. He is not loving you--he is using you!

Is there some way people can provide their answers without being nasty? I am looking for wise input here, not insults. Insults are not helpful.

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Originally Posted by Elyanah

Is there some way people can provide their answers without being nasty? I am looking for wise input here, not insults. Insults are not helpful.

Don't know how helpful or accurate this is but hopefully it's not insulting - :)

Sounds like there is something in this relationship for both of you. I doubt you're the only woman in town who will have sex with him so there's something in this for him. Maybe excitement, maybe good/great sex, maybe the age difference is a big turn on. Maybe you on some level truly like each other but for whatever reason (again, maybe the age difference) are uncomfortable with this being anything more than it currently is. It could very well be one of those relationships where now how do you introduce the much older/younger person to your friends but in 10 years who will care?

People post all the time that they have this "friend," what do people think about "friends with benefits," this is just for the sex - and then somebody gets badly hurt because no two people ever seem to stick with the friends with benefits agreement at the same time.

And some people are like an addiction - I don't know why. There are people who are terrible for us, yet we are attracted or involved or don't leave. I'm not talking about dangerous people or violent people, just people who don't make us happy all the time. That feeling you've describe so well in the pit of your stomach the next morning, that looking in the mirror and not liking yourself.

I think it's good that you're moving, getting out of the situation. It's unfortunate that you can't go until January - a few months from now - but sometimes completely getting away is the only way to get out of a situation.

Foolish? Maybe foolish to start this but you never know what's going to happen down the road and now you just have to make the best of things. I'd tell you to try to break it off but you have tried and that doesn't work (and I really do understand) so maybe just don't have any expectations, be as strong as you can, try to take care of yourself and know it will be done in January.

And, yes, there is something in this for him - question is: what?

(And I don't agree with the e-mail him and tell you've found someone else and he'll go nuts advice. Adults should act like adults. It would certain be helpful if you would find someone but at this point I would be careful about not jumping from the fryingpan into the fire out of some need.)

Thank you so much for your input. You really have clear insight. I'm not a stupid person; quite the contrary. The way you re-worded my question about whether he might love me, really is the better way -- what is in this for him besides sex? Anyway, thank you. I really do appreciate your words. So... do you think I should make myself totally unavailable now forevermore?

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Originally Posted by Elyanah

So...do you think I should make myself totally unavailable now forevermore?

Yes,that would be the best thing to do. :)...

... BUT be aware that he might get really frustrated (which could turn to anger)
About the situation :(

I want to point out that we live in a very specific and rigid religious culture (orthodox Jews), and if there was not the huge age gap, we would probably have married by now. In our culture, he is considered "old" because he has not married yet (he is 29). He is very susceptible to the pressures of the culture and his familly and friends. I personally don't give a rip about the age difference. I love him and wish he loved me, but apparently the social pressure is too much for him to handle. My relocation will be the best thing for both of us. I guess I may never know whether he loves me or not. Friday he told me that, of all the women he's ever met, I am the most feminine on all levels and femininity is extremely important to him. And when we were talking about "whether we like each other", he said he really likes me... I feel like such a dope even worrying about any of this but... I'm a human being. :)

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Originally Posted by Elyanah

I want to point out that we live in a very specific and rigid religious culture (orthodox Jews)

Which brings me to my next point...

As orthodox Jews,there should be NO sex before marriage

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elyanah

Thank you so much for your input. You really have clear insight. I'm not a stupid person; quite the contrary. The way you re-worded my question about whether or not he might love me, really is the better way -- what is in this for him besides sex? Anyway, thank you. I really do appreciate your words. So...do you think I should make myself totally unavailable now forevermore?

I think you sit down - and this sounds corny - and you write it down. Pretend you are giving advice to a friend.

What are the good points? For example - the sex is mind boggling; you really like him; you think "maybe" you could have a future together; it's just for now, what's the harm?

Then what are the bad points? For example - you feel bad the next day; maybe he's using you; maybe you are hanging onto hope instead of doing other things.

Then put it away. Get it out an hour or two later and read it with clear, cold eyes.

And then decide - maybe it's worth it in the short term (you are moving). Maybe it's not. But to make a decision to be unavailable until the end of time when that is not what you really want to do is going to force a decision you don't really want to make, a decision you can't keep, and then you'll feel worse about yourself.

Take it one step at a time if it's your choice to end it. You know, "I won't contact him today and if he contacts me I won't answer." And then the next day decide contact or no contact and do that. One day a time. Don't plan your life in big chunks right now.

I would never say never - ever. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elyanah

I want to point out that we live in a very specific and rigid religious culture (orthodox Jews), and if there was not the huge age gap, we would probably have married by now. In our culture, he is considered "old" because he has not married yet (he is 29). He is very susceptible to the pressures of the culture and his familly and friends. I personally don't give a rip about the age difference. I love him and wish he loved me, but apparently the social pressure is too much for him to handle. My relocation will be the best thing for both of us. I guess I may never know whether he loves me or not. Friday he told me that, of all the women he's ever met, I am the most feminine on all levels and femininity is extremely important to me. And when we were talking about "whether we like each other", he said he really likes me.... I feel like such a dope even worrying about any of this but...I'm a human being. :)

I know very little about Orthodox Judaism - very little. As it happens my husband was raised Orthodox, later "changed" to reform, but I am not Jewish. We talked religion on occasion - particularly when we realized he had a brief period to live - but other than following his burial instructions I have really no understanding of the religion although I do have great respect, possibly because he truly was a great guy in all ways.

BUT - and I'm not encouraging you, only you know the answer to any of this, somewhere in your heart - some men NEVER choke out the "I love you words." For whatever reason it strangles them.

Personally I'd rather have one of those guys than someone who loves EVERYBODY but, again, this is a side issue. You know in your heart what the answer is. You just have to find it.

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Originally Posted by Elyanah

Emotionally, there is really nothing there. I wonder if he secretly loves me? Is that foolish as hell?
Someone please slap some sense into me and help me stay away from him. :confused:

I wasn't trying to be mean nor insulting--just frank since you said "slap some sense into me." I wanted to word it how one of my close friends would tell me. Sorry to insult.

You both enjoy the game, and got something you wanted. Could it be that now the game must end, and your sad about it??

If you didn't have to move this would go on forever, as you said, pure sex!! You were safe and comfortable, and loved the attention. So did he.

See it for what it is, a choice you made.

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See it for what it is, a choice you made.

It's a choice she made,& she'll have to live with it,permanently