Ask Me Help Desk - A guy looking for a women's insight.

A guy looking for a women's insight.

I'm 28 year's old and she is 27 years old.

My girlfriend of 5 years has decided to leave me. I have enough sensiable thought to know why she left me. She has also explanied why to me many times. I understand the NC rule is to heal myself and gain my independence back again.

I was single 5 years ago, but it has been so long I forgot what it's like to not have someone to wake up to, talk and laugh with during the day.

The reason she is leaving me is because spawns from when I was younger. I had/have a tendency to be anti-social at times. And because of that I had got sucked into playing online games on the computer.

My first reaction was bad. I said OK, and prentended to not care (but I really did care)
It has been 2 weeks now and I have made all the mistakes you could possible make. My emotions have been running me instead of logical thought. I questioned her about it, said I love you, wrote a letter, and have been smothering her too much because I felt the need for physical contact.

Now the NC rule is to gain independence back and for each other to take time to understand our innerself again. Now I read and believe that sometimes during this process the other partner will think about the good times we had together and possible start to miss that in their life.

I am afraid I have ignored her too much and after NC. All she will rememeber is that I ignored her all the time which will just reinforce her belief to leave me.

All that said, this is my first "Serious relationship" and I want to marry her. I have allways wanted to marry her. But I let my "Game addictions" get in between us and have lost sight why I had loved her so much in the first place.

She still trust's me very much. But she is very angry, upset, and is not hopefull about our future together. I have since deleted this game and am willing to sell my computer. (I told her this). But it is too late. We are still living together at the moment and are both looking for apt's to move into. I have never/would never try to hurt her. But I intelltionally hurt her by getting caught up in a meanless game.

Now the advice I ask from you women out there is how can I place a sence/feeling (please consider I have acted out, wrong letters, said I love you etc.) that I don't blame her for her feelings. And show that I respect her. Since everything I do right now seems like a push (and she just pulls back more).

Here's my feelings ( I am happy knowing she can start to heal herself after NC) I very much want that for her. I never wanted/intended to make her feel the way she does about me now.

What advice could you women give me about this. Please be very honest and don't suger coat anything. I need a clear perspective about this. So don't be afraid to say things that need to be said. At the same time. I am very much looking for some positive support.

Please help me.

A very Guilty, Ashamed, Hurt Guy.

This is from a 22 year old guy.. . I know you wanted women to answer, so, if you feel like ignoring this reply, please feel free. But here's my $0.02.

Right now, I feel that you've done enough damage. You've told her how you've felt, you've sent her letters, you've pleaded and you've begged. I feel that whatever you do to try to convince her to try again... will just make the situation worse.

So right now, all you can do is to just... wait it out. See what happens. The "ball's in her court," so to speak. All you can do right now is just trying to move on with your life, and give her space and time so she can figure out what she wants. Right now, all you can do is to "work on you"... and you've made your first step in deleting the game.

So, as soon as you guys move out, give her the space she wants, and move on with your life. She may come back, she may not... but that's not up to you.

I welcome your advice Isneezefunny.

I need some perspective right now.

I am having a hard time (not with her leaving, I believe she needs that to heal herself), with the idea of not having a future together. Living together is tough and I have done all the "Don't Do's" after the breakup due to my emotional state.

All I want to do is make the best of our last week or so together. And make sure she is not afraid to contact me. I don't want her to think I am going to be lost without her, so I am trying to give her some confidence in me. I would love a women's perspective on this.

Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all been there, done that (with the exception of the "games addiction" I suppose... ).

That being said, stop reaching out to her. If you respect her and her decision, give her the space and distance that she wants, even if it means permanently.

After all the shenanigans you've pulled to express your love, regret over the breakup, etc, I doubt she's afraid to contact you. If she wants to get back together, she'll let you know.

For now, you have to accept the fact that 1. mistakes were made during the relationship, 2. you can't reverse them, and 3. you two are over.

It's for your sake as well as hers.

Best of luck,
J

You're also forgetting the fact that girls are crazy.

... if they want to talk to you, trust me... they'll do everything in their power to get in touch with you.

... girls are nuts.

I agree with everything Sneezy said. He's an expert in this area. (Hmmm, not sure about the "girls are nuts" comment though... )

Like he said, you've done what you can to apologize and fix the situation. Now, become the best person you can be. Read some books--non-fiction as well as fiction. What do you like to read about? The Civil War? The Renaissance? Monasteries? Dog breeds? Carl Jung? How to build something out of wood? Go to your local public library. There you will find both non-fiction and fiction books that have any of those subjects as their main themes. (I'd give you some titles, but you will enjoy the search.)

If you don't like to read, what do you like to do? Put together jigsaw puzzles? Play cards? Play board games? Then become a volunteer at a nursing home or retirement facility. Give of yourself to help your community.

You don't want to be with old people? Do you like dogs or cats? Grooming them or socializing them or cleaning cages? Become a volunteer at an animal shelter. There you will get tons of unconditional love. The animals there will always be in your corner. Or is there a rescued horse farm near you? Volunteer to groom horses and muck out the stalls.

Do you get my drift? Only when you lose yourself in caring about other people or about animals will you be able to find yourself. You'll have something to talk about and you'll meet some pretty interesting people. And you'll be pretty interesting yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

You're also forgetting the fact that girls are crazy.

...if they want to talk to you, trust me...they'll do everything in their power to get in touch with you.

...girls are nuts.

Hhhhssss. :mad: Women are NOT nuts. Those who are more assertive just know what they want and go for it.

In my opinion, it'd be nice if there were any guys left with some BALLS.

Hey now, I do TOO have balls. I'm just... scared

Awwww! Poor sneezy... NOT.

I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. I mean, who isn't scared?

p.s. I had oysters today. Yum!! :D *munch*

Thank you for the responses. Do you think I have any chance of saving our relationship possibly in the future. (say months down the road). Or do you think I have ruined any chance at salavaging what we had.

I

Quote:

want to marry her. I have always wanted to marry her.

Saying it is the easy part, and you screwed it all up by ignoring her. I guess your actions didn't match your words, and now you have plenty of time to work on yourself, so do so, and if she comes back for a second look, at least you can make a better showing than you did.

If she has had enough, then heal and don't repeat that mistake with another.

Its entirely her choice whether she changes her mind, and you just have to accept her decision, as you have already screwed up enough ,so now heal and think about your next move before you screw it up, even more.

Who knows? NO ONE knows. Some of us, after a few weeks of NC, the girl comes back. While others, (like me), the girl leaves for another guy... then 3 - 4 months into it, she starts calling. She's still with the other guy, but she still... calls.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GenuineGuy

thankyou for the responces. do you think i have any chance of saving our relationship possibly in the future. (say months down the road). or do you think i have ruined any chance at salavaging what we had.

Figure it's over. Forget her. Go from there.

My boyfriend has a video game addiction and I get sick of it but I've left him. Anytime he plays Madden, and they just came out with a new one(it drives me nuts), or any game is on, baseball or football, he never pays me any attention. I know this about him and even though I don't fully accept it, I deal with it. I am sure your girlfriend of 5 years knew this about you especially since your live together. Exactly how many hours a day did you play this game because if your was together for 5 years why is it all a sudden becoming a problem. Last question, did you only ignore or when you was playing the game or other times as well?

In time she may realize that you had acted solely based on your gut reactions to the situation you were presented with, and have compassion for you. No one, except her, can guarantee if anything can be 'salvaged'. Just wait it out, but try to move on in the meantime.

Just focus on what you can learn from this experience... everything is a learning experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

My boyfriend has a video game addiction and I get sick of it but I've left him. Anytime he plays Madden, and they just came out with a new one(it drives me nuts), or any game is on, baseball or football, he never pays me any attention. I know this about him and even though I don't fully accept it, I deal with it. I am sure your girlfriend of 5 years knew this about you especially since your live together. Exactly how many hours a day did you play this game because if your was together for 5 years why is it all a sudden becoming a problem. Last question, did you only ignore or when you was playing the game or other times as well?

It was during while I was playing the game. But it affected every decision if my life.

How many hours a day did you play this game?

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

How many hours a day did you play this game?

Mostly during the night because I work shift work. But there has been many many times I have played for 12 hours straight. I am so discusted with myself.

She is out at her parents this weekend and she will be back on Monday. I will give her lots of space and try to keep myself busy. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

So she lives with you and is coming back??